whysohard Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 guys, i had my third date yesterday with this insanely hot girl, we havent had shared a kiss in the three dates we had (taken it slow from my part), but she was all over me, i mean touching flirting, you name it, i gave her a lift back to her place and as she is about to go out of the car, she actually waits for 2 seconds, looked at me and i couldnt do anything... it was the same day i signed for my divorce papers, could that have something to do with it, i just did not feel right, i mean i could have sealed the deal right there and then, but man did i feel paralized, i felt not ready, not in a good place. this woman was hotter than my ex wife and i couldnt bring myself to do anything. she texted me this morning saying good morning and if i slept well.
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 You're still grieving the death of the M. Perfectly normal. Any woman who's been through that will understand. Communicate. Timing is important in romance. Now may not be your time, but I'm happy to read you're experimenting with getting out there.
Author whysohard Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 thanks Carhil, its just weird, i havent gotten laid for few months now, and you'd think i'll jump at this occasion, but i just froze, i started thinking that i dont want to play with this woman's feelings, it turns out she was really interested and i think i was the one sending mixed messages all along. i think i am gonna put the breaks on this, go through the grieving process and see what happens. have you got any idea how to do this? when i was with the wife i cut all contact with friendsm, i only have one good friends but he's got a family and its not like before, or do you think i should just jump right back in and start dating again. Carhil, BTW tomottow is "Attention Seeking Whore" day!
ordinary_girl Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 thanks Carhil, its just weird, i havent gotten laid for few months now, and you'd think i'll jump at this occasion, but i just froze, i started thinking that i dont want to play with this woman's feelings, it turns out she was really interested and i think i was the one sending mixed messages all along. i think i am gonna put the breaks on this, go through the grieving process and see what happens. have you got any idea how to do this? when i was with the wife i cut all contact with friendsm, i only have one good friends but he's got a family and its not like before, or do you think i should just jump right back in and start dating again. Carhil, BTW tomottow is "Attention Seeking Whore" day! I'm sure carhill will give his response as well but maybe you won't mind my butting in here to use my experience jumping back into dating straight away does not always help. I know my comment goes against SOME common wisdom but you have to give yourself some time to heal. yes making friends again would be a start and not dating just to spend time with another human being. taking up new hobbies is good, going for drinks with colleagues after work, going to the gym, etc. you know you are ready to date when you want to chat to the girl in the coffee shop because you think she is lovely and not because you haven't got laid for a while or because this is what you think you should do. listen to your mind, do what you think feels natural. don't force it, you are not a machine with a penis.
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 OP, I last had sexual relations with my stbx over a year ago. We've lived separately for about six months and will be officially divorced in about another five. I have not dated. I understand the impetus for sexual satisfaction, companionship and validation, only too well. This year has been a trifecta of sorts, losing my M, my mother no longer recognizing me, and the loss of a friendship I valued dearly. IMO, that is precisely why I should not date. Do you understand why? Your path is your path. Each man has his own psychology. Yours may be such that, even in light of how your M ended, you can easily move on. I think that's great, TBH. I hope it works out for you
SummerLady Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I'm sure carhill will give his response as well but maybe you won't mind my butting in here to use my experience jumping back into dating straight away does not always help. I know my comment goes against SOME common wisdom but you have to give yourself some time to heal. yes making friends again would be a start and not dating just to spend time with another human being. taking up new hobbies is good, going for drinks with colleagues after work, going to the gym, etc. you know you are ready to date when you want to chat to the girl in the coffee shop because you think she is lovely and not because you haven't got laid for a while or because this is what you think you should do. listen to your mind, do what you think feels natural. don't force it, you are not a machine with a penis. I agree with you BUT sometimes by the time the marriage is legally over the "Marriage" or relationship is way over. It all depends on the situation. I was way over my marriage by the time the state said its officially done.
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I would tend to agree and feel similarly. If not for the adjunct issues, I'd be more positive about dating. Getting a D in this current economic climate hasn't done my fiscal confidence much good either, and it is well-documented that women find a successful male more attractive. That's my excuse this weekend anyway
phineas Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) I would tend to agree and feel similarly. If not for the adjunct issues, I'd be more positive about dating. Getting a D in this current economic climate hasn't done my fiscal confidence much good either, and it is well-documented that women find a successful male more attractive. That's my excuse this weekend anyway Broke & still can't find my abs were my excuses last night when I went out with friends. To the OP I wont be divorced for about 3 to 5 months & have been seperated since april. I don't know if I could of done it either. Edited December 19, 2009 by phineas
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 My excuse tonight is my bf tore a ligament in his back helping me hang tile so I must visit him and offer emotional support and receive the customary excellent dinner his wife offers up She doesn't have to know I have no food in the house except for the cats.
meerkat stew Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 She doesn't have to know I have no food in the house except for the cats. Are cats good? They look like they would be stringy to me.
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 The wild ones are a bit gamey, as there are mostly birds and rodents to eat around here, but if you feed them out they take on the flavor of the feed. BTW, my bf's wife is a cat lover and the above statement would get me slapped, and often does
meerkat stew Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Well, was wondering, because meerkats (not cats at all of course) are delicious. Problem is they are so bony and just don't have much meat at all. It takes, for example, 2-3 whole meerkats just to make a sandwich for goodness sakes. We have them at my local PERCA (People Eating Ridiculously Cute Animals) meetings frequently, and everyone seems to go home hungry.
Author whysohard Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 after last night, i thought my date will probably think i am gay or just not that into her, then the next morning she sends me a "goog morning" text, so i thought i'll give it another try ( since i have already given up the night before) and see if she wants to meet back at my place. 5 texts messages later and then she tells me "I dont want to be too much trouble for you, your're very kind". then bang! nothing since, i always thought a "good morning" text was a good sign that a woman is into you? is this a power grab game from her part?
meerkat stew Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Not a power grab, and not a lukewarm response based on your not making sexual moves, but IMO, possibly a reduction of interest based on too much contact and that you are insecure in your stance of not going for sex and are telegraphing this to her. Possibly also her test to see how cool and composed you are. If she is in fact very attractive, she is likely used to men fawning all over her, and her "don't want to be trouble" comment could be testing how much you will then run right to her. If they say stuff like "don't want to be too much trouble, you are kind," try agreeing with them "thanks for the compliment, i try to be kind, have a great weekend!" and leave it at that. Don't try to ratchet her interest up into an impromptu date every time she displays it. Thats what every other guy does with a hot woman, always pushing, always pressuring, fawning at her every sign of interest. They give her every indication that they have nothing else going on and are at her complete beck and call. Be a mystery to an extent. I've never known an emotionally healthy woman who would nix a man in your situation for not trying to get her in bed fast. Have known many, though, who get bored early by feeling like they "have you." If you leave them nothing to pursue, no mystery, they lose interest. Men are the same way, I am anyway.
Author whysohard Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 thanks meerkat, very insightfull
Author whysohard Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 after ignoring my messages yesterday, she send me one today saying she likes talking to me and she is not in a good state of mind at the mo (sounds a bit like a lost soul just as my good self). decided not reply till tomorrow, i aint desperate and i am not in a good state of mind myself. do you guys think it is the best move
gopher Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 guys, i had my third date yesterday with this insanely hot girl, we havent had shared a kiss in the three dates we had (taken it slow from my part), but she was all over me, i mean touching flirting, you name it, i gave her a lift back to her place and as she is about to go out of the car, she actually waits for 2 seconds, looked at me and i couldnt do anything... it was the same day i signed for my divorce papers, could that have something to do with it, i just did not feel right, i mean i could have sealed the deal right there and then, but man did i feel paralized, i felt not ready, not in a good place. this woman was hotter than my ex wife and i couldnt bring myself to do anything. she texted me this morning saying good morning and if i slept well. At least 6 months, more likely a year after the papers are signed and it's final. Speaking from experience, mine and others I've observed.
meerkat stew Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 after ignoring my messages yesterday, she send me one today saying she likes talking to me and she is not in a good state of mind at the mo (sounds a bit like a lost soul just as my good self). decided not reply till tomorrow, i aint desperate and i am not in a good state of mind myself. do you guys think it is the best move Don't reply at all, and just move on. Miraculously, I notice that women who are into me are almost never in a bad state of mind, never complain, never pressure or whine. They are just happy to have my attention. Think about it, you are enthusiastic about this person. Would you ever start a communication with "I'm in a bad mood today but...?" People who are suffering legitimately, yet into you, will tell you exactly what is wrong, and it will be significant. For instance, "My favorite aunt had a stroke this morning, I'm sorry but in a bad frame of mind over that," "I'm going to have to put my 13 y.o. dog down this week," and never some vague malaise. We all have pressure and stress to deal with in our lives, and normal people don't whinge about it to people they are really interested in early on.
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