Be taken advantage of.

[2sunny]

cobra. things arent right with my H. not by a long shot. but we're trying. working towards it. hoping that things we will end up together in the end.

 

i think for me its hard to process that he took advantage because with that means his motives werent because he was in love with me. obviously he wasnt because he wouldnt have ended it the way he did.

 

its hard to admit that youre weak, vulnerable. but i guess i am. if i wasnt i would be able to shut this all out of my mind and move on.

 

if you're truly trying to repair the marriage you need to stop thinking about the MM and start thinking more of your husband.

 

you hurt him, you have work to do to repair what you've ruined... it won't happen until you get past the thoughts of wondering and worrying about what the MM was/is thinking and feeling.

 

to move forward and to heal - you will have to get past the past and start moving to a better future. you need to make it new, fresh and this involves change. if you are stuck thinking about MM that can't possibly leave you much time to consider how to make it better with your husband.

 

what is it you choose?

[OWoman]

I just saw that DI already posted what I was going to say, but thought I'd add this: it's also more than just about you.

 

It's about protecting a sanitised society, one where vulnerable young things do not knowingly go out and seduce older, married men. They stick to the role written for them, and play their part meekly and diligently and don't rock the boat.

 

I once counselled an adult survivor of child sexual abuse. She had been 12 at the time she fell pregnant to her schoolteacher. The child was given up for adoption, the teacher jailed for life for statutory rape, and the girl had been in and out of institutions ever since. When I saw her, she had recently come out of rehab and was trying to make a go of her life, but really struggling because her therapist - as therapists before her - had kept painting her a victim, insisting that it wasn't her fault, that she could have done little if anything to prevent it... while she was really struggling to be heard. She told me that she'd seduced him - he'd turned her down several times, he had a fiancee and a young child - but she persisted, getting him drunk and pretty much forcing him into it, after long and sustained effort. She found the denial of her agency, and the enforced victimhood, more damaging and diminishing than the "rape". I counselled her for a long time, and at the end of it she was happy to accept that he WAS in the wrong for having sex with her - whether or not she wanted it, it was against the law, he was her teacher which made it unethical AND he was governed by a code of conduct outlawing such behaviour... so long as his culpability did not erase her own agency. Once she made peace with that, she went to visit him in prison and came back to tell me how important it had been for both of them, for their healing, allowing them both to move on.

 

My point is - his culpability doesn't have to erase your responsibility for your own actions in this. They can both exist side by side. He transgressed. You transgressed. It isn't a zero-sum game where his guilt lets you off scot free. So why should your guilt let him off scot free, OTOH?

[Deanster]

hmmmm... difficult question.

 

In general, I'd say that it's all about his motivation. Was he helping you with the intent to seduce you, or as an exchange of favors, or a legitimate attempt to help, that would have occurred with or without any prospects of a relationship?

 

To me, 'taking advantage of' requires either a responsibility to avoid the relationship - the situation with a minor, above, is a great example; it doesn't matter WHAT a 14 year old does in terms of pushing, serving alcohol, etc - there's no consent possible, and there's an active responsibility on the part of the adult to stop it; or an active attempt to use your vulnerable state for unilateral benefit.

 

To me, your situation sounds pretty 'normal' - you had a crisis, worked through it with a colleague, became close as part of that, moved into an A together, the realities of the situation intruded, and it ended poorly.

 

None of that requires that he's a bad guy, or in some way cynically trying to manipulate you. I also think that the requirement that for him to be a 'good guy' would require that he put you and your welfare first through the entire situation is a false argument. Clearly, that would be desirable, but we all balance, and even when trying to do the best we can for everyone involved, whether it's people we work with, our children, spouses, etc - someone often ends up getting the short end of the stick, even if we're good and caring people. Without knowing what he was trying to balance, it's hard to evaluate his level of 'good guy-ness'.

 

Long story short, I'm ALL for acknowledging people for all that they are. Faults, errors, unskilled behavior or attempts to solve a problem, and all that's good. By getting involved with someone with whom there's a workplace power imbalance, he's crossed a major line. Happens every day, but he's always going to take the heat for it, from anyone who hears about the situation.

[pizzagirl]

there seems to be all this focus on a MM who may or may not have abused his position to take advantage of a young married women in his employ. I will not give an opinion on that other than i find it interesting how you minimize the input that is negative of this person and how you minimize your Husband in all this as well. So is he "supportive" of your behavior or are you getting divorced.

You still seem attached to this "wonderful mentor" who was all so willing to damage your marriage and found a willing partner. To say that you are still confiding in your husband about this sleaze and he actually listens says he is either a Saint or a Martyr, Any man that would listen to his wife talk about or dismiss any talk and want to emphasize the merits of this sleazebag seems to have been begging for abuse himself. If he had boundaries himself he would have probably kicked you to the curb.

 

This story has Nothing to do with the older sleazebag. This story has to do with a young woman who seems bent on protecting the "good name" of an affair partner and unwilling to hear any criticism and dismiss any affect this has on the man she chose to marry. Sounds like he has zero respect for himself.

[fooled once]

cobra. things arent right with my H. not by a long shot. but we're trying. working towards it. hoping that things we will end up together in the end.

 

i think for me its hard to process that he took advantage because with that means his motives werent because he was in love with me. obviously he wasnt because he wouldnt have ended it the way he did.

 

its hard to admit that youre weak, vulnerable. but i guess i am. if i wasnt i would be able to shut this all out of my mind and move on.

 

That is SOOO true!!!