Pregnant by MM

[awkward]

Congratulations. I'm sure you are feeling worried and happy at the same time since you didn't think you could have a child.

 

Try to take care of yourself. Not just your physical health but your emotional health as well. Always try to remember that your child is depending on you to remain stress free and healthy. Buy the books about parenting and read them. Soon you will understand that your child's emotional well being is more important than your MM's cake eating ways.

 

I can't give you any advice about the MM or the wife. There are other posters here that have BTDT or at least have a better perspective than I.

 

But .... Is your MM really not planning on telling his wife? If my husband fathered a child with someone else and didn't have the balls to tell me immediately, I would HATE him. It. Would. Kill. Me.

 

Oh, I do have advice about the affair. STOP IT!

[willowfields]

the mantra does work. why hurt his wife by telling her, what is there to gain by telling her. when i was pregnant, the last thing i would have ever done was to tell his wife. at the time she was here, and had not moved. i was so worried about breaking his family apart. i had sent him an email telling him that he never has to worry about child support, or anything else to do with the baby, it's like he does not exist to protect his family. of course he freaked, and came over and we talked, he started to accept the baby, and said he would do his part. if it interfered with his family in anyway, like his wife finding out, i would have void him of any responsibilities. i was looking to protect his life, not blow his world apart.

 

again i ask, most everyone is so hell bent on telling his wife, why???, what is there to gain by blowing someones world apart???

[CarrieT]

again i ask, most everyone is so hell bent on telling his wife, why???, what is there to gain by blowing someones world apart???

 

Knowledge that the child exists so that paternity can be established and that the child will be taken care of regardless?

 

It is not about the sperm-doners, wives, mothers, etc, but about the CHILDREN.

[LucreziaBorgia]

i was looking to protect his life, not blow his world apart.

 

I guess it comes down to whose life is more important to protect: MM or the child's? Everyone has choices, and eventually those choices catch up with you. Does the child know that his/her father is a MM? What do you plan to say to the child when he/she asks the hard questions: Why doesn't Daddy live here? Why is Daddy married to someone else? Why can't Daddy come to my (insert school/sport event here)? Etc.

 

These things may not seem like a concern now, but these are the things that need to be addressed. Even simple things like:

 

Your child qualifies for a (day care/school/school loan) based on his MM's income but not yours. Can MM's income be listed on the forms?

 

You are running late for work, you need to get your child to daycare/school/sporting event. Can you depend on MM to get the child there?

 

You find yourself with an emergency and need last minute care/overnight care for your child and your family can't help and you can't find a sitter. Can MM be there to watch the child?

 

Your child wants to go to Daddy's house to visit and wants to know why he/she can't. What do you say to him/her?

 

These are the practical things that you have to put 'love for MM' aside for in order to provide for the child.

 

I can understand if you (in a general sense, not a specific poster) are independently wealthy and can hire help to watch the kids, or you have a MM rich enough to support you enough to hire help for you but what if you are like the average single mother struggling? Who gets sacrificed? Your MM's 'secret' or your child's well being?

[Lizzie60]

Here's what I would do: (been there, with my daughter)...

 

I was young, naive.. he was separated (not yet divorced)... I got pregnant.. didn't want him to have anything to do with the child.. (I was in college, in debts, no jobs, no money)...

 

When I had my baby, I put 'unknown father' on the birth certificate.. so I made sure he wouldn't have any rights.. that's what I wanted.. I didn't want any trouble for my child (being carried back and forth, etc)... I wanted a 'secure' place for her..

 

I knew that, once I had a job, I could care for her.. and this is exactly what heppened.. I had a great job.. paid off my debts, etc... I had an amazing baby sitter (granny)...

 

For you... you have a good job.. you can take care of your baby...

Do you really want your child to be carried around from your place to his?

Who knows.. how his W will accept your baby... she might 'hate' him/her (I doubt his place will be a loving environment for your child).

Do you really want to put your child through this misery... or do you rather have your child all for yourself.. and raise him/her the way YOU want... in a secure, loving environment.

 

Think really hard about it BEFORE you take any decisions.. chances are this MM will NOT leave his marriage and his family... and you will be stuck (probably) with all the misery of being 'second' with your child..

 

THINK ABOUT IT... good luck.

[FaceReality]

Guys I can't take it...I am to the point of no return. I just looked into late term abortions, I can find a clinic that will do up to 24 weeks. Its a surgery rather than a regular abortion. I sent MM an email and advised he needs to make arrangements to go with me and pay for everything. The mental and physical pain I will suffer is my payment. I just want to die. I started looking up information on him and his wife and I feel like a fool. His wife is beautiful why did he do such a thing. I cannot deal with this lifestyle I need out immediatley.

[FaceReality]

@ leefights. . .I guess I deserve that. I obvisouly made a terrible mistake and I am sorry and hate myself enough for it.

[curiousnycgirl]

Are you sure? It is certainly your decision and your right - but make sure it is what YOU want. The way you described this as a miracle baby makes me question if you are just having an emotinal reaction.

 

Just make sure whatever you do, it is best for YOU and done for the right reasons.

[Lizzie60]

the mantra does work. why hurt his wife by telling her, what is there to gain by telling her. when i was pregnant, the last thing i would have ever done was to tell his wife. at the time she was here, and had not moved. i was so worried about breaking his family apart. i had sent him an email telling him that he never has to worry about child support, or anything else to do with the baby, it's like he does not exist to protect his family. of course he freaked, and came over and we talked, he started to accept the baby, and said he would do his part. if it interfered with his family in anyway, like his wife finding out, i would have void him of any responsibilities. i was looking to protect his life, not blow his world apart.

 

again i ask, most everyone is so hell bent on telling his wife, why???, what is there to gain by blowing someones world apart???

 

I completely agree with you on this one... why hurt more people..

[LucreziaBorgia]

@ leefights. . .I guess I deserve that. I obvisouly made a terrible mistake and I am sorry and hate myself enough for it.

 

No one deserves something like that!

 

You can't afford to hate yourself at this point. You have a child on the way who will bring happiness and joy in your life. You can't fully appreciate it, if you hate yourself!

 

Have you thought about seeing a counselor or talking to someone in your community (clergy, etc) about how you are feeling? You have to take care of yourself now for both your sakes.

[Lizzie60]

and I should have added... looking back now.. I made the best decision... she was MINE only.. he never had any rights or any visiting rights ... I wanted to make sure she'd be safe and loved.

 

Nothing wrong with raising a child alone.. when you are financially capable.. it's even more rewarding..

 

My daughter is now 34 and has 2 kids (my adoration)... the best decision I've made.. she's an amazing mother.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Guys I can't take it...I am to the point of no return. I just looked into late term abortions, I can find a clinic that will do up to 24 weeks. Its a surgery rather than a regular abortion. I sent MM an email and advised he needs to make arrangements to go with me and pay for everything. The mental and physical pain I will suffer is my payment. I just want to die. I started looking up information on him and his wife and I feel like a fool. His wife is beautiful why did he do such a thing. I cannot deal with this lifestyle I need out immediatley.

 

Please think carefully about this. Are you doing this for you, or for him? Again, please consider talking to a counselor or something. I can understand being scared, upset and feeling like you do but you don't have to feel this alone.

[Baroness67]

I am so sorry that you are caught up in this stressful situation. Having a baby should be a wonderful thing. This situation clearly robs you of that joy.

 

I can only see two possibilities, either you plan to take off and raise the baby on your own, with no support, or the wife is going to know at some point. Now or later.

 

From the way your MM is behaving, I don't see him leaving his wife for you. It just doesn't seem to be the way things are going. Also, I am a bit worried about how I am not getting that this MM is frantic or worried or in any way upset like I would imagine he should be in this situation. It is a bit unnatural. Does anyone in your life know that he is the father of your child? I know you are hiding it from your family. Please, let this man know that you have confided in friends. I am sure it sounds paranoid, but there are enough pregnant women that "go missing" before the baby is born so that I feel the needless need to mention this. Protect yourself.

 

The clock is basically ticking now. I agree, I don't think there is much to be gained by your telling the wife. I would consult an attorney and have that attorney ready to go, again, just as protection for yourself and your baby. In time, let the attorney do your talking for you, if you are determined to get support from your MM.

 

I do agree that the "affair" as it is, is over ... keep us updated. There is nothing funny about this, but you are human and where there are children involved, people have to stop thinking about themselves.

[bentnotbroken]

I am a pro-choice advocate, but only if it is truly what one wants. You describe this child as a miracle (as I believe they all are), you need to be beyond 100% sure of your decision. View all possible choices. Raising the child alone, co-parenting, adoption...think of them all. Talk with a professional who can help you sort through your emotions with objectivity and maybe even give you some ideas you hadn't thought of.

[doushenka]

^ bent's post x 10000000.

 

You wanted a child so much -- is some pissant married bloke worth throwing away that gift? I say no! No, he's not worth it! How long have you wanted a child? Upwards of ten years now? And you'd let your heart's wish die for his convenience?

 

Talk to your support system, and I do not mean that irresponsible lout who can claim parentage of your child. Definitely find a counselor; also get your OB's perspective on whether or not you would be able to use IVF and the like to get pregnant again.

 

I'm as pro-choice as they come, and that includes a woman's choice to bear a child as well. You have all the say over your own body; he ought never to dictate how you live merely because he tricked you into a relationship. In fact, I'd say he deserves to pay through the nose for what he did, so you stand your ground, whatever you do.

 

And don't be terrified of a pretty face. Pretty women are just as human as the rest of us.

 

We are here if you need us and firmly on your side.

[PhoenixRise]

I think it is understandable that your emotions are bouncing all over the place right now, but I believe you have to stop and breathe. Stop and think about YOU and what you really want.

 

I am pro choice But from what you have posted I don't see how an abortion would be your true choice...this is the baby you thought you couldn't have..this is the baby you called your miracle baby....you might not get another chance to ever have children...Do you really want to go down that road?

 

I agree with the posters who say that you can't keep the baby a secret if for no other reason than the child will eventually want to know who his/her father is. But I also think that right now is NOT the right time to be thinking about telling the wife. Right now is not the time to be concerned about the MM marriage at all. I think right now you need to focus on yourself and your child. See and retain a good lawyer. Before you have any conversation with MM about his intentions regarding this child know beyond any doubt what your/the child's legal rights are. AND find out what his legal rights are so you will be prepared should he try to exercise them.

 

Then after you have educated yourself about all the legal ramifications act only in the best interest of your child. MM's marriage is HIS problem...he risked it to have an affair with you and it caught up with him.

 

BUT first you have to get really clear....is this a baby you want no matter what?....or is this a baby you want only if MM comes along with it?

[whichwayisup]

Guys I can't take it...I am to the point of no return. I just looked into late term abortions, I can find a clinic that will do up to 24 weeks. Its a surgery rather than a regular abortion. I sent MM an email and advised he needs to make arrangements to go with me and pay for everything. The mental and physical pain I will suffer is my payment. I just want to die. I started looking up information on him and his wife and I feel like a fool. His wife is beautiful why did he do such a thing. I cannot deal with this lifestyle I need out immediatley.

 

 

I think before you decide to go through with this, go talk to a professional and be sure this is what you want.

 

Don't do this if it's just to protect your exMM and you're trying to save his ass.. (I take it the A is now over reguardless..)

 

Make this about YOU and YOUR LIFE. Like Bent said in her reply to you.

[sb129]

^ bent's post x 10000000.

 

You wanted a child so much -- is some pissant married bloke worth throwing away that gift? I say no! No, he's not worth it! How long have you wanted a child? Upwards of ten years now? And you'd let your heart's wish die for his convenience?

.

 

And here.

 

I'm pro choice too, but I don't get the feeling that abortion is what you really want.

 

Perhaps you should look on this as a blessing in disguise?

 

You will get to be a mother (I am a new mother and so far its wonderful).

 

Regardless of the level of involvement MM eventually has in the childs life, you will still be its mother and you are capable of providing a loving supportive environment on your own- so your child will love you as such.

[willowfields]

Just please think about what you are saying about an abortion. I just posted about miscarrying my mm baby. Still now I feel sad and a great loss for losing my baby. I would have been about 5 months preganant. My baby. Think long and hard.

[whichwayisup]

Everyone here can help you, but at the end of the day you REALLY need a trained therapist and/or a good friend in real life to help you come to a decision. I do hope you go talk to a counsellor because this IS going to affect the rest of your life, whatever choice you make.

[fooled once]

Wow......your MM sure was lucky uh. He has an affair with you, you get pregnant and he gets to carry on life as if nothing ever happened. Aren't you the noble (blind) one? You worried more about breaking his family apart and causing him trouble than about yourself and your baby, and the icing on the cake is you were going to void him of all responsibilities so you wouldn't blow his world up. Protect him at all costs uh......at the cost of yourself and your baby. (shakes head and considers beating it on the desk)

 

Perhaps your MM has you so snowed that you are unable to think for yourself and see past what he wants.

 

Get real willowfield!

 

Was this necessary? you can get your point across without being so condescending and rude.....

[whichwayisup]

In some ways I just don't want to deal with the consequences of my actions right now...its a little overwhelming.

 

Unfortunately, you have no choice to.

 

Fact is, you chose to pursue an affair with a man who lied to you from the start. Once you found out he was married, you still chose to have the A. I agree with awkard, the A must end immediately, I hope you atleast know that..

 

Either way, it's here and something you need to accept and face.. PLEASE go talk to a counsellor..

[dazzle22]

This man has shown a PATTERN of deception from the very beginning of your relationship and it would be in your best interest to not let it continue. Does not mean YOU have to tell the wife. This WILL come out somehow-it ALWAYS does, even decades later, and then the stuffing really hits the fan as you have heard from the stories... It would be best if he would MAN up, but of course he has shown he doesn't like to do that..

 

I agree you need to sit down with him and ask him the BLUNT questions suggested, and find out definite answers and don't let him WAFFLE. Remember, this is a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Don't let him off the hook for child care, paternity, etc. That would be co-dependent enabling of his already irresponsible behavior. And I agree with the other poster that you have to have no illusions about the fairy tale ending for the two of you. After all, Prince Charming did not already have a WIFE when he picked up Cinderella...

[fooled once]

I also wanted to say that if YOU don't want to raise a child alone, and if YOU don't want a child - then talk to a counselor about termination.

 

But if YOU want this child and YOU know you can raise this child alone - have your baby.

 

I agree with Lizzie - there is no need to concern yourself with having visitation at his home with his wife. Hell, he probably doesn't even want that.

 

I do get from you that the affair is still going on.... I think you need to rethink THAT decision.

 

If you want this child - have this child. Put unknown as the father. You will later, when your child asks, may need to have a discussion with him/her but for NOW - only think about what YOU want. Don't think that aborting this child will help this LOSER MM - don't concern yourself with him and his marriage. Do what is best for YOU; not him.

 

If you choose to keep this child - there is no doubt in my mind that you will love this child unconditionally. But I worry about all this stress with you. Termination will take away the immediate issue, but it won't take away the pain and heartache you may feel. Don't terminate to save this MM's butt.

 

I hope you have someone to talk to about this -- tell your family everything. I am sure they will help you in any way they can.

[Lizzie60]

I agree... you have to take a decision for YOU and your baby.. no one else matters for now..

 

Once you take a decision (well thought decision)..you do whatever it takes to make you and your baby happy... nevermind the rest...