confession. scared.

[LonelyTiger]

I have a question for all the guys who've been posting on here saying that Ann should just forget about the physical attraction and make the marriage 'work'............

 

Would you, could you, honestly, spend the rest of your life married to a woman you found physically repulsive?

[ann09]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ann09

 

My kids do not know about my cheating and they never will.

 

 

 

 

 

They absolutely will Ann. There is no way to hide them from it. It will come out. I am sorry but do not use that as an excuse. Even if they do not hear it directly they will suspect something. Maybe even suspect your H was unfaithful and a WAH!!! What would you think if you ended the M and your kids blad their Dad?

 

Do you have an answer for scorpmale's question re: filing?

 

 

I am not filing - we are coming to agreements on a lot of things right now and are going to do this the easiest way possible and most likely stay out of court. (I know this is hard to believe - but we are still great friends. Messed up, huh)

 

I would NEVER want them to blame their father. I wouldn't let that happen and would take FULL blame if it ever came to that.

[ann09]

I have a question for all the guys who've been posting on here saying that Ann should just forget about the physical attraction and make the marriage 'work'............

 

Would you, could you, honestly, spend the rest of your life married to a woman you found physically repulsive?

 

 

Gosh this is a tough one for me. I feel so....superficial in saying that I am just not attracted to him. They are hard words to speak. I just had my two sister in laws tell me to just SLEEP with him - lay there if I have to - just to please him. I can't. I can't explain why. I don't know how to put it into words.

 

We had a very deep discussion a few weeks ago. All about the OM. He wanted details and I gave them to him. It was a tough 2 hour talk. Afterwards, I was watching him with one of our kids and my heart broke in half. Not just for him, but for the dissolve of our beautiful family. I called him into the next room and we hugged. The hug said a lot - I can't explain that one either. Then, when the hug was about over - our faces were closed and we kissed - and I WANTED it to feel right - to have something spark in me - but it didn't. The opposite happened. After we pulled away and I was alone that same feeling came over me - that wrong wrong wrong feeling. I WANTED TO FEEL IT.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I have a question for all the guys who've been posting on here saying that Ann should just forget about the physical attraction and make the marriage 'work'............

 

Would you, could you, honestly, spend the rest of your life married to a woman you found physically repulsive?

 

Cheaters lie...She said it in her posts that he's very physically fit and handsome. She doesnt find him attractive because in her mind she's fallen out of love with him.

 

She doesnt understand love is a choice. She is choosing not to love him because she had an affair and her own self worth is realizing maybe i dont love him if i banged another dude. Alot of WS's females that cheat and leave the marriage will somehow regret it sooner or later.

 

People here probably think Ann is making a bad decision, but that is hers to make. I've already told her the grass isnt greener and the husband deserves better. She agrees he needs to find someone more amazing than her. better looking, better wife and mother. better than her.

 

I hope he finds it. Ann wants to do, what ann wants to do.

 

It could take about 2 years rebuilding a marriage from an affair, but ann doesnt have it in her. She's running away.

[ann09]

She is choosing not to love him because she had an affair and her own self worth is realizing maybe i dont love him if i banged another dude.

 

 

First off, I find this extremely offensive. Enough said about that.

 

Yes, I cheated and I lied. Wrong on every level and if I could take it all back, I would. I would have made better decisions. But I can't take it back. I was miserable and unhappy and found happiness - the wrong way.

I don't believe love is a "choice". I believe love is a feeling and an emotion. I could go have coffee with Joe Shmo down the street and not "choose" to love him. You either LOVE or you don't. Maybe I am different but I can't FORCE myself to love someone. AND TRUST ME I HAVE TRIED.

[ann09]

so what, if he is drinking or screwing a bartender....do you want him to be alone , pathetic or pine for a cheater....anyways good for him

 

what i am asking you what is stopping you from filing ...???

i remember he asked you to work on M, but you haven't...

he asked you to stay in house,he asked you to do not work...you accepted it gladly.....then why say i wanted to work 3 jobs, i do not want any paycheck from him ....when you actually do not mean them...

 

I did work on our marriage. A lot. More than I can tell you.

 

 

I don't want him to be alone pining for me. Never said that. Only was trying to get my point across that this man does not WANT to stay in the house and raise our 3 kids. It's not a matter of me not letting him - he doesn't WANT to.

 

I need to get offline now. This is proving difficult for me in trying to defend myself. I have been working awfully hard to better myself as a person and change - everyday is a struggle but everyday I don't lie or bull**** someone is a good day for me. And I am succeeding for once. I can't come here and read about what a liar, cheater or hateful person I am - it's not doing me much good.

[Chrome Barracuda]

First off, I find this extremely offensive. Enough said about that.

 

Yes, I cheated and I lied. Wrong on every level and if I could take it all back, I would. I would have made better decisions. But I can't take it back. I was miserable and unhappy and found happiness - the wrong way.

I don't believe love is a "choice". I believe love is a feeling and an emotion. I could go have coffee with Joe Shmo down the street and not "choose" to love him. You either LOVE or you don't. Maybe I am different but I can't FORCE myself to love someone. AND TRUST ME I HAVE TRIED.

 

Well it is what it is. and it is what happened.

 

You could make things right but like i said, you arent cut out for the long haul. You want out, not him, YOU!!!

 

You was miserable and unhappy, but what part of an affair would you think would make you happy, you do not solve problems by creating another potential problem out of it! happiness comes from within. If you was so miserable and crabby and unhappy, how come your husband didnt have an affair???? hmmm?

 

You tried, just havent tried hard enough. Like i said it may take years for you guys to recover from an affair, but you arent cut out for it. Just admit it!

[SummerLady]

Cheaters lie...She said it in her posts that he's very physically fit and handsome. She doesnt find him attractive because in her mind she's fallen out of love with him.

 

She doesnt understand love is a choice. She is choosing not to love him because she had an affair and her own self worth is realizing maybe i dont love him if i banged another dude. Alot of WS's females that cheat and leave the marriage will somehow regret it sooner or later.

 

People here probably think Ann is making a bad decision, but that is hers to make. I've already told her the grass isnt greener and the husband deserves better. She agrees he needs to find someone more amazing than her. better looking, better wife and mother. better than her.

 

I hope he finds it. Ann wants to do, what ann wants to do.

 

It could take about 2 years rebuilding a marriage from an affair, but ann doesnt have it in her. She's running away.

 

Chrome speaks the truth, always does.

[ann09]

If you was so miserable and crabby and unhappy, how come your husband didnt have an affair???? hmmm?

 

 

He is a better person than I am.

 

I was weak and selfish and it felt so good to love someone and feel loved back. It was everything I had been missing. I got everything I wanted. Security at home - and love away from home. I was wrong to everyone in my life - everyone. My H, my kids, my family and friends, the OM, and myself.

 

I have zero defense for my actions. I was in true denial about who I really was. You are very right - happiness comes from within. I'm still trying to figure all this out.

 

Ever think I get defensive only because your words hit me hard?

[FreeNow]

I was weak and selfish and it felt so good to love someone and feel loved back. It was everything I had been missing.

 

ann09, think The Wizard of Oz... Undoubtedly many posting here have already realized for themselves that true and lasting happiness comes from within. You are desperately seeking the Wizard when everything you need for true and lasting happiness is at your feet.

 

"Everything" that you are "missing" comes from within. You state that you have a husband and family that loves you, security, etc. The only nonfunctional piece of the puzzle is your "feelings". You can choose to chase that externally and never find it because it is within you all the while. That would be foolishness. Wisdom should tell you that working on the problem, aka you, can be done without destroying the family of your children. Many parents, myself included, have sacrificed the selfish sort of "happiness" for a more selfless sort whereas we know our children are safe, happy, and growing to their full potential as individuals. What you are really chasing is a myth and the real fairy tale never ends well. At best you will simply learn to delude yourself into believing that it was the best thing you ever did for yourself. If you eventually delude yourself even more then you will conclude further that it was the best thing you ever did for your children and husband. It won't make it anymore true in the future than it is right now.

 

If you really choose not to face reality then it likely is better that you cut your husband and children loose. Hopefully he and the children will find someone to take your place as their loving mother and his loyal spouse.

[michelleco]

Ann, just wanted to add that you are not a terrible, disgusting person. You're a good person with a good heart and a soul-desire to feel love and to be loved. I could relate to some of your story...that desire to please other people/make others happy can really turn on you, can't it? I was in a similar marriage at one point in my life, too.

 

I agree with the posters that have said that what you're looking for is really found within. It's really easy to make a new person 'everything my spouse is not,' in your head. The reality of the situation is that there will always be things about people that will drive you nuts, make you unhappy and disappoint. It's the nature of relationships. Not to say this other man couldn't make you happy, but I just caution you against rose-colored glasses. The fact is, you're unhappy in your marriage. Would you be better off on your own (with or without someone else)? That's the question you need to answer.

 

Your spouse is controlling and I feel for you. You shouldn't ever have to feel controlled.

 

Try to concern yourself less with what others think and start putting yourself first -- that is to say, keeping your kids top of mind, of course, too. Which I'm sure you do.

 

Take good care.

[Chrome Barracuda]

WTF, how is her spouse controlling? He didnt want ann out banging other dudes??? that's controlling really?

 

From what ann piosted he didnt fight her on the OM, that was her choce. She had the affair unabated! She made the choice to tell her husband about it. She ended it reluctantly wiith the OM, it was all on her to where she had the affair. No one can make you sleep with anyone. it's your choice to do so...

[ann09]

WTF, how is her spouse controlling? He didnt want ann out banging other dudes??? that's controlling really?

 

From what ann piosted he didnt fight her on the OM, that was her choce. She had the affair unabated! She made the choice to tell her husband about it. She ended it reluctantly wiith the OM, it was all on her to where she had the affair. No one can make you sleep with anyone. it's your choice to do so...

 

 

Ok....first off - not that it makes an iota of a difference, but I wasn't out "banging" other dudes. I fell in love with someone - and yes, that was my decision. Your bluntness is probably justified - but there is a wee little bit in me that needs to jump to my own defense. I don't give myself out very easily - never have. In fact I have been with very few men in my lifetime. Again, not trying to make myself out to be angelic - it IS what it is. But I digress...

 

He didn't control me to do anything. He is a very controlling person by nature - although I do recognize that I haev always allowed him to control my life - it was almost nice in the beginning. He took the riegns and I let him. Have I become resentful of that now? Sure. But I have started to recognize this isn't his fault - but my own.

 

Lots of soul searching lately - discovering I am a very weak individual and I don't want to continue to be this way in my life. With my husband, without him, with another man, or alone.....I am trying FOR ONCE to see who I truly am without someone guiding me and telling me exactly how to be.

[ann09]

ann09, think The Wizard of Oz... Undoubtedly many posting here have already realized for themselves that true and lasting happiness comes from within. You are desperately seeking the Wizard when everything you need for true and lasting happiness is at your feet.

 

"Everything" that you are "missing" comes from within. You state that you have a husband and family that loves you, security, etc. The only nonfunctional piece of the puzzle is your "feelings". You can choose to chase that externally and never find it because it is within you all the while. That would be foolishness. Wisdom should tell you that working on the problem, aka you, can be done without destroying the family of your children. Many parents, myself included, have sacrificed the selfish sort of "happiness" for a more selfless sort whereas we know our children are safe, happy, and growing to their full potential as individuals. What you are really chasing is a myth and the real fairy tale never ends well. At best you will simply learn to delude yourself into believing that it was the best thing you ever did for yourself. If you eventually delude yourself even more then you will conclude further that it was the best thing you ever did for your children and husband. It won't make it anymore true in the future than it is right now.

 

If you really choose not to face reality then it likely is better that you cut your husband and children loose. Hopefully he and the children will find someone to take your place as their loving mother and his loyal spouse.

 

NO ONE will take my place as my children's mother. No one. And

if you said that to my husband, he would jump up and say the exact same thing.

[FreeNow]

NO ONE will take my place as my children's mother. No one. And you said that to my husband, he would jump up and say the exact same thing.

 

Wanna bet?

 

He says that now but essentially someone will replace you. That is the reality. How will you "feel" then?

[ann09]

Ann, just wanted to add that you are not a terrible, disgusting person. You're a good person with a good heart and a soul-desire to feel love and to be loved. I could relate to some of your story...that desire to please other people/make others happy can really turn on you, can't it? I was in a similar marriage at one point in my life, too.

 

I agree with the posters that have said that what you're looking for is really found within. It's really easy to make a new person 'everything my spouse is not,' in your head. The reality of the situation is that there will always be things about people that will drive you nuts, make you unhappy and disappoint. It's the nature of relationships. Not to say this other man couldn't make you happy, but I just caution you against rose-colored glasses. The fact is, you're unhappy in your marriage. Would you be better off on your own (with or without someone else)? That's the question you need to answer.

 

Your spouse is controlling and I feel for you. You shouldn't ever have to feel controlled.

 

Try to concern yourself less with what others think and start putting yourself first -- that is to say, keeping your kids top of mind, of course, too. Which I'm sure you do.

 

Take good care.

 

Thank you. Yes, I would be better off on my own than in my current situation. It's not healthy to live like I am - certainly not for me OR my H. Life without love and affection is very lonely.

[ann09]

Wanna bet?

 

He says that now but essentially someone will replace you. That is the reality. How will you "feel" then?

 

 

I hope someone replaces me for HIM. I hope he eventually finds someone who will love him and make him happy. I truly and honestly do.

 

He and I talk daily about all this. He always tells me that he couldn't have asked for a better mother for his kids. Even with knowing what he knows about me. I am hopeful he will find love and of course she would be a part of my kids lives. But I am their mother. And that is my first priority in this world. They come before anyone to me.

 

I may have cheated and screwed up royally - but I do take exceptionally good care of my 3 kids and love them everyday. I take pride in that - I don't have much else to be proud of I'm afraid. Deep down, I really strive to be a decent person. I will hate myself forever for what I have done and how my life has turned out - but I will always love my kids and do anything to make them happy and feel loved.

[ann09]

yes her spouse is tooo controlling, that's the reason she had an affair behind his back ....seems to be good analysis

 

 

There is no excuse for what I did. I am not trying to make one (anymore...I did for a long time). I will not justify my behavior by saying he was controlling. Yes, there are many things that I could point my finger at with him - and I have - but what it comes down to is, I cheated and he didn't. Don't any of you think that I don't feel tremendous, heavy guilt about that?

[FreeNow]

He always tells me that he couldn't have asked for a better mother for his kids.

 

Except for a mother that wouldn't break up their family that is. Perhaps one that isn't so, how did you write... selfish, perhaps.

 

I am hopeful he will find love and of course she would be a part of my kids lives.

 

He probably will and at that point she will be a huge part of their lives. I don't have to convince you of this since you will find out.

 

But I am their mother. And that is my first priority in this world. They come before anyone to me.

 

Except yourself. You are putting yourself before their interests.

 

I may have cheated and screwed up royally - but I do take exceptionally good care of my 3 kids and love them everyday.

 

A good nanny could take exceptionally good care of children. As for love, undoubtedly many good nannies love the children in their care.

 

I take pride in that - I don't have much else to be proud of I'm afraid.

 

But, IMHO, you are failing at a rather large life test for a parent. You are dumping on one of the areas about which you are proud.

 

I will hate myself forever for what I have done and how my life has turned out

 

That serves no useful purpose for anyone involved. Why don't you simply recognize your mistake and then work on fixing it?

 

- but I will always love my kids and do anything to make them happy and feel loved.

 

You won't do "anything to make them happy and feel loved". You are splitting up their family for "feelings".

 

BTW: You can't make anyone "happy". This is perhaps the greatest flaw in what you are doing. We are responsible for how we feel!

[2sunny]

since you have been honest and are still trying to figure out what is missing and working with a perplexed counselor - see if a journal of your daily (hourly) thoughts and/or feelings might give you some clarity.

 

be sure to include what is happening, how you perceive it and how you react to it all. make sure you aren't inadvertently misinterpreting your own feelings and/or reaction to feelings you have.

 

you may be misunderstanding yourself by the sheer fact that you have played this "pretend" game so long that you may be overlooking your own "true" feelings or the perception within a situation.

 

this journal may give you an idea what operating method hasn't been working for you... some clarity about what different approach may or may not make you acknowledge what you haven't been able to yet see or process.

 

something in your subconscious isn't allowing you to address the reality of an event or feeling - let's see if this exercise may reveal something you have been avoiding or unable to acknowledge.

[FreeNow]

2sunny has given a superb suggestion ann09. Please print that post out and consider it.

[ann09]

then what is stopping you from filing....???

 

and forget about hope he finds someone better.....whoever he can find is definitely going to be better than you....cause nobody can use, abuse a person for 15 years...like you did...

 

 

and that just made me lose it.

 

i haven't been that bad of a wife. you don't know me and your words really hurt. i didn't use him. i married him and had the highest hopes. i didn't know the marriage was going to be as bad as it has been. i spent well over a decade trying to be the perfect wife.

 

there is 15 yrs to this story but i can't type about it all here. you don't know HALF of what i have been through. not justifying what i have done. but don't judge someone when you don't know them.

[ann09]

since you have been honest and are still trying to figure out what is missing and working with a perplexed counselor - see if a journal of your daily (hourly) thoughts and/or feelings might give you some clarity.

 

be sure to include what is happening, how you perceive it and how you react to it all. make sure you aren't inadvertently misinterpreting your own feelings and/or reaction to feelings you have.

 

you may be misunderstanding yourself by the sheer fact that you have played this "pretend" game so long that you may be overlooking your own "true" feelings or the perception within a situation.

 

this journal may give you an idea what operating method hasn't been working for you... some clarity about what different approach may or may not make you acknowledge what you haven't been able to yet see or process.

 

something in your subconscious isn't allowing you to address the reality of an event or feeling - let's see if this exercise may reveal something you have been avoiding or unable to acknowledge.

 

thank you for this suggestion. i do need clarity.

[hopesndreams]

Ok....first off - not that it makes an iota of a difference, but I wasn't out "banging" other dudes. I fell in love with someone - and yes, that was my decision. Your bluntness is probably justified - but there is a wee little bit in me that needs to jump to my own defense. I don't give myself out very easily - never have. In fact I have been with very few men in my lifetime. Again, not trying to make myself out to be angelic - it IS what it is. But I digress...

 

 

Lots of soul searching lately - discovering I am a very weak individual and I don't want to continue to be this way in my life. With my husband, without him, with another man, or alone.....I am trying FOR ONCE to see who I truly am without someone guiding me and telling me exactly how to be.

 

Where exactly is the OM these days?

 

If you don't want to continue being weak, why haven't you moved out and given H chance to come to terms with you leaving? You kissed him not long ago to see if there were still feelings there. You are still giving him hope. He is still hopeful now. Which brings me back to the first question. Where is OM, the one you fell "in love" with?

[michelleco]

WTF, how is her spouse controlling? He didnt want ann out banging other dudes??? that's controlling really?

 

From what ann piosted he didnt fight her on the OM, that was her choce. She had the affair unabated! She made the choice to tell her husband about it. She ended it reluctantly wiith the OM, it was all on her to where she had the affair. No one can make you sleep with anyone. it's your choice to do so...

 

Chrome, I don't know you, but you don't strike me as being particularly educated or bright, so I'll just spell it out for you.

Her spouse controlled her by deciding FOR her that they didn't need counseling. By having sex with her when she wasn't exactly a willing participant. By holding the credit cards so she couldn't make a purchase on her own as a capable adult. By deciding she wasn't smart enough to bother sharing stories about his workday with her. By calling her "kiddo" - classic 'controlling' mechanism designed to make a person feel "less than" or to enforce respect.

 

Ann, don't let this person bring you down.