Virgo1982 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I'm glad he sees things our way. You should ask him thorough, detailed questions in the same context that Lucrezia listed earlier. If he plans to be dedicated to his child regardless of how his W reacts, then I would give my child a relationship with him. If you think it will be impossible to give him a relationship with the child without continuing the affair, then you have to consider this idea as well. I think it might be too early to tell what will happen, but you guys definitely need to communicate about his plans and feelings concerning the baby. If you two set ground rules/boundaries/plans to care for your child, maintaining a working relationship will be easier.
greengoddess Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I am so happy to read that you are probably keeping the baby. Honestly, you would never be able to forget aborting it. You would forever think about this child and the person they would have become. This is your miracle child and you will be a great mother. Nail this man for child support. You have to for the baby's sake. Is your job safe being a single pregnant teacher? In my area it absolutely would be. I'm just curious about Florida.
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 He told me that I have to do what I want to do and not base my decision on how it will affect him and his family. He said that he knows that at some point it will cause trouble for his family but that was something that he would have to worry about and not me. He told me not to worry about his family and think about what I wanted to do. He seems awfully calm about the whole thing. I mean, is he not at all shocked or concerned about his wife's reaction to all of this? It's one thing to have an affair, but to have a child from that affair - that's usually where the real stuff hits the fan and all bets are off. I'm glad that he said to you what he said but I'm just curious about his reaction. It seems a little off.
NoIDidn't Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 He seems awfully calm about the whole thing. I mean, is he not at all shocked or concerned about his wife's reaction to all of this? It's one thing to have an affair, but to have a child from that affair - that's usually where the real stuff hits the fan and all bets are off. I'm glad that he said to you what he said but I'm just curious about his reaction. It seems a little off. I agree. His response seems like one of a man that is trying to get kicked out, not really one of concern for the OP or the baby she is carrying.
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I agree. His response seems like one of a man that is trying to get kicked out' date=' not really one of concern for the OP or the baby she is carrying.[/quote'] Yeah, it's like, 'Oh, well, I got the OW prenant so I guess this is going to create a mess at home. Hmmm, I think I'll get a cup of coffee and read a book." I think about my xMM and what his reaction would've been. No way would he have acted badly toward me, but he would've probably come unglued, while at the same time feeling happy about us having a child. I don't know for sure but even as calm as he is in a crisis, he would've had a very strong reaction to this. I don't understand this guy's reaction at all.
Author FaceReality Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I am so happy to read that you are probably keeping the baby. Honestly, you would never be able to forget aborting it. You would forever think about this child and the person they would have become. This is your miracle child and you will be a great mother. Nail this man for child support. You have to for the baby's sake. Is your job safe being a single pregnant teacher? In my area it absolutely would be. I'm just curious about Florida. Hi-- I believe there won't be any issues. I know of a few single women who are teachers and they have never had an issue. No on knows the particulars of my situation and I plan to keep it that way.
Author FaceReality Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 He seems awfully calm about the whole thing. I mean, is he not at all shocked or concerned about his wife's reaction to all of this? It's one thing to have an affair, but to have a child from that affair - that's usually where the real stuff hits the fan and all bets are off. I'm glad that he said to you what he said but I'm just curious about his reaction. It seems a little off. His reaction or rather lack there of a reaction had me orginally concerned too. To the point that I really don't just don't trust him. Something is up and I just don't know what. At one point I asked if he would be wiling to sign away his parental rights, and he told me that if it would make me keep the baby he would consider it....hmmm. I haven't revisted that issue again. So I have maintained minimal conversation with him. He calls me, I do not call him. I think that the reality of it maybe just has not hit him yet, I just don't know. I am also confident that he feels I would never tell his wife and he can pretty much keep it a secret. Most times now I just avoid his calls, I am trying to stay strong, and when he calls he always seems to be fishing for information or says something that puts me in a bad place/mood. I even asked him if he calls me because he really cares or if it is because he is just trying to feel me out. I really just think he is trying to work up the nerve to ask if I plan to file a paternity suit and seek child support.
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 His reaction or rather lack there of a reaction had me orginally concerned too. To the point that I really don't just don't trust him. Something is up and I just don't know what. At one point I asked if he would be wiling to sign away his parental rights, and he told me that if it would make me keep the baby he would consider it....hmmm. I haven't revisted that issue again. So I have maintained minimal conversation with him. He calls me, I do not call him. I think that the reality of it maybe just has not hit him yet, I just don't know. I am also confident that he feels I would never tell his wife and he can pretty much keep it a secret. Most times now I just avoid his calls, I am trying to stay strong, and when he calls he always seems to be fishing for information or says something that puts me in a bad place/mood. I even asked him if he calls me because he really cares or if it is because he is just trying to feel me out. I really just think he is trying to work up the nerve to ask if I plan to file a paternity suit and seek child support. It's call manipulation. He is trying to maintain control with just a little fishing going on.
Author FaceReality Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Any update? Well I took your advice and stopped seeing him. We communicate via text/email/phone. I usally don't initate communication, at this point we just go around in circles when we talk so I don't know what the point of communicating is. I am sure he is just trying to feel me out and figure out what I am going to do about the baby. He doesn't seemed to be worried about his wife finding out, I think he is more concerned about whether or not I will file a paternity suit or file for child support. He hasn't worked up the nerve to ask me yet, so he just throws out ocomments/ideas to bait and see how I react. For example our last conversation he told me, "Well, I plan on moving back to home to my country one day, I don't know when but I just know I don't belong in America" -- what was the point in telling me that? He just does those types of things. I honestly believe that he does not want me to have an abortion...he wants be to keep the baby BUT he does not want to be responsible for anything to do with the baby...he wants to have access to the child if it is conveniant for him and he does not want to be financially responsible at all to the baby...in my gut I believe this is what he is hoping for and he is just trying to work up the nerve to tell me or see if he can get me to go along with it...so he is tip toeing around these ideas when we talk. I believe he is getting more nervous because he has spoken openly with me in the past about his career goals. He and his wife work at the same place. They both work for the government, and I think he is nervous that I know a pretty good amount of information about his life/his plans etc. So maybe that is why he is telling me that he is thinking about leaving the country....wrong thing to tell a woman pregnant with your child. Doesn't he have a clue that he is almost pushing me into an attorneys office? If I have a good idea he is about to bail - then of course I will take legal action to try and protect my child as much as I can... Like I said I think he only calls to fish for information so lately I don't even pick up his calls. I can do with out the stress of it all and at this point I don't think it is wise to tell him if I plan to pursue legal action since it is still early. I am only 4 months prego...and I am starting to deal much better, I have even started talking to my baby to be... What do you guys think?
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Please keep your precious baby. I don't think its fair for an innocent life to be taken because of the situation..It has no choice as to where it comes from..but its there for a reason. I think you would truly regret getting an abortion. I'm sorry that your in the situation that your in but a baby is one of the greatest gifts. I know you can make it through, your probably really emotional right now as well. I hope everything works out for you ((HUGS))
silverplanets Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Well I took your advice and stopped seeing him. We communicate via text/email/phone. I usally don't initate communication, at this point we just go around in circles when we talk so I don't know what the point of communicating is. I am sure he is just trying to feel me out and figure out what I am going to do about the baby. He doesn't seemed to be worried about his wife finding out, I think he is more concerned about whether or not I will file a paternity suit or file for child support. He hasn't worked up the nerve to ask me yet, so he just throws out ocomments/ideas to bait and see how I react. For example our last conversation he told me, "Well, I plan on moving back to home to my country one day, I don't know when but I just know I don't belong in America" -- what was the point in telling me that? He just does those types of things. I honestly believe that he does not want me to have an abortion...he wants be to keep the baby BUT he does not want to be responsible for anything to do with the baby...he wants to have access to the child if it is conveniant for him and he does not want to be financially responsible at all to the baby...in my gut I believe this is what he is hoping for and he is just trying to work up the nerve to tell me or see if he can get me to go along with it...so he is tip toeing around these ideas when we talk. I believe he is getting more nervous because he has spoken openly with me in the past about his career goals. He and his wife work at the same place. They both work for the government, and I think he is nervous that I know a pretty good amount of information about his life/his plans etc. So maybe that is why he is telling me that he is thinking about leaving the country....wrong thing to tell a woman pregnant with your child. Doesn't he have a clue that he is almost pushing me into an attorneys office? If I have a good idea he is about to bail - then of course I will take legal action to try and protect my child as much as I can... Like I said I think he only calls to fish for information so lately I don't even pick up his calls. I can do with out the stress of it all and at this point I don't think it is wise to tell him if I plan to pursue legal action since it is still early. I am only 4 months prego...and I am starting to deal much better, I have even started talking to my baby to be... What do you guys think? FR .. there are some situations that are just very serious and yours might, I feel one of them. For me, when these situations arise I always take a paid for consultation with a lawyer ... not to start any action but because quite often they give you sound advice about common sense things. I would never want to be responsible for starting a legal process but in terms of getting some down to earth, common sense advice about your position on somehting this serious I would seek counsel from a professional. No professional will start action without your written approval and visiting one does not mean that needs to start. Experienced lawyers have seen most things more than once and can also pass on some of that hindsight to you ... When my xMW's husband started emailing me for example I did the same. I took no action but fully understood my legal position. My lawyer said that in all probability it would just stop and that ignoring didn't make me implicit in anything. I thought deeply and took his advice and did nothing, and it just went away. (I know this is not your case but am just giving an examlpe). I have others to do with custody of my child where I did decide to take action .. and in both personal and business cases where action has been requried the ONE thing I always here from the lawyer is why didn't you mention this earlier before it got out of hand. Anway, please feel free to ignore, I'm not a lawyer just aware that sometimes knowledge is power .. and that some situations deserve a professional opinion. Take care - I think you're being very strong Chris
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Please keep your precious baby. I don't think its fair for an innocent life to be taken because of the situation..It has no choice as to where it comes from..but its there for a reason. I think you would truly regret getting an abortion. I'm sorry that your in the situation that your in but a baby is one of the greatest gifts. I know you can make it through, your probably really emotional right now as well. I hope everything works out for you ((HUGS)) Whatever is right for her is what she needs to do concerning having the child. She has reviewed her options and she will determine what is good for her. It doesn't matter if you think it is fair, you aren't going to be pregnant and taking care of the child.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Whatever is right for her is what she needs to do concerning having the child. She has reviewed her options and she will determine what is good for her. It doesn't matter if you think it is fair, you aren't going to be pregnant and taking care of the child. I'm sorry but the last time I checked this website was for opinons and advice. I'm not talking down to her in anyway I'm just giving her my two cents. if you don't like it then don't read it. JEEZE what is with this specific forum that people get soooo upset about?? no one is going to have the exact opinion about anything!
Author FaceReality Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I'm sorry but the last time I checked this website was for opinons and advice. I'm not talking down to her in anyway I'm just giving her my two cents. if you don't like it then don't read it. JEEZE what is with this specific forum that people get soooo upset about?? no one is going to have the exact opinion about anything! Its okay - for awhile I was seriously considering getting a late term abortion...I have decided to keep the baby...thanks for sharing your concern. An abortion at my age and with my history would have ruined me...so I am sure I made the right choice keeping my baby.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Times will get easier, I promise. I haven't gone through your situation but I got pregnant when I was a senior in HS and I remember the day to day battles I faced wondering the what if's? I know that it sounds like you feel horrible about the affair but something beautiful is coming out of it, and you get to decide how you want deal with it, its in your hands not HIS. You will find a man who is willing to give it all to you, thats what you deserve, and when you do find that man, he will love your baby just as much (trust me)
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 He hasn't worked up the nerve to ask me yet, so he just throws out ocomments/ideas to bait and see how I react. For example our last conversation he told me, "Well, I plan on moving back to home to my country one day, I don't know when but I just know I don't belong in America" -- what was the point in telling me that? He just does those types of things. This comment about him thinking about going back to his country sounds like a veiled threat. Meaning that if you try to get child support, he'll disappear. And there won't be any way to get child support from him if he's in another country. I don't know why he hasn't asked you what you plan to do in regards of child support. He could just be open and talk about it. It seems he would either offer to help you, or the two of you would discuss this. It all seems so cold. It's very sad from that perspective, although the baby itself is a complete joy.
1Angel Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 If you're keeping the baby and not giving up for adoption, you MUST get this guy for child support. Don't fall for his crap. Do it now! it's his repsonsibility as much as yours. He lied to you at beginning about being married and now you say he doesn't want to support? Well boo hoo. Too darn bad sucks to be him.
CarrieT Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 If you're keeping the baby and not giving up for adoption, you MUST get this guy for child support. Don't fall for his crap. Do it now! it's his repsonsibility as much as yours. He lied to you at beginning about being married and now you say he doesn't want to support? Well boo hoo. Too darn bad sucks to be him. Totally concur; I am the god-mother to a child whose mother had an affair with a married man and agreed to keep it hidden. I can't tell you the strife and pain my friend has gone through and how horribly it has affected her ability to raise her child. She has NO child support except when the BioDad has a few extra dollars to help out. You are obviously a very strong woman to be able to go through this, but hold the BioDad accountable to the very end -- think about your child's future, all the way to college. Is this something you want to do by yourself financially? Don't let him get away with it; he is just as responsible and even if you don't ever want to talk to him again, make sure your child is taken care of financially.
theBrokenMuse Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 [threadjack] I'm sorry but the last time I checked this website was for opinons and advice. I'm not talking down to her in anyway I'm just giving her my two cents. if you don't like it then don't read it. JEEZE what is with this specific forum that people get soooo upset about?? no one is going to have the exact opinion about anything! It has nothing to do with this 'specific forum' or your opinion, it has to do with not being tolerant of people trying to use this website as a platform to push certain agendas (like pro-life) using manipulative guilt-inducing rhetoric on people who may be in a fragile emotional state. It is wrong and deserves being called out as such. [/end threadjack]
Author FaceReality Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 This comment about him thinking about going back to his country sounds like a veiled threat. Meaning that if you try to get child support, he'll disappear. And there won't be any way to get child support from him if he's in another country. I don't know why he hasn't asked you what you plan to do in regards of child support. He could just be open and talk about it. It seems he would either offer to help you, or the two of you would discuss this. It all seems so cold. It's very sad from that perspective, although the baby itself is a complete joy. I know he means it as a threat, but I also know that he won't be leaving for a few years, the government agency he works for is planning to open a office in his country in a few years and he currently has to go through a at least a year of training and get a few years of experience before he would even qualify for a transfer. And since he would still be working for a US company (especially) the US government I think he would still be obligated to pay child support. He works for the IRS...
NoIDidn't Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 His reaction or rather lack there of a reaction had me orginally concerned too. To the point that I really don't just don't trust him. Something is up and I just don't know what. At one point I asked if he would be wiling to sign away his parental rights, and he told me that if it would make me keep the baby he would consider it....hmmm. I haven't revisted that issue again. So I have maintained minimal conversation with him. He calls me, I do not call him. I think that the reality of it maybe just has not hit him yet, I just don't know. I am also confident that he feels I would never tell his wife and he can pretty much keep it a secret. Most times now I just avoid his calls, I am trying to stay strong, and when he calls he always seems to be fishing for information or says something that puts me in a bad place/mood. I even asked him if he calls me because he really cares or if it is because he is just trying to feel me out. I really just think he is trying to work up the nerve to ask if I plan to file a paternity suit and seek child support. Reading this gives me the creeps. Honestly. I've seen MM do this to OW before they completely freak out about her not deciding on her own to seek an abortion, or at least be willing to keep the whole thing (pregnancy, baby) away from his "real" family. You are so right about him feeling you out with his phone calls. He is starting to get unsettled about it. He is starting to think about his marriage and child. His concerns will come out slowly until he just cracks. He's doing his level best to continue to appear to be "the good guy" in all this. Be careful about revealing your suspicions concerning his actions. This is just my opinion, I might add.
Angel1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 If you don't mind saying, I'm curious about what country he's from. This alone can tell you a lot about a person.
Author FaceReality Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Reading this gives me the creeps. Honestly. I've seen MM do this to OW before they completely freak out about her not deciding on her own to seek an abortion, or at least be willing to keep the whole thing (pregnancy, baby) away from his "real" family. You are so right about him feeling you out with his phone calls. He is starting to get unsettled about it. He is starting to think about his marriage and child. His concerns will come out slowly until he just cracks. He's doing his level best to continue to appear to be "the good guy" in all this. Be careful about revealing your suspicions concerning his actions. This is just my opinion, I might add. I think you are right... do you think I should just stop communication with him now. I am starting to get a little freaked out...and just don't want to very much as I am realizing his true intentions. I just don't know what to do. I am only worried that if I don't communicate with him he may just show up at my home.
Author FaceReality Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 If you don't mind saying, I'm curious about what country he's from. This alone can tell you a lot about a person. He is from Costa Rica...and I believe that if he goes back he would never intend on paying child support and probably never contact me or the child. As long as he continued to work for the US government however I don't know that he would have much of a choice even if he is stationed in another country. I guess the legal issues are much more complicated since he is from another country. At some point soon I will need to pay a lawyer for a consultation. I just want to do the right thing. I just don't want to go through all this, I have to get strength, I have never been into conflict or drama, so this situation is hard for me to deal with, and when we talk lately I am so intimidated by him...I just hate it. I am just scared about everything at this point.
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