Question for wayward spouses

[Spoiled]

How long do you want to keep trying???

I have the impression that people here often oppose the passion of an A with the friendship of the M, and say that A has no long term perspective and that the real thing is the M.

Honestly, I think that is quite a cynical view. Why would it not be possible to have passion in a M? As a matter of fact, it's the only kind of M I want. Not some kind of mediocre, not too bad thing but really a deep bond on all levels and in all aspects (head, heart and belly).

 

One should not give up immediately but at the other hand: "life ain't no dress rehearsal". People change a lot over the years and unless you both evolve in the same direction, it does not make sense to stay together. You should be careful not to wake up one day when you are 55 or 60 and realize that you have not been as happy as you could have been.

 

I honestly do not know how long to keep trying. I believe it is very possible to have passion in a M but I was never aware of that extent of passion prior to M. Unlike some of my single girlfriends, they are experiencing the type of passion I experienced with my xMM with past boyfriends and/or SO. I think it's wonderful for them and having that lack of exposure in my past is highly disappointing to me. Otherwise, there would be no doubt that it would be the only type of M I would want.

 

DestroyerofWorlds, Samantha0905, and others seem to have this problem. It has been said that people possibly erase and/or forget the past and actually did feel the passion once with their spouse. Well, I asked my H for old letters and cards that I wrote to him during our courtship. And they were nothing like those written to my xMM.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Spoiled - I've kept a journal since I was 18. Before I had "the talk" with my W 3 weeks after d-day I went back and re-read everything I had written over the previous 8 years. I knew that it would be unfair to compare the feelings in my highly passionate and intense A to the excitement of an 8 year relationship with a toddler.

 

I had read about how people in A's so often distort the past of their M to make them appear like they were bad all along when they really weren't so I didn't want to let myself fall into that trap.

 

In re-reading all of those all journal entries I found myself talking about all of the activities we had done or all the fun we had together and even the excitement of some of the sexual activities we had done together. It was new, and just "new" in itself can be exciting. There was certainly more passion back then, I wouldn't want to say that there wasn't but the tone of my entries was mostly. Things are great, she's so much fun, so why do I find myself feeling unhappy?

 

This is going to be a really bad comparison since it involves "sex" and "mom"....but it's late and nothing else is coming to mind. Keep in mind if you had read my earlier posts that I was in a very passionate, sexually fulfilling relationship for 7 years before I met my W.

 

Let's say as a kid that your Mom makes an awesome pumpkin pie. It's your favourite treat and you get excited every time she makes it. Years down the road you get married and your spouse is aware how much you liked your mom's pumpkin pie so they decide to make one for you too. Only this pie is nowhere near as good as your mom's was. You don't want to hurt your spouses feelings because you know how much they were trying to make you happy so you act appreciative even though it didn't compare to what you grew up with....and it is still pumpkin pie after all so you still enjoyed it. After years of eating what your spouse prepares for you, even though you know it's not as good as you used to have you get used to it anyway and though it never becomes great....the memory of how good "great" used to be has begun to fade. You still like pumpkin pie but it no longer holds the same excitement it used to when your mom used to make it. That's basically how my sex life felt.

 

Now unfortunately, a co-worker brought a pumpkin pie to work and let me try a piece. After eating her pie....oh man...I'm seeing where this is REALLY a bad example now....no pun intended here...man. Anyway....it turns out this recipe was better than anything I had ever had before and I had to keep going back for more. It became much harder to appreciate what was being made at home after being reminded how I used to enjoy pumpkin pie. Make sense?

 

Oh I read all those BPD articles....yep...that is definately her :-( :-(

[HarmonyHope]

I understand you. The trouble is that the new ecstasy-inducing pie is laced with toxic preservatives and carcinogens. It was served on a plate soaked in LSD (to explain the euphoria). We all know fatty foods are yummy, yet bad for us. So, if we care about our health, we don't eat them. You have the added incentive of warning labels all over the yummy pie explaining its toxicity. So - do you want momentary pleasure of eating the excellent pie and die a slow painful death, or do you seek out a new recipe for your wife to try, or perhaps a new pie-maker all together?

[Spoiled]

Spoiled - I've kept a journal since I was 18. Before I had "the talk" with my W 3 weeks after d-day I went back and re-read everything I had written over the previous 8 years. I knew that it would be unfair to compare the feelings in my highly passionate and intense A to the excitement of an 8 year relationship with a toddler.

 

I had read about how people in A's so often distort the past of their M to make them appear like they were bad all along when they really weren't so I didn't want to let myself fall into that trap.

 

In re-reading all of those all journal entries I found myself talking about all of the activities we had done or all the fun we had together and even the excitement of some of the sexual activities we had done together. It was new, and just "new" in itself can be exciting. There was certainly more passion back then, I wouldn't want to say that there wasn't but the tone of my entries was mostly. Things are great, she's so much fun, so why do I find myself feeling unhappy?

 

This is going to be a really bad comparison since it involves "sex" and "mom"....but it's late and nothing else is coming to mind. Keep in mind if you had read my earlier posts that I was in a very passionate, sexually fulfilling relationship for 7 years before I met my W.

 

Let's say as a kid that your Mom makes an awesome pumpkin pie. It's your favourite treat and you get excited every time she makes it. Years down the road you get married and your spouse is aware how much you liked your mom's pumpkin pie so they decide to make one for you too. Only this pie is nowhere near as good as your mom's was. You don't want to hurt your spouses feelings because you know how much they were trying to make you happy so you act appreciative even though it didn't compare to what you grew up with....and it is still pumpkin pie after all so you still enjoyed it. After years of eating what your spouse prepares for you, even though you know it's not as good as you used to have you get used to it anyway and though it never becomes great....the memory of how good "great" used to be has begun to fade. You still like pumpkin pie but it no longer holds the same excitement it used to when your mom used to make it. That's basically how my sex life felt.

 

Now unfortunately, a co-worker brought a pumpkin pie to work and let me try a piece. After eating her pie....oh man...I'm seeing where this is REALLY a bad example now....no pun intended here...man. Anyway....it turns out this recipe was better than anything I had ever had before and I had to keep going back for more. It became much harder to appreciate what was being made at home after being reminded how I used to enjoy pumpkin pie. Make sense?

 

Oh I read all those BPD articles....yep...that is definately her :-( :-(

 

Yes, there were some excitement in past letters and cards but the content was very different. To my H I wrote much about how I appreciated his caring, respectful, and thoughtful attitude toward me. I was excited about the attention he gave and the fun activities we shared together. Not one letter or card mentioned anything about affection or sex. Nothing about hugs, kisses, or anything. Everything was about fun and his love toward me. After reading, I assume why I was so unhappy. The things that made me fall in love with my H were severely lacking, the attention, thoughtfulness, respect, caring, and quality time. At least you had some exciting sexual moments also.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

I understand you. The trouble is that the new ecstasy-inducing pie is laced with toxic preservatives and carcinogens. It was served on a plate soaked in LSD (to explain the euphoria). We all know fatty foods are yummy, yet bad for us. So, if we care about our health, we don't eat them. You have the added incentive of warning labels all over the yummy pie explaining its toxicity. So - do you want momentary pleasure of eating the excellent pie and die a slow painful death, or do you seek out a new recipe for your wife to try, or perhaps a new pie-maker all together?

 

Unfortunately I'm the type of person who eats chocolate cake for breakfast and then cookies for lunch.

 

I almost feel like I am sitting back and watching myself make one mistake after another until it just all explodes and then I say. "Oh yeah, I knew that was going to happen....this sucks"

[HarmonyHope]

Unfortunately I'm the type of person who eats chocolate cake for breakfast and then cookies for lunch.

 

I almost feel like I am sitting back and watching myself make one mistake after another until it just all explodes and then I say. "Oh yeah, I knew that was going to happen....this sucks"

 

I understand. So why do you think you are sabotaging yourself? Somewhere on some level, you are getting something out of it. Perhaps it's a desire to be punished because of your guilt. Or perhaps you are struggling with feelings of self-worth and are bringing to fruition the chaotic life you feel you deserve.....

[woddah]

Unfortunately I'm the type of person who eats chocolate cake for breakfast and then cookies for lunch.

 

I almost feel like I am sitting back and watching myself make one mistake after another until it just all explodes and then I say. "Oh yeah, I knew that was going to happen....this sucks"

 

When i was deep in this I remember saying something to my T to the effect of... 'I know that being with her is bad, the wrong thing to do and cannot understand why I am doing this, i know how it's going to end'

 

To me this was much more than the affair dynamic discussed here, although simliar, I think it takes someone who has been in a relationship (affair or not) with someone who has a personality disorder to really understand what you are going through inside. Ask your question over at the forums I gave you before and see what they think, they even have sections on making it work with a bpd, if that's what you choose to do.

[joyz]

I left the OW as well so it isn't a case of pining for someone who didn't want me back. It's not so much that I am thinking "what if or so and so". I am where I want to be. I want to be with my wife and kids 10...20 years from now but I don't know why my heart doesn't seem to be falling in line with that.

 

DO,

feelings and reasons are two strong forces. but it seems like in your case, reasoning is the stronger of the two. If you were with the OW, you would have the opposite problem (your mind not being in line).

 

we all wish to be with someone we connect the most in all levels, but you have what you have. since you've already made a decision, why not make the best out of what you have? indecision will only cause more hurt.