Seeing xMM face to face....

[hopeless4u]

My MM said an interesting thing the other day. He said that for us to have an open relationship we would have to merge, not only two lives which is common for a new couple, but three lives - since he now is living two separate ones.

 

So, if the MM instead chooses the marriage, that would mean no merger necessary. Perhaps an easier way to go?

 

Before DDay my xMM had always said he couldn't leave his M for me because #1 he needed to know there was nothing left in his M and #2 if he did his family would never except me.

 

Even on DDay, he said we have to think of the future and to do this right so his family would except me.

 

I do think he has taken the easier option.

[jj33]

I do feel sorry for myself, (even though I'm trying not to) but I also know he has made a choice and I have to learn to live with that.

 

I know in my heart I could of made him so happy and could of given him the life he deserved. Maybe its the lies he's told me over the last 2yrs but I truly believe he's just 'doing the right thing' right now and he will never be truly happy and that breaks my heart even more.

 

I won't contact him because he needs to do this and I know he won't contact me because his W has told him I will tell her if he does (not sure I would) but it is driving me in sane not knowing how he is feeling.

 

He has lied to you repeatedly over the past 2 years. So did you EVER REALLY know what he was thinking? You dont know and so that leaves you to fill in the blanks and create a romantic fantasy - tragic lovers torn apart.

 

I know you are hurting and I wish you werent but you have to realise that its not helping you to build this romantic fanstasy when he repeatedly lied to you.

 

 

I am so worried about going back to work.

 

If I knew he had decided the A was a mistake and he truly wanted to be with his W then I could put the walls up and just be hard and act like I don't care(I know that is what he'll expect me to do) but if I do that and he is just doing 'the right thing' then I know it will break his heart and I really can't do that to him.

 

This is so hard, I just want to do the right thing but i'm going through hell to know what that is.

 

 

The best thing you can do is to put up a wall and be purely professional.

 

He went back to his wife. Actions speak louder than words. If he did it so that he could give the marriage a try, then you are helping him fulfull his mission. If he did it because he feels the A was a mistake you are keeping your dignity. You win either way.

 

Unless he comes to you with D papers, there is really nothing more to say.

 

You are not his therapist, you are not his wife, his sister his mother his lover. You are someone who he has asked not to contact him while he works on his marriage. While its normal that you worry about someone you care about, you have to put you first right now. You wont know what he is thinking but you can work on your own healing when you are ready.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

[awkward]

I understand you think this is about him but it really is about me. I am worried he will give me 'that look' and I will fall to pieces in front of everyone.

 

If I knew he'd gone back to his W because he realised he'd never loved me blah,blah then I could just shut him out, give him the finger and be strong but if he looks at me with pain in his eyes my heart will break. I know I shouldn't be like that but this is a man I have shared the last 2yrs of my life with, doesn't matter that it was wrong, It still hurts me.

 

He loves you. He is going to be hurting. You will see pain in his eyes. He chose to work on his marriage though. So none of those other things are going to change the situation for you. All I am saying is that you need to focus on you. Chances are that he is going to give you 'that look'. Try to be prepared for it as best you can.

 

I know you are hurting. I just want you to start thinking about healing.

[fooled once]

The best thing you can do is to put up a wall and be purely professional.

 

He went back to his wife. Actions speak louder than words. If he did it so that he could give the marriage a try, then you are helping him fulfull his mission. If he did it because he feels the A was a mistake you are keeping your dignity. You win either way.

 

Unless he comes to you with D papers, there is really nothing more to say.

 

You are not his therapist, you are not his wife, his sister his mother his lover. You are someone who he has asked not to contact him while he works on his marriage. While its normal that you worry about someone you care about, you have to put you first right now. You wont know what he is thinking but you can work on your own healing when you are ready.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

 

Excellent advice!!

 

Please look out for your Hope ((hug)) I am worried about you and about you falling apart. Stay strong (as strong as you can) and let us know how it goes!

[2sunny]

I understand you think this is about him but it really is about me. I am worried he will give me 'that look' and I will fall to pieces in front of everyone.

 

If I knew he'd gone back to his W because he realised he'd never loved me blah,blah then I could just shut him out, give him the finger and be strong but if he looks at me with pain in his eyes my heart will break. I know I shouldn't be like that but this is a man I have shared the last 2yrs of my life with, doesn't matter that it was wrong, It still hurts me.

 

so don't allow him to get to you - by giving him NO REACTION at all! none. his actions tell you one thing clearly - he decided his M was the priority - whether he loved you or not, bottom line has been revealed.

 

btw, it's possible to love more than one person at the same time but for different reasons. doesn't necessarily mean we intend to spend the rest of our days with said person(s).

[whichwayisup]

I am worried he will give me 'that look' and I will fall to pieces in front of everyone.

 

You feel this way now, but I bet you won't. Last thing you want do is show him any emotion. Play poker! Put on your poker face and act like nothing is wrong. Let your ego and pride take over!