Can you explain why I'm pissed off with this guy?

[PlumPrincess]

you're an animal

 

you're an animal that feels threatened

 

you're an animal that feels afraid

 

Something about his interest towards you is what you are afraid of and it is creating a fight response in you.

I think, I felt irritated, because his behavior made me assume that he thought he was seriously in the race and that he had a chance, while all the time I was dropping hints that I was not interested in him and that I was interested in someone else. I mean, a guy, I'm into, who tells me that he is digging this or that girl, would break my little heart! I would know that I had zero chances with him. So, what's so difficult to understand here?!?!

[Phateless]

We don't take hints.

 

We don't take hints.

 

We don't take hints.

 

You have to tell us outright, and repeat if necessary.

[PlumPrincess]

We don't take hints.

 

We don't take hints.

 

We don't take hints.

 

You have to tell us outright, and repeat if necessary.

Come on, you can't be that dense...

[threebyfate]

Can someone explain to me why I have this strong reaction and whether it's justified?

It's your ego speaking. You feel this guy is beneath you and so, are insulted that he continues to pursue.

 

But you also enjoy the attention, as long as they don't exceed the line. The only problem, is that you're giving out mixed signals to these guys, hence why they continue to pursue.

 

You know exactly how to shut them down. No more games. Just do it.

[PlumPrincess]

It's your ego speaking. You feel this guy is beneath you and so, are insulted that he continues to pursue.

 

But you also enjoy the attention, as long as they don't exceed the line. The only problem, is that you're giving out mixed signals to these guys, hence why they continue to pursue.

 

You know exactly how to shut them down. No more games. Just do it.

To be honest, I would like to have the attention of one certain guy, but I don't care about having a harem of guys I'm not interested in. I don't care about phone calls that last for an hour about trivial stuff. I wasn't trying to be friends with him in order to have a little puppy at my beck and call and I did not in any way indicate that I had any kind of romantic feelings for him.

[WTRanger]

To be honest, I would like to have the attention of one certain guy, but I don't care about having a harem of guys I'm not interested in. I don't care about phone calls that last for an hour about trivial stuff. I wasn't trying to be friends with him in order to have a little puppy at my beck and call and I did not in any way indicate that I had any kind of romantic feelings for him.

 

Exactly, when you have a dog following you that you don't want there you turn around and say, "GO HOME!" and push the little doggy away if you have to. But in this case, you are just feeding these poor dogs generic doggy treats and then bitching about how they are so dense and why they won't leave. I mean, any dog would be smart enough to know that if you feed it off-brand treats, that means you don't like it. Right?

 

Remember the movie Dumb & Dumber? The scene where the girl tells Jim Carrey's character that there is a one in a million chance of the two of them together, and Jim's character says and I quote, "So you're telling me there is a chance?" A person with feelings sometimes will take any sort of hint or chance they can. Believe me, if there was some guy who you were head over heels for, though he couldn't give a rat's ass if you existed, you'd take anything he said as a chance. IF he told you that you can call him, but he'd just doesn't like talking on the phone, you'd be blowing his phone up left and right. You wouldn't think that he doesn't like you, you'd take it as he's interested as he is willing to still talk to you.

 

Stop this nonsense already, or roll in the loving attention you are getting. Because, hey, even negative attention is attention right? Better than sitting alone on a Friday with no one calling you. You can always count on your harem of fall-back guys you've got.

[PlumPrincess]

Exactly, when you have a dog following you that you don't want there you turn around and say, "GO HOME!" and push the little doggy away if you have to. But in this case, you are just feeding these poor dogs generic doggy treats and then bitching about how they are so dense and why they won't leave. I mean, any dog would be smart enough to know that if you feed it off-brand treats, that means you don't like it. Right?

 

Remember the movie Dumb & Dumber? The scene where the girl tells Jim Carrey's character that there is a one in a million chance of the two of them together, and Jim's character says and I quote, "So you're telling me there is a chance?" A person with feelings sometimes will take any sort of hint or chance they can. Believe me, if there was some guy who you were head over heels for, though he couldn't give a rat's ass if you existed, you'd take anything he said as a chance. IF he told you that you can call him, but he'd just doesn't like talking on the phone, you'd be blowing his phone up left and right. You wouldn't think that he doesn't like you, you'd take it as he's interested as he is willing to still talk to you.

I just had this once in my life and that guy was really stupid (and I was, too). Right now I am fancying someone and unfortunately I'm not seeing any kind of sign that he's into me as well. Hate that...

 

Stop this nonsense already, or roll in the loving attention you are getting. Because, hey, even negative attention is attention right? Better than sitting alone on a Friday with no one calling you. You can always count on your harem of fall-back guys you've got.

a) Buddy, many times I was sitting at home alone on Friday or Saturday evening, because I do not use people for my amusement. If I usually don't want to spend time with them, I will not call them when I'm bored either. It's not nice to do such a thing. Also, what's the point of spending time with people you actually don't want to spend time with?

 

b) In general, I don't like having close friendships with guys. Period. There are exceptions, but these guys are not.

 

c) If I wanted to go out and dance, I would. Alone.

 

d) I've already sent them messages.

 

And as an extra :

 

e) I usually pay for myself. Unless a guy really insists and then I just let him do it, because it strikes me as even worse to embarrass him in front of people by insisting that I pay for myself.

[Phateless]

Just face the guilt and stop "sending messages," and start TELLING THEM DIRECTLY.

 

I know it's hard to do something you know will hurt someone's feelings, but if it bugs you, it's got to be done.

 

One of my friends keeps getting touched in ways she doesn't like by this one guy and the other night I volunteered to say something to him on her behalf, but she declined. I told her that we've got to do something because it's really bothering her. I could see it in her face right after she danced with him.

 

I just made up my mind right now - I'm gonna say something to him next time I see him.

 

My point is that it's got to be done. You're there to enjoy yourself, and these guys are interfering with that!

 

You should also check out swing - guys are less touchy feely there.

[PlumPrincess]

Just face the guilt and stop "sending messages," and start TELLING THEM DIRECTLY.

 

I know it's hard to do something you know will hurt someone's feelings, but if it bugs you, it's got to be done.

 

One of my friends keeps getting touched in ways she doesn't like by this one guy and the other night I volunteered to say something to him on her behalf, but she declined. I told her that we've got to do something because it's really bothering her. I could see it in her face right after she danced with him.

 

I just made up my mind right now - I'm gonna say something to him next time I see him.

 

My point is that it's got to be done. You're there to enjoy yourself, and these guys are interfering with that!

 

You should also check out swing - guys are less touchy feely there.

Oh man, you're never satisfied... I told both of them that I didn't want to do anything with them alone anymore. Guy #1 was also told that I had indeed been avoiding him. That should have gotten the job done!

 

The problem is less about them being touchy-feely. It's more about the phone calls and emails. And with guy #1 the fact that if I go out with him, he just never leaves my side and I prefer to also dance with other people.

 

Swing is tempting, but I think I want to advance a bit more with Salsa before I try something else. But it also seems a good idea to learn some other dances in order to become a better salsa dancer: http://addicted2salsa.com/dance/thinking-outside-the-box-step/

 

Good article and I like the website.

Edited January 8, 2010 by PlumPrincess

[PlumPrincess]

I wonder if it wouldn't have been better just to ignore these guys instead of getting upset all the time and then having to be so blunt.

 

And what do you do with people you feel a bit indifferent about. but would not completely reject as friends as long as things are kept at a casual level?

 

Or, what would you do, when someone asks if you want to go to a certain event, not as an official date, but you actually think he's always a tad too eager. You do want to go and you would prefer to have some company, because going there alone will be tough, but you don't want to go with him and if you had to choose, you'd rather go alone. There's always a chance though that I will look quite uncomfortable and awkward, when I'm at a place where I don't know anybody. I can deal with that, I'm just afraid of looking like an arrogant b*tch who thinks she can do better, but can't, while in reality I simply don't want to hang out with this person and that's why I prefer to go there on my own. Not sure, if I'm explaining myself well here... Ok, just brainstorm.

[Simon Attwood]

I think, I felt irritated, because his behavior made me assume that he thought he was seriously in the race and that he had a chance, while all the time I was dropping hints that I was not interested in him and that I was interested in someone else. I mean, a guy, I'm into, who tells me that he is digging this or that girl, would break my little heart! I would know that I had zero chances with him. So, what's so difficult to understand here?!?!

 

You're rationalising your irritation, my above post outlines the true root cause of the irritation.

[Phateless]

I wonder if it wouldn't have been better just to ignore these guys instead of getting upset all the time and then having to be so blunt.

 

And what do you do with people you feel a bit indifferent about. but would not completely reject as friends as long as things are kept at a casual level?

 

Or, what would you do, when someone asks if you want to go to a certain event, not as an official date, but you actually think he's always a tad too eager. You do want to go and you would prefer to have some company, because going there alone will be tough, but you don't want to go with him and if you had to choose, you'd rather go alone. There's always a chance though that I will look quite uncomfortable and awkward, when I'm at a place where I don't know anybody. I can deal with that, I'm just afraid of looking like an arrogant b*tch who thinks she can do better, but can't, while in reality I simply don't want to hang out with this person and that's why I prefer to go there on my own. Not sure, if I'm explaining myself well here... Ok, just brainstorm.

 

You answered your own questions. If he seems too eager, just go alone. I think with these guys, you have to choose between hanging out with them and dealing with their eagerness, or not hanging out with them at all.

 

Honestly, I think you're better off ONLY having friends who respect your boundaries. You don't need to be friends with these guys if they're going to make things complicated for you.

[PlumPrincess]

You answered your own questions. If he seems too eager, just go alone. I think with these guys, you have to choose between hanging out with them and dealing with their eagerness, or not hanging out with them at all.

 

Honestly, I think you're better off ONLY having friends who respect your boundaries. You don't need to be friends with these guys if they're going to make things complicated for you.

Yeah, I think I need to start accepting what my instinct is telling me. Some guys just want to be friends and others want more even if they don't tell it directly. I need to make it clear right from the start to the latter ones that I'm not interested regardless of what they tell me or how nasty they become. Somehow, I have a problem accepting that someone could be interested in me, when I'm not interested in them. I mean, I understand it rationally, but I always have the feeling it shouldn't be such a problem.

[PlumPrincess]

You're rationalising your irritation, my above post outlines the true root cause of the irritation.

I'm not afraid of him. I don't feel threatened...

[Simon Attwood]

I'm not afraid of him. I don't feel threatened...

 

 

If that were the case, then you wouldn't feel pissed off at the attention.

[PlumPrincess]

If that were the case, then you wouldn't feel pissed off at the attention.

Don't you think my explanation was good? What should I be afraid of?

[Phateless]

If that were the case, then you wouldn't feel pissed off at the attention.

 

Not true. It's annoying when someone you're not interested in is crowding you - standing too close, calling too much, taking up your attention when you want to be spending it with other people.

 

I know what you mean about not being used to people being interested in you. There are plenty of guys there who are happy with friendship, but you'll have to put up your walls with a few of them, unfortunately.

Edited January 10, 2010 by Phateless

[PlumPrincess]

Not true. It's annoying when someone you're not interested in is crowding you - standing too close, calling too much, taking up your attention when you want to be spending it with other people.

 

I know what you mean about not being used to people being interested in you. There are plenty of guys there who are happy with friendship, but you'll have to put up your walls with a few of them, unfortunately.

I've never been the kind of person who went out a lot or who had a lot of friends. Many of my other hobbies can be done at home alone or when they are done in a group, it's usually a group of women. Since I started Salsa dancing though, I'm meeting quite a lot of men suddenly, which is good as I'm single, but I'm not the most patient person and the increased attention of interested men I'm not interested in started to get on my nerves a bit.

 

Yeah, I know, it's silly and I'm trying to learn not to let other people's behavior get to me and to take things too personally, because it makes me feel bad and not them. A friend of mine once said, when you're upset, you have two problems. Problem #1 is, you're upset and problem #2 is, you have to cool down. So true.

 

By the way, Simon, it's not great, when you want to get to know other guys and maybe flirt with them, but know that someone is watching every step you do.

[threebyfate]

To be honest, I would like to have the attention of one certain guy, but I don't care about having a harem of guys I'm not interested in. I don't care about phone calls that last for an hour about trivial stuff. I wasn't trying to be friends with him in order to have a little puppy at my beck and call and I did not in any way indicate that I had any kind of romantic feelings for him.

Then, just completely withdraw, which includes not partnering with them and also, not responding to their calls. Or better yet, just tell them to back off, you're feeling like they're attracted and you're only seeing them as friends.

 

Most often, this will do the trick. But if not, get nasty.

 

Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.

[Phateless]

Then, just completely withdraw, which includes not partnering with them and also, not responding to their calls. Or better yet, just tell them to back off, you're feeling like they're attracted and you're only seeing them as friends.

 

Most often, this will do the trick. But if not, get nasty.

 

Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

I agree with everything EXCEPT the bolded part.

 

Instead, you should simply say, "I'm feeling uncomfortable around you." and leave it at that.

[PlumPrincess]

I agree with everything EXCEPT the bolded part.

 

Instead, you should simply say, "I'm feeling uncomfortable around you." and leave it at that.

I also think that's the better choice. I've done what threebyfate suggested, but I remember people denying and saying I was making things up.

 

I remember a friend who was very into me. I once said I wasn't sure if friendship between men and women was really possible or not. He then called me was narrow-minded and of course, it did. Much later, he accused me of playing with his feelings, because I should have known that friendship between men and women did not exist.

 

It's just better to give them a purely subjective reason where they are not able to argue with you.

[Simon Attwood]

It's just better to give them a purely subjective reason where they are not able to argue with you.

 

 

I think you mean "objective"

[Kizzyfur]

I am just wondering if your reaction to him isn't as shallow as his weight issue. What would have been your reaction to him looking you up and down had you considered him an attractive man?

 

Stop being nice to people just because you feel sorry for them. You're not doing them any good.

[Simon Attwood]

Not true. It's annoying when someone you're not interested in is crowding you - standing too close, calling too much, taking up your attention when you want to be spending it with other people.

 

I was not denying the annoyance, I was explaining that the root of annoyance is entrenched within our species' deep phylogenetic origins.

[PlumPrincess]

I am just wondering if your reaction to him isn't as shallow as his weight issue. What would have been your reaction to him looking you up and down had you considered him an attractive man?

 

Stop being nice to people just because you feel sorry for them. You're not doing them any good.

I'm simply not attracted to him and I mention his weight issue, because it has added to my irritation.

 

For clarification:

 

* I've once been attracted to a guy who had a belly as well. We ended in a situation where we both were undressed. I laughed a bit at his belly, which seemed to hurt his feelings a bit, but it was not like I was tremendously bothered. In this case, I am, because I'm simply not attracted to him. He also sweats a lot and it then grosses me out to touch him when we dance. I remember in the beginning, I went to this party and he really wanted to dance with me. I did and then I ran away, because I found it gross to touch someone who was soaking wet. I'm even less eager to dance Bachata with him. When the other person has a really protruding belly, you end up dancing dancing closer and with more physical contact. He told me once about a bachata course that was so wicked, because it was taught with close body contact. You're probably not surprised to hear that I declined his suggestion to do a Bachata course together.

 

* I used to have crushes on guys who were really attractive. I remember two guys for whom I had serious crushes and guess what, their attractiveness was not able to prevent me from being put off by what they did or said and from making me finally run away and avoid them. My initial attraction for them vanished as quickly as snow in the sun.

 

To make it short, when you're already attracted to someone, for whatever strange reason, physical imperfections are not a problem. If you're not attracted, physical imperfections become reasons to complain. And physical attractiveness is not good enough to sustain feelings.