Author kirby Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Intellectually, I KNOW that it is not worth what I am getting out of this right now. Which is basically 2-3 hrs/month, a few texts and phone calls. I keep telling myself that I need to just stop responding. I need to get back to a platonic friendship. I'm just not sure this is possible. I have always believed and lived by the saying "you are where you want to be". He obviously wants to be where he is and with whom. Actions, not words, are what ultimately tell you what you NEED to know. Not necessarily what you WANT to know but what you NEED to know. I realize I should have never let this get to the point that it has. I should NOT be at this crossroads at this point in my life. He never did promise me anything, we never discussed a relationship or the possibility of a future. But what it boils down to is the fact that I cannot survive a 2-3x per month relationship. I just need to toughen up and be done with it! But how??!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 As you said you are where you want to be. There is always a way to change any situation you don't want to be in. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I have always believed and lived by the saying "you are where you want to be". So is this where you want to be? No? Then get out there and live your life. Meet other people. Get involved with things that you care about and develop new passions and interests. Meet new friends. Meet new men. Travel and see new places and see that there are a lot of different ways to live your life. All of that will make 2-3 hrs/month, plus a few texts and phone calls, seem rather paltry compared to what you can have. And that will make him seem far less interesting. He's your crutch, right now. You're leaning on him, on his attention and flirtation, for the passion missing in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I just need to toughen up and be done with it! But how??!! Hugs kirby. The "how" is the really difficult part! If it's what you really want to do, then you just do it. Like NOT eating that 2nd slice of chocolate cake if your goal is weight loss. Yes, your 'inner chocoholic' is going to feel VERY unhappy and deprived; may throw a big tantrum like a 2-year old. Then you just be very gentle (not "tough") with that part of you, and remind it why you are not responding to the texts and emails. It's like this: You do POSSESS the will power...but you also have to activate it. And that doesn't come easy. You have to fight to stay in charge of your will...but you can "fight" fair and gently; use reason and rewards. It's still hell difficult, though. Just like dieting or quitting smoking/alcohol/drugs -- this will need the same kinds of strategies. It's hell difficult but you CAN do it, if that's what you really want. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirby Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Ronni W said you can do it if that's what you really want. Problem is... It's not. If it was, it would not be so difficult to break down the communication. What I REALLY want is not in the forseeable future. I spoke with him this morning, I wanted to be able to not take the call (at work), but I did enjoy hearing from him and as usual had a fun and light-hearted conversation. He is a very joyful spirit. I can understand why people think it is the attention and compliments that they shower you with that is the attraction. However, for me, it is something less superficial. I do believe there is tremendous physical attraction, on both sides, but I also have this strange feeling about him that I have NEVER had about anyone else. He is so much like me in so many ways. Demeanor, temperament, intellect, sense of humor, lifestyle choices, etc.. He has noticed it too. So... compliments and attention aside, there is a deeper, stronger force that I am fighting here. My goal is to be unavailable next time he comes to town. He typically lets me know that day, sometimes 24hr notice. I think it would be easier if his visits were more frequent, then it wouldn't be such a big deal if we missed one, but right now we BOTH look forward to them. All I can do is try. Thanks to all for the good thoughts. ~Kirby Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Ronni W said you can do it if that's what you really want. Problem is... It's not. Yep, that's kind of what I thought. But then kirby, don't beat-up on yourself about taking his calls and responding to his emails and texts. Do it because it makes you feel good to do it; because it adds something positive and meaningful to your life. Do it with an honest, open, glad, receptive heart because it is making you feel good. Focus on the love feelings that are here NOW, not on any pain that may come in the future. Feel empowered when you do it; not all yucky and guilty and crap. Which is also not easy...but at least it's more enjoyable to strive for, yes? Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirby Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Yep, that's kind of what I thought. But then kirby, don't beat-up on yourself about taking his calls and responding to his emails and texts. Do it because it makes you feel good to do it; because it adds something positive and meaningful to your life. Do it with an honest, open, glad, receptive heart because it is making you feel good. Focus on the love feelings that are here NOW, not on any pain that may come in the future. Feel empowered when you do it; not all yucky and guilty and crap. Which is also not easy...but at least it's more enjoyable to strive for, yes? Hugs. Ronni -- Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have been struggling with these feelings of guilt, joy, sadness, love, emptiness... And to have someone basically say it's ok to feel what you are feeling is very comforting. It shows a lot of compassion, and I appreciate it. I don't want this situation to escalate to the point that I am unable to think rationally and make sound decisions, so therefore, I really need to begin the process of restricting, and ultimately removing all contact. I do need to empower myself; and the only way to do that is to make choices that are right for me, and not wait for him to determine the outcome. I'm setting this out as a goal for myself..... We'll see ~Kirby Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 a personal question: Why was I still single? Any thoughts on what this might mean? He's just paying you a compliments. You'll hear plenty more until he finally gets you in the sack. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I have been struggling with these feelings of guilt, joy, sadness, love, emptiness... And to have someone basically say it's ok to feel what you are feeling is very comforting. kirby, yes it definitely is okay! I know it's so hard to find a...balance...I guess, between the really high feelings and those really low, yucky ones; difficult to find some space that feels 'comfortable' enough to even want to exist there. But find that space you must, and the only way (of which I'm aware) is to somehow be okay with / accepting of ALL of it -- the good, the bad and the ugly. It's all there, anyway, right? Resistance just makes it worse; taints even the good stuff. Sorry to have brought tears to your eyes...like you need that, huh? Or. Maybe they helped to wash away something that needed to be let go? In which case...well done! Good luck with achieving your goal...definitely do not leave your fate in the hands of others. Conscious decisions, that's all it'll take to be off to a really good start. I really, really do feel where you are. I know it's so...everything! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Ronni -- Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have been struggling with these feelings of guilt, joy, sadness, love, emptiness... And to have someone basically say it's ok to feel what you are feeling is very comforting. It shows a lot of compassion, and I appreciate it. I don't want this situation to escalate to the point that I am unable to think rationally and make sound decisions, so therefore, I really need to begin the process of restricting, and ultimately removing all contact. I do need to empower myself; and the only way to do that is to make choices that are right for me, and not wait for him to determine the outcome. I'm setting this out as a goal for myself..... We'll see ~Kirby Its okay to feel the feelings, but not to ignore the consequences of those feelings. Like you said, you need to make sure not to get to the point of not being able to think rationally. I fear you are a lot closer to that than you are willing to admit to yourself. So, reclaim your power now, not later. Later might be too late when you aren't able to make more rational decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
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