torranceshipman Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Hi, you mentioned that book elsewhere on Loveshack. I downloaded it out of curiosity but it really made my toes curl. It is so CONSERVATIVE, and sexist. I definitely understand that it is important to be a pleasant, attractive partner for one's spouse but it goes in both directions I think. We all like to be admired, loved and taken care for but I think that a mature man has to be able to put his pride in perspective. The one thing I absolutely think is very wrong in this book, is that it discourages women to have a professional career. Anno 2009, this is simply unacceptable. I mean, what a waste of money, resources and brains to have girls pursue studies only to turn them into stay at home moms afterwards. This said, I have sometimes noticed that some men react in a negative way when they hear what job I am doing. It is a job with a lot of status, job security and a very good income. But when you meet someone, often one of the first questions is what you do for a living? I don't brag about it but I don't want to lie about it either. It would be like saying that you are a nurse when you are in reality a doctor... I would think that a mature man will appreciate the fact that his partner has an interesting professional career. It does not make a woman less a woman... I always find it a bit easy when people say that cheating happens because needs are not being met. It is also everyone's responsibility to express their needs, this is valid for men and women. I totally agree with walkinthepark...many men might be threatened by a successful woman (etc) but a man who will resent you for your success is unlikely to be the right man for you. Link to post Share on other sites
lori22 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Hi scared09 if it is possible would he consider finding another job??? I am a ow who was M at the time and invloved with a mm who was a co worker of mine,we started off in a ea ended it and 6 months later as we were still working together started up our ea again 1 month into the ea we went into a pa. You need to be very careful if he will continue to worther with her and just becaise he is trying to stay away from her does not mean she will honor your M or your wishes and stay away from him.Women are BAD she might try harder to win him over,find excuses to be around him,act as if she is so concerned of him thats what I did and that is how our a started again. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Umm why are you worried about appearing the "jealous, consumed, wife"? Of course you are jealous and consumed among other things you can't find words for. He shouldn't even ASK you if YOU think he should stop talking to her -- That is a given!! He has cheated you out of the most important part of a relationship (emotional communication). Now your trust is damaged, and he'd best start earning it back by getting rid of her...or your marriage is doomed. THIS is not your fault! You do not owe him the option to continue with her. You have the right to defend your pain of betrayal. It was his choice, he knew exactly what he was doing. He just thought you would never find out....foolish...foolish man. Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 As an addition...sadly I agree with some posters about the male ego thing. I only really like to date successful men, who out earn me, to avoid this potential problem from rearing its ugly head... I hear you! You know, my xMM worked for the same organisation as myself and that really was a relief. Also because he really seemed to appreciate the fact that I had managed to have a good career. The only thing I find odd (and worrying) about him is that his W is a stay at home mom. It makes me wonder if that is what he ultimately wants. It's an exceptional situation though as they have a disabled child. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 I hear you! You know, my xMM worked for the same organisation as myself and that really was a relief. Also because he really seemed to appreciate the fact that I had managed to have a good career. The only thing I find odd (and worrying) about him is that his W is a stay at home mom. It makes me wonder if that is what he ultimately wants. It's an exceptional situation though as they have a disabled child. I've dated a couple of guys (and known a few as friends) in the past, who swear blind that they appreciate an intelligent, successful woman, but....end up getting serious with a completely different type. I wonder if sometimes the difference between what a guy can respect and find attractive, and what they feel comfortable with on a more permanent basis (due to male ego and pride) can be really different things....I'd say my boyfriend is the only guy that genuinely isn't like this - he wants a strong, successful woman, but I suppose I can't really know for sure, as he is more successful than me work wise (in terms of earning level, etc), has an extremely high level of education, etc, so couldn't possibly have his ego hurt by me! Link to post Share on other sites
bwinky Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 I really appreciate this conversation.I am not yet the "other woman" in an emotional affair but I feel like I may be playing w/fire. I need to "feel " the hurt of this behaviour so I can gain the strength to stop.I see women in the store that"could be" his wife and ask myself if I could devastate this poor woman like that, and I feel horrible.I'm mostly on a "see this from her side" quest so that I can gain the strength to do the right thing. I am in a loveless marriage and my co-worker is nicer to me than any man has ever been.He is a decent and kind man, so I can't believe this will be hard to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 BWinky, I urge you not to go down that path. It is a misery. One of always "having your nose to the window" because by the very nature of the relationship, the OW is always on the periphery, waiting. I really don't like what these men do. They really want to have their cake and eat it too. The wife at home doing all the drudgery and the OW for excitement. And they always do this, poor me, she just doesn't understand me, appreciate me, I don't love her, blah, blah, blah....it's always the same. The woman ends up putting her life on "hold" and he gets TWO women. Every man's dream.. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Hi, I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years and dated him 9 years before that. I always thought we had the type of marriage people dreamed of, and I was often told that as wekk. However, he started to act very distant over the last 3 weeks. He also was very guarded of his phone (with email capability) which was very abnormal. I asked him if everything was ok, and he insisted it was. However, the other night, I did look at his phone while he was sleeping. I came across a series of emails between him and a co-worker that were extremely affectionate - devastating actually. After I threw-up from shock, I confronted him about the messages and asked him to explain them. It was very difficult for him to talk to me about it. To sum it up, he basically said that he felt he was in a rut in our relationship (had been for some time) and didn't think he was at the "next level" of our relationship like I was(still trying to understand what that means). He said he was very confused b/c he insists that I am "perfect" and he couldn't understand why he would feel that way. He also expressed that it has been difficult for him to open up to me emotionally. Now, for the messages, he says that he had become good friends with this co-worker. She was the only "normal" one at work and they would often vent with each other about work stuff. They began going to lunch twice or three times a week. Well, they steadily became closer and she began to reveal some of the frustrations in her marriage. Well, apparently this opened the door for him to confide in her about his frustrations in our marriage. They are having an emotional affair. My husband insists it has not gotten physical (yet). He claims that they have become very close and that she is a very good person. He is able to open up to her emotionally and they boost each other up. However, the emotional part is just as devastating to me. I didn't realize when I confronted him that this was the issue. But now that I have had time to think about it and do some reading, I know this is what is going on. My biggest fear is that he doesn't realize this, and will ultimately choose her. He did say that our marriage is worth saving, but I don't know if I believe him. The emails that I read were absolutely devastating, and it really hurts. I have never heard my husband write/speak like he did in these emails. He is away this weekend at a family event. I have asked him to think about what is going on and if he really wants to work on us. As I mentioned above, I wish I would have known this was an EA as I would have talked to him about it. My biggest fear is that he will come back and think that what he has with her is more important. He did ask me when I confronted him if I wanted him to stop talking to her, and I stupidly said "No" trying not to be the jealous, consumed wife. However, I now realize this is the only way for us to get our marriage back. I don't know what caused the rut that my husband is in. I am a very successful business woman - and the bread winner for the family. Sometimes I think that he never saw us in the position we are in (living in Suburbia, me with a really good job, him with an average job he is over-qualified for). He swears that this isn't the problem, but I can't help but think it somehow is related. As I mentioned before, I am crazy about him and always thought he felt the same way - never any reason to think otherwise until about 3 weeks ago. Do you think there is still a chance for our marriage? Every M has a chance....it depends on the two people and what they can forgive and handle, and really what do the two of you want and expect. Cheating on any level is unacceptable as that is a game....games are for board games, dice and things...not for peoples hearts and minds. You are a very insightful woman that reads people well, controling others is not your style, this is why policing him wouldn't work...you don't need to do that because you "know". I never have agreed with "telling" the WS what they can and cannot do....personally every time I have been cheated on, I felt that was a loud message to me and I was gone. Although those that choose to stay mostlikely I would say that if the WS were to have any type of a R with the OW, I am gone. The WS will do what they want...telling them not to talk to the OW is redundant, most will just wait till the dust settles and go right back, all the while telling the OW lies as to why communication has wained....in your case though he doesn't have to lie to his OW.... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 You know in reading your OP there was more about "his feelings" than yours! HE feels the R is in a rut....ok, so instead of talking to YOU about that, he partners up with a co-worker....I would tell him to kiss my.... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I don't mean to sound uncool or mean, although it's the male ego that gets them into A's in the first place...low self esteem, needing someone to "stroke" their egos....actually these men (or women) need to grow up and quit being selfish and self-centered....feeding this is enabling them to continue to abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
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