giotto Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 it sounds like a thread from medieval times to me...
sally4sara Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Same old song and dance...... http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/19/AR2007011901385.html But then why do we look to this? http://www.lovenemotions.com/marriage/keys-for-successful-marriage.php Notice keys #1 and #6? Good thing there are sooo many other things to blame the high divorce rate on! OP, why not give the new schedule a try first to make sure you're not over reacting to potentials and possibles? If the job becomes a problem, then you will be able to use key #4 to find a solution.
carhill Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 OP, why not give the new schedule a try first to make sure you're not over reacting to potentials and possibles? If the job becomes a problem, then you will be able to use key #4 to find a solution. OP answers prior: I am, however, more at peace with the "trial" run and reevaluating my own feelings and soliciting feedback from my wife as to her happiness with her job and schedule several months down the road. OP, didn't see indication so will ask. At 14 months in, hows the sex?
Author youngmarried1 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Wow, this thread has spurred some interesting discussion. I went home and thus didn't see the responses until now. I have an update as to the course of action that I took last night and some thoughts on your comments. First, I apologized to my wife for any misconception that I wasn't very proud and happy for her. I explained that I was excited for her progress with regards to her anxiety, that she has found a career that she loves, and is able to make a financial contribution to the family, which she has wanted to do. Second, I reinforced displeasure with the hours but agreed to give this job a trial run. In several months, we agreed to discuss how this has change has impacted our marriage both pro and con. Now, for the responses to comments: @carhill She is excited for this job and doesn't seem to mind that the hours are outside of 9-5. In addition to prior information, we used to live so close to our jobs that I would be home for lunch. Because of the situation with her prior job, she wanted to move outside the city, which we did. She ironically lamented not being able to eat lunch together for for some time. I was not happy with that situation either and we have even discussed moving back to the city when the mortgage agreement allows us to sell. @whichwayisup She is welcome to visit friends and family in the evening. She generally prefers to be with me. My preference, of course, is she that she socialize during the day, but if she wants to do something by herself from time to time in the evening I wouldn't object and in fact, encourage. @seoa I don't consider the 2nd story incongruous with the first and also, I don't believe that it is an indication of my own anxiety but a conclusion that I have come to based upon observation not only of my parents but also empirical evidence concerning families who eat dinner together, etc. @frustrated_one I am right with you when you talk about living a life in line with our values. I think whenever we discuss this next or in another context, we should focus on our values as a family first to ground whatever decision we make concerning whatever. When the priest married my wife and I he said that our marriage was the first child of our relationship. That we should nurture it into maturity. I have often come back to this metaphor when thinking about my marriage. Perhaps, like with a toddler, we need to reestablish what is important to us as a couple? @hopeful1980 While I agree with you that either the husband or wife has every right to their own happiness, I also believe that we both have limited our choices since we have entered into a marriage covenant. A simple example of this is that I can no longer date women aside from my wife and she can no longer date men aside from me. People voluntarily give up their freedoms for higher purposes whether you aren't free to tell your friend she looks fat in that dress because you care about her feelings or make professional sacrifices to maintain a strong marriage. @2sunny You have asked whether she doesn't like that I work. The answer is yes. I don't like that I work. Neither of us are particularly careerist; if anything, I am less so than she is. I am working and a saving a significant percentage of our income so that we can retire relatively early. Perhaps we will join the Peace Corps or some other service organization then. @JamesM 1. If you had an evening free and you had a choice to either go out with friends, or go out alone, then which would you do? It depends but I would say more likely alone than to be at a social event. I'm most likely to want to go to an organized service club, etc. 2. If your wife had the same choice, which would she choose? Alone but with animals particularly horses and cats. 3. Of the two of you, which of you (your wife or you) would rather be alone to relax after a busy day? Me. I need some time alone but I am usually able to get that at work. My wife and I read relationship books together. Interestingly, our top two "love languages" were quality time and physical touch.
hopeful1980 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Young, I think you did the mature and responsible thing. I think you handled it very well. I don't think she could ask for much more.
JamesM Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Young, I think you did the mature and responsible thing. I think you handled it very well. I don't think she could ask for much more. I agree. Well done. Your marriage is off to a good start IMO.
thom3 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) Are you kidding me? You are crying about the fact that your wife works till 7pm while you're done at 5pm? And neither of you work more than 40 hours a week? My SO and I are both resident physicians and we each work over 80 hours a week. I'm a surgeon, I go to work at 5:30am and come home at 9:00pm. She goes to work at 7:00am and comes home at 7:00pm. These are typical days when we are not on call. When we are on call, which is typically every 3rd or 4th day, we stay overnight at the hospital. For instance, I stayed up most of the night in the hospital last Mon, Thurs and Sunday, and she has been on call last week at her service on Monday and Friday. There are times when we sleep in the same bed once or twice in a week. I understand that's not the kind of life you want, but if we can still make it work with the little time we have, it's hard not to tell you to man up and let your wife do what she feels is fulfilling, which is obviously not watching Wheel of Fortune with you at 5:30pm. Edited November 17, 2009 by thom3
WalkInThePark Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I have been married for 14 months today. My wife and I both love each other very much. She has been unemployed for over a year now and has only recently seriously looked for employment. She has just taken a part time job from 4-7 pm in her newly chosen career path. She doesn't need to work but I am happy to support her if she wants to. I am excited that she will be working at a job she enjoys as opposed to her last job. I am, however, more upset than happy since I get home from work before 5 pm and she won't be home for another 2 / 2.5 hours M-F. She knew before this job became available that spending time with one another is important to me particularly while we are young and don't have our future children's activities competing for our time. I believe she feels likewise but doesn't believe this will hurt our marriage and she notes that "other couples" often have limited time with one another during the week. I am also hurt because she seems more concerned about getting off for Thanksgiving to visit her out of town family than considering how this hurts me and our marriage. Part of me wants to draw a line in the sand since this is a dangerous precedent and another part of me says that she wants to do this so I should be supportive regardless of my worries. Any thoughts on how to respond? Euh... is she your slave? Be glad that she found a job and it's not like she will be away the whole time when you are at home. She'll just not be sitting there waiting for you to come home... Remember, we're in the year 2009 not in the Middle Age.
WalkInThePark Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Because woman was created for man - not the other way around. Woman was created for the specific purpose of being a help mate. Once we are married, we become a wife and our ultimate happiness is in finding our lives within our husbands, however that may be defined. This is so sexist. Not surprisingly it comes from a woman... Why not immediately deny girls the right to study because what use is a college degree if they are going to stay at home anyway once they are married. The best couples I know are those couples where both man and woman have a satisfying professional career. Yes, it sometimes difficult to organise it if you have kids. But there is more money to pay for external help in the household.
thom3 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) Call me old fashioned, but once a woman is married, I believe she needs to find her life within her husband's life. The husband is the head of the family and as wives, our job is to support our husbands. If that means working outside the home, then it should be done so that it does not interfere with your family time. It is important to value and consider all her insights, but this is your decison because she is your wife, and as her husband you have a God-given responsibility to take care of her the best way you can. Treat her with love and respect and make the best decision that will honor the values you want to uphold in your marriage. WTF is this? Islamic propaganda? Ol' frustrated_one, the husband's job is also to support and fulfill his wife. It goes both ways. The OP apparently has a major problem sitting at home for 2 hours without his wife, then how does his wife feel sitting at home from 8am to 4pm without her husband? Oh wait, nevermind, there is no logical consistency at all, it's just pure sexism. This has got to be the most pathetic thread I've yet read on Loveshack. Half my medical school class was female; these are women who are smarter and more hard-working than at least 90% of men in this country. They should all sit at home and obey their husbands, who has a "God-given right" to dictate unilaterally whatever he thinks is best for the family, right? What a load of croak. Edited November 17, 2009 by thom3
JustLooking123 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I'll admit, I didn't read the entire thread...but all this fuss over 2 hours at home alone? Really? Sounds like you had a pretty mature conversation about it with her, but jeez! Get a friend or a hobby or something. It's just 2 hours.
angie2443 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 WTF is this? Islamic propaganda? . Christianity can be just as bad. I see no reason to attack any particular religion here. Otherwise, I understand your point.
bluestraps Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Remember that whole thing for richer or poorer sickness and health ect... go get a evening job !No but seriously, this is a common problem. All you can do is look at the times you will have togther. Many times we tend to look at the negative because the positive is fine. Like positive and negative energy are both needed in anything the universe could be nonexistent without both. everthing cant be 100 % perfect.Some people have obviously very demanding jobs. I feel that we are so wrapped up in what we do for a living that its almost the most important thing more than anything else. Many a marriage is ruined by seperation. When one person is free the other is not. It takes the right attitude to stay connected.
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