Call from xW, the truth is all out, and it's SOOO Over now

[Devil Inside]

Anyone have any thought as to whether or not I should email his xW an offer of emails and proof of things I said? I just know he's saying I'm nuts and lied about everything. Or should I just let it go?

 

Hey BL..I am so sorry for your pain. The sting of betrayal is a deep one. I can tell you are hurting.

 

As for the question above I say just let it go. Let it all go. Anything that has to do with this man and his xW...let it all go. You need to start letting it all go so that you can start healing...and you will heal.

 

BL it is time to look forward. I know right now that must look bleak, but as you said in your original post..it is the start of a new year. Time for a clean start.

[fooled once]

As much as you want to hurt him, I say let it go too.

 

The sooner you get these toxic drama filled people out of your life, the better.

 

IF she were to ask you for them, then give them to her.

 

BUT, I wouldn't go seeking her or offering stuff to her.

 

I hope as each day passes you start to feel stronger.

[Brokenlady]

Thank you all for your responses, I think you're right that he isn't worth the mental energy anymore.

 

In other news, I got an email from him last night asking for the ring back. I told him to go get bent, that he forfeited it when he lied, gaslighted, and cheated on me with his xW. He said it represented "a significant investment". I replied, "funny, I thought 4 years of my life was a significant investment, and I can't get that time back. You'll earn that money back in 3 months, tops." I told him that I thought he had real balls to even ask and that he proposed under false pretenses anyway, cause if I had known he'd taken xW on vacation I'd never have spoken to him again, and of course he knew that, which is why he lied, lied and lied some more. And lastly, I told him I didn't owe him a damn thing after all he put me through. Truth be told I don't want the damn ring, but as I said to him, I'd rather throw it out than give it back to him because I'm not going to reward him for what he did. Am I wrong?

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you all for your responses, I think you're right that he isn't worth the mental energy anymore.

 

In other news, I got an email from him last night asking for the ring back. I told him to go get bent, that he forfeited it when he lied, gaslighted, and cheated on me with his xW. He said it represented "a significant investment". I replied, "funny, I thought 4 years of my life was a significant investment, and I can't get that time back. You'll earn that money back in 3 months, tops." I told him that I thought he had real balls to even ask and that he proposed under false pretenses anyway, cause if I had known he'd taken xW on vacation I'd never have spoken to him again, and of course he knew that, which is why he lied, lied and lied some more. And lastly, I told him I didn't owe him a damn thing after all he put me through. Truth be told I don't want the damn ring, but as I said to him, I'd rather throw it out than give it back to him because I'm not going to reward him for what he did. Am I wrong?

 

No, you are not wrong. Your four years investment in this man and the relationship with him is worth far more than any material object he gave you. I say don't toss it though, sell it for as much as you can get for it, and if it is enough take a tropical vacation with the proceeds. make sure you really live it up, and be sure you flirt with lots of hot young 'pool boys' It may not make you hurt any less, but the sun and some sand will at least make for a more pleasant way to start the healing.

 

Good luck to you, hun, and I am wishing you the speediest of recoveries from such a horribly painful experience.

[Hazyhead]

I can't believe he asked for the ring back! He is... I can't write anything here that would be deemed appropriate for decent people, so I won't, but I'm sure you have plenty of words of your own. Good on you for telling him to take a hike. I completely agree with FA - sell it, book a holiday then go on a spree to get yourself some gorgeous holiday wear.

 

Again - I'm amazed!

[Brokenlady]

FA and HH - Yeah, he said "my actions have shown that I wanted you and only loved you, so you shouldn't have believed most of what xW said". Apparently he feels wronged, like he was moving the right direction and i should have been able to see that from his actions. I can only imagine if he sees the same reality I do, but his actions showed me that he was a man who would do anything and carelessly stomp my feelings to keep himself comfortable with both of us. Anyway, I guess that's the bizarre logic he had for asking for it back - essentially that I broke the promise, not him. I just don't see it that way.

 

Some very sad moments today. I almost wish none of this happened for another week or so. But I decided I need to get on with getting on. So I went and got a different haircut and changed my haircolor (it's part of my process when I have major breakups in my life). I feel like I need to reinvent myself for me.

[bentnotbroken]

Don't tell him to get bent:eek: I am BENT and he isn't me on my worst and his best day. HE is worse than lint in a monkey's navel.

[fooled once]

FA and HH - Yeah, he said "my actions have shown that I wanted you and only loved you, so you shouldn't have believed most of what xW said". Apparently he feels wronged, like he was moving the right direction and i should have been able to see that from his actions. I can only imagine if he sees the same reality I do, but his actions showed me that he was a man who would do anything and carelessly stomp my feelings to keep himself comfortable with both of us. Anyway, I guess that's the bizarre logic he had for asking for it back - essentially that I broke the promise, not him. I just don't see it that way.

 

Some very sad moments today. I almost wish none of this happened for another week or so. But I decided I need to get on with getting on. So I went and got a different haircut and changed my haircolor (it's part of my process when I have major breakups in my life). I feel like I need to reinvent myself for me.

 

Don't you dare give him that ring back. It was a gift!

 

I love that you changed your hair!! (Not that there was anything wrong with your hair before, not that I have ever seen a picture of you! )

 

Here is to the start of a new life for you! I hope your Christmas is okay and I just know 2010 WILL be better for you!

[Die Hard]

Yeah, eff him. I'm a guy and say don't give him that ring back!

 

He just keeps wanting his cake. I say sell it and take a nice vacation somewhere far, far away.

[jj33]

OH sweetie. I am so so sorry and just before xmas.

 

Dont you DARE give him that ring back. If nothing else you can sell it and go on a lovely holiday - something but he doesnt get ANYTHING from you.

 

At this point I would block his emails block his phone numbers and never ever speak to him again.

 

Congrats on your new hairdo. Its good you are starting on your new path. A new life for a new you.

 

Big hugs and merry Christmas

 

Edited to say I just saw that DieHard said the same thing - so we all agree - take the ring and do whatever you want to with it - so long as it doesnt go back to him. Your best bet may be to have it made into a pendant I dont think you will get much for a ring but it may be better than wearing anything that came from him - you dont need him or any of his presents hanging around your neck any more.

[Brokenlady]

Edited to say I just saw that DieHard said the same thing - so we all agree - take the ring and do whatever you want to with it - so long as it doesnt go back to him.

 

I told him I would rather throw it in the garbage than give it back to him. It's not that i want it, it's that I want even more NOT to reward him for what he did to me.

 

Your best bet may be to have it made into a pendant I dont think you will get much for a ring but it may be better than wearing anything that came from him - you dont need him or any of his presents hanging around your neck any more.

 

Still too much bad karma on that diamond. I have student loans that need to be paid off and I'm also looking down the barrel at a possible permanent layoff next month. So, I will sell it when I am ready.

 

Interestingly, the chain on a sapphire pendant he gave me broke recently. And I chuckled a little at the "forever" necklace he gave me as I sifted through my jewelry box. Looking at the stuff makes me profoundly sad.

 

I know I can never go back to him, but it is still a tremendous loss and I miss him. I miss what I thought we had. And I'm so mad that he ruined it all and destroyed any shred of an ability for me to trust him. Everything I planned for - gone. I feel confident that he loved me, just not the way I needed him to. I haven't been eating or sleeping well and I'm having trouble with the intensity of my grief. It's real physical pain. I am having trouble seeing myself feeling whole again without him, but I hope to work through that in IC. It is afterall about my crappy self-worth, not about my worth to him.

[skywriter]

Yea, you tell him you''ll give him the ring back ,just as soon as he returns, the four yrs wasted, on his screwed up, disfunctional a**!

[crystal_lostheart]

There were things I had a "gut feeling" about, but when I'd ask him, he'd say I was being paranoid. I guess I really wanted to believe my gut was wrong.

 

 

 

Why? I don't think I can bear much more...what do you think will happen now?

 

I have these 'gut feelings' all the time. Reading your post has made me realize even more they are all the same.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this....

[NoIDidn't]

All this encouragement to keep his ring.

 

He gave it as an intent to marriage.

 

No marriage happening now.

 

I think you should give it back.

 

Not to mention, $16K is a sizable investment. I don't know how it turned out, but a woman spent about $150K in preparations to marry a guy and he ditched. She sued. These things do end up in court quite frequently.

 

Am I the only one that believes that giving a guy back his ring, his request for me to marry him, is the ultimate f**k you? LOL

[Fallen Angel]

All this encouragement to keep his ring.

 

He gave it as an intent to marriage.

 

No marriage happening now.

 

I think you should give it back.

 

Not to mention, $16K is a sizable investment. I don't know how it turned out, but a woman spent about $150K in preparations to marry a guy and he ditched. She sued. These things do end up in court quite frequently.

 

Am I the only one that believes that giving a guy back his ring, his request for me to marry him, is the ultimate f**k you? LOL

 

I guess I just feel that after all those years of hers he wasted with his promises he never intended to keep, she has earned the right to keep it. much like the wife that gets to keep the house or the car or half the bank account... if he had never intended to marry her (obvious since he never really left his marriage) then it wasn't a "gift in contemplation of marriage" which would be his lawsuit (that is the term they use for those lawsuits) it was simply a gift, with no 'contemplation of marriage' therefore it is hers free and clear to do with as she pleases.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I just feel that after all those years of hers he wasted with his promises he never intended to keep, she has earned the right to keep it. much like the wife that gets to keep the house or the car or half the bank account...

 

That comparison is just so way off.. Apples and oranges, that's all I'll say..

 

Tell him you're keeping the ring, then donate it to a woman's shelter, or maybe even to a charity so they can put it in a silent auction. To hang onto it out of spite is only going to add fuel to your fire.

[Fallen Angel]

That comparison is just so way off.. Apples and oranges, that's all I'll say..

 

Tell him you're keeping the ring, then donate it to a woman's shelter, or maybe even to a charity so they can put it in a silent auction. To hang onto it out of spite is only going to add fuel to your fire.

 

I don't see it as apples and oranges. Both women provided him with love, support, companionship, sex.. both probably cooked for him, cleaned for him, did his laundry, listened to him vent after a bad day at work... both of them did these things because of promises he made to them, the only difference is that one had the benefit of a piece of paper.... but for all intents and purposes, both provided the same 'services'.

 

(I was BS for 15 years, and have been OW for about 3... I know EXACTLY what both sides of the coin look like, so I do speak from experience here)

[NoIDidn't]

I guess I just feel that after all those years of hers he wasted with his promises he never intended to keep, she has earned the right to keep it. much like the wife that gets to keep the house or the car or half the bank account... if he had never intended to marry her (obvious since he never really left his marriage) then it wasn't a "gift in contemplation of marriage" which would be his lawsuit (that is the term they use for those lawsuits) it was simply a gift, with no 'contemplation of marriage' therefore it is hers free and clear to do with as she pleases.

 

I see your point, but disagree with it completely. LOL. She accepted it as an engagement ring, not as a gift. I'm sorry but to compare years wasted in an affair to a marriage is really a stretch. (Sorry OP)

 

The promises he didn't intend to keep won't matter should he take this to court. She accepted the ring as an engagement ring, there is no longer an engagement. She should give it back.

 

He asked for his *engagement ring* back. She should give it back. If the marriage plans are over, she should give it back. Regardless of her feelings on what has transpired.

 

His using the words "significant investment" lead me to thinking that he isn't going to just leave this alone. He wants his money back, and there really is no reason he shouldn't have it back. Hurt feelings, lies, and betrayals have no legal standing in regards to the purpose of that ring. (Again, sorry OP, end thread-jack)

[Fallen Angel]

 

The next morning, I get a call from xW, and I am so pissed and hurt that I finally decide I'm not going to protect him anymore. I have been protecting him and he used my protection to keep having it both ways. She tells me that he told her he wants to work on things with her a few weeks ago, and that he explained away my $16K engagement ring as a "friendship ring". He told her he wanted to come back to her but that he couldn't right now because I'd kill myself, or some such horsesh*t. And apparently, while I was away on business this summer, he took her on vacation. She said they'd been having "really really good sex" the whole time and so I let loose and told her that if she really wanted to know the truth, I'd tell her. I told her that we had sex in her bed, and many other really awful detais she probably didn't want or need to know. I should have told her this stuff a long time ago when she first called me.

 

LMAO.. according to him it was just a friendship ring....

[NoIDidn't]

LMAO.. according to him it was just a friendship ring....

 

To His EX-WIFE, not to the OP. C'mon Fallen. She accepted it as an engagement ring. She announced the engagement on FaceBook. Finding out that he was stringing her along doesn't change that.

[Fallen Angel]

To His EX-WIFE' date=' not to the OP. C'mon Fallen. She accepted it as an engagement ring. She announced the engagement on FaceBook. Finding out that he was stringing her along doesn't change that.[/quote']

 

Let us just agree to disagree on this one, hun.

 

OP, I would suggest before you do anything at all with the ring, you contact a lawyer in your state and find out what the law says. You may legally have to return the ring, or face a lawsuit.. however, the law differs from state to state, so check in order to protect yourself.

 

(My MM would never ask for it back, though the ring he gave me is not worth that much... I just find it repulsive that this guy thought it was okay to do what he did and then ask for the ring back.. very lowlife behaviour... *shrug*)

Edited December 29, 2009 by Fallen Angel

[StarChick]

http://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/

[crystal_lostheart]

All this encouragement to keep his ring.

 

He gave it as an intent to marriage.

 

No marriage happening now.

 

I think you should give it back.

 

Not to mention, $16K is a sizable investment. I don't know how it turned out, but a woman spent about $150K in preparations to marry a guy and he ditched. She sued. These things do end up in court quite frequently.

 

Am I the only one that believes that giving a guy back his ring, his request for me to marry him, is the ultimate f**k you? LOL

 

And who's fault is that??? Not hers. And the nerve of the guy to ask for it back..... Typical... Let me destroy your life then slap you in the face by asking for a ring back that was supposed to symbolize our future together.

 

One part of me would want to throw it down his throat and hope that he choke on it....the other part of me would want to melt it down (under a very hot flame) into a new 'nice, fresh' piece of jewelry with no more of his grubby, filthy fingertips on it.

[Awakening]

I just now read this thread for the first time. This is my story almost to a "T". He didn almost the exact same things! Well, except for the ring part - my xdmm was way too cheap to purchase a ring. In fact, he still owes me money.

 

Please just move on now. Even if he comes back (I have no doubt he will try after the glow of the second honeymoon with his ex wears off) do you really want to be with someone you cannot trust? I tried it and it did not work.

 

I'm convinced my xdmm is a narcissist and this is just the way they work. I don't even try to figure it out anymore. It's not worth my time.

[Brokenlady]

I see your point, but disagree with it completely. LOL. She accepted it as an engagement ring, not as a gift. I'm sorry but to compare years wasted in an affair to a marriage is really a stretch. (Sorry OP)

 

The promises he didn't intend to keep won't matter should he take this to court. She accepted the ring as an engagement ring, there is no longer an engagement. She should give it back.

 

He asked for his *engagement ring* back. She should give it back. If the marriage plans are over, she should give it back. Regardless of her feelings on what has transpired.

 

 

NID, he'll let it go. For him to publicly admit what he did to me just isn't going to happen. And don't feel too sorry for him, he just made (profit) $14K yesterday alone. He's not missing my trinket a bit.

 

Aside from all that, I should clarify, he gave me the ring not five mintues after he told me he was going back to his xW. It was a birthday gift and told me to keep it either way. I only accepted it the next morning after lots of crying and he said he wasn't going back to the xW. He asked me to marry him 3 weeks later. It seems though that the story has changed when it's conveinient for him. As usual.

 

I may give it back to him, I may not, I am too hurt to think on it right now. Right now it feels like that would be rewarding him for cheating on me with his xW.