My wife took a job that takes our evenings away

[hopeful1980]

Because woman was created for man - not the other way around. Woman was created for the specific purpose of being a help mate. Once we are married, we become a wife and our ultimate happiness is in finding our lives within our husbands, however that may be defined.

 

The OP is not saying she can't have her own friends, money, job, etc. but that it should be done within the many hours she has available that do not interfere with their time together. That is more than reasonable.

 

I was raised a Christian, but I disagree. I find joy in helping and supporting my husband, but he also wants me to have a life. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask his wife to find different hours, but to deny her what she needs and what makes her happy (in this case a pt job for a couple hours a day) would only build resentment in her and make her feel as though what she wanted didn't matter much. I can't accept that my husband's wants and needs are more important than my own.

 

I think it's all about compromise in a marriage. In order to be a better wife to him, she feels like she needs to have a job. I don't see what is wrong with that.

[frustrated_one]

Nothing wrong in that as long as it is done in a way that does not take time away from him. Her decision is selfish. He is supporting her, she does not have to work but wants to. That is a luxury so few people in the US have right now with this horrible economy. She needs to HONOR her husband.

 

In order to be a better wife to him, she feels like she needs to have a job. I don't see what is wrong with that.

[seoa]

Also, she is in counseling for anxiety, etc. so this represents a big step for her. Anxiety is one of the reasons that she hasn't been looking for a job until recently.

 

At present, on two days when she doesn't volunteer at the place where she will soon be working...

 

I do believe that this will improve her self esteem, anxiety, etc. issues.

 

I won't ask her not to take this job, but I did ask her to speak with her boss about the availability of other positions during the day and to keep her abreast of changing her hours when that opportunity becomes available. She has not done this because she says she is afraid to.

 

This is really interesting... You are telling 2 different stories here, one that you "pretend" to believe, and one that you really believe...

 

Story 1: your wife has anxiety issues, she is bravely facing up to them in counselling, she has worked through some of them by volunteering at this place, and now is making the next step in her recovery /healing, which is to take on a couple of hours work each day... Sounds like she's taking sensible-sized steps - a small amount of work, at a place that she's familiar with... In this story, you are a supportive & loving husband, who wants her to find whole-ness and healing, and are glad that she's making progress... So far, so good...

 

But then we have Story 2: you were injured by your parents' divorce /bad relationship as a child, and have as a consequence taken on an unhealthy set of anxieties (fears) of your own - that anything resembling your parents' relationship is destined to end in badness... In this story, her work has *nothing* to do with recovering from her anxieties, but is all to do with her ambition, her love of money,

 

Yes, I feel like she is putting her desire to work over spending time with me.

 

She has the freedom to work or not work as she pleases my only expressed desire was that she chose a position that she would enjoy doing the work and that she find a position during the day.

 

This job, however, has been more challenging since I have felt that she is choosing her professional happiness over time together

 

My wife does want to work outside the home. I appreciate that she wants to make some money.

 

I agree it's wise to look at good /bad relationships, and try to learn from them, but be careful what you're really learning... If you looked at your parents' relationship in depth, would the badness really be all about a small amount (2 hours a day) of time spent apart... I very much suspect not - either it was greater chunks of time, or there were additional pressures involved (like kids!), or the time apart was a *consequence* of other issues that you were too young to know about... Many possible reasons...

 

It's good that you've rebalanced your life, working more sensible hours, seeking to find mutual activities where possible - but why have you done it...? You would probably have said that it was to promote a healthy relationship, but if you're really honest, how much of it was driven by fear...? Fear that if you don't do things X, Y and Z, then you will be recreating your parents' marriage, which you do not want...

 

Likewise, she would work late as 10 pm, work weekends, etc. with her last job in part because of the demands of her job but also because she was unwilling/unable to create some semblance of work/life balance likely due to anxiety.

 

This inability and/or unwillingness to communicate with her boss about her present and future hours reinforces my view that she is being insensitive to my concerns [fears].

 

If I thought this was temporary and that she would seek out other employment in the same field during the day and/or with this same office, I would be more at peace with [less fearful about] this.

 

She cannot take on your anxieties & fears - she is dealing with enough of her own...

 

I am interested in where you see self-motivation.

 

I think you started this marriage based on one dynamic (she had anxieties, you are the fearless protector) - now she is starting to deal with her anxieties & fears, she is no longer the household's holder-of-all-fears, and you are starting to experience your own fears a little more directly...

 

I used to, and do now to a lesser degree, want to protect her from the difficulties that she experienced in the past and worry that she might experience in the future.

 

I understand that that largely manifests itself in unhealthy ways. I take seriously my role as the protector of my family, but occasionally fail to keep it in check.

 

Big ouch... I'm sure it's not fun, what you're going through... But it's a chance to grow, a chance for you to learn a bit more about yourself, and a chance for you two to become a healthier couple...

 

Let her do this job, let yourself "feel the fear and do it any way", and you'll both come out of this stronger...!

 

It is important to value and consider all her insights, but this is your decison because she is your wife, and as her husband you have a God-given responsibility to take care of her the best way you can. Treat her with love and respect and make the best decision that will honor the values you want to uphold in your marriage.

 

He does have a responsibility to her - to love her, and want her to be healthy... It would not be healthy for her to be kept a prisoner of her fears... He has to be wise for both of them, that's part of the husband's God-given role...!

[hopeful1980]

He gives up his autonomy to protect her and support her, as any man who's been divorced will gently share with you.

 

 

If she had children, I'd be more inclined to agree. But as a working mother myself, I know the joy that comes in having a job outside of the house. I was a SAHM for a time and I didn't like it much. I relied on my husband to be the person who fulfilled my adult conversation and while everyone else was out having a job during the day, I was home and it made me feel very lonley and jealous of my husband's ability to talk to other adults about adult things during the day. He had a life outside of the house and I didn't.

 

I really enjoy my children and my family, but I reject the idea of losing myself inside of a man's life. If that is the case, who am I apart from my husband?

[whichwayisup]

Nothing wrong in that as long as it is done in a way that does not take time away from him. Her decision is selfish. He is supporting her, she does not have to work but wants to. That is a luxury so few people in the US have right now with this horrible economy. She needs to HONOR her husband.

 

So 2 hours away 5pm-7pm is taking time away from him? Hey, he can go to her work place, pick her up and they can go out to dinner afew times a week. Right at 7pm.

 

She has every right to have a life, a job, and basically (if I am wrong correct me please) she shouldn't go out with friends, or do things on her own without him because it takes time away from him and their marriage?

 

It's HEALTHY for couples to have time apart..To have different interests..To go out alone, with friends without their spouse.

 

What if her husband dies? She's alone. Has no life because HE was her everything. Just something to think about.

[hopeful1980]

Nothing wrong in that as long as it is done in a way that does not take time away from him. Her decision is selfish. He is supporting her, she does not have to work but wants to. That is a luxury so few people in the US have right now with this horrible economy. She needs to HONOR her husband.

 

I wouldn't call it selfish to want to have your own life outside of your husband's wants and needs. I don't think it's selfish to want to bring in a paycheck with your own name on it as a way of feeling productive and useful in soceity.

 

It's only 2 hours a day and it makes her happy. It's his job to love her and letting her have this is showing her love.

[hopeful1980]

So 2 hours away 5pm-7pm is taking time away from him? Hey, he can go to her work place, pick her up and they can go out to dinner afew times a week. Right at 7pm.

 

She has every right to have a life, a job, and basically (if I am wrong correct me please) she shouldn't go out with friends, or do things on her own without him because it takes time away from him and their marriage?

 

It's HEALTHY for couples to have time apart..To have different interests..To go out alone, with friends without their spouse.

 

What if her husband dies? She's alone. Has no life because HE was her everything. Just something to think about.

 

That is my fear. There are many women who did everything for their husband's, never taking a job or anything and then when he died she didn't even know how to pay a bill. It's foolish imo.

[frustrated_one]

YES, he feels that it is taking time away from him.

 

Yes, she has every right to all those things (life, job, friends, etc.) but all those things are to take their place within the priorities they have established for their life together.

 

Yes, it can be healthy to have time apart - and she has all the time she wants during the day to do what she wants - work part time, get her hair done, volunteer, have lunch with friends, etc. If they decide as a couple it's great to do a guys night/girls night out away from each other, wonderful. But THEY have to decide and it needs to be mutual.

 

We are not talking death here - we are talking a part time job. We are talking about a man who actually WANTS to spend TIME with his WIFE. How horrible!!

 

So 2 hours away 5pm-7pm is taking time away from him? Hey, he can go to her work place, pick her up and they can go out to dinner afew times a week. Right at 7pm.

 

She has every right to have a life, a job, and basically (if I am wrong correct me please) she shouldn't go out with friends, or do things on her own without him because it takes time away from him and their marriage?

 

It's HEALTHY for couples to have time apart..To have different interests..To go out alone, with friends without their spouse.

 

What if her husband dies? She's alone. Has no life because HE was her everything. Just something to think about.

[frustrated_one]

She has eight hours a day that she can establish her own daily agenda. It is not selfish to want to bring home a paycheck with your own name on it but it is when it is not done in a way that is honoring to her husband and to the values they have established as a priority within their marriage. She is no longer a single woman where decisions can be made without thought about anything or anyone else.

 

It's two hours a day that make him unhappy. Game. Set. Match. HE wins.

 

I wouldn't call it selfish to want to have your own life outside of your husband's wants and needs. I don't think it's selfish to want to bring in a paycheck with your own name on it as a way of feeling productive and useful in soceity.

 

It's only 2 hours a day and it makes her happy. It's his job to love her and letting her have this is showing her love.

[2sunny]

first you said her shift is 4-7. that's not a huge amount of time for her to be away. you can find things at home to do for a few hours... even nice things around the house to surprise her with. score some points! ; - )

 

if not, then enjoy some time alone and be productive, go work out, take a class, start a new project.

 

second, any money earned should be considered money for both of you. i don't understand the mindset that money you earn isn't hers as well... you are married. same goes for her in the new job with the added income. shared money earned.

[blair08]

She needs some independence and luckily part time hours from 407 is good it could be alot worse....to me, if a person doesn't have some kind of individuality on some things...thats where they begin to become codependent, and things could go downhill after that.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

The only way I see this as a problem is if he said to her, "I would really like it if you were home in the early evening with me." And she responded with, "Screw you! I'll do what I want!" But the problem isn't hours, it's respect and consideration.

[Enema]

This whole thread is so weird.

 

When I'm not working you had better be at my beck and call.

[2sunny]

what would happen if she complained because you work - and you're not home to keep her company?

[frustrated_one]

It's the husband who is called to be the provider for his wife and from what I have read, they have not made a decision where she is the primary support.

 

How lucky she is to have a husband who wants to provide for her so that she can choose whether or not she would like to work outside the home and make her own money, etc. All he asks is that she do so at a time that works out with his work hours. I really do not think this is asking much.

 

what would happen if she complained because you work - and you're not home to keep her company?

[frustrated_one]

Every couple has a right to determine what is important in their relationship. OP says they discussed the issue of spending their free time together. His schedule is the one that dictates this.

 

Why turn this into a "beck and call" when what he wants is to spend time with the woman he loves. I'm sure there are women who would LOVE to be in this situation - their husbands find any excuse to be out of the house.

 

This whole thread is so weird.

 

When I'm not working you had better be at my beck and call.

[Enema]

OP says they discussed the issue of spending their free time together. His schedule is the one that dictates this.

 

Of course, because the man is the most important part of the family amirite?

 

Why turn this into a "beck and call" when what he wants is to spend time with the woman he loves.

 

Because it's at the expense of her being a real, functional adult in society with a job. She's not his property and if she wants to do this, she certainly can.

[hopeful1980]

She has eight hours a day that she can establish her own daily agenda. It is not selfish to want to bring home a paycheck with your own name on it but it is when it is not done in a way that is honoring to her husband and to the values they have established as a priority within their marriage. She is no longer a single woman where decisions can be made without thought about anything or anyone else.

 

It's two hours a day that make him unhappy. Game. Set. Match. HE wins.

 

But SHE won't be happy. What's the point of having your wife spend time with you if she resents it?

 

I am a very submissive wife by most standards, but this is where I draw the line. I will defer to my husband's wishes on most thing, unless I feel that it will cause me to be a bitter and resentful wife. You know more than anyone how your husband's wishes can cause you to feel unloved. There has to be a compromise on both sides.

 

If he can't be without her attention for a few hours a day, I don't know what he's going to do when she has a baby and is on call 24/7.

[carhill]

If he can't be without her attention for a few hours a day, I don't know what he's going to do when she has a baby and is on call 24/7.

 

They are apart fully half of a 24 hour period, so have roughly 12 hours together with 8 of that spent sleeping (for most people). I'm still waiting to hear from the OP about how *she* feels about this..

 

Part of the process of bonding in the early part of a relationship before children is to create those ties which stand the stress of having children and the necessary shift in focus which that brings.

 

This is another one of those compatibility things. Some people (and couples) don't care if they even have just sleeping time together; that's fine with them. They feel whole and validated in other ways. Other couples like being joined at the hip. As long as *they* agree and their needs are being met, it's all good.

 

Is the OP being unreasonable? Is he asking his W to bend too much? Is he bending too much by the sacrifices he's made as well as not being with her the way he'd like? Up to them.

 

I personally didn't mind the odd hours as long as I felt appreciated. It was the lack of intimacy which killed my love. The OP's path will necessarily be different. I hope it works out

[JamesM]

 

It is important to value and consider all her insights, but this is your decison because she is your wife, and as her husband you have a God-given responsibility to take care of her the best way you can. Treat her with love and respect and make the best decision that will honor the values you want to uphold in your marriage.

 

F_O, I have been raised a Christian as has been my wife. I am raising my children the same way. I understand your feelings.

 

But you seemingly say what the rest of us are saying here at the end. The OP should be the one to make the decision, but he should do so with his wife's happiness in mind.

 

So, if there are no children and his wife needs to get some work experience..and all he needs to do is sacrifice two hours of his evening, then it is an easy decision for him IMO. Let her work this job. If this involved children, then may be my answer would be different...even though I did it alone for awhile.

 

I have been there. When we were first married, my wife worked twelve hour shifts that were 7a to 7p. She came home approximately two hours after I did on the days she worked. During that time, I cleaned the apartment and began the meal...or ate alone. When she came home, Then I was "destressed" and could sit down and listen to her tell me of her day. One difference with us is that we stayed up a little later.

 

Youngmarried1, I have a question for you t answer about you and your wife....

 

1. If you had an evening free and you had a choice to either go out with friends, or go out alone, then which would you do?

 

2. If your wife had the same choice, which would she choose?

 

3. Of the two of you, which of you (your wife or you) would rather be alone to relax after a busy day?

[frustrated_one]

No JamesM, I am not saying he should make the decision with his "wife's happiness in mind." I am saying the decision should be based on the values they have decided to uphold in their marriage. This may or may not make her happy. It is one thing to say "we value spending time together" and another to live it.

 

OP obviously would not be posting here is this was not an issue for him. He clearly stated his concerns and I think they are reasonable. Every couple has their life together - it may be different from yours or mine. In this case, they go to bed early. Her working late mean not getting home until even later.

 

I know everyone on the board is siding with "her" and criticizing him and questioning why they would go to bed so early. You know - it's THEIR life - that's how they want to live it.

 

What I am suggesting here is another point of view which may or may not fit into the set of values important to this couple. He can take it for what it's worth. The value of a forum like this is for people to read various opinions and ideas. I don't seem to fit into the monolith of opinions here where pretty much all opinions are homogenized.

 

What I have suggested is that since this is obviously bothering him, they need to sit down and talk about it. Perhaps they will start going to bed at 11:00 pm. Perhaps he can use this time to work out. OR perhaps this is not the right job for her to take and that she should find another one that fits into the hours during the day when he is working.

 

He should value her point of view and what she has to say about this but ultimately, he should make the decision that is best for their life together. She can set her feet and demand she takes THIS job if he doesn't want her to, but IME, this will not bring marital happiness.

 

I guarantee if they close the door on this job, there WILL be THE PERFECT job for her down the road. It's just like when you are buying a house - you find one you like and you really want to buy it but it just never works out and it breaks your heart. But then six weeks later you find a house that is even more perfect for you and you are so glad things did not work out with the first one.

 

If the honor the values they have set out to uphold within their marriage, they will be blessed.

 

 

 

F_O, I have been raised a Christian as has been my wife. I am raising my children the same way. I understand your feelings.

 

But you seemingly say what the rest of us are saying here at the end. The OP should be the one to make the decision, but he should do so with his wife's happiness in mind.

 

So, if there are no children and his wife needs to get some work experience..and all he needs to do is sacrifice two hours of his evening, then it is an easy decision for him IMO. Let her work this job. If this involved children, then may be my answer would be different...even though I did it alone for awhile.

 

I have been there. When we were first married, my wife worked twelve hour shifts that were 7a to 7p. She came home approximately two hours after I did on the days she worked. During that time, I cleaned the apartment and began the meal...or ate alone. When she came home, Then I was "destressed" and could sit down and listen to her tell me of her day. One difference with us is that we stayed up a little later.

 

Youngmarried1, I have a question for you t answer about you and your wife....

 

1. If you had an evening free and you had a choice to either go out with friends, or go out alone, then which would you do?

 

2. If your wife had the same choice, which would she choose?

 

3. Of the two of you, which of you (your wife or you) would rather be alone to relax after a busy day?

[frustrated_one]

See bold below . . .

 

Of course, because the man is the most important part of the family amirite?

 

He is not the most important part, he is the leader, the head of the family there to protect and provide for her, which by all accounts he's doing a pretty good job of doing.

 

Because it's at the expense of her being a real, functional adult in society with a job. She's not his property and if she wants to do this, she certainly can.

 

No one is saying she can't have a job. HE posted on this board because this IS an issue. Why is it he is being vilified for wanting his wife to be home when he gets home? She has that luxury. She has all the time during the day to be a real, functional adult in society with a job.

 

[frustrated_one]

Then she needs to do an attitude check.

 

If you are "drawing the line" at being submissive when your husband's wishes if you feel they will cause you to be bitter and resentful, then you are not being submissive. It's easy to go along with your husband when you agree with him . . . very hard to have a good attitude when you don't. I KNOW.

 

Again, everyone seems to be ignoring that OP told us they decided they wanted to in do their marriage. They have NO kids NOW and they want to spend time together knowing that the children will come and how that will impact their relationship and ability to spend time together. THAT'S WHY he doesn't want to lose any time now. What a horrible man.

 

But SHE won't be happy. What's the point of having your wife spend time with you if she resents it?

 

I am a very submissive wife by most standards, but this is where I draw the line. I will defer to my husband's wishes on most thing, unless I feel that it will cause me to be a bitter and resentful wife. You know more than anyone how your husband's wishes can cause you to feel unloved. There has to be a compromise on both sides.

 

If he can't be without her attention for a few hours a day, I don't know what he's going to do when she has a baby and is on call 24/7.

[hopeful1980]

Then she needs to do an attitude check.

 

If you are "drawing the line" at being submissive when your husband's wishes if you feel they will cause you to be bitter and resentful, then you are not being submissive. It's easy to go along with your husband when you agree with him . . . very hard to have a good attitude when you don't. I KNOW.

 

Again, everyone seems to be ignoring that OP told us they decided they wanted to in do their marriage. They have NO kids NOW and they want to spend time together knowing that the children will come and how that will impact their relationship and ability to spend time together. THAT'S WHY he doesn't want to lose any time now. What a horrible man.

 

You can tell a person, "I am going to make the decisons that I feel best for both of us, which includes what YOU think will make YOU happy. But ultimately, I know better."

 

I'm sorry, but my husband does not know better about my personal happiness than me. If I was in this situation and he told me he didn't want me to take the job because it would cut into our time together, honestly I would be flattered. However, it should be my choice. My problem with what you are proposing is that you are taking away the choice from the OPs wife. You're saying she doesn't have a choice and whatever he wants is what they should do AND she'd better act like she's happy about it. That's more than unfair.

 

I think of my husband and I as a team and I let him be the captain, but if I want to call another play I'd like it if I had that option. How can anyone not be resentful when you take away their freedom of choice and basically tell them that you know better what they should do than they do themselves? His wife is not a child. She is a grown up who has anxiety issues and feels that this opportunity will help her with her condition. IMO, it's a no brainer. She will be a better wife and person if she takes the job. Of course he can stop her from taking it, but I don't think that's in either one of their best interest considering her issues.

[carhill]

Again, compatibility. As a woman, do not be attracted to and choose the strong, leader male if you want a 'team player'. He should not subrogate his leadership and aggression to you any more than you should supplicate to him. Attract and marry a 'team player', who sees you as his peer and who relies on you to augment his skills of decision-making. Don't expect a man to 'switch' his personality just because he is married just as I'm hearing the women shouldn't be expected to 'change' theirs just because they are married.

 

Psychological compatibility