ThanksForTheBruise Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hi everyone: I just found this forum today (11/12/09) so I figured I'd get my story out to vent my concerns and receive your opinions. Here's the story... My husband is in jail for domestic violence (2nd offense). I lived through two years of his controlling behaviour, physical abuse, and alcoholism; I think I'm finally ready for a divorce. When I went to visit him in jail last year he just wanted out. He wanted bail money and a lawyer. This time it's totally different so, now I'm a little confused. -He doesn't want out of jail yet because he says he's not ready. He said he wants to stay and learn his lesson. -He apologized for all the hurt he caused me. -He apologized for not working and letting me carry the financial burden while he controlled all of MY money. He wants me to control the money now so that he cannot buy alcohol. -He wants to be baptized at our church and live a righteous and sober life. It seems to me that God is really working on his heart while he's in jail. I know that God can change him, I have absolutely no doubt. I just don't know if I should give him a chance and postpone the divorce, or go ahead and file and pray that God's will be done either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Thanks...first off..I want to say that I am sorry for your experience. Domestic violence is a very tragic thing...I'm sorry that any man would treat you in this fashion. I work with a lot of victims and perpetrators of domestic violence in my practice. In my opinion and from my experience there are two kins of batterers. One is the kind that is out of control. This is someone that has an issue with learning how to express their emotions in a healthy and non abusive manner. There is hope for someone like this, but it will take a person really wanting to get better and to dig dep and learn the roots of their behavior. The second person is one that wants control. They are not out of control...they have plenty and want to control the victim as well. This is the kind of person that uses many non violent control tactics. This is the type of person that presents as a charming and great guy to everyone else. The kind of guy that when the police show up looks cool, and the victim loses it and gets taken in. There is not a lot of hope that this person will change. Therapy often only teached these batterers new methods of control. Here's the hard thing...it is not always easy to tell which is which. For that reason I would advise you to start working with a local organization for victims of domestic violence. While your husband is in jail you can start preparing to get yourself into a safe situation. You will also learn more about the dynamics of abuse, even you have done this before, go in for a refresher and the support. I also read that he is struggling with alcoholism. He is in for a long road, and a lot of work. Maybe he should do this without you. You could seperate. Get your own finances. That way he can come to you after some time. After he has been sober for awhile. After he has done some therapy. Then he can prove to you that he has changed. His words don't count for much...not now...he lost the benefit of a doubt when hehlayed a finger on you. Listen to his actions...not his words. I do have one question for you...do you have children? If you do, it may be time to just leave now, without giving him a chance. If e are talking real...chances are...it will happen again. So if he is lucky enough for you to give him a chance...make it on your terms...and be safe. Let me know how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 As to whether he will change and has learned his lesson, that's still a risk you're taking in being back with him. The point is that he was physical abusive and controlling as well. You'll never forget how much he hurt you and what if another argument arises, how do you know he won't hurt you again??? If you have kids, what type of example are you teaching them in staying with your abusive husband. What will you tell them once they know he's been in jail and they want to find out why?? You would be setting a bad example for both you as a mother and the kid(s) (if you have any) plus it's another a bad example of a wife.... I would say go straight filing for divorce, go back to your initial plan.. Don't fool yourself with emotions, go straight back to logic... Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 If you have kids, what type of example are you teaching them in staying with your abusive husband. What will you tell them once they know he's been in jail and they want to find out why?? You would be setting a bad example for both you as a mother and the kid(s) (if you have any) plus it's another a bad example of a wife.... I would say go straight filing for divorce, go back to your initial plan.. Don't fool yourself with emotions, go straight back to logic... This is so true. Most of the victims of domestic violence I work with witnessed domestic violence in the home as children. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 This is so true. Most of the victims of domestic violence I work with witnessed domestic violence in the home as children.I agree with that statement. Reason I state this is because once in a while when my parents used to argue, I saw my father hit my mother due to her ''Throwing tantrums at him'' when she was told to shut up but still, not excuse... I know there was a lot more love in the house than their once in a while argument but even so, it created an impact on my personal growth from a girl to a woman, view on relationship, men, and self-control as well. No, they never took it out on me when they had their arguments but still, I was a kid, around 8-10 (everything could be heard) and off course those images never really went away. His excuse.. ''she cursing (saying all the nasty words and throwing tantrums'', which is true but still.. Isn't hitting only suppost to meant for self-defense cases if your life is threatening???? Not if you're screaming at someone who throws a tantrum at you to shut up or you'll go off on them... What I got from my father in his own way of thinking is ''A woman can't say nasty words or talked back to a man, throwing tantrums or he will have to use physical force on her or restrain her''.... NO, NO.. When I married my boyfriend, I'll make sure he never lays a hand on me, not even if I called him a nasty word, no excuse. If so it's over, not to mention I will hit him back... Gotta admit, I'm working on self-control as well. I don't want to become the female version of a controller.. If what my dad was saying was true then would that give me the rights to slap, punch my future husband because he called me a nasty word or threw a tantrum on me??? Would it?? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 (. . .) It seems to me that God is really working on his heart while he's in jail. I know that God can change him, I have absolutely no doubt. I just don't know if I should give him a chance and postpone the divorce, or go ahead and file and pray that God's will be done either way. First of all, TftB, well done for posting and thank you for your story. Secondly, I am of the opinion that we can call on God, byut we must row away from the rocks. in other words, god might be able to change him, but the effort has to be heart-bound, not heaven-bound. he has to do the work. I would - if you think it right - hold on the divorce stuff, but with a whomping, huge, enormous gigantic proviso: he moves out. He gets help, and does the leg work. he gets supervision, enrols on a program, and gets professional help. And he doesn't come near you until they think it's ok. By all means keep in contact, encourage him, and congratulate him on the apparent about-turn. But protect yourself. And tell him he will have to put his money where his mouth is. Actions, dearest, actions. Speak waaaay louder than words. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThanksForTheBruise Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 Thanks to everyone who replied. You have all given me much to think about. I should have mentioned in my original post that we do not have children (thank God!). Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Thanks to everyone who replied. You have all given me much to think about. I should have mentioned in my original post that we do not have children (thank God!).You're welcome and glad to hear from you back. Thanks goodness you don't have kids with this monster. That's what I called abusers. Without kids, that makes divorce much easier for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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