My Love Pyramid?

[summerautumn]

Dear Lovebeatlegirl,

 

I am sorry you are going through this very confusing experience.

 

I post here rarely, but really felt that I needed to write you as I may be able to provide you with a different perspective. Your description of your relationship reminds me somehow of an old relationship that is in details very different, but the general feeling is similar.

 

You are into dreams which is awesome. I suggest that you look at your relationship as a symbol. Try to step back as much as you can, with help of friends or IC maybe, and see what is the message of this relationship for you.

 

It is easy to point the finger to your bf, who IMO is a confused individual that is so unclear as to his own inner reality and afraid of breaking up with you that he is creating this triangle and trying to frame it as some progressive thing when it is just his cop out of the situation. But you can't make him take responsibility for his thoughts/actions, yet you have all the power to responsibility of your thoughts/actions and I would argue emotions too.

 

The last part is something it took me a long time to achieve within the relationship I mentioned. For a long time I was convinced that I had strong emotions for a man. I recently reread some letters to him, and was pretty blown away about how I thought I felt about him. There was a time in the relationship when he was so ambivalent and I tried to break up with him, but it was the hardest thing for me to do. I finally did it after realizing that every time I talked to him on the phone I burst into tears afterward. The emotional pressure was way too much. I felt relieved after that, yet it took many months even after the breakup to really see the whole picture. I still felt strongly subconsciously drawn to him.

 

It wasn't until very recently that I understood how some people come into our lives with specific messages for our own greater benefit that I understood this enigmatic relationship. I needed to overhaul my own life, and find self love. That's what this so called "stressful" relationship was trying to teach me, but I was too subjective and overly emotional at the time to see it.

 

You say that you feel your bf is "the one" for you. That's your strong signal to investigate why that is your belief. There is something about him that is subconsciously making you feel that way. I can say that from what you wrote on here, you may be surprised down the road as to what this thing about him is. Dig into your dreams, record them every time, get a dream interpretation book that has both psychological and spiritual explanation. I feel you will uncover something really intriguing sooner or later.

 

And as far as the age argument he is presenting - that is the one to the most unfounded rationalizations out there. I have people who are twice my age ask for and appreciate my advice. You sound like a mature and open minded person, albeit a bit confused at this time. Be strong and get to the bottom of this emotional puzzle. The rewards will be great for you!

[jennie-jennie]

What upset me today - kinda - is that he says he doesn't care if he and I do it -- because he gets to do it with her anyways and they are BOTH content with that!

 

I can't help but feeling like your boyfriend has moved on. He and this new girl are the ones having a relationship, and if you want to you may jump in and have sex with them. If not, who cares? They don't.

 

In my opinion,

option A is not going to happen, you are not going to live happily ever after with this,

option B sounds good,

option C is not going to happen,

option D is not going to happen,

option E is unlikely to happen.

[summerautumn]

Lovebeatlegirl,

 

After reading your post with the options, I remembered one thing I wanted to also add to my response. You are focusing on her and her role in this situation which is completely natural. Most human beings will have a reaction to a lesser or a greater degree when presented with this situation. Of course he wants you both, I've heard men express these fantasies as something they would want and would ask for (polygamy) if they didn't feel constrained by society. Your bf is expressing that. Doesn't make the request valid.

 

Focus on your relationship with him and figuring out why this is even happening. Thinking of her, you may find things in yourself that you may like to shift, but to shift them within the current circumstance, because of his requests, is just unreasonable. But you may find them valid for yourself. What he is doing is cheating masked as a request to have an open relationship. I am sorry if that sounds too forward. Hug~

[fooled once]

He is NOT into you.

 

He has shown you that -- he is more than willing to move on.

 

NO TRUE love would ever, ever want to share themselves with someone else unless it is a cult or whatever.

 

My husband would never share me and I never share him.

 

Your boy friend isn't a boyfriend. He is a guy who likes to have sex with you BUT will also have sex with anyone else.

 

He doesn't love you. I promise you that - he does not love you.

 

You are wasting yourself on this piece of crap.

 

I wonder if he has given you any STD's. I wonder how long are you going to play this game of "if I stay, he will like me better". He has already shown you that he doesn't care if you stay or go. He will find others.

 

And this girl doesn't care if you love him to the point of obsession. She knows she can have him whenever and wherever she wants.

 

The fact that you are okay or seemingly willing to accept that they have sex where you and he have sex is disgusting. You are degrading yourself over someone who isn't worth it.

 

How old are you?

[torranceshipman]

You're kidding, right? He made you listen to him f*ck another girl on the phone, and basically said accept it or you're dumped, and then said he couldn't care less if you f*ck another guy. There is no R here, aside from some major style disrespect that he is laying on you, presumably for his own sick little entertainment. He is a toxic, nasty guy. Why would you let some idiot like this mess you about and treat you like such a doormat? He is about as much an azzhole as I have EVER read about on LS.

[White Flower]

Thanks, Frozen.

 

I know this isn't how it should be. Love should be free. With respect for both ways.

 

That depends on whose definition of love is.

I'm the one who's being accepting and trying to be understanding of it all.

 

My guy is really immature, like a kid, but I accept him....

 

Lately, I've been researching this term called "polyamory" - I guess it could be like that except, right now, he's being one-sided. He jokingly calls us his "property" and that we aren't allowed to go out with anyone, and why should we?

 

Anyway, this other girl is very accepting of him, too, that she accepts US being together. He now considers us both his girlfriends and he's really been speaking fondly of this other girl of his....

 

I have been feeling more numb to this lately.

That is because you are jealous by nature. The OW is not and your b/f is not. You are the only one with a problem here.

 

The intimacy that I thought he and I only had in the world for me and him has now cheapened by the fact that he is also doing that with someone who doesn't even love him at all.

 

I heard in a video that men would most likely lean towards a friends with benefits gal who has no intentions of marrying.

Only if he is the non-marrying type.

She does not think she will marry him or have any kids with him. I have. I had these thoughts with him from the very start, but, that's also not necessary. Having him is enough.

 

Sharing him? I guess it really did hurt knowing I will have to, but now, I'm just feeling nothing at all. I guess I am getting used to it. I'm all numb now and saying "okay" to everything he says....

 

He told me again and over and over again, I should NOT be jealous OR hurt. I have been trying to diminish those feelings for the sake of mine and his.

 

Even though they are dormant now and sometimes, I feel they surface here and there which is only giving me practice to drown them again.

 

I really love my bf... I know I should love myself more, too, for myself not to get hurt like this. But, I will go with the saying, "Set him free, and if he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, it wasn't meant to be".

 

I am not sure yet if I really do accept this type of relationship fully. I think it is called an "alternative lifestyle"... I am afraid of STDs and not getting enough attention and my needs not being met and being jealous....

You are definitely trying for this man because you love him, but you just are not there yet and may never be.

 

I don't know the intention of this other girl if she really does want him and is just waiting for me to leave, as I am hoping SHE WOULD, though it would make my bf sad thinking he'd lose someone as valuable as the friendship he found in her, and it would be the same with me for him.

 

He is REALLY selfish for doing this but he says he is willing to make it work out.

 

I guess I will have to experiment. In 10 days, I will know what will happen.

 

What upset me today - kinda - is that he says he doesn't care if he and I do it -- because he gets to do it with her anyways and they are BOTH content with that! Me being away for like a year now may be at fault for his messing around. Plus I really hate how this other girl is so okay with this! She speaks to me like nothing is going on and everything is normal!

 

What am *I* supposed to do when they decide to do it in our bedroom ??? He told me I can watch and she's okay with that! He told me he can both do us at the same time! I am SO grossed by that!!! Or am I just supposed to ignore it all? Block out the noises and not come into the bedroom for a full hour until they both stop? Am I supposed to just sleep on the sheets they had both just done it on? Arghh! She's okay watching us, too! Gosh, it's driving me mad!

 

I am thinking that there may be possibilities of the outcome of this:

 

A- I go there, live with it, I get used to it and happily ever after.

B- I go there, it's unacceptable for me, and I leave, HAPPILY!

C- I go there, my bf focuses more on me, and she leaves!

D- I go there, the other girl really gets tired of him, she gives up.

E- I go there, my bf decides he likes her more, and we stay friends, and I get set free and look for my next future bf in life. The end.....

A-this could work, if you decide you are not the jealous type.

B- this might be the case.

C-you are very hopeful for something that might not happen.

D-you are very hopeful for something that might not happen.

E-this might be the case.

 

Right now, the main thing that is atop of my insecurities is the sex part. I just wish she really is clean and they won't mess up the sheets and hopefully she doesn't scream too loud! It will drive me mad, I know it!

Sweetie, they have already messed up the sheets.

 

I'm having really bad anxiety attacks and my mind can't focus on anything else other than this topic. It's really unhealthy, but I'm counting on finding out the truth when I meet with my bf again. Maybe I might not even feel the same love I've had for him these years once I've touched the truth. Either way, I will always be friends with him.... But evilly, I really do wish she is just temporary as he once or a few times had said to me.

 

I think he knows no one else would stay with his crap as much I have. !

You may have stayed longer, but there is someone new now. She might stay and your length of staying might mean nothing to him. This is a very selfish man regardless of how much you love him.

 

I will be so happy when she starts unaccepting him. O' happy days!

 

-gone crazy-

 

 

 

Thank you for all the replies. I think this needs sometime for me work out and see through. If only there was magic for this to stop. My emotions just keep flooding in. Thank you again for letting me see the other light of the tunnel.

This is just so tough when I really don't want to let go of my bestfriend/boyfriend and leave him to someone else who does not care for him as I do. My bf knows how I feel about him. I think he may be confused himself. I don't know. I will see. Something needs to settle down. It ain't me until I've found the truth and accept it as it is. I will see. :/ *sigh*

 

 

Best of luck. It sounds to me as though you love this man dearly and would do anything to please him. What a lucky guy! Yet, he is very selfish in saying that you'll put up with it or you're out. How does that make you feel?

 

OTOH, you may decide you actually like this kind of 'pyramid' and you may be the one calling the shots within it real soon. I would tell him, 'be careful what you wish for' because soon you may be taking the reigns on this R and introducing new men and ideas. I think when you brought up bringing in another man and he sounded ok with it he was just calling your bluff. Your guy sounds like he knows how to control a woman so be very careful because you just may be loving the wrong man.

 

I know someone who got involved with a M couple in this way. It was always understood that the OW (who had sex with both partners) would leave if there was a threat of a love-connection between her and the H. Eventually, a love connection was made, and my friend the OW had to walk away. It took her a very long time to get over him as it did for the H. The whole thing started as a FWB thing so be aware of this.

Edited December 5, 2009 by White Flower

[2sunny]

what's wrong with saying no? this is obviously (from what you've typed) not what you have as an ideal relationship... so just tell him no.

[White Flower]

what's wrong with saying no? this is obviously (from what you've typed) not what you have as an ideal relationship... so just tell him no.

I get the same feeling 2sunny. I get that she loves this man more than herself and that she wants to explore this for him, and again, not for herself. You just took one sentence to say it:p

[lovebeatlegirl]

Well,

 

I've had another dream again.

 

I think it was a hopeful one - "wishful thinking" at the most.

 

 

It proceeds with me having to feel all these bad feelings, to all of a sudden, my bf tells me "You're right" "...She's a 'heffer'..." which I interpret as someone you can't trust. So, now, he can't trust her, and he dumps her.

 

Now the scene changes into me crawling on the floorboards of his house patio (he really has an apartment), and everything I see is boarded up. There are locks and chains of wood all over his windows and door. It takes him awhile to open all this so I could get in, finally. Scene out.

 

I wake up, I feel like I need to talk to him. He didn't answer. I suspect he is in bed with his *sigh* other girlfriend or just didn't want to talk to me at the moment.

 

His home being boarded up like that must be a symbolism I once described to him about his own feelings. I told him that I do know him - he is like a steel cage, all locked up, and that nobody can get to him. Maybe that is how his heart is. If he even has any. I think it's darkened and black.

 

I blame this girl for knowing how I feel about this and how she just tells me she won't go away and has no say about it. She took my boyfriend/bestfriend away from me and my boyfriend allows it.

 

She is selfish herself and doesn't care except that she gets to have him whenever she or he wants. My boyfriend said she is really a nice person and that I should just accept her because she will be nice to me. I tried proving my point to prove that just because he thinks that way, that doesn't mean it will be so to me. He doesn't listen because he thinks he knows best.

 

 

I'm feeling more lonely, confused, and insecure more than ever.

 

I'm in my 20s and I had depended on my boyfriend to be always there "for me" and at this time, I need a bestfriend - which is also what I think of him as.

 

For him to hurt me like this, I don't know why. He is selfish and only thinking about himself.

 

He told me he cannot love and I asked why. He said he is afraid of hurting his feelings, so he shuts them off. He told me to do the same. And be happy.

 

I want to change - I want my feelings to shift - I want to ... leave or settle somewhere! But I'm afraid I would be defeated to this other girl if I did leave because I was unhappy with the situation and they'll be happy, and I'll be left out. I wish I could think the opposite. But I don't really know anybody else I could feel comfort with. My boyfriend was that. Or so I think. Whenever I had problems, I'd confide in him and he'd either give me a whole new perspective on it or make a joke about it, that I didn't really care anymore, so I loved him for that.

 

No one else has treated me the way he does.

 

I want to have that feeling that it is only him and I in this world, just like before. It was like that all the time. But now he has found this other woman to play with and confide with. And be in bed with. It is not I. If I leave, she gets to have him. He was mine to be with first. Now, I have nobody.

 

I feel so alone in this world! I cannot believe why this would happen to me.

 

If you say I have the time, and I'm still yet so young, - I do not have the energy for it. I just want(ed) to settle down with this guy and wish he'd do the same with me. I gave him 100% of me whenever I was wanted.

 

For him, I think having 2 girls he really likes satisfies him a whole lot seeing each one of has have different things to offer and who wouldn't like that?

 

He said he deserves this. He said it wasn't him being selfish or greedy.

 

They are getting to know each other better. I am being pushed aside only to try and "accept it" which I really don't want to or feel good about.

 

I don't know why I would ever let myself be or be done to like this. I am kindhearted and I would never have let this happen to anybody, but why myself?

 

Why do I feel that this is such a great man that I feel like he could step on anybody and disrespect women however he pleases? Has he brainwashed me or something? To the point that I can't think for myself anymore?

 

Is this all just mentally confusing, but in reality, everything is freeform?

 

My love for him is real. I've cared for him, but I guess it goes nowhere since he does not accept love or love to accept him. Does it deserve to go elsewhere? To someone who will and needs and wants the love that I have to share?

 

Am I really okay to be the other side girlfriend that if he gets tired of the other, he can just come to me, and do the same with her while she is totally acceptable to all his ideas and comments?

 

Is she just a zombie that has no feelings, either, as well, and he hopes that I be the same?

 

Today, I was realizing what makes this girl so great - for him. I looked at her pictures over again. Total ugliness. Not to be conceited, but she does not fix herself at all. She seems like a total bore. Her life, her voice, her spirit is boring and lifeless. As he may now be with me. I am starting to be that way. I wish I could not. I am giving myself 2 months with him/them.

 

I will be spending more time with my boyfriend. By February 14th, if I do last that long there, I will have to decide if it's either for me or him that I'm doing this for. All this sacrificing of my time, feeling, emotions, thinking...

 

As I said before, he does not have romantic feelings "love" for each other. They enjoy each other's company and the sex involved in it, too.

 

If I come there, live with him, would that make her jealous, or what?

Will it come to realization to her if she has developed any feelings by then or maybe she really still stay "forever" with him, with a loser guy who has no love to offer and having no love to consume for herself, either?

 

Sigh. I wish I knew. I wish I will find out. I hope I'll know, by then.

 

If I really do have a guiding light, or if there really is a God, or a force of nature, please let it be there with me. I am tired of all this nonsense.

 

My days are filled with empty shells of questions and confusions with no exact answers and nowhere to go to. I feel like I have no home, no life, no anything. Nobody. Only bright lights and putting on my favorite music on loud helps me a bit, to lead my confusions to distractions. My other friends are now only there for me to say my problems to and their relationship with me has lowered. Everything now seems meaningless without thought.

 

I don't even talk to my mom anymore because she doesn't want to understand or know what I am going through. She thinks I'm okay.

 

His way of seeing this, my boyfriend, that is, (I will just address him as that even though our "relationship" is confused) is that he may want the best of 2 worlds for him. He considers me and this other girl now 2 of his very best friends. I don't see any friendship with her. This girl is okay with me. I'm betting and I'm sure he tried to make her like me or want to like me even though we haven't officially met yet - just on the phone and through messaging.

 

I am the one who is not okay with this. It is draining me. It kills me. It's not the way I want it. I have no control. I have no direction. I'm afraid to get out of it, thinking that I'd be totally more alone than I could ever think or feel.

 

The Holidays are coming soon, and I don't know how I'll spend it. My wishful thinking is that she'd spend it with her family, while my boyfriend and me spend them together alone for the most time, and at that, I'll be happy.

 

I'll take whatever I can get from him, however demeaning that may sound.

 

I wish to find friends to replace what he had to offer me. Maybe I have to be less greedy with my heart and share it with others. Maybe I have unlock my own locks of the steel cage that I tried to replicate with my boyfriend's.

 

This isn't right for me, and I wish if it really is true that if "one door closes, another one opens"... Or maybe they are all open, and it's just that I have to step inside it for myself to see that there's more to explore.

 

I wish to find mercy and have it upon me and be guided to the right direction.

 

 

 

---

 

To summerautumn - is that what I need? To find self-love? I know this is all pretty blown how I've described all these feelings about him... It's pretty crazy... Yes, I am subconsciously drawn to him, no matter how much I try to tell myself that it isn't right... that it isn't for me. He's not the right person.

 

I hope you read this again and I've stated my dream. I wonder what it is telling me. Something's going on, but maybe I just need the time to find out what it is.

 

Yes, my boyfriend is one confused individual himself that he doesn't know what he wants. I've taken to the point that he just living for today and thinks that he'll die any moment now, so he's trying to enjoy every moment of what he can get away with having 2 girls to worship him like this.

 

I wish to have the power and inner-confidence that I think everyone has been trying to tell me to let go of this situation. I don't want it to deepen.

 

The scars are already there. I don't want to get hurt anymore, but I will leave my mind and heart open for anybody who wants to share their feelings and thoughts, as well.

 

Similarly, summerautumn, I always cried when I talked to my boyfriend. Whether it was a happy moment, - or sad one. I'd burst into tears seeing how vulnerable I was to him. I gave him my all. All of me.

 

Thank you for your message and maybe this new perspective is what I really needed all along. I'm getting numb, but I don't know if it's because I am controlling them or am I shifting gears to point them to a different direction, or what. I just wish to lessen my confusion and actually find clear waters. I do not want to be stuck in a "steel cage" or a boarded house.

 

I want to be set free - with love's arms... surrounding me.

 

Hopefully, I get to normal and stop with these feelings bullsh!!t with my boyfriend. I am just tired of it all! His relationship with me is meaningless, and I'm starting to think there really isn't even one. It's all about him.

 

Anyway, thank you again for the messages! For anyone who cares or wants to know what's new, I'll update again to see if there's any progress with my inner feelings and what's going on... Wish me luck. I vanish this feeling away!

[doushenka]

Lately, I've been researching this term called "polyamory" - I guess it could be like that except, right now, he's being one-sided. He jokingly calls us his "property" and that we aren't allowed to go out with anyone, and why should we?

 

This is not polyamory. Polyamory is usually defined as "responsible non-monogamy" and these two pieces of work are about as far from responsible as it gets. Don't buy any lines about opening the relationship; he's not poly, he's just greedy.

[torranceshipman]

Lovebeatlegirl...this guy has something wrong with him. I think he is damaged in some way, or a narcissist or has symptoms similar to a sociopath (i.e. no empathy, feeling that he 'deserves' things, thinking you two are his property)....he is truly toxic. He is treating you like dirt and I have no idea why you would consider a future with this guy. Sadly, the more you disrespect and demean yourself to please him, the more he will probably despise you for doing it, and if you are hoping one day you'll get a ring on his finger out of all of this 'if you stay around long enough' and that he'll change then I can 100% guarantee that you will NOT get your wish.

 

He's a loser, the girl is a nasty piece of work, he's already said he and the new girl are boyfriend and girlfriend (so you're not even his girlfriend anymore!!), he treats you like a dog...you are the only person that can stop this horrible situation and you really should. Going to stay with him and engaging in this threesome crap is only going to make you feel 100% worse than you already do - you'll regret it HORRIBLY if you go. You should leave this guy. This is the unhealthiest situation I've literally EVER heard of.

[summerautumn]

Dear Lovebeatlegirl,

Thank you for your letter! I want to share so many thoughts with you. I almost don’t know where to start. Your stream of consciousness letter is so revealing, both your conscious and unconscious mind are working to give you a respite from your emotions. I know how you feel; I really do, because as I said I went through a similar relationship. It was heart rendering at the time, and there was another woman involved, sort of, he had this big crush on her, but they weren’t in contact at the time we were together. If they were, I don’t know how much deeper that would have affected me. At the time I thought I loved him, I said so to him a few times. There was a bond, which now I see as something really different. I loved him with fear, and what I have learned and fully accepted since then is that love cannot hold fear; these two emotions are mutually exclusive. But at the time I was fighting for the relationship, even though I had many qualms about it. He was so ambivalent. Readily admitted (like your bf) that he couldn’t quite love, that he was screwed up. I thought I could change that. Then right as he wanted to not have an exclusive relationship and I was about to end it, one of his family members had to go to the hospital. It was an excruciating time, for him because of the family member, for me because I felt so trapped and unloved. I do from the bottom of my heart feel that I was somehow meant to help him and his family through this time of his life. It was apparent to me. So even though I knew why this relationship was the way it was, after we broke up (I broke up with him after the pain was too much and the family member got well), it took me many months before I really let go fully, and healed whatever it was in me that attracting me to this difficult relationship. I mean, in hindsight it became apparent to me that I equated love with the loveless excruciating feelings I had in that relationship. But that’s not love. How could it be? I was afraid to really be me, and I thought that there are parts of me that were unlovable. This is where the whole self-love comes in. Like you said, you would not wish this situation you are in to any of your friends, but somehow it is ok for you. Love would say in such circumstance “yes, this is what you choose (to your bf) and that is not loving to me and I love myself so therefore I choose not to be in that relationship”. It does not make him the villain, yet it is clearly loving to you and takes you out of the emotional rollercoaster you are on. After saying all this, I would strongly recommend to you to consider why you are giving the relationship another two months of time. Just because you don’t want to be alone in the holidays? You mention that Valentine’s day is the last day. I can tell you are a romantic person, and as such it is definitely tempting to hope for Love to fix this situation.

 

This is where I would like to turn to the dream you described. Wow, what a powerful dream! It actually is very telling, your subconscious mind is rather screaming to you at this point. I went to a website called dreammoods that is pretty helpful (there are books on dream interpretation, but the site is pretty handy). And here what I gathered: The house is a representation of your self, your soul. The whole imagery is suggesting that you are really locked in. To see a lock in your dream, signifies your inability to get what you want or that you are being kept out of some activity or situation. To see shut windows in your dream, signifies desertion and abandonment.

To see chains in your dream, signifies your need to break free from a routine, old idea, or a relationship. And finally a man in your dream signifies the masculine aspect of you. The way I would interpret the last part of your dream is that the thing that will liberate you will be the masculine part of yourself that will assert itself and make the difficult decision. From your letter I feel this disempowerment that you are experiencing, and perceiving yourself at powerless at the face of this situation. One thing that I would say to you at this time, is that you are a lot more powerful than you think but if you don’t feel this way try to muster the courage to end the relationship, because it is at this point draining you way too much. That’s the first measure. That will not magically change the feelings you are experiencing right now, and I will not promise you that that decision by itself will make it all better, actually there may be a difficult period after that. But that period will about you healing yourself, healing yourself from things that have nothing to do with your bf.

It took me almost a year to really shift in a big meaningful way and find the joy and peace that I now experience on a daily basis. I don’t have the relationship that is deeply fulfilling yet, but I have experienced tremendous growth in all my other relationships. My family relationships have become wonderful (and they used to be really challenging), and I have awesome friends. And for this I am super grateful.

There is special healing available when you are ready for that that can be so incredibly powerful! I haven’t been a fan of therapy because I find it slow and expensive. It is almost like adding insult to injury to have to pay thousands of dollars to experience peace. But I can recommend two books, Love is Letting go of Fear by Jampolski, and A Return to Love but Marianne Williamson. The first is the one that cuts through the fog for me every time; it is so simple and so powerful. The other is a book that acted as a huge transformation for one of my best friends. I have recently read it, and found is great, but it was already from a different standpoint for me. I wish I had private message privileges on here so we could email, but that’s ok.

And as for what your bf asks, I had to look up polygamy on google because I was sure I was missing something in my view here. I personally would never be able to even consider it, and give you a lot of credit for your open mindedness to even entertain this option. It is however (and you say this) disregarding of him to insist on it even though you’ve told him how uncomfortable it makes you feel. But leave that point alone; ask yourself questions that you can answer for yourself. Change your point of view on this. There is really no answer to the question “why her and not me?” It is a futile question. The loving question is “What impedes me from loving myself? “

I have a feeling you are a Beatles fan. A song jumped out to me – Blackbird. “Take these broken wings and lean to fly”. To me this means we can always learn how to fly. Right now you feel like you have broken wings, let go, heal, and you will fly, I promise you.

[White Flower]

You need to realize that men don't only 'love' women for their beauty, etc. You think this girl is ugly and a 'bore' but obviously he doesn't see her the same way. If you walk away without a lesson in this whole thing, please learn this one:

 

It does not matter how pretty the woman is; it only matters how she makes him feel.

 

You obviously are not able to handle this kind of R and you will never change him.

 

Good luck.