How can I stop the divorce my wife wants?

[JLoves]

Overkill. How long are you going to be able to keep up the pace? Why the hay are you trying to win her over? She is the one that has done wrong, what has she been doing for you?

 

I agree with hopesndreams.

 

You are going backwards.. Ok, it's a nice thing to do, but the wrong thing to do. You need to get back together slowly. She needs to be taking you out to dinner.

 

This is no different to all the promises I gave my W of keeping the house immaculate, making dinners, doing everything. Impossible to maintain, so I set myself up to fail. When you fail, you get the 'I knew you couldn't keep your promise, I'm leaving, it's your fault' blame game all again.

 

Any respect you gained, is gone.

[tnttim]

The truth hurts and here it is. You just took a huge step back. What part of the book told you to jump back into it this quick. You are back under her thumb now. Its imperitive that you pull back ASAP. Look at it this way, you have a sample now she has to pay for the meal. You're setting yourself up for a huge fall. She has to take real steps towards repairing marriage. Instead of taking her out, go out by yourself. I know it feels great right now but you have to take it slow. I'm still living a day at a time and still dealing my mistrust of her.

[mikeymad]

tnttim, how long have you and the wife been separated? Could this homer technique work because of the unique dynamic between you and the W, or do you give IT all the props? I mean essentially it tells you to become a self-loving a**hole, and the proverbial "bad boy" attitude of not giving a flying f about anyone. Is that mainly to protect yourself, or to put on a front for the OP?

Sry to threadjack, but it might also give some insight.

[tnttim]

tnttim, how long have you and the wife been separated? Could this homer technique work because of the unique dynamic between you and the W, or do you give IT all the props?

It works for everyone who applies it correctly. It changes your attitude and thought process on the separation and life in general. Of course my wife and I have a unique bond, I think all married people have this bond at one point. The book helps you in changing the way you live your life. You become someone your wife needs. You learn the difference between a want and a need, we have very few needs. You learn to agree with her negativity, I still do. You learn to be more happy than before once you get it right, I'm half smiling right now. The book doesn't get all the credit, it's just a guide on how to do it.

 

I mean essentially it tells you to become a self-loving a**hole, and the proverbial "bad boy" attitude of not giving a flying f about anyone. Is that mainly to protect yourself, or to put on a front for the OP?

Far from the truth, you become the guy in the middle. I'll put it to you this way, because it's hard to say this without rambling. It's really easy to be the bad boy or good boy, it's an extreme. The hard part is skating the line between the 2, the homer boy. He cares so much he doesn't care. He is the rock your partner needs, because he is unwavering. He doesn't let life get to him, he puts his nose down and gets it done without whining. He is unpredictable, not to an extreme, just not in a habit of doing the same thing over and over. He's only serious when it counts, he's mostly light hearted and open.

 

My homer difference happened on d day, the day I exposed her A. I didn't fly off the handle, I was calm and confident. I explained that I know your having an affair, and I don't care what you do about it. I said she can live here as long as she wants, and all prior agreements were now set in stone. I told her 2/03/2010 would be 6 months separated and we could legally divorce uncontested then. She rambled on and on for an hour, I just agreed, I was the rock, and I said what I needed to say, that's it.

[NowhereToHide]

It works for everyone who applies it correctly. It changes your attitude and thought process on the separation and life in general. Of course my wife and I have a unique bond, I think all married people have this bond at one point. The book helps you in changing the way you live your life. You become someone your wife needs. You learn the difference between a want and a need, we have very few needs. You learn to agree with her negativity, I still do. You learn to be more happy than before once you get it right, I'm half smiling right now. The book doesn't get all the credit, it's just a guide on how to do it.

 

 

Far from the truth, you become the guy in the middle. I'll put it to you this way, because it's hard to say this without rambling. It's really easy to be the bad boy or good boy, it's an extreme. The hard part is skating the line between the 2, the homer boy. He cares so much he doesn't care. He is the rock your partner needs, because he is unwavering. He doesn't let life get to him, he puts his nose down and gets it done without whining. He is unpredictable, not to an extreme, just not in a habit of doing the same thing over and over. He's only serious when it counts, he's mostly light hearted and open.

 

My homer difference happened on d day, the day I exposed her A. I didn't fly off the handle, I was calm and confident. I explained that I know your having an affair, and I don't care what you do about it. I said she can live here as long as she wants, and all prior agreements were now set in stone. I told her 2/03/2010 would be 6 months separated and we could legally divorce uncontested then. She rambled on and on for an hour, I just agreed, I was the rock, and I said what I needed to say, that's it.

 

 

This sounds like nothing more than game-play how you describe it. You aren't being yourself. You are forever having to put on a mask to your wife in the hopes that you stay just distant from her enough for her to want you.

 

It's the opposite of genuine and quite frankly it sounds exhausting. I don't get it.

[NowhereToHide]

We talked a bit this morning, and she loosened up somewhat. She still wants to go thru the DivorceCare program at church, which I'm fine with as it's specifically designed to PREVENT divorce, and she wants to see a regular counselor too...which I'm ok with, because we both want to know how to prevent this from happening again...well, I know now-I'm just a few steps ahead of her right now, but she is giving it her all now to make this a solid marriage....she is reaching out more than ever...after our breakthrough chat yesterday, I surprised her with a candlelight dinner, with grilled filet mignon (it was below frzing outside)...that really scored points, then I scattered 2 dozen red roses in her car this morning; I haven't seen those big smiles on her in ages...I'm quite certain I can fully bring her back. She asked ME to go for dinner and a movie Friday...

 

Flight... take the advice you are getting here with a grain of salt. Please.

 

I would LOVE to have my husband do HALF of what you're doing. It would go a long way in showing that he wants the marriage.

[carhill]

I'll insert a gentle reminder that the wife is/was cheating on her husband. The wayward partner has a clear obligation to go the extra mile to repair the relationship, if it to be repaired. As a MM, that's what I did. The OP shouldn't be doing what I did if his wife is a cheater. His wife should be.

 

Here's the quote in the OP:

 

A month ago I discovered my wife was having an emotional text/email/phone affair with a married man with 2 kids...

[tnttim]

This sounds like nothing more than game-play how you describe it. You aren't being yourself. You are forever having to put on a mask to your wife in the hopes that you stay just distant from her enough for her to want you.

 

It's the opposite of genuine and quite frankly it sounds exhausting. I don't get it.

It's not a game it's getting them to live life without you there while you are still there. It's like a preview of life what life will be like while there is still a chance of a recon. Your showing them the bad side of the A, not telling them, the old actions speak louder than words. He wants to make his wife want him, how can you do that by being there all the time.

 

Flight... take the advice you are getting here with a grain of salt. Please.

I would LOVE to have my husband do HALF of what you're doing. It would go a long way in showing that he wants the marriage.

You just proved my point. Your husband isn't doing what you want and now you want him more. Sounds like Homer to me. Your husbands doing what I told Flight to do and you just affirmed that it's works with your above statement. The difference is Flight wants a recon, your husband doesn't.

[NowhereToHide]

It's not a game it's getting them to live life without you there while you are still there. It's like a preview of life what life will be like while there is still a chance of a recon. Your showing them the bad side of the A, not telling them, the old actions speak louder than words. He wants to make his wife want him, how can you do that by being there all the time.

 

 

You just proved my point. Your husband isn't doing what you want and now you want him more. Sounds like Homer to me. Your husbands doing what I told Flight to do and you just affirmed that it's works with your above statement. The difference is Flight wants a recon, your husband doesn't.

 

So interesting how you would take that post to reinforce your point. My H has been emotionally checked out for pretty much my entire marriage. This is nothing new. Does this behavior make me want him more? NO WAY. If anything it makes me want to get the hell out of dodge and find someone that can connect with me on a deeper level.

 

We have both agreed to marriage counseling. But I can tell you that if he suddenly started acting like you've suggested, I wouldn't even agree to counseling. I would take that as a sign that he is completely done and that MC is a waste of time.

[tnttim]

So interesting how you would take that post to reinforce your point. My H has been emotionally checked out for pretty much my entire marriage. This is nothing new. Does this behavior make me want him more? NO WAY. If anything it makes me want to get the hell out of dodge and find someone that can connect with me on a deeper level.

You are supposed to use it during the separation, not the reconciliation or marriage. I'm sorry your husband has ignored you. Do you know the old saying what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Why don't you try the Homer technique and see if it works, what have you got to lose. Go out and have fun without him, ignore his calls from time to time. Join a health club so when he comes your not there, and he panics a little. Make him miss you and wonder what your really doing. You can't do that by being available all the time to him.

[FlightLevel370]

Hey everyone,

 

The way I used the 180/Homer technique was to get my wife to come around and try to work on the marriage. Some of the research I have done shows that women get into affairs because the H or W isn't giving that person what they need. In my W's case, it was emotional stuff. She has a lack of feeling special right now, and that is why I did the dinner. The next day I pulled back a lot.

 

Last night, she came to me and said we needed to talk. She initiated it, I listened...this is one of the milestones in this crazy debacle, right? She said she has really noticed the positive changes in me (remember, always act happy), and how I seem to be ok with the prospect of a D (remember, push the D). She poured her heart out to me, apologizing for all the crap she has dragged me through. She explained how she got to where she is; it was due to the way we'd handle conflict, and I pushed her away...I have to agree with her on this because all of the "save your marriage" books seem to have been written about US. The books said this would happen, and it has.

 

The EA was something she wasn't seeking; she went to her friend's place of work and this guy started talking to her. When my wife would stop in to see her friend, this guy would come over and start hitting on her...It lasted 5 weeks, and went no further after I chewed that bastard out! Not a physical affair (I know, some of u won't believe that, but I do and that's that).

 

She told me how awesome I seem to her, I'm all she's wanted now, but because it's been so long since she's been in love with me, she's having a hard time getting that feeling back. She apologized profusely for ALL that has happened, and how it the right thing to do would have been to talk to me.

 

My FINAL obstacle now is to figure out how to get her to love me again, and STOP THE D!

 

On a side note, she invited ME to a fancy dinner and a movie tonight...I guess that's a start...

[tnttim]

I'm glad you are starting to get her to come around. Now to seal the deal you give a little and take it away. Continue to go out and be a little mysterious. Read the book called super sex... Something I can't think of the last word. It teaches you how to seduce a woman properly and it works. Its a combo of arrogance, humor and confidence. You also have to start playing fun drama causing games with her. It what I did with my W and it worked flawlessly. Just take it slow wait for her to initiate the moves towards making love and you got her.

[carhill]

OP, no prejudice here, but does she have a pretty tight-knit group of girlfriends? Some of this is starting to sound familiar.

 

IME, it's progress in actions over months and years which truly signals the results. Assign meaning as appropriate. Best wishes

[imagine]

I am so glad that communication is improving. Please check out what A Policy Of Joint Agreement and Radical honesty is for building your marriage (I see that you have already started this already).

 

Check out the Marriage Builder articles and give us a call!

[FlightLevel370]

She still is leaning towards the D because she doesn't know what else to do...she is having difficulty re-entering the marriage with love in her heart because it's been so long since she has felt love towards me...anybody here go thru this?...

[2sunny]

no - she's still leaning for D because she can with no consequences. she also knows she's got you eating out of the palm of her hand so now she doesn't think she actually wants you.

 

you jumped too far too fast. she's too comfortable. make her uncomfortable so she has to change in order to see a difference in your M.

 

she takes you and the M for granted - that's why it's not so attractive. serve her with D papers and have her move - let's see if that makes her a bit uncomfortable? it's what she keeps "leaning" toward, so show her what that looks like - she may get a bit more motivated to stop acting like a spoiled brat.

[hopesndreams]

no - she's still leaning for D because she can with no consequences. she also knows she's got you eating out of the palm of her hand so now she doesn't think she actually wants you.

 

you jumped too far too fast. she's too comfortable. make her uncomfortable so she has to change in order to see a difference in your M.

 

she takes you and the M for granted - that's why it's not so attractive. serve her with D papers and have her move - let's see if that makes her a bit uncomfortable? it's what she keeps "leaning" toward, so show her what that looks like - she may get a bit more motivated to stop acting like a spoiled brat.

 

Spot on.

 

You want this for short or long term?

 

The fact that she hasn't admitted to a physical should be a worry to you.

[tnttim]

Are you still pushing the D when she mentions it? I hope Homer didn't leave the building premature. Here's what I did, hope this helps.

 

When we went out on dates I made sure I got other woman's attention, and I tried to make any person we saw laugh. The waitress is an easy target here. I wasn't super a*s kissing nice, I was laid back about everything. Never sit across from her, always diaganolly or next to. I made all the decisions, where, when and how, nonstop my decision. She brought up the past and it wasn't a fun memory, I would say, "let's just worry about now and fun." You wanna treat these dates like your just having fun, and out for a good time. You initiate no physical contact at all, this is very important, she does all the work, because she's trying to win you over. I do a lot of self talk now and my favorite phrase is "this chick really wants me, but she has to wait and earn it." This also really works, just like Homer. You say it enough in your head and you start to see it, no doubt it's amazing. You'll start to see little clues she's trying to hide. So she's trying to hide body language, well be a body language expert. There are 1000's of body language books, read 1 of them. Then go out and pay attention to people, the airport is the best because you have almost every emotion playing out. Observe a group of people, try to figure out what they are talking about, and then move closer to hear conversation to affirm belief. Then when you interact with your wife, bam you'll know her basic feelings. Here's some to look for:

open palms=honesty, or open feelings

Back of hand, crossed arms=Dishonesty, or defensive

Looking up with eyes=Drawing on a memory

Looking down w/ eyes=Using imagination

Using barriers=Defensive

Open posture=Open, honest

Closed posture=Closed, defensive

Preening=She's attracted to someone, usually who just entered room

Hair flip, puckering, backwards glance, feet pointing at you=Attraction

Playing with shoe, opening legs wider, lifting chest=She wants it

Feet pointing away, little eye contact, pain in face=Not attracted

 

So now when you interact w/ her you can know when to deliver. Don't try to convince her if she has closed you off, wait til she opens up,literally, to convince her. You can also hand her something if her arms are crossed and that will start to open her up. If her friends come over, use the attraction techniques towards them. Face your body towards them, pick imaginery lint off your shirt when they enter the room, use more eye contact, look at her then quickly look away and then look at her again. If your wife asks about it you did your job, and all you say is "she doesn't hold a candle to you" remember be mysterious, the statements I use are very vague.

The reason for all of this is to increase your worth, she needs someone like you. She doesn't pity you, or think she has control of you. They will try so hard to keep control it's insane. I knew it was a game, so I just didn't play her game, she played mine instead. That's where the playful drama games come in, and if you tie the games to having sex, you completed the puzzle. Here's how it goes. You start with a silly statement, "dry lips are a turn off" She'll say "what do I have dry lips", you say "well you've had dry lips before right" she'll say "everybody has had dry lips" you say "I know aren't they such a turnoff" she say "I know you said that already" I'll say "If you have moist lips I'll let you see how good of a kisser I am." she'll say "in yours dreams" or something like that. Success, you just created playful drama. Now here's where the magic happens. For the next couple hours this conversation will roll inside her head, and play over and over. She'll think, but my lips are fine, or maybe not, yea there fine, but they could use some blistex, no there fine, yea I'm going to put on some they feel dry, it's dry in here too, my lips aren't dry though. This all happens in nanoseconds, but the point is you made an inner conflict with you at the focal point. She's thinking about you and trying to figure out how to change your mind about her lips. You can craft millions of playful drama games, just remember to keep it light.

Hope this helps, it's still an up hill battle but you'll get there as long as you left right left it up that incline.

[FlightLevel370]

Well tnttim,

 

she really seems like she is warming up to me. We did a dinner date last night at a Japanese Hibachi place, where they usually seat several people at one of those big tables where the chef does his show. I started chatting with a woman that was with us; not a lot, just friendly small talk. W started to give me those glances that u get while u r dating. Same thing at home. Even though we r not sleeping together right now, she makes it a point to say "good night" to me, and is always making REAL eye contact with me. I haven't abandoned any of the techniques I have learned from u, Homer, the 180, and everybody else here. I make it seem like I let her in a little, then I step back a little more...I feel if I don't oscillate, I will totally lose her respect for me, or I may just push her away permanently. These past couple of days seem to have gone pretty well. She told me again that her head is a whirlpool right now, that as we stand we still r getting a D, and I tell her I know, that I'm ready to do it, but let's not think about it now....let's just enjoy the evening

[Gunny376]

I've not read Homer (yet) but I would think now would be the time to "re-ignite" the pilot-heater as in "Light Her Fire"

 

It would seem to me that you got so wrapped in your career that you forgot the reason you were working for? (And I understand that it took a Hell of lot to get where your at!) I did the same! The Hardest Job in the Marines is being a Marines Wife!

 

Are you working to live or you living to work.

 

It takes a Hell of a lot to become a commercial airline pilot!

 

Its time for you to re-dedicate yourself to your wife and family ~ work to live and not live to work!

 

You've gotten your licences, your certification to fly XYZ!

 

Its time to come home!

 

Its time to come home!

 

Don't lose your wife and family ~ your children over a job!

 

An empty two bedroom apartment doesn't make a home?

 

An empty house doesn't make a home! An empty house isn't a home!

 

A good loving woman, childen, friends and family make a house a home!

[FlightLevel370]

I hear u Gunny, like I said in my last post, I'm still using some of the prescribed techniques, and believe it or not we just picked our puppy up from a breeder (something we put a deposit on over the summer). We got a lab retriever, and I know it's new, but it really seems to have brought our family together as we are all focused on each other, not tv, videogames, etc.

[tnttim]

Your doing great, just keep it up. Time will bring you closer and closer, and before you know it you'll be a success too. Gunny referred some books to read in a post on my thread, you should read them. They help you become more attractive to women by understanding the complex mind of a woman. That's your next step, understand and then dominate. Don't give in to her little sexual signals either, I did with my wife. It ended in sex and her crying that we're moving to fast. I slowed it down and kept the sexual tension building. Then after a date we had I'm happy to say she raped me. So my suggestion is to keep it slow, let things happen naturally. One more thing, always keep it in your mind that she has to come to you, she's the one who left, and it's up to her to build that bridge, not you. Good luck and I'm happy to see your success.

[FlightLevel370]

What r some of those books?...right now I'm doing "The Live Dare"...40-day challenge. I know some guys who've had success with it. I'm only on day 5, but I understand what the book does in opening the reader's eyes to what live is, and how the other person can take it for granted. It's a funny thing, when my wife came crying to me a few nights ago, she told me she started the Love Dare on me. I actually found her copy, she stopped at day 3 because she said I was too difficult...I know u guys don't know me, but looking at it from the outside, I understand where she was coming from...but she has no idea I'm doing it to her, along with some 180 and Homer mixed in

[Gunny376]

"The Five Languages Of Love"

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

 

"Romance 101"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"2001 Things To Do On A Date"

 

"Light Her Fire"

 

"How Can We Light A Fire When The Chrildren Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

"How To Satisfy A Woman Everytime and Have Her Beg For More!

 

"Absolute Pleasure"

 

"Erotic Massage"

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes"

 

"Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus"

 

"When Mars and Venus Collide"

 

"GenderSpeak"

 

"You Just Don't Understand!"

 

"Seduction"

 

"LifeMates"

 

"The Two Minute Lover"

 

"Loving Each Other"

 

"Lovenotes"

 

"Loving Each Other"

 

"Coupleship"

 

"Divorcebusting"

 

"How To Control Your Woman, Understand Her"

[FlightLevel370]

Day 5 of "the Love Dare" is to ask ur spouse 3 things that irritate her or make her uncomfortable around u. She had a ton of stuff to say before our marriage exploded, but after that she has only one thing: she wants to know if my new behavior will last, since I've only been doing it faithfully for almost 2 weeks. I know it's hard work, just like u guys said, but at the end of the day, my family is worth it, just like Gunny and tnttim said. Then I threw in some 180 and told her that I'm positive we r divorcing, even after we r done seeing a real marriage counselor (not the church). I reiterated that it's not what I prefer, but I accept it and am ready to go thru with it. I said all I've learned in this situation will be applied to my future relationships. Her response: don't think about that, let's just concentrate on this one....