My wife took a job that takes our evenings away

[hopeful1980]

@hopeful1980

 

Thanks for the question. Yes, I feel like she is putting her desire to work over spending time with me. Perhaps I am being needy, but I do not believe so. She has the freedom to work or not work as she pleases my only expressed desire was that she chose a position that she would enjoy doing the work and that she find a position during the day.

 

I have made numerous changes professionally to make my marriage a priority: I work 40 hours a week when I used to work 55/55, I have cut back my community involvement significantly, and did not reenlist in the National Guard, in part, because she didn't want to worry about a deployment or lose a weekend a month together.

 

Also, she is in counseling for anxiety, etc. so this represents a big step for her. Anxiety is one of the reasons that she hasn't been looking for a job until recently. I'm happy for her that she has made many positive steps. What do I want to happen here? I want to 1) be a supportive husband and 2) prevent our lives from drifting away from one another. I'm looking for some feedback on steps that I can take to do these things in this situation.

 

The feedback thus far seems to be that I just should deal with it to accomplish those two goals. I understand that there are social, professional, and other reasons that one spouse would spend time away from the other, but I have also seen how opposing work schedules created an environment where falling out of love was a natural by product such as with my parents.

 

That said, that process of creating lives independent of one another didn't happen overnight but was a gradual process. I don't want to start that process, ever.

 

Thanks hopeful1980, 2sure, Seibert253 and JamesM who have provided who have provided meaningful feedback thus far.

 

Okay, what I'm getting from this is that you've made significant sacrifices with regards to your career for her. That being said, you want her to sacrifice this job so that you two can spend all evening together.

 

I don't think that's an unreasonable request, however it is very difficult to find a job right now. Second, everyone needs their own life independent from their spouse/family. That doesn't mean you exclude your spouse from your life, but that you have things that you enjoy doing for yourself that make you a better spouse when the two of you do come together. I think this part time job fills that role for your wife.

 

I would suggest you ask her nicely if she can perhaps switch her hours to an earlier time because you will miss the time you spend with her. See what she says and be willing to go at least a couple of weeks/months with the situation currently as it is while she finds another job or gets approval to change her hours.

[TaraMaiden]

Well then, I would suggest you change your habits to be more accommodating.

 

My partner works part time, but in shifts. he also attends university to complete his Law degree.

I work two jobs, one during the day, the other in the evening.

We have one day we coincide to have a day off together, but even then, this doesn't always work out.

The secret is not how much time you spend together, but HOW you spend that time together.

Be constructive.

 

 

Good luck.

 

If you think this is bad, at the beginning of married life, you wait until she has young children to look after....

You'll be lucky if she even remembers what you look like, then!

[JamesM]

 

The feedback thus far seems to be that I just should deal with it to accomplish those two goals. I understand that there are social, professional, and other reasons that one spouse would spend time away from the other, but I have also seen how opposing work schedules created an environment where falling out of love was a natural by product such as with my parents.

 

That said, that process of creating lives independent of one another didn't happen overnight but was a gradual process. I don't want to start that process, ever.

 

Thanks hopeful1980, 2sure, Seibert253 and JamesM who have provided who have provided meaningful feedback thus far.

 

If this job is temporary, then it should have little impact. Even opposing job shifts do not have to kill a relationship. With some changes, this job could have little impact.

 

I do think that you have taken one good attitude towards this change. You do not want it to hurt your marriage. But based on your parents experiences, I think you have determined only one conclusion is expected...a marital breakdown. While I have no doubt that our opposing shifts did effect our marriage, they did not end it. Now that we have the same shift, we can grow together again.

 

You will get through this together. And IMO if it helps her, then it will help you.

[GorillaTheater]

YM, I think I understand your concerns over what might happen if your lives become independent of each other, but I also think your concerns are misplaced in this instance. Life is busy. Throw in kids and other obligations and it will get much busier. Your lives will become independent to a certain degree due to the need to split the workload if nothing else. But in my opinion a good emotional connection is more valuable than frequent physical proximity, if that makes sense.

 

Focusing on the here and now, you indicate that the fact your wife has found a job is a big step in her regaining control over anxiety issues. So treat the job as you should: a cause for celebration. Support her and keep your misgivings to yourself.

[laRubiaBonita]

my H and i have dealt with this too, with my work. and we have also been married 14 months and 3 days:D

 

it started when we were dating. i lived in an apt. work m-f, 9-5 and then i would do PT work a few hours during the week and also work weekend mornings. i was teaching swimming lesson, classes and private lessons.

 

i worked this much to pay my bills and to have money to enjoy my life AND i love teaching swimming/ managing the pool/ and life guarding... basically this was my fun job and my fulltime job was the benefits job.

 

well i currently work my m-f/ 9-5 and i now only work sunday from 2:30-8.

 

a 'compromise'... which is me saying fine, but i am working on sunday. he still pouts about it sometimes....

 

i like my pool job, i keep my certs current and it's fun. i love teaching swim lessons... and if i could do it for a living- i would (i am figuring out how to do that still- i need an indoor pool).

 

i get that my husband wants to spend weekends with me... but i also need time for me... i grew up being a pool rat and i will always gravitate towards spending time at the pool.

 

he seems to think it's just about money- and yes, i like the extra cash i get, but is more about me doing something i enjoy- something i feel good doing... teaching.

 

i understand where my H is coming from.... but i am not sure he understands where i am coming from.

[hopeful1980]

my H and i have dealt with this too, with my work. and we have also been married 14 months and 3 days:D

 

it started when we were dating. i lived in an apt. work m-f, 9-5 and then i would do PT work a few hours during the week and also work weekend mornings. i was teaching swimming lesson, classes and private lessons.

 

i worked this much to pay my bills and to have money to enjoy my life AND i love teaching swimming/ managing the pool/ and life guarding... basically this was my fun job and my fulltime job was the benefits job.

 

well i currently work my m-f/ 9-5 and i now only work sunday from 2:30-8.

 

a 'compromise'... which is me saying fine, but i am working on sunday. he still pouts about it sometimes....

 

i like my pool job, i keep my certs current and it's fun. i love teaching swim lessons... and if i could do it for a living- i would (i am figuring out how to do that still- i need an indoor pool).

 

i get that my husband wants to spend weekends with me... but i also need time for me... i grew up being a pool rat and i will always gravitate towards spending time at the pool.

 

he seems to think it's just about money- and yes, i like the extra cash i get, but is more about me doing something i enjoy- something i feel good doing... teaching.

 

i understand where my H is coming from.... but i am not sure he understands where i am coming from.

 

If he wants to spend that time with you, why doesn't he take your class?

[youngmarried1]

@JamesM

 

We get up approx. 5:30, 6:00 am, have breakfast with one another, etc. I catch my train just before 8 am. At present, on two days when she doesn't volunteer at the place where she will soon be working, she walks with me to the train station.

 

I do believe that this will improve her self esteem, anxiety, etc. issues. I won't ask her not to take this job, but I did ask her to speak with her boss about the availability of other positions during the day and to keep her abreast of changing her hours when that opportunity becomes available. She has not done this because she says she is afraid to.

 

Likewise, she would work late as 10 pm, work weekends, etc. with her last job in part because of the demands of her job but also because she was unwilling/unable to create some semblance of work/life balance likely due to anxiety.

 

This inability and/or unwillingness to communicate with her boss about her present and future hours reinforces my view that she is being insensitive to my concerns. If I thought this was temporary and that she would seek out other employment in the same field during the day and/or with this same office, I would be more at peace with this.

 

I appreciate your advice JamesM.

[laRubiaBonita]

If he wants to spend that time with you, why doesn't he take your class?

 

i have asked!!!! he will come and swim laps with me though!

[laRubiaBonita]

I do believe that this will improve her self esteem, anxiety, etc. issues. I won't ask her not to take this job, but I did ask her to speak with her boss about the availability of other positions during the day and to keep her abreast of changing her hours when that opportunity becomes available. She has not done this because she says she is afraid to.

 

 

 

This inability and/or unwillingness to communicate with her boss about her present and future hours reinforces my view that she is being insensitive to my concerns. If I thought this was temporary and that she would seek out other employment in the same field during the day and/or with this same office, I would be more at peace with this.

 

are you/ have you always been THIS controling?

[seibert253]

James.

Making "requests" or demands too soon after finding employment is a good way to find yourself unemployed.

 

This job obviously means something to your wife, or she wouldn't be willing to sacrifice some time with you. If it's important to your wife, it should be important to you, as is vice versa.

 

I'm not sure you've voiced your concerns, wants, and needs to her in a way she can fully understand.

This is exciting and new to her, obviously she's gonna be a little selfish about this. To me, it seems like something she really wants to do.

 

So, give it a trial run. Here's a plan:

Sit down with her, fully voice your concerns, wishes, and needs in regards to this situation. Also get her to voice hers. Together, come up with a long range goal and game plan of what the two of you want to come out of this.

Then, go forward and give it time. If your wife is a good employee, after some time her boss will be willing to compromise on hours, duties, etc in order to retain her.

Give it 30 or 60 days, then sit back and re evaluate. Be open minded. Consider your wife's wants and needs in situation. You may find you guys are closer on those than you think.

[JamesM]

are you/ have you always been THIS controling?

 

I don't see this as controlling. I do see it as overly concerned about the future and possibly a bit self motivated.

 

Having concerns or frustrations does not equal an attempt at controlling one's spouse.

[blair08]

Its wonderful you want to spend more time together and that she doesn't have to work if she doesn't want too. However, maybe she does want to. I think to its good for people to have some kind of independence from their spouse as far as maybe earning a little money,even if its a part time. Probably makes her feel good that she is earning a little money and a feeling of accomplishment. To me 4-7 isn't bad. Now if you worked all day long and she left to go to work when you got in and worked a second shift job where she didn't come home until midnight, then I could understand your concern a little more, because there wouldn't be any time for togetherness.

[laRubiaBonita]

I don't see this as controlling. I do see it as overly concerned about the future and possibly a bit self motivated.

 

Having concerns or frustrations does not equal an attempt at controlling one's spouse.

not controling-controling i guess, but it seems like he is definately either trying to overertly protect her or keep tabs.....

 

and saying she is unwilling to seek other hours... well she hasn't even started yet- how is she supposed to do that...

 

and what if she hates it and quits anyways....

 

if she was going to school would you feel this way too?

[youngmarried1]

@laRubiaBonita

 

As far as being controlling goes, I think all married couples have preferences some stronger than others on any number of issues: from what to eat for dinner to whether or not to have children.

 

I just happen to have strong feelings as it relates to quantity of time with my spouse.

 

We have either made sacrifices to allow time for one another or were able to include one another in our activities such as my community meetings her church activities and double dates with her friends.

 

This job, however, has been more challenging since I have felt that she is choosing her professional happiness over time together and because it doesn't allow for how we have traditionally minimized time apart.

 

@seiber253, others

 

I am, however, more at peace with the "trial" run and reevaluating my own feelings and soliciting feedback from my wife as to her happiness with her job and schedule several months down the road.

 

@JamesM

 

I am interested in where you see self-motivation. Love "is not self-seeking" (1 Corinthians 13:5); I will certainly wrestle with any self-motivation if you can point me in the right direction.

[youngmarried1]

@blair08

 

My wife does want to work outside the home. I appreciate that she wants to make some money. Among other things, she said it feels strange for her to buy Christmas for me with money that I earned. I understand those feelings.

 

Thanks for your feedback. I agree and between your and other peoples' feedback I am going to try and focus more on the benefits of this situation instead of the concerns that I have.

[whichwayisup]

Also, she is in counseling for anxiety, etc. so this represents a big step for her. Anxiety is one of the reasons that she hasn't been looking for a job until recently. I'm happy for her that she has made many positive steps. What do I want to happen here? I want to 1) be a supportive husband and 2) prevent our lives from drifting away from one another. I'm looking for some feedback on steps that I can take to do these things in this situation.

 

2 hours away from you and the house and her coming home abit after 7pm, is NOT going to make you grow apart. Infact, it'll make the marriage BETTER because SHE will have more to talk about ..She will feel better about herself because of her anxiety, going out on a limb and getting a job IS A BIG DEAL. So what if it's 5-7. BE supportive for her. Right now this has to be about her and this job. An accomplishment to go do that!

 

I think you're abit scared because she's been relying on you so much, being at home, not out in the real world, that maybe you're worried she won't depend on you as much? Or have fun without you? Her becoming more independant? If I'm off base here, please let me know..

 

Anyway, I say see how this goes. Go to bed later.. Again, 2 hours of her not there in the evening is NOT going to ruin your marriage. It will though if you control her and blame her.

[JamesM]

@JamesM

 

I am interested in where you see self-motivation. Love "is not self-seeking" (1 Corinthians 13:5); I will certainly wrestle with any self-motivation if you can point me in the right direction.

 

My feeling and this comes from experience with my wife choosing a different shift, is that your concern here is about the amount of time she will spend with YOU.

 

YOU get home and she is not there.

 

It starts with the title of this thread and continues during your first post.

 

My wife took a job that takes our evenings away

 

I am, however, more upset than happy since I get home from work before 5 pm and she won't be home for another 2 / 2.5 hours M-F.

 

She knew before this job became available that spending time with one another is important to me particularly while we are young and don't have our future children's activities competing for our time

 

I am also hurt because she seems more concerned about getting off for Thanksgiving to visit her out of town family than considering how this hurts me and our marriage.

 

I understand your feelings, but I also understand how changes like this can have little effect on a relationship IF it is not allowed. Your feelings are probably shared by a number of spouses who have been in similar situations, but I can say that the loss of two hours can be dealt with.

[youngmarried1]

@whichwayisup

 

I would say that a variation of what you're saying is true. I used to, and do now to a lesser degree, want to protect her from the difficulties that she experienced in the past and worry that she might experience in the future. I understand that that largely manifests itself in unhealthy ways. I take seriously my role as the protector of my family, but occasionally fail to keep it in check.

[whichwayisup]

I completely understand that.. But, you have to let her go abit, loosen up the reins. She is doing something amazing - 2 hours each day of work! To her, this is a huge step into her recovery of anxiety and she's taken control of herself back. I get her mindset about this as I suffered from anxiety in the past as well. I did see a therapist for it and now it's under control, so the main thing is, her getting "herself" back and being independant. You worrying about her is normal, wanting to protect her from any pain or bad experiences, but the role you need to take is a supportive happy one and see it as she's grown into a stronger woman..Doesn't mean she still won't need you, just will need you in a different way. I'm sure before you "looked" after her, almost like a parent/child angle. Hope this makes sense to you.

[laRubiaBonita]

My feeling and this comes from experience with my wife choosing a different shift, is that your concern here is about the amount of time she will spend with YOU.

 

YOU get home and she is not there.

 

It starts with the title of this thread and continues during your first post.

 

I understand your feelings, but I also understand how changes like this can have little effect on a relationship IF it is not allowed. Your feelings are probably shared by a number of spouses who have been in similar situations, but I can say that the loss of two hours can be dealt with.

 

gosh- i wish i could say stuff like james.....

 

the way i feel/ felt when my husband said he wanted me to cut back work was that of resentment... now I have to change for him...

 

i know it sounds selfish on my part.. me not wanting to appease my husband, but why should i have to cut out activities i enjoy?

 

get what i mean?

[youngmarried1]

Agree @laRubiaBonita, JamesM has articulated his thoughts clearly but not insensitively.

 

The trouble with time is that it is a zero-sum game. laRubiaBonita works on Sunday and her husband feels abandoned. She concedes to stay home feels resentment. The same applies in my own situation.

 

I understand where you're coming from and am glad that you have posted particularly since I'm coming from the opposite position and needed a greater understanding of where my wife is coming from. You are uniquely qualified to explain how she might feel having a similar situation.

[frustrated_one]

I guess I am the odd man out on this one because I totally side with the OP.

 

Call me old fashioned, but once a woman is married, I believe she needs to find her life within her husband's life. Believe me, I know I am going to catch holy hell for this one.

 

The husband is the head of the family and as wives, our job is to support our husbands. If that means working outside the home, then it should be done so that it does not interfere with your family time.

 

With this decision, it is completely understandable that the message you are receiving loud and clear is, "You are not as important to me as this job."

 

Why even bother to get married if you are only going to see each other for a precious few hours a week? I really don't care what "other couples" do - you said you both wanted to make it a priority to enjoy your time together before children come into the picture. This decision does not support that supposedly-shared priority.

 

You do not have children and you want to spend time with her, oh you horrible man! (she says sarcastically). Once children come along, are you planning on having them raised by a day care or will one of you be staying home to impart your family values to your children?

 

I guess you should be happy getting a couple hours here and there . . . the crumbs, the "left overs" - NOT prime time. Very sad.

 

OP - I have had my own challenging situation with my husband these last few weeks and everyone on this forum who has given me their comments has helped to one degree or another. Ultimately, once you have sounded out the opinions of others, you must decide.

 

Getting advice is good, but since you do not know what values others hold, it can be tricky on a board trying to suss it all out.

 

It comes down to communication and values. You need to sit her down, take her hand in yours and look her in the eyes and tell her how this decision makes you feel. You need to discuss your values as a couple and how you are going to live and uphold those values.

 

As you've learned in the short time you've been married, there is compromise to be made and we need to pick our battles. This is a biggie.

 

Ultimately, once the two of you have discussed all that surrounds this issue, YOU are the one who should decide what is best for your family. YOU are the head of your family.

 

It is important to value and consider all her insights, but this is your decison because she is your wife, and as her husband you have a God-given responsibility to take care of her the best way you can. Treat her with love and respect and make the best decision that will honor the values you want to uphold in your marriage.

[hopeful1980]

FO, she needs to find a life within her husband's life? Does he need to find a life within hers?

 

Why is it so one sided? She has to give up her autonomy, but he doesn't? I'm all for supporting my husband and I am willing to compromise when he wants to spend time with me, however I expect the same from him.

 

If the OPs wife has a need to have her own friends, money, and job to feel a sense of individuality, what is the big deal?

[frustrated_one]

Because woman was created for man - not the other way around. Woman was created for the specific purpose of being a help mate. Once we are married, we become a wife and our ultimate happiness is in finding our lives within our husbands, however that may be defined.

 

The OP is not saying she can't have her own friends, money, job, etc. but that it should be done within the many hours she has available that do not interfere with their time together. That is more than reasonable.

 

FO, she needs to find a life within her husband's life? Does he need to find a life within hers?

 

Why is it so one sided? She has to give up her autonomy, but he doesn't? I'm all for supporting my husband and I am willing to compromise when he wants to spend time with me, however I expect the same from him.

 

If the OPs wife has a need to have her own friends, money, and job to feel a sense of individuality, what is the big deal?

[carhill]

She has to give up her autonomy, but he doesn't?

He gives up his autonomy to protect her and support her, as any man who's been divorced will gently share with you.

 

OP, how does your wife feel about this additional time she's spending away from you? I skimmed a bit and didn't see anything significant about her feelings here. Also, I sense that she's not sitting around all day but rather has an otherwise full life, even with the anxiety issues. True? False? How does that factor in?

 

Personally, and my stbx and I both have businesses that demand odd hours, I wouldn't sweat it unless I felt unappreciated or that I was bending too much. Then I'd communicate a hard boundary and stick with it. It's about self-respect. If you don't respect yourself, a woman surely won't resepct you. BTDT. Best wishes