Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I'm sorry, this does not make every woman happy. I'd rather have date nights, I'd rather drive a 10yr old car, I'd rather my children go to public school and we invest more time with them, I'd rather travel to a public park with my family, and spend six hours of quality time in the car driving to see my family. And spend 20 hours a week working for my spending money. All for my H to spend more time with me. You cannot buy time. ..... She would never tell if she were physical with that man. Yup! Spot on.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 As for the pvt school...yeah, I'd love to keep my kids there...one of the big sacrifices was taking them out of thepublic system (cuz it sux where we live). But I have told her, that should we split, neither of us will b able to pay for it. There isn't much equity in the house. After a divorce, we will both b in bigger debt than we r now... Yes, I see what you mean now Flight.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I may be completely wrong or out of order to say this, but you are obviously a good and conscientious provider. That is very important to you. And to her too up to a point. I am sure you love her Flight, but I have to say, I have read an awful lot of threads on here where one partner wants to keep the other form leaving or to get them back and almost ALWAYS they say how much they love the partner who is leaving/left. I don't see that here. I know you said you do love her.. but perhaps you do have trouble expressing your love for her.. You have routines, you provide, but what about warmth and affection..? I apologise if I am way off the mark.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 well ladies, now that I have your attention, how would u have liked to see your H fix the mess I created?...I think I should just continue the 180 as she had overly stated it's too late to turn this around...that was as of Tuesday nite...here it is Friday, New Years Day...she sounds very cheery when I checked in via phone to talk to the kids (I was on a 2-day trip that ended last night, and start a 4-day trip this afternoon; currently at my parents house near the airport). The times we talk on the phone she seems to want to talk my ear off, I'll listen, but i don't ask her anything about her...just the kids. I agree with whatever she tell me about her, offer her a little "yeah, great idea..." kind of stuff, and talk to the kids...when we end the conversations, I never say when I'll call again, like I used to. I can tell it's weird for her by the sound of her voice...I tell her very little about me...
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I may be completely wrong or out of order to say this, but you are obviously a good and conscientious provider. That is very important to you. And to her too up to a point. I am sure you love her Flight, but I have to say, I have read an awful lot of threads on here where one partner wants to keep the other form leaving or to get them back and almost ALWAYS they say how much they love the partner who is leaving/left. I don't see that here. I know you said you do love her.. but perhaps you do have trouble expressing your love for her.. You have routines, you provide, but what about warmth and affection..? I apologise if I am way off the mark. Not at all Brightmoon...up until the A was discovered, we'd walk everywhere holding hands, arm in arm...kiss...up until 2 wks ago we were still cuddling in bed...when she said she needed time, I made the classic mistake of not giving it to her...I told her I loved her....all the wrong things. After she squarely told me she wants to split, was when I started the 180...I told her I would b gone 6 days...and that surprised her...I usually would drive the 90 minutes to go home...I told her I was at a party last night...I was at my parents' house...they went to bed before midnight, so I was alone...just like my wife was. We would always be snuggling on the sofa or bed watching tv. As unnatural as the 180 treatment seems, I am worried that she will think I'm completely blowing her off and solidify her decision...
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 At risk of sounding weak, before the 180 treatment, I had told her that I loved her to death, and I truly do...I always told her, thru our 11yr M that I loved her, but along the way, my "romantic side" started to fade a little, after kids and life kicked in...I told her this whole experience was a wake up call for me, and that I could forgive the A if it caused us to have a stronger M.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Not at all Brightmoon...up until the A was discovered, we'd walk everywhere holding hands, arm in arm...kiss...up until 2 wks ago we were still cuddling in bed...when she said she needed time, I made the classic mistake of not giving it to her...I told her I loved her....all the wrong things. After she squarely told me she wants to split, was when I started the 180...I told her I would b gone 6 days...and that surprised her...I usually would drive the 90 minutes to go home...I told her I was at a party last night...I was at my parents' house...they went to bed before midnight, so I was alone...just like my wife was. We would always be snuggling on the sofa or bed watching tv. As unnatural as the 180 treatment seems, I am worried that she will think I'm completely blowing her off and solidify her decision... Well then I was off the mark then Flight. Apologies. You seem to have had a very loving and affectionate relationship. I can see your dilemma... the 180 degree thing and to keep her from thinking you don't care. A fine line to tread. I have very little experience of these things and there are excellent people on here who will be able to shed some light, I am sure. In the mean time, ((hugs)). Hope it works out between you both Flight.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 At risk of sounding weak, before the 180 treatment, I had told her that I loved her to death, and I truly do...I always told her, thru our 11yr M that I loved her, but along the way, my "romantic side" started to fade a little, after kids and life kicked in...I told her this whole experience was a wake up call for me, and that I could forgive the A if it caused us to have a stronger M. And what was her reaction Flight?
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 She really had no reaction, other than nodding her head...I let her stay at her Mom's house for a wk to give her time. When she returned, she said not one day did she miss me...I asked if she decided about us and was told to keep it together for the holidays...I was in total shock and disbelief...I then handed her my wedding ring...she said THAT shut the door on the M....that night we had a long talk...where I poured my heart out...it seemed she was thawing...but 3 days later she made the FINAL decision...taking me to where I am now...
Spoiled Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Spoiled, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY WIFE TOLD ME!!!!! Now, how do I get her back?...like I said, I'm in the midst of the 180 treatment.. Sounds like you were doing an awesome job at providing for your family. And I am sure she highly appreciates you for your hard work. The biggest problem is HER. She will need to learn how to let go of her resentments and anger toward you. She may feel tired of trying and angry that it took this situation for you to pay attention. I'm still struggling with this but my A lasted a year and was physical.......allowing myself to grow even further away. Of course everyone is different but here are a few things my H did to help me: We took an emotional needs questionnaire to determine what was important to both of us. We learned a few things. MC and IC for both of us. He blocked out quality time to spend with us like eating dinner with us, watching one of my favorite shows with me, initiating family visits to the park(lunch and games). Simple occasional acts of love like spending 5 minutes from his busy work day to send me an email, talk to me for 15 minutes without looking at the t.v. or his laptop, and initiate playing a card/board game. Things he used to do early in our M, experiences I dearly missed. What hurt me: Frequent calls/texts, I did not feel it was sincere and did not expect that nor did I expect it to continue. He went from never calling/texting during the day to 10+. A particular incident in which I was wrong and he had a right to be angry, but he lost it, blew up and it was extremely ugly. I shut down and refrained from sharing any other information that would cause the repeated action. And the #1, not being firm enough in his expectations of me. Never asked to view my phone records. Instead of saying "Cease all contact," he said, "I know it will be hard to go cold turkey, but I want to be informed of any contact." At the time, that statement sounded good to me. This is awful, but my stubborn behind, still out of anger, and selfishness, continued the A several more months. And no, you should not treat her like a child and she should desire to respect your wishes but I am positive that if my H had put his foot down or gave me an ultimatum, I would have shaped up fast or left.
Spoiled Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 At risk of sounding weak, before the 180 treatment, I had told her that I loved her to death, and I truly do...I always told her, thru our 11yr M that I loved her, but along the way, my "romantic side" started to fade a little, after kids and life kicked in...I told her this whole experience was a wake up call for me, and that I could forgive the A if it caused us to have a stronger M. This is what happened to us but for me, this statement was helpful. I needed to hear my H say he still loved me, him admitting that WE both contributed to the lack of affection in our M meant so much to me. My H traveled on business and called and said he was going to a party(not typical for him) and I believe it was true. The act did not bother me, but due to the timing, I regressed and backed off from trying. Instead of peaking my interest, I felt maybe he was giving up and did not care to start atypical behavior.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 She really had no reaction, other than nodding her head...I let her stay at her Mom's house for a wk to give her time. When she returned, she said not one day did she miss me...I asked if she decided about us and was told to keep it together for the holidays...I was in total shock and disbelief...I then handed her my wedding ring...she said THAT shut the door on the M....that night we had a long talk...where I poured my heart out...it seemed she was thawing...but 3 days later she made the FINAL decision...taking me to where I am now... God! I am sorry to read this. She seems to have zoned out. Must be awful for you when you are trying so hard to show how willing you are to improve and save the marriage. Another excellent post by Spoiled, full of insight and advice.
Spoiled Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 She really had no reaction, other than nodding her head...I let her stay at her Mom's house for a wk to give her time. When she returned, she said not one day did she miss me...I asked if she decided about us and was told to keep it together for the holidays...I was in total shock and disbelief...I then handed her my wedding ring...she said THAT shut the door on the M....that night we had a long talk...where I poured my heart out...it seemed she was thawing...but 3 days later she made the FINAL decision...taking me to where I am now... Oh my............she sounds extremely angry with you. Are you in marriage counseling? Doesn't sound like she is putting forth any effort. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 When I'm home, we have dinner together with the kids...I chk in once a day now while I'm on a trip, to speak with the kids...before this whole mess, when we'd talk on the phone it was usually short 2 minute chat...since she made her decision on Tuesday, and ive been doing the 180 treatment, she seems to go on and on...it's just weird. When I get home Monday, I'll offer to have all of us play Wii video games...but I don't think I can sit alone with her yet. She has approached me a few times about "serious" issues, like her mom offering some $ to send the kids to their school next yr, but I don't have it in me to weaken my position...I want her back like u can't believe...
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 we were in counseling with our church...she was with a female counselor, and I with an asst pastor. I told him of her decision, and me giving my ring back...and he met with her on Tuesday...he told her the Bible states that if no physical adultery has occurred, u should stay and work it out. Several times he told her this, and each time she responded "I know, but I don't want to work it out". We r starting a program at church called Divorce Care ( google it) at my wife's request. I spoke with the facilitator of and, and it is designed to prevent a split, and has chgd. The minds of many...she said this is the ONLY thing that can reassure her of stating or going....see how I'm stuck now?
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 When I'm home, we have dinner together with the kids...I chk in once a day now while I'm on a trip, to speak with the kids...before this whole mess, when we'd talk on the phone it was usually short 2 minute chat...since she made her decision on Tuesday, and ive been doing the 180 treatment, she seems to go on and on...it's just weird. When I get home Monday, I'll offer to have all of us play Wii video games...but I don't think I can sit alone with her yet. She has approached me a few times about "serious" issues, like her mom offering some $ to send the kids to their school next yr, but I don't have it in me to weaken my position...I want her back like u can't believe... "she seems to go on and on" Is that good? Do you find you are communicating more?Better communication? I hear how much you want her back... I hope she is in no doubt of that too.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Sorry for my bad spelling...I'm typing on my iPhone a little too quickly
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 we were in counseling with our church...she was with a female counselor, and I with an asst pastor. I told him of her decision, and me giving my ring back...and he met with her on Tuesday...he told her the Bible states that if no physical adultery has occurred, u should stay and work it out. Several times he told her this, and each time she responded "I know, but I don't want to work it out". We r starting a program at church called Divorce Care ( google it) at my wife's request. I spoke with the facilitator of and, and it is designed to prevent a split, and has chgd. The minds of many...she said this is the ONLY thing that can reassure her of stating or going....see how I'm stuck now? Giving the ring back was a big mistake Flight. It's so symbolic and you should have kept that ring till the end... the last thing you gave up. I see how stuck you are Flight. It's tough.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 When she speaks to me, I listen closely now. Yesterday she told me a bunch of things, and a few times she said she knew I didn't care to hear it. I responded with how I do like to hear what's going on, and was very positive with her...she genuinely sounded happy I said that...so it seems the comm is improving
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I took the ring back and wear ALL the time (around her at least) and told her I'd only take it off if we split or I die...
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 When she speaks to me, I listen closely now. Yesterday she told me a bunch of things, and a few times she said she knew I didn't care to hear it. I responded with how I do like to hear what's going on, and was very positive with her...she genuinely sounded happy I said that...so it seems the comm is improving That is excellent! Now you have an area you can build on hopefully... (No worries about spelling Flight)
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I took the ring back and wear ALL the time (around her at least) and told her I'd only take it off if we split or I die... Good. Glad you took it back and she knows how vital it is for you to have it.
Spoiled Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 we were in counseling with our church...she was with a female counselor, and I with an asst pastor. I told him of her decision, and me giving my ring back...and he met with her on Tuesday...he told her the Bible states that if no physical adultery has occurred, u should stay and work it out. Several times he told her this, and each time she responded "I know, but I don't want to work it out". We r starting a program at church called Divorce Care ( google it) at my wife's request. I spoke with the facilitator of and, and it is designed to prevent a split, and has chgd. The minds of many...she said this is the ONLY thing that can reassure her of stating or going....see how I'm stuck now? I suggest other counseling. Was counseling at church your suggestion?? After my A, I needed to be fully open and honest with someone for them to give me advice. I have not spoken to anyone at my church for several reasons....fear of judgement, fear of my personal info leaking(I have seen this happen too many times), fear of being fully honest about my not so spiritual thoughts and feelings, and knowing their duty is to tell me exactly what the bible says. Your W may be withholding information she really needs to discuss. For example, if there is something about your personal hygiene that disgust her, she is not going to tell someone at church.
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 That is excellent! Now you have an area you can build on hopefully... (No worries about spelling Flight) There is nothing to build on as long as there is an OM in the picture. Keep doing the 180.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 There is nothing to build on as long as there is an OM in the picture. Keep doing the 180. I was assuming he is out of the picture hopes...
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