She has no interest in sex w/me and won't see doctor, does she even love me?

[boxdiver]

Point blank:

 

My partner claims to love me. However, after having sex with me regularly for the first two years, sex tapered off. We're at the point where we do it once every two weeks, and it's so plain that it's not even worth it sometimes (she doesn't want to take any clothes off, wants it in the complete dark, etc.)

 

She says she has no interest in sex but does it for me. Yet, she won't even go to a doctor to check and see if there is a hormonal imbalance and refuses to go to a sex counselor.

 

Can she possibly love me if she doesn't care about my physical needs, or even make an attempt to see if there is something going on with her?

[glitchathon]

So I take it you did not end it with her, as you mentioned you would in your previous thread?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=207012

[LucreziaBorgia]

A relationship cannot work if only one person sees a problem and wants to work on it. She clearly is happy with things the way they are, and sees no reason to change, and no consequences if she doesn't. So... she isn't going to. She may just be one of those women whose sex drive naturally coasts to zero in a long term relationship, and can happily go the rest of the relationship not wanting or needing sex.

 

So, what to do? She won't change so your options are limited: stay and suffer or go and find someone who will be more of a complete package for you.

[asireen]

your options are limited: stay and suffer or go and find someone who will be more of a complete package for you.

 

Time to pack up and bye-bye.

But you can continue to be 'just friends'

[JustLooking123]

If you have to ask "does she even love me?", chances are the relationship is over.

[OneTwo]

Just like all the other threads on here about women who won't have sex with their boyfriends/husbands - she has lost interest. You need to become more interesting or start over with someone else. You cannot control what she does. You can only control what you do. Improve yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually, and then you will be ready to make a decision.

[idfriendly]

We're at the point where we do it once every two weeks, and it's so plain that it's not even worth it sometimes (she doesn't want to take any clothes off, wants it in the complete dark, etc.)

 

Only having sex in the dark and not wanting to undress sounds like she has body image issues. Maybe she doesn't enjoy sex because she doesn't feel good about herself. Have you maybe unwittingly given her the impression that you don't find her as attractive? Maybe what she needs is some reassurance that you still think she's hot.

[hopeful1980]

Just like all the other threads on here about women who won't have sex with their boyfriends/husbands - she has lost interest. You need to become more interesting or start over with someone else. You cannot control what she does. You can only control what you do. Improve yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually, and then you will be ready to make a decision.

 

I agree with this. She sounds like she isn't attracted to boxdiver anymore. She's probably bored.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I agree with this. She sounds like she isn't attracted to boxdiver anymore. She's probably bored.

 

The woman is always bored of them, they have to spice up things, be more romantic, a better listener, help around the house more, be more assertive......

 

Blah blah blah......

[hopeful1980]

The woman is always bored of them, they have to spice up things, be more romantic, a better listener, help around the house more, be more assertive......

 

Blah blah blah......

 

I didn't say that. You assumed. Personally I feel as though it's HER responsibility to spice things up. If she is the one who is bored, she is the only one who knows how to fix things. She has to take ownership of her own happiness in the marriage and figure out a way to make things better for the both of them.

 

But alas, she is not the one posting here so it's pointless to say these things. The only thing the OP can do is change himself because to try and change another person is an act of futility.

[EnigmasMuse]

The woman is always bored of them, they have to spice up things, be more romantic, a better listener, help around the house more, be more assertive......

 

Blah blah blah......

 

 

What yours advice on the solution?

[Malenfant]

i dont really see how anyone can assume that it is

a) boxdivers fault or

b) her fault

 

it seems that often here, people want to be able to specifically point out the man or woman to be at fault.

I dont see how blaming certain parties can be constructive at all.

 

i would say that if a problem develops in a relationship that was not there before, its down to a change in the dynamic. Of course, its usually instigated by one person, but not necessarily on purpose.

 

sometimes people do just change, and when the other partner realises something is different, they either blame themselves or the other person.

 

Ultimately, i dont believe anyone would purposely change the dynamic of a happy relationship.

 

OP asks if she can still love him, well i think that it is totally possible to love someone without wanting to have sex.

 

I personally spent years in a practically sex-free relationship and would have not taken kindly to people telling me i didnt love him, or vice versa.

 

It sounds to me like she is just not feeling sexual in general, why, of course I cannot say but its is a problem because you need the intimacy that you had before.

 

Unfortunately if she is not willing to talk properly about it, or see a councellor, that to me indicates that there is a bigger problem here, and that is what I would be worried about, the fact that she's not willing to try to change back.

 

Without openess your relationship is on rocky ground. its the openess that needs to be addressed here, and that in turn would hopefully lead to the both of you getting back to normal.

 

I think she sees your attempts to get her to see a therapist as just a way of getting more sex. In her present mindset, this will not go down well, and its making her feel even less sexy.

 

is there a way that you can tell her that its not just about sex, but about sharing intimate moments. that its not just about the sexual urge, but that you feel shut out of her innermost feelings?

 

but if you are only after more sex, and not so concerned with her emotional wellbeing then you will both be at loggerheads over this issue.

[mem11363]

Malenfant,

They are WAY past that. He has threatened to break the engagement because they are so intensely out of synch sexually.

 

This has been going on 7 years. She is confident he is just going to whine about it some more - like he has for the last 6 plus years and marry her anyway.

 

 

 

i dont really see how anyone can assume that it is

a) boxdivers fault or

b) her fault

 

it seems that often here, people want to be able to specifically point out the man or woman to be at fault.

I dont see how blaming certain parties can be constructive at all.

 

i would say that if a problem develops in a relationship that was not there before, its down to a change in the dynamic. Of course, its usually instigated by one person, but not necessarily on purpose.

 

sometimes people do just change, and when the other partner realises something is different, they either blame themselves or the other person.

 

Ultimately, i dont believe anyone would purposely change the dynamic of a happy relationship.

 

OP asks if she can still love him, well i think that it is totally possible to love someone without wanting to have sex.

 

I personally spent years in a practically sex-free relationship and would have not taken kindly to people telling me i didnt love him, or vice versa.

 

It sounds to me like she is just not feeling sexual in general, why, of course I cannot say but its is a problem because you need the intimacy that you had before.

 

Unfortunately if she is not willing to talk properly about it, or see a councellor, that to me indicates that there is a bigger problem here, and that is what I would be worried about, the fact that she's not willing to try to change back.

 

Without openess your relationship is on rocky ground. its the openess that needs to be addressed here, and that in turn would hopefully lead to the both of you getting back to normal.

 

I think she sees your attempts to get her to see a therapist as just a way of getting more sex. In her present mindset, this will not go down well, and its making her feel even less sexy.

 

is there a way that you can tell her that its not just about sex, but about sharing intimate moments. that its not just about the sexual urge, but that you feel shut out of her innermost feelings?

 

but if you are only after more sex, and not so concerned with her emotional wellbeing then you will both be at loggerheads over this issue.

[Malenfant]

Malenfant,

They are WAY past that. He has threatened to break the engagement because they are so intensely out of synch sexually.

 

This has been going on 7 years. She is confident he is just going to whine about it some more - like he has for the last 6 plus years and marry her anyway.

 

Oh, i stand corrected.

[mem11363]

I should have mentioned that I only know this because he explained it all in a long thread a month or so back.

 

I am not sure why he started a new thread with very limited info.

 

Boxdiver - are you hoping to get a different answer this time by sharing less information then you did the first time?

 

 

Oh, i stand corrected.

[Malenfant]

I should have mentioned that I only know this because he explained it all in a long thread a month or so back.

 

I am not sure why he started a new thread with very limited info.

 

Boxdiver - are you hoping to get a different answer this time by sharing less information then you did the first time?

 

thats ok! i was only playing.

 

TBH its like i have a friend who for ages was in the same situation. she'd always ask me what she should do, and being a friend, i gave my advice. i didnt tell her what to do, just said how i felt.

 

but she never listened, thats fine, people dont have to take my advice but then she'd ask again another time, and another, and another. after about the 4th time i found it annoying. if you didnt like what i said the first time, why ask again?

 

I think thats how you're feeling?

[mem11363]

Yes - perfectly said.

 

TBH I also cannot imagine ending a 7 year R - but then I would never have stayed w/someone 7 years when I knew we had a core area of incompatibility that had no work around.

 

thats ok! i was only playing.

 

TBH its like i have a friend who for ages was in the same situation. she'd always ask me what she should do, and being a friend, i gave my advice. i didnt tell her what to do, just said how i felt.

 

but she never listened, thats fine, people dont have to take my advice but then she'd ask again another time, and another, and another. after about the 4th time i found it annoying. if you didnt like what i said the first time, why ask again?

 

I think thats how you're feeling?