mem11363 Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Ody, I think that is a workable option. It is not quite as good since he can receive send private msgs and immediately delete both when it is alone but he can also create a totally separate gmail acct she knows nothing about to accomplish same. Did not mean to misquote you in any way. I see you quoted my post but did you even read the reasons I listed for not sharing passwords? None of them had anything to do with the other woman's privacy. I really have fixed quite a few computers because someone gave their password to a roommate or boyfriend or whoever. The one time I shared a password with a GF, it was phished by ebay scammers a week later. Or let's say you share a password, and notice a few emails are missing later. Is it a server problem, or is hubby/wifey doing some crazy and sloppy snooping? Don't want to have that unpleasant discussion or nagging doubt? Well then don't share your password. It's just not a good idea in some cases. Or at least, those of us who do or have dealt with password security for a living often feel that way for reasons that can't be shrugged off as "nonsense". There's nothing wrong with her asking him to login so she can take a look, and do so without stalling so he can clean up evidence. It's the password issue for me, not the privacy issue. And if her hubby works in IT, he might have the same reaction, for reasons that have nothing to do with this other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
KikiW Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 I agree with the other posters, but no need to play little games. Simply tell your husband that this makes you uncomfortable, you have tried to politely ask to be "friended" by her only to be treated nastily, which in turn makes you even MORE uncomfortable about their relationship. In order to nip any bad feelings in the bud and feel better about the whole thing, you request his login information and if he wants to inform his "best friend" that you have access to his account, he may do so after you check it out. You are his wife and to be treated rudely about something that is a reasonable request is very odd. You have every right to be involved in this relationship he has with her, just as he has a right to be involved in friendship you have with others. Do not let this slide, this is (as others have said) a red flag and easily remedied by complete openness. Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) Ody, I think that is a workable option. It is not quite as good since he can receive send private msgs and immediately delete both when it is alone but he can also create a totally separate gmail acct she knows nothing about to accomplish same. Did not mean to misquote you in any way. Thanks for clarification. I still think collector's comment was better than mine anyway. This may be something out of nothing due to misunderstandings of FB privacy policy. Too many people condemning the hubby without enough info really for a good recommendation either way. It was my initial thought too but really the first post is ambiguous on a close read. Edited November 18, 2009 by Ody Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 If my male BF was married, I'd be sending his wife birthday cards and I'd darn sure have her as a friend on FB. If someone respects the friendship then they would go out of their way make the spouses comfortable. She disrespects you and there is a reason for that. Forget passwords, this friendship is not good for your marriage and should end. She certainly had a chance to act like a reasonable adult but chose to act like a selfish child. Ask him not to contact her any more. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Facebook is supposed to be a FUN networking website. Why does your husband have it tied to a private/business email account? That's BS if you ask me. He should NOT let this woman Block you from seeing posts she has made on his page. IF she is blocking ONLY you from seeing her posts on his page - HE NEEDS TO UN-FRIEND her Pronto!! That is extremely disrespectful. Unless there is an underlying reason you aren't aware of just yet. (sorry to say) Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Youre a smart woman. There really is no good "truth" behind why she is doing this. And it isnt because your husband is spinless and doesnt wish to confront his friend about it. There is something going on between them,, and its really just a question of how bad whatever is transpiring between them is. Not to be an azz, but its likely far worst than youre hoping. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanie Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 Thanks everyone for so much good advice. I have talked with my husband and told him my feelings. I told him I wasn't ok with her her blocking me, how she is treating me, and most especially with how HE was handling the whole situation. Let me clarify a few things: she really did block me, my actual email address. It wasn't just a privacy issue as he told me originally and she had told him. When he asked her outright if she had BLOCKED me, she said yes, your wife's email is on my block list. He said that surprised him because his understanding was she had just adjusted her settings to only allow her friends to see her comments. So I made a second account and he added that one as a friend, and voila I could see all of her comments on his page! There wasn't anything weird there or incriminating. It still puzzles me why she didn't want me to see them. He then realized and agreed with me that it was messed up (and confusing) why she would block me because they had nothing to hide. So he told her that if she didn't unblock me, that was her choice and he had to respect her choices but he couldn't keep her as a friend on FB. She said she wouldn't unblock me. He deleted her from his friends list. Oh and another clarification here ... this wasn't about being FB friends with her ... this was about her BLOCKING my email address. I never cared what she posted on her page ... it's her page ... but I felt and still do feel like I am privy to what she posted on MY husband's page. So then he told her that he really valued their friendship but he couldn't have her bad mouthing his wife and that she needed to keep any rude comments on how she felt about me, well, to herself. He said he didn't want her advice on our marriage. I didn't hear their conversation, this is just what he told me he said to her. I felt better because he stepped up and defended me and our marriage and truly did not like her disrespecting me. He also deleted her as a friend on FB because he could not have her posting things on his page that I could not see. I want to add here, that I did ask him why he didn't intervene earlier, why didn't he step up when all this was happening ... why did I feel like I was out on a limb? He said he was trying to let us work things out between the two of us ... he thought we would work things out and actually maybe be friends. I was (and actually still am) willing to be friends or at least friendly. Hell, I'd actually settle for civil. But *she* doesn't want to be friends with me. She doesn't like me. She doesn't want to be friendly and she pretty much wants to pretend I don't exist. It's very odd. And this woman is married with 3 children. OK, back to the update. So after he told her not to bad mouth me anymore and that he couldn't have her saying things like that or acting that way to me ... well, she was very upset with him and she said "fine". Then she had to get off the phone and they haven't talked since. My husband doesn't seem upset that they haven't talked, but he seems sorta sad. He said he knew she was a stubborn person but this was ridiculous. He also said he thought she was not going to talk with him until he apologized to her. (I stayed quiet as I listened to this.) I asked him if he would and what would happen. He said he had nothing to apologize to her for ... he was doing the right things and she needed to respect that. He said he would wait a week to see if things calmed down and he asked me what I would need from her so I could move past this and perhaps at some point support him being friends with her. I told him I would need to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 i think you handled it well. i think your husband did well too - as long as he told the truth about the conversation that you never actually heard... i suppose you have to go on his word and his side of the story. i would watch for an email account that you don't know about. if she is as possessive as she appears - she will eventually ask him to correspond by an email or phone that you may not be aware of. hmmmm, from her standpoint and reaction - something is up - did she ever sleep with him? seems like they must have at one point or another. her actions show that she seems to think she owns him - and can manipulate him - and has cause to be demanding with him... that he may owe her an alliance that seems inappropriate for just a "friend"... something just seems to cross the line here... smells fishy. what details do you know about their past? Link to post Share on other sites
TinyLee222 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Is your husband for the sake or your marriage willing to give up or severely curtail his friendship with her? From the outside this looks like nothing but trouble and I agree with a previous poster than I bet something has been going on even if it's only emotional. The bff has a problem with you and it's because you are married to the guy she wants to herself. It's the rare opposite sex best friendship that doesn't have problems with the spouse. Ask your husband this question. If it were you on facebook with a best friend who was a married man with 3 kids and your husband asked to "friend" him on face book and was refused how would he feel? Even the most confident, highly esteemed man would feel uneasy and threatened. IMO, this just reeks of trouble and I would be damned if I would let this friendship continue the way it is. In fact I don't think this friendship should even continue. Your marriage and peace of mind is more important. Lee Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Your husband did the right thing. I don't think he as an attraction to HER. But I think she has an attraction to him, hence her hostility to you his wife. Is your husband for the sake or your marriage willing to give up or severely curtail his friendship with her? From the outside this looks like nothing but trouble and I agree with a previous poster than I bet something has been going on even if it's only emotional. The bff has a problem with you and it's because you are married to the guy she wants to herself. It's the rare opposite sex best friendship that doesn't have problems with the spouse. Ask your husband this question. If it were you on facebook with a best friend who was a married man with 3 kids and your husband asked to "friend" him on face book and was refused how would he feel? Even the most confident, highly esteemed man would feel uneasy and threatened. IMO, this just reeks of trouble and I would be damned if I would let this friendship continue the way it is. In fact I don't think this friendship should even continue. Your marriage and peace of mind is more important. Lee Link to post Share on other sites
TinyLee222 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Your husband did the right thing. I don't think he as an attraction to HER. But I think she has an attraction to him, hence her hostility to you his wife. I agree with you on this but how does she know for sure?? She doesn't and it's that nagging feeling that will chip away at her and make her question everything he does now. It may on his part be just friends. But this latest incident shows that she wants more with him or is there already something happening? If this friendship is legitimate and everything is on the up and up then why the need to block the wife? His wife is uncomfortable with it. That should be reason enough to stop the friendship. It spells nothing but trouble. Lee Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 All that said he should tell this woman to shape up or get bent. Sounds like both of you handled it fairly well and this lady is nuts. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
OneTwo Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I had the exact same situation happen to me. One of my very good friends was a female coworker. I had no attraction to her, but she was very nice and professional, and we had a lot in common. She became a close friend. Fast forward 5 years later and I met and fell in love with and married my wife. The first thing I noticed was that my female friend started acting kind of funny. No big deal I thought. Sometimes women don't play well together. My wife seemed overly defensive. My female friend played the cool card. I actually was siding with my friend over my wife for a couple of days as it seemed that my wife was just being petty and jealous. But, my wife had said that there was more going on than what I was seeing and that I needed to pay real close attention. She said that my female friend was doing things to undermine our marriage. So, I started paying attention to every little nuance and detail. To make a long story very short, eventually it blew up into a full war with my female friend going into full stalker mode, showing up at my doorstep crying, calling at all hours, etc. I was completely caught off guard. I had suspected that she might have a thing for me, but I never knew she would try to destroy my marriage at all costs. She kept trying to covertly meet with me and seduce me, but I would have none of it. Oh, and did I mention that she is married and has kids? Even her husband joined in and tried to help his wife get more attention from me. I told him that he must be a complete idiot if is willing to help his wife try to get with and sleep with me. He seemed kind of stunned. I guess she had been playing him for so long that he took everything she said at full face value. I sent him all of the crazy emails she had sent me -- you know, the "What about us? What does she have that I don't have?" emails. Now, he thinks I am the bad guy, lol. This all ended with me going completely NC, changing my phone numbers, and threatening with a restraining order. During all of this, my wife never antagonized her, and didn't rub it in my face with an "I told you so..." I just couldn't believe how far this supposed friend was willing to take all of this. She turned out to be an absolute psychopath. I had known her for years, and she had never even given the slightest inkling that she was absolutely obsessed with me. I guess she just kept waiting silently in the background hoping I would eventually come around to her. She had met my various girlfriends throughout the years and had gotten along with them fine. It wasn't until I met my wife that she wigged-out. I guess I treated my wife vastly differently than I had been treating the other girls I dated. I told my female friend that I was getting serious with my (now wife), and my friend did seem kind of put-off by that, but I just dismissed it as intrinsic to how women can be sometimes. After I married my wife, my female friend went completely ape sh*t. She is now one of my biggest enemies. Just like it was said in the movie When Harry Met Sally, “Men and women can’t really be friends…” Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 It's obvious that your H's so called bestfriend is jealous. And, to be honest, it doesn't sound like a healthy friendship, especially since she wants nothing to do with you and is playing bitchy stupid high school games. It's crazy because SHE is married with 3 kids, so one would think WHY on earth is she so attached to your H?? Anyway, I really hope he distances himself from her. You two need supportive and trustworthy friends, not ones who are petty, jealous and are playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 It's obvious that your H's so called bestfriend is jealous. And, to be honest, it doesn't sound like a healthy friendship, especially since she wants nothing to do with you and is playing bitchy stupid high school games. It's crazy because SHE is married with 3 kids, so one would think WHY on earth is she so attached to your H?? Anyway, I really hope he distances himself from her. You two need supportive and trustworthy friends, not ones who are petty, jealous and are playing games. Not necessarily although that is very possible. And to be honest Im not too impressed with her husbands recent actions. Sounds like damage control to me, and frankly hes probably scared to death that theyll actually talk one day. The "friend" is carrying a lot of anger against the wife. Part of it might be she has feelings for the husband, or something is going on. It may also be that he has talked so much crap about his wife, portrayed her as so evil and malicious to his "friend", that she really dislikes her for that reason. Especially guys looking to cheat on a wife, when talking to another, go through the whole my wife is a bitch, doesnt understand me, doesnt show me affection blah blah crap to justify the fact that he will now be looking to start something with the "friend", and probably hoping for pity sex as well. Ive never seen it not be so. But I have known many such "friends." There is always a reason why they hate the other person so much, and if it isnt because theyre having sex, its because of all the crap the guy has told them about the s/0 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I also agree that it's damage control, especially when he's asking you what you need in order for him to continue with this friendship. Does your husband have any other friends? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Not necessarily although that is very possible. And to be honest Im not too impressed with her husbands recent actions. Sounds like damage control to me, and frankly hes probably scared to death that theyll actually talk one day. The "friend" is carrying a lot of anger against the wife. Part of it might be she has feelings for the husband, or something is going on. It may also be that he has talked so much crap about his wife, portrayed her as so evil and malicious to his "friend", that she really dislikes her for that reason. Especially guys looking to cheat on a wife, when talking to another, go through the whole my wife is a bitch, doesnt understand me, doesnt show me affection blah blah crap to justify the fact that he will now be looking to start something with the "friend", and probably hoping for pity sex as well. Ive never seen it not be so. But I have known many such "friends." There is always a reason why they hate the other person so much, and if it isnt because theyre having sex, its because of all the crap the guy has told them about the s/0 I agree with post. I would keep my ears and eyes open if I were the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I didn't hear their conversation, this is just what he told me he said to her. This kind of concerns me. He should have had the phone call with you in the room. Also, why is she giving him marital advice? Did he ask for it? Or is she picking holes in your marriage and just making comments? And to be honest Im not too impressed with her husbands recent actions. Sounds like damage control to me, and frankly hes probably scared to death that theyll actually talk one day. Anything is possible at this point, I guess I am just hoping that it's the jealously thing and her H isn't doing something he shouldn't be doing and just did damage control. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I'm inclined to suspect there's an emotional affair happening. If your H is the type that doesn't acknowledge that there IS such a thing as emotional cheating, it may be difficult for him to see the magnitude of the problem. In his mind, there's nothing wrong with pouring his heart out to another woman, as long as he's not sleeping with her................... I'm curious, OP, about how long he's known her. did she attend your wedding, has she shown support of your M in the past? Or is this someone he's met more recently, and forged a friendship with? I'd like to recommend that both you and your H read the book."Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. There's a wealth of insight about what constitutes a healthy friendship, and what defines an EA. And how EA's form in the first place. Please keep us updated, and good luck.............. Link to post Share on other sites
TimH Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Be CAREFUL OP,remember the movie Fatal Attraction? he he Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Not necessarily although that is very possible. And to be honest Im not too impressed with her husbands recent actions. Sounds like damage control to me, and frankly hes probably scared to death that theyll actually talk one day. The "friend" is carrying a lot of anger against the wife. Part of it might be she has feelings for the husband, or something is going on. It may also be that he has talked so much crap about his wife, portrayed her as so evil and malicious to his "friend", that she really dislikes her for that reason. Especially guys looking to cheat on a wife, when talking to another, go through the whole my wife is a bitch, doesnt understand me, doesnt show me affection blah blah crap to justify the fact that he will now be looking to start something with the "friend", and probably hoping for pity sex as well. Ive never seen it not be so. But I have known many such "friends." There is always a reason why they hate the other person so much, and if it isnt because theyre having sex, its because of all the crap the guy has told them about the s/0 I agree. I don't trust his words because she wasn't there to hear them for herself. I do admit that I could be wrong. But I've been in this situation before and it doesn't have to mean that something is going on between them, other than inappropriate conversation at this point. Its just clear that this married mother wants to put a wedge into this marriage. I don't think he should call her in a week. I think he should let her pout until she grows up. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I'm inclined to suspect there's an emotional affair happening. If your H is the type that doesn't acknowledge that there IS such a thing as emotional cheating, it may be difficult for him to see the magnitude of the problem. In his mind, there's nothing wrong with pouring his heart out to another woman, as long as he's not sleeping with her................... Agree with this. At the least, she has a crush on your H. And he seems, at least originally, to have enjoyed that attention. No other excuse for her actions and his defense of same. Sounds like you nipped it in the bud but you and your H need to agree on the boundaries of your marriage. Keep the lines of communication open... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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