confession. scared.

A prominent women's magazine used to tell women that if they were unhappy to get out of a marriage, to save themselves and focus on their own lives. Years later, they polled many women and asked if they had a chance to do it over again would they get divorced. A vast majority said they wouldn't, and they really weren't any happier. Another study was shown that when people who were faced with divorce, those who turned their energy inwards into reinventing their marriage and improving themselves, instead of getting away had experienced more joy and had a happier marriage 5 years down the road. I'm not telling to you stay or go. I have learned the more you try to control someone, they do the exact opposite. Obviously your husband still loves you. Look inside to see what it would look like if YOU were happy and what that would take. What are some small things he could start doing to show you more love, for you to feel loved, appreciated, and attractive. For women it is rarely a "lack on interest", that is an effect of something else in the form of stress that curbs desire. What are your major forms of stress in your relationship? What was it that most attracted you to your husband in the first place? Those are the questions you might need to start to answer to figure out how to save your marriage.

This is a huge cop out. Do your feelings about 'modern' morality extend to issues regarding abuse, hostility, aggression, theft or any number of wrongful acts that are still regarded as 'untouchable'? My guess is no...especially if you were directly involved. The truth is, right and wrong are principles not bordered by time and circumstance. To think otherwise is foolish, but fitting in this age of subjectivity. Still, I'm not without understanding of current views, nor do I think posting a few words on a internet discussion board is going to change much. That however, does not keep reality from existing, for we are all subject to the same universal laws and conditions. Tell me, before becoming 'educated' do infants or small children act any differently than they did 50-100-200 or even 1000 years ago? Why is that? Grow up sir, and save your modernistic garbage for someone who doesn't know any better.

you are - as usually people do when they don't have any specific argument - widening the scope of the debate. You are very unflexible and rigid in your positions... you live in a different world from mine and I'm quite happy I don't have to live in yours... I'm sure this is reciprocal and our views are so diametrically opposite that there is no point in having a discussion about it...variety is the spice of life...

A prominent women's magazine used to tell women that if they were unhappy to get out of a marriage, to save themselves and focus on their own lives. Years later, they polled many women and asked if they had a chance to do it over again would they get divorced. A vast majority said they wouldn't, and they really weren't any happier. Another study was shown that when people who were faced with divorce, those who turned their energy inwards into reinventing their marriage and improving themselves, instead of getting away had experienced more joy and had a happier marriage 5 years down the road. I'm not telling to you stay or go. I have learned the more you try to control someone, they do the exact opposite. Obviously your husband still loves you. Look inside to see what it would look like if YOU were happy and what that would take. What are some small things he could start doing to show you more love, for you to feel loved, appreciated, and attractive. For women it is rarely a "lack on interest", that is an effect of something else in the form of stress that curbs desire. What are your major forms of stress in your relationship? What was it that most attracted you to your husband in the first place? Those are the questions you might need to start to answer to figure out how to save your marriage.

now, I don't know Ann and we are not mates and I'm not a woman... but which part of the sentence "I am repulsed by him" you don't understand? Let's not have one unhappy person... let's have two...

 

you are - as usually people do when they don't have any specific argument - widening the scope of the debate. You are very unflexible and rigid in your positions...

 

And you're not keeping up with current events. It isn't necessary for you to read my past posts, but if you had you'd see my position is very specific indeed. You haven't done your research and it shows in your comments.

Like others who refute reality, you somehow assume I created it. We all exist under the same sky. Some of us accept it, others, like you, pretend it isn't there. That is your prerogative, but your assumptions are misleading.

Did you read anywhere, in statements by me or anyone else who posted on this thread that a man should stay with a woman who does not want to be with him? By the time that is made known, it is far, far too late to save anything in my opinion. I am a divorced man, I faced this. I filed for divorce and got on with my life. What's your point, besides women not being slaves and -because it's 2010- a person's 'changed feelings' justifies their decision to cheat, lie, devastate and present a horrible example to their children? Your position sir, is full of holes and does no one any good.

In my opinion, Ann's marriage is over. If I were her husband it would be.

Yes, I can read, and yes I can understand. But words of that extreme usually have something going on behind them. There is usually an initial (or for many who leave a series of) internal feeling followed by an outwardly manifested one, such as someone being afraid of being left, so they become controlling, or someone being afraid and guilty to leave a relationship, so they withdraw and rewrite the relationship to villify the other person to make them feel less guilty. That's why I asked...to find if there was anything deeper that no one had suggested or touched on.

I'm going to catch a lot of flak for this,...................but?

I don't see the relevance of living my life based upon the beliefs of a uneducated, illiterate bunch of sheep and goat herders of 2,000 + ago?

I'm not the same person I was thirty years ago. I am the sum total of my life experiences thorughout the course of the last thrity years. I am the sum total of all that I've been through and have experienced.

That is to say that I am who I am today because of all that I've been through, the people I've meet along the way.

I mentioned to my Great Great Grandmother who died hoeing her vegetable garden at the age of 96.

"Granny 'G' I bet you learned and know alot about living and people havig lived as long as you have?"

"Gunny! I've learned more about living and people the last six years than I've learned the other ninety years put together!"

Per my last post Ann,

Life is short!

You and you alone are responsible for your own personal happiness. That's not my job, nor the DH's.

Nor anyone else's!

Its all on you! Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.

People come and go ~ there's no one monkey that makes a show.

Over the course of single lifetime? People change, feelings change!

When we get married?

We're actually marrying three different people.

The one that we think we're marrying?

The one we're actually marrying?

And the one that is going to come 'about' as a result of having being married to you!

That is to say ~ That who he is and who you are in the here and now would never have evolved ~ had you he and you never married.

Gunny, this is the divorced forum, so as you mentioned in my thread, the 4th person that you marry....

The one they become in divorce proceedings!

Gunny, this is the divorced forum, so as you mentioned in my thread, the 4th person that you marry....

The one they become in divorce proceedings!

For the un-elightened?

The "forth' person you marry? Is the one you meet in divorce court ~ aka ~ "I can't believe that's the same person I've been married to all these years!"

Like others who refute reality, you somehow assume I created it.

Sorry, I refute your version of reality...

In my opinion, Ann's marriage is over. If I were her husband it would be.

We do agree... so, why are we arguing? I'm not going to get into a long debate about morals, principles and holes... I can see we have such diverging opinions that it's pointless...

We do agree... so, why are we arguing? I'm not going to get into a long debate about morals, principles and holes... I can see we have such diverging opinions that it's pointless...

Something I have learned; sometimes you just agree to disagree....

Ann, I have followed most of your story & I am sad that things don't look like they are going to work out for your marriage.....

I guess I'm still old fashioned & unless there is physical or mental abuse, I would like to see people work harder on there marriage, but that's just me.

It's been over a year since my former W left & the more I learn about myself the more I see our marriage could have been saved & at times I do struggle with that, but we need to move forward or your life will just become a smelly pond....

What happened to the Anne that was going to get three jobs in order to support herself in her new place and her kids?

You are still not working on you. It sounds as if you have worked it so your H is going to move out and support you. How long are you going to wait until you move the OM in?

You have already acknowledged that you children are hurting. Look at what you are teaching them. It is alright to quit on a marriage. It is alright to cheat on a marriage. You are the one breaking up the family

Again I suggest that you are in danger of losing the love and respect of you children forever.

I have already gave you some real life experiences from those who have been in your shoes and lost. I also suggest that you read some of the storys on the MB site and how the children react to the parent that cheats.

Wow lots of responses, I am not sure where to start.

So, some of you believe because my husband doesn't abuse me, I should stay with him - - - because it would teach my kids that vows and promises mean something? (At times I am sad because they are being taught that married people don't kiss, hold hands etc).

Hell I could stay - it would make my life easier - less messier - but I wonder what it will do to my soul over time. I will be that old lady with big regrets in her eyes - realizing that life was indeed very short and yet I stayed with someone I didn't love in the married way.

I am not "working this" so he will make my life easier and support me. I don't care about any of that. Again, if I have to work 3 jobs but come home and feel at peace in my life, I will do just that. This isn't about me trying to be selfish - although I do feel very selfish in my decision.

Ugh I keep rereading my posts and I can already envision the responses. My words aren't coming out right. Honestly, I am not sure how to describe my situation. Even my therapist has been perplexed. My H and I get along great - do things as a family with the kids - care about eachother immensely. Yet I am not in love with him or able to be physically intimate with him. I just can't. I don't look at him like that at all. He is like a dear friend - a brother if you will. I care about him very much but don't have any (any) feelings of attraction for him. Doesn't anyone understand this? Why do I feel like I am the only one in this world that has ever had this problem?

One more thing - I apologize if I am coming off defensive. I do appreciate all the advice everyone here has given me. Please don't think I read it and ignore it. I read every single word - trust me - I need all the help and advice I can get these days.

One more thing - I apologize if I am coming off defensive. I do appreciate all the advice everyone here has given me. Please don't think I read it and ignore it. I read every single word - trust me - I need all the help and advice I can get these days.

Wow, you're good. The H doesn't stand a chance. Why are you dragging things out? It's been months now. Money? Most likely. If he has every intention of giving you the marital home and moving just a few short blocks away, then he has no clue what you've done in your past.

Lying not just to the H, hell all cheaters do it, it's expected, but on an anonymous forum as well, what a waste of my time reading it.

What happened to the Anne that was going to get three jobs in order to support herself in her new place and her kids?

 

You are still not working on you. It sounds as if you have worked it so your H is going to move out and support you. How long are you going to wait until you move the OM in?

 

You have already acknowledged that you children are hurting. Look at what you are teaching them. It is alright to quit on a marriage. It is alright to cheat on a marriage. You are the one breaking up the family

 

Again I suggest that you are in danger of losing the love and respect of you children forever.

 

I have already gave you some real life experiences from those who have been in your shoes and lost. I also suggest that you read some of the storys on the MB site and how the children react to the parent that cheats.

wow - very eye-opening mbm.

Ann - Why are you waiting? You made up your mind to quit on the M months ago. This is so unfair to your STBXH. And the kids. You need to either commit to the M and your children NOW or leave and make a new life on your own (with your kids part-time of course) and do that NOW.

Whay are you waiting? You can not hurt your H any more.

Wow, you're good. The H doesn't stand a chance. Why are you dragging things out? It's been months now. Money? Most likely. If he has every intention of giving you the marital home and moving just a few short blocks away, then he has no clue what you've done in your past.

 

Lying not just to the H, hell all cheaters do it, it's expected, but on an anonymous forum as well, what a waste of my time reading it.

He knows everything. Yes I lied a lot in the past but have come clean on everything. We've gone through months and months of therapy and I haven't minced any words with him. This isn't about money. He wants me to stay in this house with the kids because he knows that's where the kids belong. Honestly, I don't feel I deserve any of his understanding and compassion and feel tremendous guilt over it.

wow - very eye-opening mbm.

 

Ann - Why are you waiting? You made up your mind to quit on the M months ago. This is so unfair to your STBXH. And the kids. You need to either commit to the M and your children NOW or leave and make a new life on your own (with your kids part-time of course) and do that NOW.

 

Whay are you waiting? You can not hurt your H any more.

My kids do not know about my cheating and they never will. My H and I both know it wouldn't be in their best interest to know any of that. And - while I know no one here believes this - my wanting to end my marriage has nothing to do with the OM. I have stepped away from that and still tried to work on my marriage -

Why am I waiting?

I am scared. Terrified. For my kids. I come from a long line of strong marriages - a wonderful home that I grew up in. This kind of thing just doesn't happen in my family. I have never been on my own. I have always done the right thing and tried to please everyone else in my life. I am not trying to make myself out to be a good person here at all - this just isn't very typical of me. I went from living with my parents to being married pretty fast. I have grown up a lot in the past 15 yrs. For the first time in my life I have looked at my life and wondered why I have been so miserable when I have everything i have always wanted. Sadly, I married someone I thought was the perfect guy to marry - I made a safe choice. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do. I was in love with the idea of being married and being a mother. I look back to those early years of marriage and remember hiding in my room, crying. I remember him asking me what was wrong and me saying "I don't know". And I didn't. But I do now - and it tortures me everyday.

I don't want sympathy - my own sister in law asked me the other night why the hell I "knew" this so long ago and then proceeded to have 3 kids with him. I can't answer that except to say that I really thought that having a family would make us closer and make me love him more.

 

My kids do not know about my cheating and they never will.

 

Yes they will. In fact, they probably suspect something already, even if they're too young to completely understand it. That is a fallacy Ann.

I swear...you and my ex-wife are one in the same. She too told me about the crying, the fear. While she was crying and coping and wondering what she'd do the next time I tried to touch her, I was busting my arse trying to keep a roof over everyone's head and food on the table. I was too busy to cry. But, like your husband, I loved my wife and family. I was showing my love with my actions, with my life. In the end, after lying repeatedly about not 'loving' the other man and how he wasn't a 'replacement' for me, I came to realize that she was right; he only replaced me in her bed...and in her heart. I was still needed. Needed to care, to repair, to earn, pay and to maintain. That's what the selfish do. Like you, her motives all along were about what she wanted, what she needed, or thought she needed.

It's dreadful (but all too typical) that you reject this man on the basis of attraction -despite his clear hopes and desire you would...or could- but yet you 'somehow' find it in your heart to take his kids, his support and his house, then put him out of it. Just admit you got what you wanted! Again! But, this is where you and my ex differ; she had the strength/courage/guts to leave the home she rejected and allow me to raise the kids the way we agreed. For that, and in spite of all her faults, I love and respect her. Forever.

Oh, in case you're wondering, I'm sure his pain is stronger than your guilt.

Finally, to all concerned or interested, please accept my apology to any offense regarding morality issues. I know that this is not a religious forum. I simply call God my Father and accept his position. That is my basis.

 

Finally, to all concerned or interested, please accept my apology to any offense regarding morality issues. I know that this is not a religious forum. I simply call God my Father and accept his position. That is my basis.

no offense taken, at least by me. I do have to apologise to you for being a bit aggressive... I suppose these are frustrating times for me, being in the same position as Ann's husband. My wife won't leave. She just wants me there, with no sex, please...

Anne,

Do you not think your children are in limbo as well? You know what limbo is like!

As far as your husband goes. I read somewhere that the "I love you but not in love with you " speach is a vague general statement one says when they are confused. She clarified that yes typically the WAW truly does deeply love the H but simply has no desire to have sex with them. Thats the difference. Not a small one but also not one that can't be overcome. NOTHING is more sexy than being with someone who you care about deeply and who cares about you in the same way. "Romantic" love can be established but it is very difficult if the ideas and images of being "in love" are those that girls (and guys) get in the first couple of years.

You are 40 plus. I am now in the dating scene and I can tell you that there are SO many women that are looking to have that "in love" feeling. Many of the women I have dated have typically had a couple of 2-4 year relationships with someone they have been "in love" with. Can't seem to get past the fact that those feelings fade and the real relationship kicks in.

I say go Ann. Get out into the world and find some one you can be "in love" with. You don't want to have any regrets right?

you already used him for 15 years(of course still using him)....you are miserable in M and badly want your independence...so you wanted to end it...perfectly fine....

 

so why are you staying in the house still(probably out of obligation he might have offered to stay)....you accepted it because it's convenient

 

do not say words i wanted to do 5 jobs(i don't think you have applied for one ) and i dying inside and bla bla....when you are not meant them

 

actually what is stopping you from filing ...????

He has no desire to stay and raise the kids. He tells me repeatedly he wouldn't want my "job". The few hours a week he spends with them he is dying to get back to work or to the gym or out for drinks with his friends.

Yes they will. In fact, they probably suspect something already, even if they're too young to completely understand it. That is a fallacy Ann.

 

I swear...you and my ex-wife are one in the same. She too told me about the crying, the fear. While she was crying and coping and wondering what she'd do the next time I tried to touch her, I was busting my arse trying to keep a roof over everyone's head and food on the table. I was too busy to cry. But, like your husband, I loved my wife and family. I was showing my love with my actions, with my life. In the end, after lying repeatedly about not 'loving' the other man and how he wasn't a 'replacement' for me, I came to realize that she was right; he only replaced me in her bed...and in her heart. I was still needed. Needed to care, to repair, to earn, pay and to maintain. That's what the selfish do. Like you, her motives all along were about what she wanted, what she needed, or thought she needed.

 

It's dreadful (but all too typical) that you reject this man on the basis of attraction -despite his clear hopes and desire you would...or could- but yet you 'somehow' find it in your heart to take his kids, his support and his house, then put him out of it. Just admit you got what you wanted! Again! But, this is where you and my ex differ; she had the strength/courage/guts to leave the home she rejected and allow me to raise the kids the way we agreed. For that, and in spite of all her faults, I love and respect her. Forever.

 

Oh, in case you're wondering, I'm sure his pain is stronger than your guilt.

 

Finally, to all concerned or interested, please accept my apology to any offense regarding morality issues. I know that this is not a religious forum. I simply call God my Father and accept his position. That is my basis.

I am not trying to take his kids, house, support. It's not my desire to be the winner here. I just want the fascade that's become my life to stop.

Anne,

 

Do you not think your children are in limbo as well? You know what limbo is like!

 

As far as your husband goes. I read somewhere that the "I love you but not in love with you " speach is a vague general statement one says when they are confused. She clarified that yes typically the WAW truly does deeply love the H but simply has no desire to have sex with them. Thats the difference. Not a small one but also not one that can't be overcome. NOTHING is more sexy than being with someone who you care about deeply and who cares about you in the same way. "Romantic" love can be established but it is very difficult if the ideas and images of being "in love" are those that girls (and guys) get in the first couple of years.

 

You are 40 plus. I am now in the dating scene and I can tell you that there are SO many women that are looking to have that "in love" feeling. Many of the women I have dated have typically had a couple of 2-4 year relationships with someone they have been "in love" with. Can't seem to get past the fact that those feelings fade and the real relationship kicks in.

 

I say go Ann. Get out into the world and find some one you can be "in love" with. You don't want to have any regrets right?

Yes, I know my kids sense a lot - although we really do keep the household as healthy and happy for them as we can.

I am not doing this to go out and find romance or anything for that matter. I simply want to feel at peace in my life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ann09

My kids do not know about my cheating and they never will.

Yes they will. In fact, they probably suspect something already, even if they're too young to completely understand it. That is a fallacy Ann. .

They absolutely will Ann. There is no way to hide them from it. It will come out. I am sorry but do not use that as an excuse. Even if they do not hear it directly they will suspect something. Maybe even suspect your H was unfaithful and a WAH!!! What would you think if you ended the M and your kids blad their Dad?

Do you have an answer for scorpmale's question re: filing?