2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 stop calling her everyday. no need to call her when you're away... only text once a day if you're home. you're constant contact is pushing her further away. if she needs something - she'll call. she has stated very clearly that she's checked out of the M and you look like you're pushing her too hard. back off. if i were her - you would be bugging the crap out of me. give her space - meanwhile go do your thing. stay busy, read, take a class etc. if she's checked out - you need to show her what uncomfortable looks like so she gets a bit motivated to consider other options. if she's truly interested in another OM/OW now - there is nothing you can do to change her mind while she's in this fog, except take away her comfort zone... and quickly... part of this might involve LC/NC and minimal money. maybe consider asking her to move - since she wants away from you - make sure she gets what she asks for. and stop talking to her endless amounts! every time you reach out with your big heart she's laughing at how she has the opportunity to stomp on it... you are making it easy for her to walk all over you, DON'T.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 some folks are suggesting going on a date - don't. it's not fair to the M (yet) and it's not fair to who you may date since emotionally you are still connected to your W and unavailable emotionally to other gals.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 thanks guys...like I said I only call home once a day to talk with the kids. She gets on a talks about whatever...I'm polite about it, I say a positive thing or two, andif she asks about my job I'll tell her where I'm going, and how cool that city is and how I'm looking forward to going....then I close the conversation up...like I said, I'm notcalling her today...tomorrow a.m. for the kids....then nothing til I get home Monday afternoon... But what if she wants to have a heart to heart when I get home?
tnttim Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I have been thinking of what I might say if I encounter the serious chat when I get home...at some point, I was thinking of saying: "I know how I didn't live up to the love and cherish part of our marriage vows, and I accept and understand that we r divorcing. The unfortunate experiences in our past serve as valuable lessons for my future relationships". I figures with that, it doesn't offend her, yet shows that I am positive about the future, and accepting and for the divorce...I'm 37...W is 38...so I'm taking into consideration what is being said about the effectiveness of the 180 on different age groups... Your saying to your wife sounds good, but don't be so specific. Instead of "I know I didn't live up to the love and cherish part of our marriage vows." Say "I understand why our marriage broke down" Your saying makes it seem like it's your fault, where as mine says both of us caused this. By being vague you are leaving it up to her to think about it. "The unfortunate experiences in our past serve as valuable lessons for my future relationships." Scrap that and end it, short and sweet. Then go out and get the papers for filing a divorce, there's like 10 of them, from the courthouse. Start filling them out and let her see you doing it. When she confronts you about it, stay happy and positive. If you can make this hard and crucial step you will see an instant turn around in her. She will start to doubt her feelings about the divorce, she might even say it right away, my wife sure in the hell did. I could see her little fairytale world crash right before my eyes, it was day 1 for me, I never looked back or doubted Homer after that day. Try it out and then come back and tell me I'm wrong, I dare you The day was Novemer 3rd by the way.
tnttim Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 some folks are suggesting going on a date - don't. it's not fair to the M (yet) and it's not fair to who you may date since emotionally you are still connected to your W and unavailable emotionally to other gals. No disrespect Sunny, but that idea didn't work when you suggested it to me months ago. Yes you should go out on dates, your wife sure in the hell is going on plenty.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 As for the $$$ issue; I usually give her a couple hundred bucks a week...the last time I did that was 12/17....I'm away on a 6-day stretch...I wanted her to see what being a single mom was like with no cash...remember...I cxld her ATM card to our joint acct, but she has her own with some $ in it.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 thanks guys...like I said I only call home once a day to talk with the kids. She gets on a talks about whatever...I'm polite about it, I say a positive thing or two, andif she asks about my job I'll tell her where I'm going, and how cool that city is and how I'm looking forward to going....then I close the conversation up...like I said, I'm notcalling her today...tomorrow a.m. for the kids....then nothing til I get home Monday afternoon... But what if she wants to have a heart to heart when I get home? this is exactly why i'm saying to shut down the daily talks. you keep her in her comfort zone - which is a really bad idea. if there is an emergency she can text... otherwise tell her no more access to mr nice guy. no need to know your whereabouts, no need to give in every time she needs reassurance that she's done the right thing by reeling you back in for a "talk." NO talks... not until SHE changes her actions and her mind and shows proof. otherwise you are just stroking her ego everyday and keeping her nice and confy to be away from you. get the 9 year old his own pay as you go phone... that solves all of it. IF she gets on to talk - tell her "I NEED TO HANG UP!!!!" don't let her manipulate your healing and need to keep her at arms length while she plays around. keep looking for the affair person - it may be that woman... also tell her previously OM's wife... exposure will force changes she needs to face now. you're just being too nice! seriously - get busy being real about what is happening here - she's got you snowed.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Your saying to your wife sounds good, but don't be so specific. Instead of "I know I didn't live up to the love and cherish part of our marriage vows." Say "I understand why our marriage broke down" Your saying makes it seem like it's your fault, where as mine says both of us caused this. By being vague you are leaving it up to her to think about it. "The unfortunate experiences in our past serve as valuable lessons for my future relationships." Scrap that and end it, short and sweet. Then go out and get the papers for filing a divorce, there's like 10 of them, from the courthouse. Start filling them out and let her see you doing it. When she confronts you about it, stay happy and positive. If you can make this hard and crucial step you will see an instant turn around in her. She will start to doubt her feelings about the divorce, she might even say it right away, my wife sure in the hell did. I could see her little fairytale world crash right before my eyes, it was day 1 for me, I never looked back or doubted Homer after that day. Try it out and then come back and tell me I'm wrong, I dare you The day was Novemer 3rd by the way. Before she made her final decision to divorce, she freaked out everytime I suggested it....I'm just scared if I try your tactic that she will say "ok"! And go thru with it too.
imagine Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Please check out the Marriage Builders site and read "Why a woman leaves a man" So far you are told that she misses you and it seems that you are aggravating the situation. Your marriage can be restored. Show that you want to. But you may have to make big decisions at this stage. Your wife has fallen out of love with you and this can be restored. You need to do the things that you did when you first met. Restore here trust. Fight for your marriage and expose any infidelity at the same time. Can you do this. If yes, ask your work time off to solve your domestic problems.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I went to the site....great info, but now what do I do?
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I'd love to mail the OM's wife the emails I found...but I know that'll keep my wife from reconciling with me!...on the flip side, trying to talk with her hasn't helped either. See why I'm lost?
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I'd love to mail the OM's wife the emails I found...but I know that'll keep my wife from reconciling with me!...on the flip side, trying to talk with her hasn't helped either. See why I'm lost? no it won't keep her from reconciling. it will force movement from the other side tho. it will make her uncomfortable - which is the idea. since she displayed this behavior - what's wrong with putting it out there, maybe she's embarrassed? poor baby... when she's forced to own her bad behavior for what it is instead of pretending it is something other than $hitty - she may be forced to realize what a skank she's been behaving. when the actual true comes to the forefront - you'll be able to tell - you're not there yet... she's still perfectly fine to go on fooling you and using you for what she needs for now. pull the rug out - and see what's underneath. when you find the truth - you'll know it by her reaction - i guarantee it.
bestplayer Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 We had the heart-to-heart on Tuesday night...she told me it sucks that I didn't realize what I had til she was gone. I agreed. But she told me point blank that she doesn't have it in her to even try to fix it... Shesaid her heart was broken in so many small pieces that it's be impossible to rebuild it. The times that I clammed up in arguments (we didn't argue ALL of the time) had hardened her heart towards me. I'm feeling she will want to have another talk when I get home Monday, but I won't initiate it. I'm kinda having a rough day today: myhoroscope (aquarius) says there r big chgs for me in 2010...my wife's (Scorpio) talks about re-engaging her affair....this is from www.horoscope.com Then again, it could all be coincidence too right? That's y I started thinking she reactivated facebook, so she can PM the OM. I'd never see it since she chgs her password...and she could chg my status to only view a ltd profile on her.... well yea I was thinking that u might have already had this kind of discussion with her & she had told u that she does not want fix it . actually it sounds funny , It was she who had an affair & its u who wants to be forgiven . so now I think as others on this thread have advised , she needs to be told that u r getting rid of her for good , ur heart is hardened towards her , & u can't waste even a second of ur life thinking about her . trust me FlightLevel370 , its now about self-respect . from her behaviour right now she does not seem to be having any respect fo,r u so can u expect her to love u with this mental state ? if there is any possibility of her coming back to u , it is only when u get rid of her . pls call her , let her know that she was right It is over & u wish her only the best for her future life . I really hope that u can do this for your self-esteem. best of lucck
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Sunny, u don't think this will piss her off to the point of throwing me out?...she asked me to delete them awhile back, but I hid them in a new email acct...she didn't give me much of a reaction when I told her I'd deleted them, other than now I'll b able to start my healing process...the OM also is married with 2 kids...I can't see him leaving his wife for mine...
bestplayer Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Do this and your done. She doesn't want to fix the marriage, it's dead. This is the part where most fail to see the obvious. You have to start all over with her, from day 1. You have to establish the new you first of all, and having a serious talk now will jeopardize that. You will come off as weak and needy, and you are not, right? Remember what i said about advice on here. great advise tnttim I completely agree
hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Don't tell her it's over. She needs to do that. Why make it easy for her? Do the 180. Explanation time, on your part, is over. It's now her turn.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Sunny, u don't think this will piss her off to the point of throwing me out?...she asked me to delete them awhile back, but I hid them in a new email acct...she didn't give me much of a reaction when I told her I'd deleted them, other than now I'll b able to start my healing process...the OM also is married with 2 kids...I can't see him leaving his wife for mine... who cares? YOU should be throwing HER out!!!!!!! the fact that you are trying so hard to not hurt HER feelings is backwards. if she intended to do the right thing - SHE would be worried about NOT hurting YOUR feelings further, but to repair the damage SHE has caused! but she's NOT! she's asking you to help cover up for her and you're going along with her nice little plan. how good of you... YOU are adding fuel to the fire by NOT calling her on her crappy behavior. love her or not - her BEHAVIOR is less than appealing and says she'll use you for whatever YOU'LL allow! the questions really is... HOW MUCH ARE YOU GOING TO ALLOW? she will rob you of your soul if you let her - is that what you really want? make it STOP!
Brightmoon Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Flight I wish she could see how much you want this and how hard you are trying... I can't offer advice.. but I am rooting for you.. Wishing you all the best.....
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 when she starts making MORE effort by her actions than you - that is when things will change. step away and force her to consider what she has created - and that her inability to connect/reconnect with you has dire consequences. otherwise you are letting her think that you are willing to settle for her crumbs and that is enough... which it should not be.
Darth Vader Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Sunny, u don't think this will piss her off to the point of throwing me out?...she asked me to delete them awhile back, but I hid them in a new email acct...she didn't give me much of a reaction when I told her I'd deleted them, other than now I'll b able to start my healing process...the OM also is married with 2 kids...I can't see him leaving his wife for mine... You should've already exposed the affair to the OM's wife, she needs to know. Exposure is the quickest way to kill an affair. Expose, expose, expose. Does your family know, does hers? You shouldn't be the one to leave, she leaves, she cheated, she goes!
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Don't tell her it's over. She needs to do that. Why make it easy for her? Do the 180. Explanation time, on your part, is over. It's now her turn. She told me Monday night that she was sure it is over...she doesn't have it in her to try to fix this...
2sunny Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 She told me Monday night that she was sure it is over...she doesn't have it in her to try to fix this... it's done - so why are you willing to spare her when her truth about this situation is what will set everything into motion? a motion she knew was inevitable once she got involved with another man's marriage. the wife should know - soley based on the truth - and then decide if she wants to work on her marriage knowing that her H cheated. you are only carrying the message of truth to a woman that deserves to know. your wife forfeited that right when she became involved with her H. if i were the W - i would want someone to tell me so that I could make a decision in the best interest of my situation. how could i do that if i didn't have what the truth is?
Gunny376 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Its did, done and over with! Time to go DefCon 4. Download the e-mails to the OM's wife. Hire an attorney before telling the wife. Sue for everything ~ leave her despot ~ she gets noting from the marriage. Its "Scorch Earth" policy. The Facebook and "Girls Night Out" ~ she's either having an affair or she's looking for one. And IMHO? She's looking for one! A woman walks out on me? It'll be the first and last time! Once I hear the "click" of the door? There won't be any coming back! Not even one second later! You can bet that!
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Problem is NJ is a no fault state. It doesn't matter what happened in the marriage, everything is split 50/50...we talked of mediation to keep the cost down. In all honesty, today I feel like I don't want her back because I think she's too f'ed in the head, from what I've been experiencing lately. She made no effort to call me today...and I didn't call her. I think I'll call home in the am and of a msg, knowing she isn't there, and just come home on Monday....but I will b speaking to a lawyer Monday afternoon... I think she's very mentally unstable right now, and doesn't know what she wants....but I'm getting more and more turned off by her.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 This is so much more complicated since we have a 9-yr old and a 5-yr old
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