How can I stop the divorce my wife wants?

[FlightLevel370]

It was my idea to go to the church...some of my friends went to normal counseling and said their counselors weren't good...I figured the church would care more...the female my wife dealt with used to b a counselor, but no longer practices; only for the church....

 

I was looking at Homer Macdonald's site again; can anyone tell me the 3 sentences that guarantee to chg your spouse's heart?

[FlightLevel370]

I was assuming he is out of the picture hopes...

 

I think he is...then the other half of me says to mail copies of the emails of the A to OM's wife...it would end everything if there is still something going on...2 wks after I found out about the A I forwarded them into a new acct I made...my wife askedme twice to delete them, which I thought was suspicious. I deleted them out of my old acct after they were forwarded to my new acct. She said it would make the healing process easier for me, but I began to wonder if the OM was worried I'd do something with them....on the otherhand, if I do rattle the cage and send them now, I know my wife will b pissed and possibly serve me papers instantly!

[tnttim]

Take my advice and move on. If you want her back, then you have to forget about the past, including the affair. Be single man and take your wifes breath away. I guarentee 100% she will come running back to you. Scrap the weak ass attempts of saving a dead marriage. You have to actually start all over again with her. You have to be the man she originally fell in love with. That's the focus I took, I thought back to the 21 year old me, then I became him again. The 2nd date me and my W went on she came up to me outside and bit my lip, and she said "I missed you for so long" The crazy thing was I was there the whole time, but my persona was different. I became the man she wanted, I mean needed. The quicker you can get there mentally, the better your chances of a recon. Remember we all f*ck up and break a rule we made for ourselves, brush it off and move on. Good luck, I know you can do it.

[FlightLevel370]

Hey tnttim,

 

Thanks for the encouragement...I know u read Homers book...what were his 3 sentences to win the spouse back, do u remember?

[carhill]

OP, my sympathies. I fly a fair amount and talk with pilots frequently. It's tough out there.

 

Here's a thread started by someone whom I think you should read more from as your time allows. He went through what you're going through and recovered his M and has helped others here on LS as well.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140226/

 

Having been a WS in an EA, I can support the perspective of the EA ending before meaningful work on the M taking place. The M has to be the priority for both partners or else it is fail. No waffling. Owl can report from the success side of the ledger; myself from the fail side. Both are meaningful.

 

Best wishes and safe travels

[tnttim]

I think he is...then the other half of me says to mail copies of the emails of the A to OM's wife...it would end everything if there is still something going on...2 wks after I found out about the A I forwarded them into a new acct I made...my wife askedme twice to delete them, which I thought was suspicious. I deleted them out of my old acct after they were forwarded to my new acct. She said it would make the healing process easier for me, but I began to wonder if the OM was worried I'd do something with them....on the otherhand, if I do rattle the cage and send them now, I know my wife will b pissed and possibly serve me papers instantly!

 

Besides vengence, what do you really gain. F*ck the OM, he's a weasal ass douche bag cheating lying loser, he will self destruct without your intervention. MOVE ON, or you lose, plain and simple.

[2sunny]

I just lookedat the cell records and I was the only one she called at midnight on New Years...then she texted me...twice...the only other person she texted was her bitch friend who I strongly believe is orchestrating this whole thing....they've known each other for 6 months and call/text each other CONSTANTLY....my wife has pretty much alienated all of her "good" friends....

 

 

 

i wouldn't rule out an A with a woman. it has happened here many times before. the person you're not looking for now isn't female - it may be the perfect cover. since she only texted her at midnight - this does tell you something... check into any and ALL possibilities.

 

 

I was assuming he is out of the picture hopes...

 

don't assume. assuming these things is deadly. the cover up may just be better, greater.

 

 

I think he is...then the other half of me says to mail copies of the emails of the A to OM's wife...it would end everything if there is still something going on...2 wks after I found out about the A I forwarded them into a new acct I made...my wife askedme twice to delete them, which I thought was suspicious. I deleted them out of my old acct after they were forwarded to my new acct. She said it would make the healing process easier for me, but I began to wonder if the OM was worried I'd do something with them....on the otherhand, if I do rattle the cage and send them now, I know my wife will b pissed and possibly serve me papers instantly!

 

 

i would go for exposure. the truth about the situation should help to understand what may actually be happening here - instead of what you BELIEVE is happening. either way, who cares if she gets pissed? she created the situation - why wasn't SHE thinking of HER consequences when she got involved? it is HER doing... and she should BE willing to own her behavior, good, bad or indifferent. so what if she's ashamed? she should have thought of that before!

 

you will never know what other info may be out there if you are unwilling to find out more - and that involves a conversation with the OM's wife.

 

also, has she ever invited her female friend to come over so you could be around the two of them together? or is she a secret too?

[tnttim]

Hey tnttim,

 

Thanks for the encouragement...I know u read Homers book...what were his 3 sentences to win the spouse back, do u remember?

 

something like

 

Honey I agree with you the marriage is over. There is no reason to try to fix what can't be fixed. I'll help you find a new place to live.

 

something to that effect, yes it works.

[tnttim]

i would go for exposure. the truth about the situation should help to understand what may actually be happening here - instead of what you BELIEVE is happening. either way, who cares if she gets pissed? she created the situation - why wasn't SHE thinking of HER consequences when she got involved? it is HER doing... and she should BE willing to own her behavior, good, bad or indifferent. so what if she's ashamed? she should have thought of that before!

 

When I exposed my wife, I acted like everything was perfectly fine with me. I didn't fly off the handle, or get jealous. I guess I played it over and over in my head for so long that I wasn't surprised when I found out. I actually told her "I understand why your with him, and I'm fine with it, you can stay here as long as you need. At least now you don't have to lie about it, or run around behind my back." Her expression was akin to a deer in a 1000 headlights. Thanks Homer.

[FlightLevel370]

Tnttim,

 

I was just wondering; u went on dates with your wife, but didn't u say on pg 1 of this thread to not do that?...or were the dates after she started coming around?

 

As for her girlfriend, I've wondered about the female affair...they easily text each other 80+ times a day, and talk for lengthy periods...she bought my wife a ton of stuff for Xmas...but how do I find out if there's an A between them?

[2sunny]

When I exposed my wife, I acted like everything was perfectly fine with me. I didn't fly off the handle, or get jealous. I guess I played it over and over in my head for so long that I wasn't surprised when I found out. I actually told her "I understand why your with him, and I'm fine with it, you can stay here as long as you need. At least now you don't have to lie about it, or run around behind my back." Her expression was akin to a deer in a 1000 headlights. Thanks Homer.

 

when my xH called on the way home from his weekend away with his MOW - i stated in a calm and cool voice "don't bother coming home, the locks have been changed."

 

that was all i needed to say...

[2sunny]

Tnttim,

 

I was just wondering; u went on dates with your wife, but didn't u say on pg 1 of this thread to not do that?...or were the dates after she started coming around?

 

As for her girlfriend, I've wondered about the female affair...they easily text each other 80+ times a day, and talk for lengthy periods...she bought my wife a ton of stuff for Xmas...but how do I find out if there's an A between them?

 

make an effort to find the evidence - the evidence that there is definitely an A - or the evidence that there definitely isn't an A. don't rule anything out, assume nothing.

[carhill]

Also, wrt the girlfriend, beware of projection and enabling behaviors. This is the cheerleader concept, where the girlfriend(s) project their own experiences onto the M in question and 'cheerlead' the WW in her behaviors, validating her perspective. If the spouse (WS or not) prioritizes the same-sex relationship over the M, then that is considered to be inappropriate, just as the A is inappropriate. Gender is irrelevant to that dynamic.

 

The recovery imperative is to resolve outside influences and re-prioritize the M. Otherwise, file the papers, cool off and settle out. That works too.

[tnttim]

Tnttim,

 

I was just wondering; u went on dates with your wife, but didn't u say on pg 1 of this thread to not do that?...or were the dates after she started coming around?

 

She asked me out, actually invited herself on the 2nd one. This all happened well after I went Homer on her a*s. After I had the affair talk with her, and said I was okay. I had to establish the new me first. You see the one thing you have over the OM/OW is the good memories together, the times when it was great between you 2. The kicker is, you have to emulate those good times, not say them. If you bring up the good times now it will backfire, if you ask her out, it will not work. The first thing you need to do is become a caterpillar, then a cacoon, then a butterfly. Then she will want you back, can't skip a step or rush it. So start now. I have developed a strategdy for this, I pieced together a lot of books and came up with a good plan.

[tnttim]

Also, wrt the girlfriend, beware of projection and enabling behaviors. This is the cheerleader concept, where the girlfriend(s) project their own experiences onto the M in question and 'cheerlead' the WW in her behaviors, validating her perspective. If the spouse (WS or not) prioritizes the same-sex relationship over the M, then that is considered to be inappropriate, just as the A is inappropriate. Gender is irrelevant to that dynamic.

 

The recovery imperative is to resolve outside influences and re-prioritize the M. Otherwise, file the papers, cool off and settle out. That works too.

 

Her girlfriend is the enabler in this situation, she gives her the support she needs to justify the affair. The best way to bring down a house is destroy the foundation. Try to be extra nice to her friend, borderline hitting on her. Talk to her friend as much as you can, establish a good report with her. When all 3 of you are together, turn your body and feet towards her girlfriend, and fall on every word she says. This will create an uneasiness in your W, and she will actually think you are more interested in her GF. This will create tension between them, and an inner fight will develop. She'll think her GF is moving in on her man, uh oh. Now when her GF says something bad about you, she'll think she has a alterior motive, the GF wants you. Destroy her foundation and the house will fall soon after. Don't attack the GF to your wife ever, create and establish that tension and watch in amazement as it self destructs all on its on.

[FlightLevel370]

Her girlfriend is the enabler in this situation, she gives her the support she needs to justify the affair. The best way to bring down a house is destroy the foundation. Try to be extra nice to her friend, borderline hitting on her. Talk to her friend as much as you can, establish a good report with her. When all 3 of you are together, turn your body and feet towards her girlfriend, and fall on every word she says. This will create an uneasiness in your W, and she will actually think you are more interested in her GF. This will create tension between them, and an inner fight will develop. She'll think her GF is moving in on her man, uh oh. Now when her GF says something bad about you, she'll think she has a alterior motive, the GF wants you. Destroy her foundation and the house will fall soon after. Don't attack the GF to your wife ever, create and establish that tension and watch in amazement as it self destructs all on its on.

 

Great advice, but it's too late; W's GF hates me since I accused her of the EA with the OM, as the OM works with the GF.....so I'm screwed here...W doesn't talk to ANYBODY else about our M prob...except her mother...who has stated she will support W's decision regardless, however W has indicated to me that her mom is against the D.

[RedDevil66]

As unnatural as the 180 treatment seems, I am worried that she will think I'm completely blowing her off and solidify her decision...

 

You know what? This is exactly what's happening.

 

I never heard of this homer treatment until this thread and realized, this is what my BF is doing to me. Someone must have given him this advice and yes, this may work on 18 yr old girls, but not on grown women.

 

My BF goes out of his way to show me how little he cares and blows me off. He has me convinced I mean nothing to him so you know what I'm doing? I have an apointment with a therapist on Monday to work with her on leaving him for good.

 

My BF and I were in a couples group and he would say "we can go or not go, whatever" and show me he really could not care either way if he went or not.

So I called his bluff just today and left him. He was totally TOTALLY cool with me leaving.

I told him I'm never coming back and he was like "cool"

 

We've been together 4 yrs and are in our mid 40's and he's playing this stupid little homer head game! ugh!

 

My advice, stop playing this game or you will lose her for good.

She does sound like she has a ton of resentment towards you and wants out more to make you hurt than wanting out.

This is what I'm doing now to my BF. I want to show him he can't mess with my emotions anymore.

 

Your best bet is to just work on yourself. Go to the church therapy and talk about YOU and not her or the relationship.

 

If you really want her back, just show her she is worthy.

[FlightLevel370]

Yeah, I see both arguments...I just spoke with her a few minutes ago; I have to talk to my kids....I told her I had a good time at a party I really didn't go to, she sounded a little bummed out as she was at home alone...today, she sounded like she wanted to keep talking, but I told her I had to run...I know her; she will want to have a real talk when I get home on Monday...I'll listen...

[2sunny]

NOT acknowledging every time she looks your way will be helpful for her to become motivated to make an effort or not...

 

to continue on with the same scene as you were giving before is just going to drive her further away. the more you push her - the more she'll run away.

 

just stay neutral for a while and see how much she may decide to make some effort for the M - if she ultimately doesn't, then you have your answer. her actions - or lack of - will tell you everything you need to know.

[Darth Vader]

Valid point...maybe because this was all news to me, but she acted like everything was good....the kids are devastated cuz they never saw it coming either....I still love her, her response was "I know" or that she was no longer in love with me...I guess I'm clinging to the hope that I can change her mind before divorcing....I know our families r onboard with this....the problem is she's been hanging with a new group of women that seem to b instigating this....my wife is 38, her friends are 40-43...I think it may be MLC and/or early menopause....her mom started at age 38....

 

She probably did sleep with him. These are all factors that can lead to affairs.

 

 

 

Yeah, I do still love her...she said she wanted out 3 yrs ago, then 18 mos ago she met with a lawyer to c about a divorce....but decided not to for the kids and I....she says she's noticed the positive chgs in me over the last month...but claims it's too late....

 

I've read how powerful the emotional affairs can b...but I still think it's workable...I know, sounds dumb. If I was sure she slept with this guy I'd b gone, but she's kinda religious (believe it or not) and I made her swear on the Bible and our kids' lives that it was nothing more than that....I don't think she wouldve done that and lied...

 

There's another guy here in loveshack who did this, his wife cheated on him big time, lied about it, and had a child by another man! Don't believe her!

[FlightLevel370]

I know she's not pregnant...she just had her period

[Darth Vader]

I know she's not pregnant...she just had her period

 

 

OK, I really didn't need that piece of info. Anyway, I was talking about someone else on here.

[FlightLevel370]

OK, I really didn't need that piece of info. Anyway, I was talking about someone else on here.

 

 

Sorry...I will admit it feels good to laugh though!

[2sunny]

as far as communicating for the kids sake - why not deal with the 9 year old directly? if not, can text work instead of voice contact - as limited as you can be with her - the better she'll get the message that things have changed.

 

the point is to make her uncomfortable - so that she feels the difference and may become motivated to make movement on her side. the more comfortable you make her - the more reason she doesn't need to change.

[HappyAgain]

You know what? This is exactly what's happening.

 

I never heard of this homer treatment until this thread and realized, this is what my BF is doing to me. Someone must have given him this advice and yes, this may work on 18 yr old girls, but not on grown women.

 

My BF goes out of his way to show me how little he cares and blows me off. He has me convinced I mean nothing to him so you know what I'm doing? I have an apointment with a therapist on Monday to work with her on leaving him for good.

 

My BF and I were in a couples group and he would say "we can go or not go, whatever" and show me he really could not care either way if he went or not.

So I called his bluff just today and left him. He was totally TOTALLY cool with me leaving.

I told him I'm never coming back and he was like "cool"

 

We've been together 4 yrs and are in our mid 40's and he's playing this stupid little homer head game! ugh!

 

My advice, stop playing this game or you will lose her for good.

She does sound like she has a ton of resentment towards you and wants out more to make you hurt than wanting out.

This is what I'm doing now to my BF. I want to show him he can't mess with my emotions anymore.

 

Your best bet is to just work on yourself. Go to the church therapy and talk about YOU and not her or the relationship.

 

If you really want her back, just show her she is worthy.

 

 

I can only reiterate what RedDevil already said. These games may work for an 18 year-old. My ex ignored me and was cold towards me after our breakup. Whether he meant it or was playing games was immaterial. At 40, you know what, I walked away, filed for divorce, and never looked back!

 

Most advice on this board is good when it comes to NC if you are truly over and need to heal but if you still love someone and it's just pride on both your parts keeping you apart please don't play these childish games. You most likely will not "win" anything.