What About The Kids of the MM/MW?

[justforfun]

There are similarities of course. Thank you for pointing them out.

 

But there are also differences.

 

MM is a short term fling. His children are 2 and 3 years old. This will be done before they are 3 and 4. So they will likely have no memory of things Daddy did to get out of the house etc

 

I was 10 years old when it started. It went on for 13 years. I can real of endless lists of times my Mother lied to and deceived me. Places she took me to, emotions she had...memories of comforting my Mother when she was crying over something and since find out it had nothing to do with what she said it was. Sending me places, going places, doing things together. Having Mother and daughter days shopping for clothes together. Then finding out she was shopping for a 'date' with him.

 

The list is endless and of varying degrees of deceit. But I think you can now see the differences as well as the similarities.

 

Wow how sad. Seriously. You have such pain from your mom's affair and yet there you are having an affair with a mm knowing the pain it causes children. Very sad.

[justforfun]

You even managed to ensnare a mm who is just like your mom. Congratulations!

 

They are both having sex outside of their marriage. But the situations are very different. Thanks for digging up the post. No need to, really. It's a public forum and I have been open and honest here and anybody who cares to piece my stories together is more able to by themselves.

 

You don't have to agree with what I do. You don't have to like what I do. But you don't have to drop in for a mudslinging match either.

[justforfun]

Thanks herenow.

 

I do think it has affected me. Not in so much as I grew up in a home where there was infidelity. Because at the time I didn't know.

 

I never swore I would never have an affair. But I have sworn I would never betray my child like that. Because that's what I took from it and that is what has stayed with me. My Mother not only betrayed me. She unknowingly made me a conspirator.

 

It would be interesting (and probably difficult) to explore how that pain and feeling of betrayal has impacted my life. I think that is something I would want to know.

 

 

And this thread may be part of her therapy. As strange as it may sound, children who grow up in families where infidelity has taken place are likely to repeat the behavior even if it has caused them pain in the past. Learned behavior. Again, kind of like growing up with an alcoholic.

 

My H has an addictive personally. He is now working a 12 step program to help him deal with it. HIs mother had affairs and he swore he would never do the same to his wife. Guess what, he did, it's in his blood. He has made the choice to do something about it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have seen so many posts about how the MM?MW stay for the kids. And it seems that the general consensus is that it's good for the kids.

 

I have to disagree.

 

I'll have to agree with you in this thread. its not good for the kids to stay in a home where one or both parents is miserable.

 

I originally thought the opposite. I didn't want to break up my kid's home, but then I realized that I wasn't that would be doing it.

 

my kids now see a happier father, and I can enjoy my time with them much more without her in the picture.

[NoIDidn't]

They are both having sex outside of their marriage. But the situations are very different. Thanks for digging up the post. No need to, really. It's a public forum and I have been open and honest here and anybody who cares to piece my stories together is more able to by themselves.

 

You don't have to agree with what I do. You don't have to like what I do. But you don't have to drop in for a mudslinging match either.

 

I am sure that you don't like the manner in which GG brought your past to your present, but HN is really saying the same thing.

 

It has affected you. Thirteen years or one year, it doesn't matter.

 

My dad is a serial cheater, but my mother cancelled the wedding when I was conceived. And her suspicions proved correct by the time I was three. They ended entirely then. Like your MM's kids, I don't remember - but I know.

 

And I think that is all GG is saying. Given what you feel now, why assist him in doing this to his children. They may not remember it, but they WILL feel the effects of it for the rest of their lives. Trust me. I didn't even grow up with my dad, and I have felt his abandonment of me for some other woman my whole life. His selfishness is a whole 'nother forum all by itself.

 

I am very sorry for what you feel your mom did to you and your memories of your childhood. I can certainly relate because of my dad. I remember the visitation weekends that he would "forget" to pick me up, because he was with one of his many OW. Or, being asked not to tell my (of the moment) stepmom about a stop we made at some woman's house. Or, how he threw me into his lies at the last minute and me not quite knowing what to say when my stepmom would ask me about it when he went away.

[NoIDidn't]

I'll have to agree with you in this thread. its not good for the kids to stay in a home where one or both parents is miserable.

 

I originally thought the opposite. I didn't want to break up my kid's home, but then I realized that I wasn't that would be doing it.

 

my kids now see a happier father, and I can enjoy my time with them much more without her in the picture.

 

 

All this time, I don't think I've ever seen you post that you had kids with your ex. I hope her OM didn't hit her in front of the kids!

[justforfun]

Please don't think I'm trying to argue with you or minimize what I am doing. But like me, your situation went on for many years. You were aware of it, I wasn't. But when I found out, as I said, I was devasted. I had years of life that I had to question. What was real and what was part of her A.

 

MM's children are far to young to ever know about me. I don't suppose he'll stop after we are over. I suspect his wife will eventually leave him. In which case there will be an impact on the kids. I'm just saying that my affair with him right now isn't something they'll know about or ever remember. As I said I'm not trying to justify it. Just explain how I think my experience was different.

 

I also don't think it has led to my sleeping with a MM. What I felt was not about the affair. It wasn't her infidelity. That's something my Dad felt. It was the lies, deceit and betrayal. My whole life, or 13 years of it, felt like it had been a lie. Especially since she did things that in hindsight had made me a co-conspirator. I didn't know which parts of my life had been real and which had been a lie to cover her relationship with him. It was the destruction of so many happy memories.

 

You see he was a relative of my Father's. He was around a lot. He even stayed with us for a couple of months. He was in my life and in my home. So, there were memories of him too that were tainted. Fun times and happy times.

 

I am sure that you don't like the manner in which GG brought your past to your present, but HN is really saying the same thing.

 

It has affected you. Thirteen years or one year, it doesn't matter.

 

My dad is a serial cheater, but my mother cancelled the wedding when I was conceived. And her suspicions proved correct by the time I was three. They ended entirely then. Like your MM's kids, I don't remember - but I know.

 

And I think that is all GG is saying. Given what you feel now, why assist him in doing this to his children. They may not remember it, but they WILL feel the effects of it for the rest of their lives. Trust me. I didn't even grow up with my dad, and I have felt his abandonment of me for some other woman my whole life. His selfishness is a whole 'nother forum all by itself.

 

I am very sorry for what you feel your mom did to you and your memories of your childhood. I can certainly relate because of my dad. I remember the visitation weekends that he would "forget" to pick me up, because he was with one of his many OW. Or, being asked not to tell my (of the moment) stepmom about a stop we made at some woman's house. Or, how he threw me into his lies at the last minute and me not quite knowing what to say when my stepmom would ask me about it when he went away.

[skylarblue]

I have seen so many posts about how the MM?MW stay for the kids. And it seems that the general consensus is that it's good for the kids.

 

 

Staying in a M “for the kids” if it’s really just “for the kids” is a bad idea. I believe it’s just an excuse for the majority of people who say it. As I stated previously, it’s better to be raised in two happy, healthy one-parent households than one unhealthy, miserable two-parent household. And I agree, what child would like to think that their parents chose to be in an unhappy M because of them. I also “thought I grew up in a two parent home with relatively happy parents. But I didn't. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with lies and deceit permeating everything.” I began to realize it wasn’t so happy at about 9y/o. I remember my mother telling me we (the family) had to put up with whatever my father did otherwise he would leave us, and we couldn’t survive with him. Pretty tough thing for a child to be told. Even tougher to put up with. I never thought about it before until now, but that’s EXACTLY how I feel about my MM’s W and BWs in general. I even stated in posts before that if a BW isn’t going to leave WS she should “shut up and take it” (guess I have an idea where that comes from)...In the end everything fell apart anyway.

[OWoman]

No one stays just for the kids.

 

My parents did. It had nothing to do with "comfort" and everything to do with "duty". Perhaps that's hard to imagine from the vantage point of the "me generation" where everything is about comfort and personal benefit, but back then it was the norm (at least in my country. I can't speak about other cultures which I wasn't exposed to back then).

[OpenBook]

My parents did. It had nothing to do with "comfort" and everything to do with "duty". Perhaps that's hard to imagine from the vantage point of the "me generation" where everything is about comfort and personal benefit, but back then it was the norm (at least in my country. I can't speak about other cultures which I wasn't exposed to back then).

 

Yup, it was that way here in America too - at least in my experience. I sometimes wonder how much "duty" came into play that kept my parents together. I know it was a major factor in other marriages of their generation. It's certainly way less of a factor in today's marriages.

 

That said, I'm not convinced that WS's are as unhappy in their M's as they say they are. It's more like cake-eating; they'll cheat if they can get away with it. To have the opportunity to get ALL their needs met - well, a lot of folks out there just can't resist it. Human nature.

 

It does make me laugh, though, when people assume a WS still loves their BS. Cheating on them sure is a funny way of showing it.

[bentnotbroken]

Yup, it was that way here in America too - at least in my experience. I sometimes wonder how much "duty" came into play that kept my parents together. I know it was a major factor in other marriages of their generation. It's certainly way less of a factor in today's marriages.

 

That said, I'm not convinced that WS's are as unhappy in their M's as they say they are. It's more like cake-eating; they'll cheat if they can get away with it. To have the opportunity to get ALL their needs met - well, a lot of folks out there just can't resist it. Human nature.

 

It does make me laugh, though, when people assume a WS still loves their BS. Cheating on them sure is a funny way of showing it.

 

 

They love themselves....if you can call that love.

[Dexter Morgan]

All this time' date=' I don't think I've ever seen you post that you had kids with your ex. I hope her OM didn't hit her in front of the kids![/quote']

 

nope, did it on my weekends with them. the reason he hit her, because she has cheated in the past:lmao: Well duh, what ever gave him that idea. LOL

 

and I consulted my attorney, he said that if I used that as a basis to get my kids, all she would have to do is move him out and say, "i got rid of him"....only to move him back in later on and say he has changed.

 

I have to show a pattern and repeated abuse where she refuses to get him out of the house. she lied about what happened anyway, made up a lame excuse about falling into an end table.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think a lot of them stay because they don't want to demote themselves down to a part time parent. They would miss their kids and feel guilty about leaving them. They have their own best interests in mind. If they had the kid's best interests in mind they would be doing whatever it took to fix the dysfunction even if it meant moving out so that the kids could have two happy parents apart rather than two miserable ones together.

[NoIDidn't]

Please don't think I'm trying to argue with you or minimize what I am doing. But like me, your situation went on for many years. You were aware of it, I wasn't. But when I found out, as I said, I was devasted. I had years of life that I had to question. What was real and what was part of her A.

 

MM's children are far to young to ever know about me. I don't suppose he'll stop after we are over. I suspect his wife will eventually leave him. In which case there will be an impact on the kids. I'm just saying that my affair with him right now isn't something they'll know about or ever remember. As I said I'm not trying to justify it. Just explain how I think my experience was different.

 

I also don't think it has led to my sleeping with a MM. What I felt was not about the affair. It wasn't her infidelity. That's something my Dad felt. It was the lies, deceit and betrayal. My whole life, or 13 years of it, felt like it had been a lie. Especially since she did things that in hindsight had made me a co-conspirator. I didn't know which parts of my life had been real and which had been a lie to cover her relationship with him. It was the destruction of so many happy memories.

 

You see he was a relative of my Father's. He was around a lot. He even stayed with us for a couple of months. He was in my life and in my home. So, there were memories of him too that were tainted. Fun times and happy times.

 

You are definitely right about the perceptions when you know about the cheating vs. finding out about it after years of not knowing.

 

I hated my father for a very long time. His utter disrespect and use of woman as objects made me feel very unloved by him. I can only imagine how you feel about your mother's betrayal of your trust for the years she hid the affair from you and used your innocence to help her continue in it.

 

It brings back many angry memories to write about this. I won't lie about that.

 

It really sucked that a lot of these women had kids in my neighborhood and went to school with me. I became that man's daughter and was severely disliked by those kids only because of the way that he had stomped on their mother's hearts in his philandering.

 

I know that many OW here feel that I just hate them and what they are doing to the betrayed's family - but that is so far from the case. I really do have a heart for everyone in these triangles because I have lived the fallout since birth. Both of my parents were conceived in affairs. Both went on to have affairs. My mom was severely hurt in her affair emotionally. I don't think she ever recovered from his lies of divorced and that he left us with a disabled child that he never helped her out with.

 

But my dad just took it to a whole 'nother level.

[White Flower]

I have seen so many posts about how the MM?MW stay for the kids. And it seems that the general consensus is that it's good for the kids.

 

I have to disagree. When it came out that my Mother had been having an affair for at least half of my parents marriage I was devastated. I felt betrayed. My whole life after it started was a lie. I no longer knew what had been genuine and what had been about him. I played over situations and times in my head and realized that those were times when it had been about him. It was the most painful experience of my life to find out my childhood and my teens had all been a charade. I thought I grew up in a two parent home with relatively happy parents. But I didn't. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with lies and deceit permeating everything.

 

The pain was so bad that even after my father had forgiven her I couldn't speak to her. It wasn't because I hated her. It was because it hurt so much to look at her. It was physical and mental pain.

 

Even though we have a relationship now it will never be the same. How can it be? My Mother took the life I though I knew away from me. My Mother is the person that has hurt me more than anything or anyone else in this world.

You will be fine. Forgive her and talk to her about it. She may tell you things you simply don't understand right now. My father cheated, and later in life he was able to explain why. His story blew me away.

 

If you can't forgive her for her, forgive her for you. Holding on to that kind of heartbreak isn't good for you.

[Heather1]

JFF....

For some reason, I knew my Dad cheated my whole childhood. I remember the blow out when I was 7 and my half sister was born & put up for adoption. My Mom's paycheck got attached (which is how she found out) when he wouldn't pay expenses for the OW. They stayed married for 19 years, with hardly a good memory of my family life really. My life was good though, despite my family. My dad hit on my friends when I was a teen (& my parents were still married). I had to protect my friends. Do I hate him for it? No. I'm estranged because he's a narcissist, and I just can't let him take me down when he goes. He's created a miserable life for himself. I'm not attracted to men like him, but I am attracted to men who grew up with narcissist's for Dads. We connect, and I can really relate. That's my weak spot.

I hope you can forgive your Mom & just think of the good memories she brought to the table. The selfish thing would have been for her to take off with this man & really do some damage. You had some great memories too, more than probably most of us have had. You should cherish those & recognize your Mom as human. We all do the best we can. I wish I wasn't in this A for my kids sake alone. I put them in a different spot in my heart. I've never missed a concert, school event, sports event, emergency room visit or anything else concerning my kids because of my A. I'm actually happier & more active now than I was before I met this man. I used to dread my days.

Staying for the kids in my parents m was a mistake. In my situation, yeah, I'm going to stay for my kids. I just hope they don't resent me later because I sacrificed being with someone who makes me REALLY happy most of the time, by being with their Dad & not shattering their world. I hope this all makes sense?

[justforfun]

I think a lot of them stay because they don't want to demote themselves down to a part time parent. They would miss their kids and feel guilty about leaving them.

 

I think that's it in a nutshell! That makes sense for the my situation anyway. MM does just enough to maintain the home and to keep his wife from leaving him. He is looking to stay as a FT dad. He would miss his kids more than anything and feel guilty about leaving them. I've been trying to put it into words and that is perfect!

 

 

And it applies to Mom in some respects. She didn't want to expose herself and lose the 'family life' that she had. My parents were successful, had their own business, and were well respected in that community. She would have lost her 'status' and changed the way people thought about her. That was so important to her. She had too much to lose in terms of the things that she valued.

 

In her case it wasn't being demoted to a single parent because we know that in most situations the child is awarded to the mother. However, she always said that if she and Dad divorced I would stay with him. Something I would have been happy about.

 

So, she wouldn't have been able to take being 'demoted' but in a different way. It happened eventually anyway and to this day I don't think she has gotten over losing that status.

[justforfun]

You will be fine. Forgive her and talk to her about it. She may tell you things you simply don't understand right now. My father cheated, and later in life he was able to explain why. His story blew me away.

 

If you can't forgive her for her, forgive her for you. Holding on to that kind of heartbreak isn't good for you.

 

I understand what you are saying. But it's not a case of forgiving her. I'm scared of her. I get anxious when I am around her. When she visits it takes a couple of months to get over here visits. I've got this fear of what will she do or say next to hurt me. She's a snarky Queen B anyway. Then when she says or does something to upset me then she acts all hurt and in pain that I would even consider she was behaving in that way.

 

It's a really odd situation, I know.

[justforfun]

JFF....

For some reason, I knew my Dad cheated my whole childhood. I remember the blow out when I was 7 and my half sister was born & put up for adoption. My Mom's paycheck got attached (which is how she found out) when he wouldn't pay expenses for the OW. They stayed married for 19 years, with hardly a good memory of my family life really. My life was good though, despite my family. My dad hit on my friends when I was a teen (& my parents were still married). I had to protect my friends. Do I hate him for it? No. I'm estranged because he's a narcissist, and I just can't let him take me down when he goes. He's created a miserable life for himself. I'm not attracted to men like him, but I am attracted to men who grew up with narcissist's for Dads. We connect, and I can really relate. That's my weak spot.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds so painful and to still be dealing with the consequences of others actions.

 

 

I hope you can forgive your Mom & just think of the good memories she brought to the table. The selfish thing would have been for her to take off with this man & really do some damage. You had some great memories too, more than probably most of us have had. You should cherish those & recognize your Mom as human. We all do the best we can. I wish I wasn't in this A for my kids sake alone. I put them in a different spot in my heart. I've never missed a concert, school event, sports event, emergency room visit or anything else concerning my kids because of my A. I'm actually happier & more active now than I was before I met this man. I used to dread my days.

 

My Mother dreaded me anyway. She was always like that. She denies it now. Is shocked that I would say that. She will tell me that certain memories I have she doesn't remember. I've talked to my Dad about things I remember and, to be honest, he hadn't put things together. Now he's realizes how neglected by her I felt. And why I would have felt that.

 

 

Staying for the kids in my parents m was a mistake. In my situation, yeah, I'm going to stay for my kids. I just hope they don't resent me later because I sacrificed being with someone who makes me REALLY happy most of the time, by being with their Dad & not shattering their world. I hope this all makes sense?

 

Your situation does make sense. It sounds like you are doing the best thing for your children. And the fact that it makes you a better parent does bear that out. My Mother was not an involved mother. She emotionally and physically neglected me. My first week of High School, she booked a holiday for her and my Dad. She has this 'hilarious' story about how it was the first holiday they had taken without me and how Dad missed me the whole time. He kept saying how I would have loved this, enjoyed that...etc. She thinks it's so funny to say how she was just glad that I wasn't there and didn't miss me one bit.

 

She didn't ever want to do things as a family. My Dad's hobbies I used to be involved in. I loved it but it would have been nice for her to get involved to. If there was a dinner to go to as a result of his hobby or business related, she was thrilled to go. But anything else was my Dad and I.

 

If she had been willing to give up her 'image' then things could have been so much better. As it was I went from an unhappy child, to a miserable teen and on and on. I think that happiness sometimes scares me. I don't trust myself to believe in the substance of it. Strange, but I've always totally immersed myself in relationships and blinded myself, unconsciously or consciously, to the faults. I'm thinking because it didn't matter to me whether it was real or not I just wanted the 'love'.

 

Wow! I feel like a have a bunch of therapists on here all inviting me to look with a microscope at parts of myself and then talking through what I see. You guys are fabulous!!!!!!!

[fooled once]

Nope.

 

My posts have always argued passionately that it's very BAD for the kids if parents stay together "for the sake of the kids".

 

While I didn't feel deceived like you, I felt cheated out of the chance of the "happy childhood" that I saw my friends, whose parents were Dd, having. We all knew their R was broken. We hated having to be part of some farce that kept us all trapped until we were old enough to escape.

 

I left my 1st M when my kids were small. They're great adults now, happy and fulfilled, and not once did they ever wish things to have been different on that front.

 

I agree that it is WRONG to stay in an loveless, unhappy marriage "for the kids".

 

No way did I want my son growing up thinking what his father and I shared was a "marriage". I wanted him to grow up seeing his mom laugh, his mom and dad cuddle, his mom and dad kiss. I wanted him to feel LOVE all around him. I wanted to show him how 2 people in love treat each other.

 

And he finally got to see that when I married my now H. My son got to see how a man treats a woman. He got to see 2 people giddy and in love He got to see LOVE. And as he dates and falls in love, he will understand it more and 'see it' better now that he has seen it for himself first hand.

 

In addition, he grew up in a happy home whether there was laughter and there were arguments. He learned how to handle arguments and how to 'fight fair' by watching his stepfather and me. He learned that grown ups DO fight, even those in love, and just because you fight, it doesn't mean the love stops.

 

One of the best things I did for my son was divorce his father.

[White Flower]

I agree that it is WRONG to stay in an loveless, unhappy marriage "for the kids".

 

No way did I want my son growing up thinking what his father and I shared was a "marriage". I wanted him to grow up seeing his mom laugh, his mom and dad cuddle, his mom and dad kiss. I wanted him to feel LOVE all around him. I wanted to show him how 2 people in love treat each other.

 

And he finally got to see that when I married my now H. My son got to see how a man treats a woman. He got to see 2 people giddy and in love He got to see LOVE. And as he dates and falls in love, he will understand it more and 'see it' better now that he has seen it for himself first hand.

 

In addition, he grew up in a happy home whether there was laughter and there were arguments. He learned how to handle arguments and how to 'fight fair' by watching his stepfather and me. He learned that grown ups DO fight, even those in love, and just because you fight, it doesn't mean the love stops.

 

One of the best things I did for my son was divorce his father.

I just have to really commend you on this post. This is really putting not only the kids first but everybody first and every body wins. Your kids now have the past to compare with their present and know which is better. I'm sure you made tough choices and did some hard work but now it appears to be a happy situation all around. Kudos!

[2.50 a gallon]

I wish more MM/MW would read this thread more carefully, in order to understand what their future relationship with their children when they reach adulthood will look like. In short you are playing with fire.

 

What most posters seem to miss is the disrespect and contempt JFF has for her mother for cheating on her father. As she reached adulthood she is able to put two and two together. This is common amongst children who have a parent cheat, when they reach adulthood, they side with the parent who has been hurt and distance themselves from the parent who cheated.

 

In a thread on the Seperation & Divorce I related two similar incidents. One being my best friend growing up who later became my BIL, then XBIL when he cheated and remarried. My two nieces were still in their teens, as each grew up they distanced and later on totally cut my XBIL out of their lives. My youngest niece, finally married this summer, in her later 30's. She plain did not trust getting married.

 

At the wedding I was able to talk to my XBIL for a good hour. He has totally missed out on his grandchildren growing up. He did not know his grandson, who is now a senior was working, had his own car, and was a two year starter on his high school football teams. He had never seen him play a game.

 

I also related the story of Grandma M. She lived in my apartment complex, she loved children, used to talk to all the kids as they came home from school. Every summer she went off to visit her children and grand children who lived out of state. I found out later that she was the true mother of one of my high school friends. We bumped into each other 2 blocks from where Grandma M lived, he was watching his grandson play baseball. Only one of her children had moved out of state. Her other children still lived in the same city as she. Her children hated her and she never ever got to hold or meet her grandchildren. She drove by the ball field not knowing her son, who she hadn't seen in over 25 years, two of her grandchildren and one of their wives, and her great grandson were at the park that day. Grandma M passed away recently, and never knew that a great great grandchild had been born less than 2 miles away from where she lived a lonely life, pretending to visit family in the summer who wanted nothing to do with her.

 

justforfun: Children at age 3 or 4, they still might know and remember. I am retired, over 60 and can remember my first Christmas (age 8 months), I can remember learning to walk, I can remember the day my sister came home (age 2 y, 8 m). I can remember one of my first friends parents seperating and divorcing, and this is preschool. Luckily I had great parents, but even great parents argue, and I can remember being afraid that my sister and I might suffer the same fate as my friend. Had either of my parents been involved in an affair, I would have suffered the same fate as you.

Edited November 25, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

Another friend of mine, was an executive with a big bucks job. He had an affair with his younger married secretary for over a year. When the affair was exposed, they both ended up divorced 3 years ago and both were fired. He also lost two teeth in mutual combat with the MWH.

 

My friend did everything he could to get his family back, This summer his junior walked his XW down the aisle for her new H, who are now living in his house. With this economy the best he can do is get by on a part time job as a bar tender and clean up man. He has to sleep with friend, can't afford his own place, as CS payments keep him broke.

 

Junior wants nothing to do with his father, his younger daughter hates being forced to see him.

 

He complained to me the other day about how sad the holidays are.

Edited November 25, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[MizFit]

My dad cheated on my mother for the first 30 or so years of their marriage. He actually managed to drag me into the middle of one of his affairs when I was 18...on the day my mother's mother was buried I was so consumed with the knowledge I told her about Dad's current affair. She knew about it and had known about 3 or 4 before it. She was from an era when women couldn't leave easily. Her parents never offered her support and she was unskilled...it was horrible looking back over my teenage years and remembering the fights and the times he worked away, now knowing what was the cause of it all.

 

My mother helped me through this by telling me it had been her choice and her life. She told me not to hate my father because she didn't...she had accepted it and she told me for her sake I needed to as well. I did...kind of, but out of respect to her. My brother still hasn't forgiven him, but...11 years ago Mom had lung cancer and through various complications we almost lost her twice. Dad was a rock and he stood by her like I have never seen another person do. He took her to appointments and held her when she was sick and cooked for her and worked full time and made sure she got out of the house when she could and sat with her through morphine induced nightmares. He is still beside her and making her life as comfortable as he can...he isn't perfect and has his moments, but my brother and I have both forgiven him. I'll never forget how he hurt her, but I'll never forget how he's helped her.

 

I always wonder if she knew there would be a huge need and change in him one day.

 

My point in all of that was the kids do not want their parents together just for their sake, but sometimes they don't know the ins and outs. I hope this was remotely on topic...sorry if it wasn't, but it was really nice to say it out loud.

 

I'm thankful Mom is still alive and I'm thankful Dad was by her side when she needed it most. I'm thankful my brother and I saw him do something selfless and pay her back in some small way.

[NoIDidn't]

My dad cheated on my mother for the first 30 or so years of their marriage. He actually managed to drag me into the middle of one of his affairs when I was 18...on the day my mother's mother was buried I was so consumed with the knowledge I told her about Dad's current affair. She knew about it and had known about 3 or 4 before it. She was from an era when women couldn't leave easily. Her parents never offered her support and she was unskilled...it was horrible looking back over my teenage years and remembering the fights and the times he worked away, now knowing what was the cause of it all.

 

My mother helped me through this by telling me it had been her choice and her life. She told me not to hate my father because she didn't...she had accepted it and she told me for her sake I needed to as well. I did...kind of, but out of respect to her. My brother still hasn't forgiven him, but...11 years ago Mom had lung cancer and through various complications we almost lost her twice. Dad was a rock and he stood by her like I have never seen another person do. He took her to appointments and held her when she was sick and cooked for her and worked full time and made sure she got out of the house when she could and sat with her through morphine induced nightmares. He is still beside her and making her life as comfortable as he can...he isn't perfect and has his moments, but my brother and I have both forgiven him. I'll never forget how he hurt her, but I'll never forget how he's helped her.

 

I always wonder if she knew there would be a huge need and change in him one day.

 

My point in all of that was the kids do not want their parents together just for their sake, but sometimes they don't know the ins and outs. I hope this was remotely on topic...sorry if it wasn't, but it was really nice to say it out loud.

 

I'm thankful Mom is still alive and I'm thankful Dad was by her side when she needed it most. I'm thankful my brother and I saw him do something selfless and pay her back in some small way.

 

What a beautiful story. I think it was on topic. In fact, it went full circle - something that doesn't always happen for many children whose lives have been impacted by affairs.

 

We saw the contempt that 2.5 a gallon spoke of in your brother. We saw your mother staying for more than just you kids. And we saw your father make amends to her for the life he'd led previously by standing by her in such a selfless way that it moved your brother to forgiveness.

 

What a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it. Your parents', their marriage, and your family are very resilient. You are blessed. Never forget that.