2sunny Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 She thanked me for letting her go when I said I was for splitting...she said she doesn't want to try to mend, unless the church divorce class chgs her mind; it's a 13 wk course... don't go at this point. you've got some exposure to do. get busy. she's having a full blown affair and you should tell OM's wife. don't believe anything she says... she'll do anything to keep you quiet. quiet only gives her the advantage to see OM more often.
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 That gives her plenty of time to get her ducks in a row....have you? Don't give her that time. Let her suffer the consequences of her actions, NOW...it's the only way to turn her head around. Otherwise, you are playing into her hand.
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 You are getting advice from those that have lived and breathed what you are going through. Don't dismiss it. Nothing, nothing else has a chance of working. OM in picture? Your M stands no chance. You can't compete. Don't even try.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Talking to a lawyer on Tuesday...I cancelled her ATM card to our joint acct...and cancelled some joint CCs
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I still chk cell history and her iPhone....his # and contact info is not in there....I think he's gone...I found all this out a month ago
2sunny Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I still chk cell history and her iPhone....his # and contact info is not in there....I think he's gone...I found all this out a month ago she just may have found a different means of communicating... don't rule out a second phone just for his contact. move the money, she can still access the account if she's on it. tell the MOM wife right away.
tojaz Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 she just may have found a different means of communicating... don't rule out a second phone just for his contact. Agree, when i started checking her phone, she switched to web based text messages to keep it from me............ even though it was all innocent. If you find something don't tell her where you got it, just gives he rthe opportunity to cover her tracks better. TOJAZ
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 With all that is going on, let me just fill u in with my progress with using the 180 approach: I started it on Tuesday, 12/29. We chatted a little about her meeting with our pastor, who told her that only if there was a physical affair, she should stay and try to work it out. She understood, but said she didn't want to fix it...repeatedly. When she told me all of this, that was when I told her I accept her desire to divorce, yet she wants to go to the divorce class...I agree...our wknd ritual is on Fri/Sat/Sun nights is to watch a video or tv and eat ice cream...as I said, I'm an airline pilot, and this past Sunday night I had to work...I told her we can have our ritual on Tuesday night when I returned...however sheinformed me on Tuesday she still wanted out...Tuesday nite comes up, and she asked if we would have ice cream...I told her I had to make a call to a friend....when I was done, she said given the circumstances I didn't have to...so I agreed again....shewanted to talk about our situation, so I listened for about 10 minutes...then the sleeping arrangement came up. As a pilot, I told her that I would take the master bedroom when I was home, and shecould have it when I was away...she walked out, head down in defeat...I went downstairs later to find her having her icecream-alone. When she goes out, she still wears the wedding rings. She's an aerobics instructor...she never wore the rings to class...but now she does. I was reading a book with our 9-yr old son...I caught her gazing at us with a frown...I grinned, and she gave a hurt look to me... Tonight, New years'....I told her I was at a friend's bash. In reality, I was finishing a trip...at 12:00 she called me...I let it go...then she sent 2 text msgs...which I didn't reply to...I actually am at my parents' house...my captain was a little impressed with her actions, and my lack of response...what do u guys think about this?
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I just read my mistake....my pastor said the only reason to divorce is if there was a physical affair....sorry for the typo...
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 As for her accessing the joint chking acct, I chgd the password to login...and I'm going to give my parents the extra $$$ and let them write chks for my bills
2sunny Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 sometimes those kind of rigid "rituals" are what kills a marriage. why are you expecting to just continue on like everything is normal when in reality everything needs to be changed? sometimes the most obvious solution is the last one to be tried. never mind anyway - things are so far beyond that now - but i just thought it was worth mentioning in case someone else new is reading the thread for a solution.
2sunny Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 As for her accessing the joint chking acct, I chgd the password to login...and I'm going to give my parents the extra $$$ and let them write chks for my bills if she's still a signer on the account - she can walk into the branch and withdraw everything that's in there.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I ditched her on the ice cream ritual...she seemed pretty shocked...especially since she just bought my favorite flavors a few days prior...as for her accessing the bank acct...I submitted the paperwork removing her from it...
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Thecredit union we have the joint acct in is out of state, and without her ATM card she can't access the $$$...we live in NJ....the closest branch is in DC...then Chicago...
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Hot Damn! Gunny's Raiders! If you want her back you better act right now, time is still on your side, you have to listen to me if you want to do this right. Read my story if you want to. Here's your rundown. 1. Stop trying to save the marriage, it's dead. 2. Push the divorce 100%, show no fear no matter how hard. 3. Go no contact, or limited contact. you'll see NC or LC in posts. 4. Go out and meet new people. It's a 2 for 1 deal. 5. Agree with whatever she says, no matter how illogical. 6. Read some books on how to meet woman, or understand woman 7. Turn into single man as fast as possible. Your marriage is over. 8. Do not drink or use drugs in excess. 9. EAT 10. Exercise and take care of your health. 11. Buy some new clothes, another 2 for 1 deal 12. Do not ever tell her, I love you, or I miss you. ACT HAPPY 13. Scrap the MC and tell her she is right it's over, and why bother. 14. Change a bad habit in your life, now's the time. 15. Read some loveshack posts, especially the one's that mirror her feelings 16. Keep conversations with her strictly business, money and kids. 17. Keep all communication to under 10 mins, and you end the interaction. 18. Try to remember what drew her to you and become that guy again. 19. You can't change the past only the future, stop dwelling on what you did wrong, you can't change it, or learn from it if you dwell. I know you think I'm crazy but this stuff works, I'm a product of this way of thinking and changing. I've been here 4 months and I'm light years ahead of most of the people on here. I had the luxury of finding this site early in my seperation, maybe 2 weeks after. This site has a wealth of good and bad information. The one thing I did before following anyone's advice was answer 2 questions, 1. do they have their spouse back. 2. if they don't, did they see their mistakes and offer advice based on their mistakes. I received some very bad advice, which I wisely dismissed. Read Homer Macdonld's "Stop Your Divorce" One hell of a book. Counterintuitive thinking will get your wife back, remember that. This right here. When a WS cheats on the BS, in the WS's eyes it's always the BS's fault. Classic part to justify their activities which they KNOW ARE WRONG, but blaming the BS helps supress the guilt and anxiety. As hopes said, Expose, Expose, and Expose some more. To anyone who will listen. Friends, family, everyone. Yeah your wife will get pissed, so what. She brought this upon herself, she needs to live and feel what the consequences will be. Read up on the 180 and start right now. The church counseling thing, that's a cop out. She's deep in la la land. Only one thing will snap her back to her senses is a swift smack across the forehead with the 2X4 of reality. How do you do that 1. Expose 2. 180 her azz to death She needs to see and feel the consequences of her A from friends and family, see you distancing yourself from her and "moving on " without her, and experience what life will be like without you and her children in it. Until that happens, you are just spinning your wheels. Eventually you are going to have to give her a choice. A. End the A, and work on repairing your marriage B. Divorce. Those are the ONLY options. You ARE NOT going to "love" her back into the marriage. Prepare to move on. If she returns, great. If not, well that's OK too. I didn't list any and all responses ~ I'd be here all night! But every post on this thread is "All Day Strong" She's in a mental, pyschological and emotional fog. She doesn't know what she wants let alone what she needs. She's running around lost, dazed and confused ~ screaming and a shouting ~ running in circles ~ waving her hands and arms up in the air. You want to save the marriage? Then the first thing you do? Is quit trying to save the marriage. I can save you the $80 Be yourself, take responsibility for yourself and your children, take responsibility for your own happiness, live your life for yourself, identify your weakness and seek self improvement, never compromise your integrity, own up to your mistakes and short-comings, always speak the truth ~ even if it hurts, is painful and costs you! Learn to adapt, improvise and overcome. Put those that you love and care about before yourself. Just do the right thing! God wrote it upon your heart the day you were born ~ just do the right thing! Even if you've got to scarifice and go without. Just do the right thing ~ you know what that is. Have faith and courage in that knowledge. That your doing the right thing! And if that means you've got to go out and sleep in a hollow log in the dead cold of winter, drink muddy water and eat road kill? So be it! Keep your Honor clean and beyond reproach. Never and I mean NEVER let anyone question your Honor. To your wife, your children, to your family. That means keeping your reputation clean. That means keeping your Honor clean! That means if no else but you, yourself and I know as you go to your grave ~ that you did the RIGHT thing! If that means you pay out both the @zz and nose ~ then so be it! That's me! It cost me, and twenty years later I'm still paying for it out the @zz and nose for it! My (one time) marriage cost me about half a million. But I got a fine son and a fine daughter out it ~ and it was worth every freaking dime. You want to save your marriage? Quit trying to save it! Let it go! Its done, did and over with! It was over yesterday, its over today. The best chance you've got of getting her back ~ to getting her re=-engaged in the relationship /marriage is to let her go. Let her struggle with and in life on her own. Let her go out there and date all the losers she's going to meet. Let her worry about how to pay the rent, the light bill, the gas bill. I mean think about it? Even as an airline pilot? (Depending upon what airline you fly for, and what you fly) you're doing better (money wise) than most of the people / families in your state. As a airlines pilot you're probally pulling down more than the "mean" average family income for your entire state! With that aside, yea you screwed up. Just like I did.! You thought being a good provider, not cheating, not hanging out at the bar with tha' boys, not going to strip clubs, going to work and coming home each night, mowing the lawn, trimming the hedges made you a good husband. Well like me? Guess again! I can tell you what tripped you up? Your a man with a man's thinking!
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Gunny376....YOU ROCK!!! I explained to her a few times that I felt that providing for her and the kids was the right thing when I left my commuter airline to fly Boeing 737s for Continental...she was STILL a stay-at-home mom when that happened. Igave ip "date nights" to work, to provide....in hindsight, it was wrong....but the mrs. doesn't see that right now....I bought her a new car every few years, gave her some spending $, and this is what I got!....just 2 weeks before I got my raise, more per hour thani ever made...I'm presented with this BS!...frustrating as hell! The kids go to private Christian school; I told her that'll b gone...she gets free air travel (to see her Mom), I told her that'll b gone....doesn't seem to phase her...now I try the 180 stuff, and she seems to thaw a little.....
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Gunny376....YOU ROCK!!! I explained to her a few times that I felt that providing for her and the kids was the right thing when I left my commuter airline to fly Boeing 737s for Continental...she was STILL a stay-at-home mom when that happened. Igave ip "date nights" to work, to provide....in hindsight, it was wrong....but the mrs. doesn't see that right now....I bought her a new car every few years, gave her some spending $, and this is what I got!....just 2 weeks before I got my raise, more per hour thani ever made...I'm presented with this BS!...frustrating as hell! The kids go to private Christian school; I told her that'll b gone...she gets free air travel (to see her Mom), I told her that'll b gone....doesn't seem to phase her...now I try the 180 stuff, and she seems to thaw a little..... I realize the Hell and damination your had to go through to become a flight piot! As I had to go through to become a Marine. As Lakeside had to become a Vietnam -Era Marine (Giving properr Props to those those that served ~ some gave some ~ ALL gave some!)
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I realize the Hell and damination your had to go through to become a flight piot! As I had to go through to become a Marine. As Lakeside had to become a Vietnam -Era Marine (Giving properr Props to those those that served ~ some gave some ~ ALL gave some!) Gunny, aside from our marital plights, thank you for giving yourself to our country and the Freedoms that come from sacrifices like yours. My best friend in HS was a Marine...if only I had chosen that route...As much as I love my job/career, it's what I've always wanted to do...unfortunately, my wife didn't fully comprehend...
imagine Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 A normal marriage needs a minimum 15 hrs a week of alone time with the missus. It requires more when it is under stress. I spoke to a man that had his marriage break up because of his busy work schedule. It was a long amicable divorce and one which he wished did not happen. They are still good friends. A woman IS different from a man. She does need your company and fades without it. Please acknowledge this.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I realize the Hell and damination your had to go through to become a flight piot! As I had to go through to become a Marine. As Lakeside had to become a Vietnam -Era Marine (Giving properr Props to those those that served ~ some gave some ~ ALL gave some!) A normal marriage needs a minimum 15 hrs a week of alone time with the missus. It requires more when it is under stress. I spoke to a man that had his marriage break up because of his busy work schedule. It was a long amicable divorce and one which he wished did not happen. They are still good friends. A woman IS different from a man. She does need your company and fades without it. Please acknowledge this. So what r u saying? Stop doing the 180?...in all honesty, the last thing I want to get divorced from this girl. I still love her as much as I did in the beginning. She said it was sad that I didn't realize what I had til it was gone...and she was right! The problem is I don't know how to get her to agree to another chance...I'm encouraged with her reaching out to me a little. I just lookedat the cell records and I was the only one she called at midnight on New Years...then she texted me...twice...the only other person she texted was her bitch friend who I strongly believe is orchestrating this whole thing....they've known each other for 6 months and call/text each other CONSTANTLY....my wife has pretty much alienated all of her "good" friends.... I'd love to spend all this quality time with my wife, but I know it'll only push her further away...for now...everyone has good advice here, but what am I looking for when she actually wants to try to fix it?...I ignored her call and texts lady nite and am planning on going NC today....I have to call tomorrow to talk to the kids...
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Gunny376....YOU ROCK!!! I explained to her a few times that I felt that providing for her and the kids was the right thing when I left my commuter airline to fly Boeing 737s for Continental...she was STILL a stay-at-home mom when that happened. Igave ip "date nights" to work, to provide....in hindsight, it was wrong....but the mrs. doesn't see that right now....I bought her a new car every few years, gave her some spending $, and this is what I got!....just 2 weeks before I got my raise, more per hour thani ever made...I'm presented with this BS!...frustrating as hell! The kids go to private Christian school; I told her that'll b gone...she gets free air travel (to see her Mom), I told her that'll b gone....doesn't seem to phase her...now I try the 180 stuff, and she seems to thaw a little..... Did you think you were buying her love and loyalty? They are your kids too. Don't you want them to continue their education where they are? Their futures should not be part of the battle ground. This there is a lot of talk of money in your posts. It's not about money....and if she were to be swayed by financial considerations, that is not a good foundation for your future together...
Spoiled Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Gunny376....YOU ROCK!!! I explained to her a few times that I felt that providing for her and the kids was the right thing when I left my commuter airline to fly Boeing 737s for Continental...she was STILL a stay-at-home mom when that happened. Igave ip "date nights" to work, to provide....in hindsight, it was wrong....but the mrs. doesn't see that right now....I bought her a new car every few years, gave her some spending $, and this is what I got!....just 2 weeks before I got my raise, more per hour thani ever made...I'm presented with this BS!...frustrating as hell! The kids go to private Christian school; I told her that'll b gone...she gets free air travel (to see her Mom), I told her that'll b gone....doesn't seem to phase her...now I try the 180 stuff, and she seems to thaw a little..... I'm sorry, this does not make every woman happy. I'd rather have date nights, I'd rather drive a 10yr old car, I'd rather my children go to public school and we invest more time with them, I'd rather travel to a public park with my family, and spend six hours of quality time in the car driving to see my family. And spend 20 hours a week working for my spending money. All for my H to spend more time with me. You cannot buy time. You said if her A had been physical, you would "be gone." So sad how women are far more forgiving of men. Women on the forums defending and fighting for their men. Because she's clueless at this point(fog, clouds, etc) and your reactions, she would never tell if she were physical with that man.
Spoiled Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 A normal marriage needs a minimum 15 hrs a week of alone time with the missus. It requires more when it is under stress. I spoke to a man that had his marriage break up because of his busy work schedule. It was a long amicable divorce and one which he wished did not happen. They are still good friends. A woman IS different from a man. She does need your company and fades without it. Please acknowledge this. So true. Everyone probably looks at his W and thinks she has it made because of the status and material things. While deep inside, she was feeling lonely, uninterested, and unfulfilled. Because others thought my life was so grand, it took me a little time before expressing those feelings to my H. Felt I had no right to complain or even feel that way. And I was seriously hurting but felt it was necessary to hang in there for our children. And maintained a positive attitude that he would hear me and things would eventually change.
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 the only reason I brought $$$ into this is because when I chgd airlines, my main concern was providing the lifestyle my family was used to...going from $90K to $28K was super-stressful. She would ask if I was free for a date on a fri/sat...and I'd say "yes"...but she would throw in "I know we r tight on $$$, and if u need to fly an extra trip, go ahead". And most times I would, thinking she was ok with it....that happened a lot because I was in "provider mode"....I know it was wrong...I just got a raise that gives me more $$$ than I've ever made, and I had told her once that kicked in I could work less and b around more for her and the kids...but it was too late...the $$$ aspect is gone from me...the last few years it was a big deal... As for the pvt school...yeah, I'd love to keep my kids there...one of the big sacrifices was taking them out of thepublic system (cuz it sux where we live). But I have told her, that should we split, neither of us will b able to pay for it. There isn't much equity in the house. After a divorce, we will both b in bigger debt than we r now...
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 So true. Everyone probably looks at his W and thinks she has it made because of the status and material things. While deep inside, she was feeling lonely, uninterested, and unfulfilled. Because others thought my life was so grand, it took me a little time before expressing those feelings to my H. Felt I had no right to complain or even feel that way. And I was seriously hurting but felt it was necessary to hang in there for our children. And maintained a positive attitude that he would hear me and things would eventually change. Spoiled, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY WIFE TOLD ME!!!!! Now, how do I get her back?...like I said, I'm in the midst of the 180 treatment..
Recommended Posts