Married, Separated or Divorced?

[RedDevil66]

If he can't elope at the drop of the hat and have a shotgun wedding he is 100% not single!(not trying to marry you off again Carhill!)

Look up the meaning of single please, just because you lie to yourself does not change the actual meaning of the word. Single means unmarried, he is still married.

 

Glad you see the difference Carhill, all the best in your dating ventures. Can't wait to hear how it goes, times have a'changed that's for sure!

 

Meaning or no meaning. If someone is not in a relationship,to me, they are single.

 

And if someone you meet wants to elope so soon, then there is a red flag for ya ;-)

[2sunny]

I disagree, anyone who is not in a relationship is single.

 

not true at all... even if a man has single listed and he's previously been married, divorced whatever - he's no longer single. in my book - he's unwilling to admit to himself his previous ended marriage. these fine details of one's truth mean a LOT to me. divorced is just that... own it - to deny means they haven't reconciled their mind to get past it.

 

single (to me) means unmarried, much like a young guy who has yet to marry or an older guy who has NEVER married. big difference emotionally when someone interesting presents to a 50 year old potential date.

 

if you're soon to be divorced - state that... you can describe what that looks like in one or two sentences, just be sure not to go on and on about it all.

[InspiredbyYou]

Carhill: Do not share that with a new love interest, never tell a new woman you are jealous of ex's activities. That is for you to know and figure out, a new woman is not your "buddy" she is your romantic potential.

 

I would also seriously refrain from addressing her as the "stbx". Are you ready to move or not? she is your ex, even though the papers say otherwise, your mind says I have moved on. Trust me these things play a big role in a woman's subconscious even though she may ignore it at first.

[2sunny]

Meaning or no meaning. If someone is not in a relationship,to me, they are single.

 

And if someone you meet wants to elope so soon, then there is a red flag for ya ;-)

 

RD that is why you ended up settling to date a man that was in the throws of a separation. he was dishonest, you accepted his half truths... it causes pain - wouldn't you agree?

 

maybe if you consider readjusting your guideline for men you consider dating you will save yourself from the pain.

 

as it is, plenty of men present as being single or divorced - when, in fact, they are still securely married. weeding out the ones who show signs of still being connected to a previous relationship is key, a tighter boundary will ensure SOME hope for this.

[InspiredbyYou]

I'm not as rigid and would not look over an "awesome man" because he told some little white lie on a singles site.

Everyone tells little white lies.

 

 

Wow you really create your own meanings for things.

 

A white lie is "I listen to rock" when you mostly listen to classical but want to impress her on her musical tastes. Telling someone you are single when you are separated is a HUGE lie. Saying divorced when you are separated is pretty bad but saying single is flat out ridiculous.

[PinkToes]

Those silly check-off boxes are the real problem. Don't you hate that? They should add something like "separated with no-chance-in-hell of ever going back."

 

I have to admit I'd be fairly reluctant to get past the listing also, but your explanation of reality would definitely help. Better to be honest at the start though; someone who said they were divorced before it was final would be more of a red flag for me.

 

Good luck out there! I'd respond, if you were casting the net 3,000 miles out.

[Southern Belle]

Carhill,

I am joining the party late, but I agree with your decision with changing your status to seperated. It is the honest thing to do, which is always the best way.

 

Also, regarding the whole "single" moniker for marital status. I am recently divorced, and now consider myself to be a single person. A quick perusal of various web dictionary sites states a single person simply as someone who is not currently married.

 

Good luck with your online lady friend!!

[carhill]

BTW, the 'single' menu item was annotated '-never married'

 

I kept looking for the 'recycled virgin' selection but, alas, none was to be found

 

TBH, if there was any 'fear' in my initial decision, it was along the lines of what some posters have offered, that a man who is 'separated' is not an appropriate dating partner for themselves. Prior, I would've taken this personally but now I better understand the dynamics which drive compatibility and timing and completely respect that perspective. I could easily choose to wait until a year after my divorce is final to attempt to date and be considered by some of those very nice ladies; perhaps, inevitably, I will, or not. That's the difference now. I see the process much more clearly and accept it. Every choice has conseqences.

 

Thanks for the support!

[ordinary_girl]

 

I could easily choose to wait until a year after my divorce is final to attempt to date and be considered by some of those very nice ladies; perhaps, inevitably, I will, or not. That's the difference now. I see the process much more clearly and accept it. Every choice has conseqences.

 

 

Precisely. Hopefully you meet someone soon who gets this. She is the kind of woman you want I think.

[Southern Belle]

I could easily choose to wait until a year after my divorce is final to attempt to date

 

I don't know that you should feel that you have to abide by some societal based "mourning" period after your divorce becomes final. I am not even in the group that says that you should wait to date right now. You are seperated from your stbx, and seemed to have progressed emotionally from that relationship. I do believe that you should be honest with any woman that you meet regarding your current status, but if she is ok with things as they are, then great!! Each person has to make that decision for him or herself.

 

Again, I am recently divorced myself. Several men asked me out while I was seperated, but I did not accept. I did not feel that I could go against my marriage vows to my ex. I had emotionally left that relationship long ago, but felt that I had to remain faithful to my promise. I am extremely loyal in relationships, and felt that I had to stay true to that belief. But that was my decision, within my situation. Each person needs to make their own choices. Also, my state's mandatory waiting period is only 60 days, unsure about Cali's. I should probably let those guys know that I am single now, huh? Again, good luck!! And do not feel bad if you want to go out with this woman, please!!

[carhill]

In Cali, there is a waiting period of six months from the date of filing. To contest the suit, the respondent has 30 days from the date of filing. After that point, if uncontested, the petitioner can move for a summary and/or default judgment to be entered on the original suit. During that time, disclosure occurs and the parties settle out their financial and custody issues. As some have mentioned, divorce, legally, can take years, in contested cases or in uncontested cases where the parties bifurcate and don't settle out property/custody amicably.

 

No worries. I figured I had to post a first thread at some point, and found this subject to be both topical and relevant to my own circumstance. I'm as happy to entertain all perspectives as I will be to entertain the ladies I will meet. Life goes on

[Southern Belle]

Again, I think that it would be alright if you went ahead and entered the dating scene. Just make sure that any woman that you meet knows where you are at legally (you never know, they may want to go ahead and try dragging you down that aisle themself!! ).

 

You seem like a really nice man (and that's a very, very good thing!!), don't make them wait too long!!

[Mary3]

I too would steer clear of a profile that says seperated.

 

Why ? Because I feel I would get hurt .

 

Why arent they divorced ?

[carhill]

So, you want me to 'save' myself, eh?

[Southern Belle]

Life is too short......get out there and have fun!!

[SoulSearch_CO]

If I met a separated guy in person, not online, he might have a better chance because I could get a better read on him. I would still be super skeptical though.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I think you're going to have a rough go of it in OD, Carhill. Because I'm the same as D-Lish - I dismissed any guy I saw in OD that was listed as "separated." There's no way I would seek that out intentionally. But if I got to know the guy first in person, that changes the dynamics dramatically. My first instinct when you asked your question was to put "divorced." But I am also a big fan of being honest. Lying is a huge turn-off. So I guess you'll have to stick with "separated" and just explain it well. I seriously would almost explain it right on the profile. I honestly wouldn't even respond to a man that was listed as separated if he emailed me...unless I saw a good explanation of it on his profile. Because my first thought would be that separated COULD mean you could get back with your wife.

 

I'm a month shy of 30, btw. And I'm dating a separated, soon-to-be-divorced man of 43. We didn't meet on a dating site. And we didn't start talking to each other with the intention of dating, either. But I got to know him, first, before finding out his separated status - and before deciding I had an interest in dating him.

[2sunny]

So, you want me to 'save' myself, eh?

 

just go, be honest, be yourself. post a picture too or no one will respond. ahahahaha

 

your brain and emotional intellect is your biggest asset Car... i don't say that to anyone - ever... so take it as a compliment.

 

i admire you getting out there, some gal will be lucky. makes me think i should try harder too, i'm ready, just not making much effort in that arena.

[2sunny]

at least if you don't have a lot of responses we can blame it on the "separated" status! that's easier than any alternative...

[carhill]

just go, be honest, be yourself. post a picture too or no one will respond. ahahahaha

 

LOL, yeah, you know, that's how it was back when I was younger. Surprisingly, a few ladies my own age (who have pictures) have contacted me even without a picture. Since this isn't the 'big city', different dynamics are at work, IMO. We'll see. I'll put some pictures up this week and see who I can scare away.

[Sam Spade]

This is a bit of a treadjack, but this question really burns me - why, why, why is this divorce taking so long, especially if it is amicable (more than a year??)?

Another poster mentioned a divorce going on for 6 years:eek:. WTF?

 

TO the point of the particular question - I would stick with "divorced". The legal mumbo-jumbo notwithstanding, this relationship is over, so you can do whatever you want...

[carhill]

Hey Sam, thanks for that. An amicable divorce can take awhile when property (multiple homes, businesses, etc.) needs to be settled out legally and advantageously. You'll recall the recent near-death of the real estate market. This and other financial and business issues delayed some aspects of settlement. We chose not to bifurcate but rather to settle up front and then go through the normal divorce process which takes at least six months. I'm sure my stbx would have loved to been done with it long ago, but she wasn't the one losing assets, if you know what I mean. So, compromise.

 

Typically, people around here get 'divorced' right away, like in six months, and then fight about property and their children for years. My best friend's divorce took roughly three years and my female friend's took over six and her H still hasn't paid her the settlement, now 10 years after she filed.

 

I know I can 'do whatever I want' but I wanted to hear from the ladies how they perceive such matters. I think it's a good barometer of real world perspective. The ladies of my age group have likely been through a lot themselves and it affects their perspective. I've got time but I want to make good use of that time. Recent events have shown me how valuable that time is. Hey, it's Saturday...shouldn't you be out with your GF or something?

[b52s]

Hi Car,

 

I will disregard a profile that says separated. My perception of separated is the same as "unresolved issues" or "unfinished business".

 

I feel this way because before my own divorce was final, looking back, I realize it was a tumultuous time for me. I thought I'd been ready to date- but I was still a tad messy. So I fully admit to having pre-concieved notions when I see that status on a profile.

 

I am divorced, quite a few years out- and I list my status as being single, because that is what I am! However, I will tell someone immediately that I was married and divorced if I choose to strike up a convo with them.

I resent the label of divorcee- it's so 1950's.

 

I just assume men in my age group have been married before- so all I care about is that they are single "now".

 

I guess it's a tough spot for you- if you say divorced, it's a lie, if you say separated, it might deter some people from pursuing something with you, but you can't say single because you aren't divorced yet...I guess you could say "prefer not to say"...but that implies you are in a relationship:eek:

 

Right, and chances are if you date a separated person, they could wind up back in the arms reconciling witht he person and you have no say in it because...well, they're married!

 

And you wind up broken hearted.

[carhill]

My stbx and I (or the former spouse of any woman I might chose to date and herself) could 'reconcile' at any time, before *or* after the legal papers get that cool colored stamp from the court. All we've done at that point is resolved a legal lawsuit. Personally, I'd be more likely to shy away from a woman who is going/has gone through a long and contested divorce versus one who experienced an amicable one. I'd key in on how she talks about her former spouse. Those two factors tell me a lot about that aspect of compatibility.

 

Now, if like D, having the perspective of disregarding separated men, we'd never know each other, so no harm, no foul. Just bad timing.

Edited January 3, 2010 by carhill

[D-Lish]

My stbx and I (or the former spouse of any woman I might chose to date and herself) could 'reconcile' at any time, before *or* after the legal papers get that cool colored stamp from the court. All we've done at that point is resolved a legal lawsuit. Personally, I'd be more likely to shy away from a woman who is going/has gone through a long and contested divorce versus one who experienced an amicable one. I'd key in on how she talks about her former spouse. Those two factors tell me a lot about that aspect of compatibility.

 

Now, if like D, having the perspective of disregarding separated men, we'd never know each other, so no harm, no foul. Just bad timing.

 

Well I also discriminate based on age and religious values:lmao:

Actually, the first thing I look at on a profile in the picture, the second thing is age, the third is to make sure it says "non-religious". Then I will look at their relationship/children status.

 

When is your divorce finalized btw?

[carhill]

When is your divorce finalized btw?

 

Another four months. We're doing the financial accounting disclosures right now (FL 150, etc). Once completed, we'll do the waiver of final disclosure and move for default judgment and settlement. Nothing can happen legally, though all the papers can be filed prior, until the cooling off period ends. We can choose court hearing or judgment by mail. Either is essentially a rubber stamp of what we agreed to. With the mail choice, we essentially stipulate in writing to questions a judge would ask us in court.

 

I include the latter as a sign of what I'd look for in a woman going through the process. If I was hearing a calm recitation of events, that would encourage me; if she was calling her stbx names and cussing her lawyer and the 'stupid legal system', I'd be more inclined to pick up the check and never contact her again. Women obviously have their own criteria, which is why I'm here