Pregnant by MM

[FaceReality]

Fooled once...

Thanks for your posting it was so positive. Answering your questions...

 

No I do not intend on still seeing my MM baby no baby...I think enough damage has been done...I can't be so ignorant to continue. If he doesn't contact me...I will leave it at that.

 

In My heart of hearts do I want this baby? I just don't know I have built my life and dreams on the premise that I would not have a child...so all this is so new for me...I had learned to not long to one day become a mother, so these emotions I am experiencing our new and overwhelming. I try to dig down deep inside but I can't seem to move past the issue at hand now and how it will negativley impact my and the babies future. I keep thinking maybe I should just continue with the life that I had planned. My pregnancy is high risk...I just don't want to get my hopes up.

 

What did mean when you wrote "It is kinda telling that he has not been in communication with you regarding PAYING for an abortion. That sound SPEAK VOLUMES to you." I may be naive but I thought maybe he just needed time to figure out when he could take me and how to move his money around for the abortion...is that not the issue you think?

 

I have a standing appointment for the abortion next Thursday. I hope to hear from MM before then about it. If not I will need to decide if I will do it on my own or ask someone to go with me...I will also continue to search if this is what I want to do.

My appointment is at 1pm tomorrow. I will get another view of the little one...I hope he/she behaves better tomorrow.

 

I don't know if there is a right choice at this point, not when everything was so wrong to begin with, so I guess I just need to make one and stick with it.

 

 

I love that I have my families support for having a baby, that does help me when I think about raising a child alone.

 

again my heart thanks you...I am so much better emotionally than I was a few days ago.

[FaceReality]

FR does your MM know you post here?

 

You said he thinks the baby is a blessing. He must be feeling utterly sick at the thought that you are thinking of terminating your pregnancy. He might also wonder if you are using the threat of termination to manipulate him in some way.

 

It is your decision of course but please seek professional counseling about it before you do. You seem very conflicted about an abortion.

 

I'm probably in a different country to you but depending on where you are, if/when you have the baby you are almost certainly entitled to child support from the father and he will be entitled to seek custody or visitation rights. Even if he signs away his rights (is that even possible?) your child has rights to parental support that possibly you can't sign away on your child's behalf.

 

If you decide to have the baby and want to be the main custodial parent it is better for you if the father does not know that you are considering late term abortion as he may be able to use that against you in any custody dispute.

moaningmrtyle,

 

No My MM does not know I post here. I want advice from women who can relate and give me good insights. I recognize I can be impulsive and one sided sometimes.

 

I hope he does not think I am manipulating the situation, as I truly am not. I am just so conflicted and hoped he would help me through this decision, but that has not been the case so far.

 

I am not so much interested in child support if I do keep the child, I would rather he consent to termination of his parental rights...I think it would be easier, and he has advised me that he would not sign away parental rights...so I steered clear of the issue with him until I can determine when and if a legal battle will ensue. At this point the stress of legal issues is something I don't want to deal with at this point. I also need to fully research all the legal options should I keep the baby.

 

Thank you for your insights and your advice is much appreciated. One thing I am learning is that I don't have to involve him in my decision to keep it or terminate...his involvement only drags out our relationship (I don't think of it as an A anymore) and I need to just let that go...but I don't know if I would have realized that if I hadn't begun posting here...thanks to everyone for that.

[fooled once]

Fooled once...

Thanks for your posting it was so positive. Answering your questions...

 

No I do not intend on still seeing my MM baby no baby...I think enough damage has been done...I can't be so ignorant to continue. If he doesn't contact me...I will leave it at that.

 

In My heart of hearts do I want this baby? I just don't know I have built my life and dreams on the premise that I would not have a child...so all this is so new for me...I had learned to not long to one day become a mother, so these emotions I am experiencing our new and overwhelming. I try to dig down deep inside but I can't seem to move past the issue at hand now and how it will negativley impact my and the babies future. I keep thinking maybe I should just continue with the life that I had planned. My pregnancy is high risk...I just don't want to get my hopes up.

 

What did mean when you wrote "It is kinda telling that he has not been in communication with you regarding PAYING for an abortion. That sound SPEAK VOLUMES to you." I may be naive but I thought maybe he just needed time to figure out when he could take me and how to move his money around for the abortion...is that not the issue you think?

 

I have a standing appointment for the abortion next Thursday. I hope to hear from MM before then about it. If not I will need to decide if I will do it on my own or ask someone to go with me...I will also continue to search if this is what I want to do.

My appointment is at 1pm tomorrow. I will get another view of the little one...I hope he/she behaves better tomorrow.

 

I don't know if there is a right choice at this point, not when everything was so wrong to begin with, so I guess I just need to make one and stick with it.

 

 

I love that I have my families support for having a baby, that does help me when I think about raising a child alone.

 

again my heart thanks you...I am so much better emotionally than I was a few days ago.

 

What I mean is - he hasn't responded to you at ALL about it - not to tell you "Please don't do it" or "I will take you and pay for it" - he has responded with SILENCE. That says a lot to me. He has bailed on you.

 

With you looking forward to the appointment tomorrow speaks volumes to me too - it means YOU DO want this baby. If you didn't, you wouldn't care what the sex is ~ it you wouldn't even want to know. You would not care, you would be "so what". So I think you have the answer. Seeing the baby on the ultrasound --- what did that feel like? Did your heart fill with love? If so, how would you be able to terminate that? I don't mean to sound harsh or cold - just factual.

 

I think you will keep the baby and you will love him/her and you will find the right words when the time is right.

 

Keep up your strength, get your prenatal care and good luck!

[DESTIE]

Destie

How are you doing? Is it difficult dealing with your MM now that the baby is born? Do you love your MM? I don't think I do and I am very scared of developing more of emotional connection to him past what I already have so I am attempting to scale back communication until I decide for sure what to do. If it is not to personal, are you suffering any post-partium depression becuase of the situation? I have been known to suffer periods of meloncholy and I am worried about this if I have the baby. Are you happy? Do you think you made the right choice?

Thanks - your situation now can really help give me insight since I don't want to involve the W in my situation.

 

I am doing a lot better than I thought I would. It has gotten a little awkward between us now that she is here but we are still trying to figure things out. Especially regarding the role he will play in her life.

 

Unfortunately I do love him, he put me through hell in the beginning of my pregnancy but in my 3rd trimester he changed completely. He came by often to make sure I was ok and make sure I was eating well. And once I had her and I saw him with her for the first time I fell even deeper in love with him.

 

I have had no PPD, and despite the situation I am very happy and wouldn't change my decision for anything. This little girl means the world to me.

[FaceReality]

Hi Guys...

I am getting ready to go get my blood work down and get another ultra sound....

 

My feelings at this point are half and half. I want to keep the baby because it very well may be my miracle baby. I don't want the baby because of the situation and the harm it will cause later in life...

 

So here is where I am now... If MM contacts me and agrees to take me and pay for the abortion...I will get it. And I will go back to life before I knew him...it was a good life...If he does not contact me I will keep it and love it to unconditionally and deal with the pain that will ensue later. At my third trimester I will retain a lawyer so I am prepaired legally when the baby is born.

 

 

I make about $50,000 a year and am tenured and live in FL...so the cost of living is low compared to other areas of the country. I have been fine with that since I am single but I am sure that will change if a child is brought into the situation and so that is why I think filing for child support should be an option for me...

 

I just need to get back in the game, I have been such an emotional wreck that I have used all my personal days at work. I need to get motivated and get back on track.

 

What do you guys think about it?

[NoIDidn't]

Sounds like you are thinking with a level head.

 

I'm glad you are coming back to your usual self.

 

Good luck! I think you will do fine whatever you choose. For what its worth though, you sound like great Mom material.

 

[sb129]

In My heart of hearts do I want this baby? I just don't know I have built my life and dreams on the premise that I would not have a child...so all this is so new for me...I had learned to not long to one day become a mother, so these emotions I am experiencing our new and overwhelming. I try to dig down deep inside but I can't seem to move past the issue at hand now and how it will negativley impact my and the babies future. I keep thinking maybe I should just continue with the life that I had planned. My pregnancy is high risk...I just don't want to get my hopes up.

 

My feelings at this point are half and half. I want to keep the baby because it very well may be my miracle baby. I don't want the baby because of the situation and the harm it will cause later in life...

 

FR- (((Hugs))

 

I can't help but feel that you are still putting MM and his familys feelings ahead of your own. You haven't really mentioned what having the abortion will do to YOU long term.

 

I fear that your personal loss will be far greater than any potential disruption your child may cause his family later in life.

 

Many children are born into bad situations, many are born into good or "ideal" situations that subsequently turn bad (divorce, death of a parent etc etc)

 

My Hs parents divorced when he was small, and neither parent is a great contender for parent of the year, but he is a wonderful person.

 

As long as a child has one loving, supportive adult in its life, it has just as good a chance as any other to grow up healthy and well balanced, both physically and emotionally.

 

You sound like you would be a wonderful mother, and the world needs more children to be born to wonderful mothers.

 

My perspective is very biased- as you know I have an 11 week old baby girl of my own. I fell pregnant very quickly after we got married and it took me a long time to come to grips with it mentally. I would even say I was quite indifferent to it for a while, and wasn't sure if I was ready to give up my previous lifestyle.

Now that she is here, the unconditional bond we have is just magical.

[Chocolat]

So here is where I am now... If MM contacts me and agrees to take me and pay for the abortion...I will get it. And I will go back to life before I knew him...it was a good life...If he does not contact me I will keep it and love it to unconditionally and deal with the pain that will ensue later. At my third trimester I will retain a lawyer so I am prepaired legally when the baby is born.

 

 

What do you guys think about it?

 

It sounds as though you are abdicating what will probably be the most important decision of your life to this MM. If he contacts you, you'll abort your child, but if he doesn't, you'll keep it. This does not sound like a rational process at all. Where are your interests in all of this?

 

Is there no one you can speak to -- friend, clergy, counselor -- who can help you sort out what YOU want?

[LucreziaBorgia]

What do you guys think about it?

 

I can honestly say that I don't think that leaving the decision in his hands is a good idea. That should be something that you decide, not him. What if you go through with it, and postpartum hits, he can't be there to help/support you and you realize that gave up your child for a man who can't even so much as hold you when you need to be held after a traumatic event? You will resent the fact that you left the decision up to him, and this may end up nearly destroying you.

 

Think this through carefully. Ask your health care provider if there is someone you can talk to to help you think things through for yourself and not just in reaction to your MM's decision.

[PhoenixRise]

I don't understand why you are basing a decision that will have such huge implications (no matter what you decide) up to the actions of a married man who can't/won't make YOUR well being, your best interest, a priority.

 

I think YOU need to decide for YOURSELF (independent of the action or inaction of MM) whether or not you want this baby. Then you take action based on what YOU want.

[silverplanets]

I agree - I think you have a right to make this descision based upon what you decide is best for YOU.

 

I am a man of 42 and have raised my daughter since she was 6 months (she is 10 years this month).

 

All I can say is that raising a child is THE best experience ever and it changes you completely at a deep level.

 

Whether to have the baby or not is definately not something you should let someone else decide (or even influence).

 

Good luck

Chris

[fooled once]

How about this???

 

How about you not give a rats behind what he does and doesn't do? How about you base the decision on keeping this child on YOU - NOT him. How about YOU decide what is best for YOU and your child?

 

I don't mean that nasty, I don't mean that with malice. I mean that with my heart.

 

Children are the biggest blessings and biggest pain in the butt's in our lives. DO NOT base the single most life altering decision on what "he" decides. Bull crap.

 

Your baby is kicking now. Your baby is living now. I don't mean to get all pro life on you; but don't you dare make this decision based on HIM. That's crap and I think you know that.

 

YOU can raise this child. YOU can control what impact he has on this child. He isn't going to want to upset his applecart at home. He isn't going to want to walk in and say 'Hey wife, guess what - I knocked up my Saturday night fling and you are going to be a stepmom". No way.

 

He wants this undercover, he wants to not have to tell his wife.

 

And honey - IF he won't sign off on his rights, then you go for FULL child support. You put it in an account for college for your little one; you put it in an account for a down payment on a house. You put it away for your little one.

 

Okay, lecture over. I hope the ultrasound went better today and you know what you are carrying inside you.

[jwi71]

 

And honey - IF he won't sign off on his rights, then you go for FULL child support.

 

Almost Fooled Once.

 

You get the child support either way. Every penny.

 

The CHILD deserves it.

 

YOU need the help.

 

And its HIS duty.

[Montclair0011]

FaceReality,

 

I vote for keeping the kid and filing for child support and moving on with your life. Not sure how old you are but since you were told you could not have children this is not the time to try again later. As someone who originally did not want to have children, I can't beleive I almost missed out on such an amazing experience. Let some good come out of this miserable situation.

 

As long as you can keep your job (with tenure--more stability!) and your friends, screw the rest of them. But you should make sure you get child support. This kid is his and he needs to take responsiblity. This will no doubt make him mad and will probably ruin your chances of a life with him, but it does not sound as though that was going to happen anyway.

 

And get yourself a therapist too, as you will need some professional help and support to get through all of this. You seem to have some serious issues with power going on there (doormat alert--I've been there). BTW, I'm totally 100% pro-choice and have no problem with abortion--but I think you might really regret not having this baby--especially if you allow the choice to be made by the MM. He's already too much in control. As others have concured, time for you to make a decsion about what you want for you, not what he wants for himself.

[fooled once]

Almost Fooled Once.

 

You get the child support either way. Every penny.

 

The CHILD deserves it.

 

YOU need the help.

 

And its HIS duty.

 

If he signs off his rights, then legally I am not sure you can get c/s. In VA, if you don't have someone willing to legally adopt the child, then the father cannot terminate his rights (I believe this is the case).

 

But YES --- get c/s out of him if you can even if he terminates his rights!! You are so correct jwl, it is for the child!

[jwi71]

If he signs off his rights, then legally I am not sure you can get c/s. In VA, if you don't have someone willing to legally adopt the child, then the father cannot terminate his rights (I believe this is the case).

 

But YES --- get c/s out of him if you can even if he terminates his rights!! You are so correct jwl, it is for the child!

 

Again...almost

 

Most states, like Texas (where I live), don't give a rats a$$ if you sign over "rights" or not. There is a separation between "rights" in terms of parental decision making and financial obligation. Signing over parental decision making does NOT relieve you from financial obligation. Every once in a while the politicians get something right - this is one of those times.

 

Otherwise, fathers who didn't WANT to pay would sign over their "rights" and skip out Scot free and have no parental obligations OR financial ones.

 

OP...ask a family law attorney in your area...I bet you get full support no matter what this loser does. And in Texas...its 20% of his net pay!

[DrIndigo]

Face Reality,

 

You are the only person who knows whether you are ready to have a child. It doesn't matter what MM thinks/wants/feels. It doesn't even matter whether this baby is a "miracle" or even your only chance. What does matter is whether you want to have this child, raise it, take care of it, protect it from the kind of waffling you're doing right now (and I don't mean that unkindly), support it financially and emotionally, and ensure it grows up to be a happy, healthy adult. You're the only person in the world who knows whether you want to do that and whether you are willing and capable.

 

Haivng a child is a huge decision, even under the best circumstances. Too many people have children for the wrong reasons and the children are the ones who pay the price. That you would base your decision on whether MM calls and offers to pay/take you for an abortion is very troubling. I know you're in a tough situation, and I feel for you - but that's no way to have a baby! If that's how you plan to make decisions throughout this child's life, then please abort it now. This child will need you to be stable, rational, and to always put its interests above everyone else's. I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see that you're ready to do that.

 

You should talk to a family law practioner now. You have to be able to assess your financial ability to care for this child, and that means finding out now what your options for child support might be. A Florida lawyer will be able to tell you whether Florida will let you collect child support if MM signs away his parental rights (as it varies from state to state) and will also be able to tell you what you might be able to expect in terms of a dollar amount from MM as well as visitation in case MM is not willing to sign away his parental rights.

 

It is cruel that you have to make such a big decision with so little time and without the support that many pregnant women enjoy (romantic and familial). But even if you had all that support, this is a decision that, at the end of the day, only you can make. Please think it through carefully and consider all the ways this will impact your life as well as what you are willing to sacrifice for this child. In the end, I believe you will know the right thing to do.

[FaceReality]

Thanks guys you have been such a big help...

I haven't been to work in the last three days...everything just stopped for me...I have cried...till I have no more left in me. I can't let this consume me and so far it has.

I realized what triggered my emotional break down...When he came over last saturday...he was showing me pics of his mom and siblings when he "accidently" showed me a couple of pictures of his wife and son...I had seen his son before but never his wife. The reality of the situation hit me at that point and so followed my downward spiral. I have only gotten out of bed to go to the my doctors appointment since.I just feel so guilty. I was always one of those "I would never mess around with a MM" type of girls...and look at me now...lives can/will be ruined because of this.

Yesterday my ultrasound went great, they said the baby looks fine and sent measurements and blood out for testing. I get the results next week. Sunday will mark my 4th month. The ultrasound specialist said that if she had to guess, it is a boy, But they can't be sure right now.

 

MM text me today and said he needs me to call him at 6pm. I was just starting to feel better, and now I just don't want to talk to him. However I feel terrible becuase in the mist of my emotional break down over the last 5 days I have emailed him twice just about begging him to take me for an abortion. So I don't know if it is right to just go No Contact with him now...I can see how that is really unfair. But he is a trigger...I need to come out of this place of darkness and I just don't know if talking with him is safe for me right now. Should I speak call him as he requested tonight? I hate that I am "waffling" so much right now. I want to be fair.

 

I still have a standing appointment next Thursday for the late term abortion...but I now realize that the decision to abort should not be based on his decision, which is another reason why I don't want to talk with tonight. I was planning on just turning off my cell phone and getting some grading done so I can get back in the grove of life. Maybe even changing my cell phone number.

 

I been thinking lately that I can do it...having the baby and all. I come from 3 generations of teachers...and my family is very supportive of me having the baby...they would never support an abortion.

 

If I go full no contact child support might not be a fair option. I would have to revisit that issue if I hit my 3rd trimester. Again I am waffling. I am really hating myself right now. I am sorry for being such a nutcase about it all guys. But one thing is for sure...logging into this site and putting a post up in a moment of despair was the best decision I have made recently.

 

Thanks again and hugs to you all!

[Virgo1982]

It sounds like you are a very considerate person. In fact, you are being too considerate in this situation. Unlike your child, the MM is an adult who chose to go outside of his M and make a child with you. I do not think you will be pleased with yourself if you abort this child-especially if you are unable to conceive in the future. However, I can not recall many people who are unhappy with the blessing of a mother/child relationship.

 

I am not even sure this man believes you should have an abortion because he would have jumped at the opportunity. Regardless, I think you should have the child. Not because I am anti-choice, but because I truly believe you will regret the decision to abort your child. You have a great deal of support and because you are in a dark place, you have not allowed yourself to appreciate your blessings.

 

Furthermore, he needs to support your child completely. But whether he is willing or unwilling, financial support is mandatory. I know a man who is a product of an affair and he is a very loving, intelligent, well-adjusted, loved individual.

 

This is not the end of your world, but a beautiful beginning. You will see how beautiful when you look in your baby's eyes.

 

**HUGS**

[crystal_lostheart]

FR

 

Big Hugs to You

 

Whatever you decide, please make it your very own decision. Own it. Don't base what you want to do on him. It is something I believe you will regret one day.

 

Please take care

[FaceReality]

Hi guys,

 

I didn't get a response back from you all before MMs call. I spoke with him and basically he said that the decision to have the baby or not was up to me, not him.

 

He told me that I have to do what I want to do and not base my decision on how it will affect him and his family. He said that he knows that at some point it will cause trouble for his family but that was something that he would have to worry about and not me. He told me not to worry about his family and think about what I wanted to do.

 

He said if I decide to have the abortion...he would help and that if I wanted to keep the baby that he would support my decision because he believes that my child is a blessing for me.

 

He told me that he would call me tomorrow to see how I was doing and that I should take a few days to think about things for myself.

 

Guys I am thinking I wanna keep my baby. My question now is, should I allow him any contact. It was a relief to hear what he had to say and I am appreciative of his words but I still think that I should not be in contact with him anymore -- Then again is that fair? He seems to honest and concerned at this point but then again he could change and it would be hurtful. Should I just go no contact and end it with with our conversation tonight.

 

I am not interested in keeping an A with him, and never interested in breaking up a home. I have never had a problem not speaking to guys I wanted nothing to do with anymore then again I have never been pregnant. My only interest is being fair...(that is just the type of person I am) and moving on with my life. Help me with some feed back.

[fooled once]

KEEP the baby!!! I know deep in your heart, that is what you want.

 

How about you just live your life and see what happens in the future. Take precautions to protect YOU and YOUR child.

 

IF he wants to be in this child's life, that is HIS decision. You can provide access, IN YOUR HOME. As your child gets older, it is up to the father to decide what role he wants to play. HE needs to worry about HIS marriage/family - do NOT take that on. It isn't your decision.

 

I would allow him contact - in your home only - though. I would NOT allow him to take the child to his wife's house.

 

I would also tell him you have opened an account in which he is to pay c/s into. I would settle on a figure based on what his income is vs your income. $500 a month seems to be a fair amount, IMHO.

 

Don't look to the future - look at each day as it comes and don't think too far ahead. Worry about nurturing your child inside you and keep your family close and let THEM be the ones with you at the hospital, at birth classes, etc. Lean on them.

 

I might tell him you prefer to only have email contact - no phone calls. Limit it to the baby and that's it. Please do NOT have sex with him, have intimate relations of any sort. Let his WIFE provide those, as she should. Or let him go on and find another mistress. Let that part of the 'relationship' be done.

[whichwayisup]

Keep the baby, it's a blessing and this child is going to bring love and happiness into your life. I'm glad to hear you've changed your mind..

 

As for EX-MM, (and he HAS to stay that way, even if he tries to continue the A or have it be an EA) just keep your distance. I think for now you need to focus on the pregnancy, less stress as possible ,take all your vitamins, supplements that you need to take and worry about everything else once the baby is born.

 

Again, keep your distance especially emotionally away from exMM.

[tami-chan]

FR *hugs*....keeping the baby *sigh*.....I am not religious but, I tell you each time a child is born...it is just such a miraculous event....it is really very emotional-even to me who is just there for the birth...

 

You still need to ask and be clear with your MM about what role he wants....and what you want....you have to tell him what you want and do not leave it up to him to tell you what he can spare.....

 

Take care...!

[sb129]

FR- Keep the baby!

I think you will be a wonderful mother and you won't regret it.

 

I could tell you all sorts of gorgeous baby things my daughter has done lately that would emotionally manipulate you, but you will just have to find those things out for yourself!

 

MMs response is worth commenting on.

He is facing up to the consequences of his actions and owning some responsibility- and he is taking full responsibility for any upset it may cause his family- which is commendable. Many men would push for the less savoury option, I am glad he has left the decision up to you.