No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[frustrated_one]

Thank you. In this case, I can actually feel what she feels. The frustration she feels is no different than mine. However, in her case, her H has hit with the one thing that women feel most vulnerable about...weight or looks.

In other words, "if you look better, then I will have sex with you."

 

Frustrated_one, is there any other reason that your H may not want to have sex with you? Does he look at a lot of porn? Does he spend alot of time "at work?" Is he on the computer many hours? Is there anything in his life that popped in your head when you read my question that may contribute to is lack of interest in sex?

 

For the life of me, I cannot understand why he would not want sex with a willing woman...and especially if it was with the woman he loved.

 

You are sooooooooooooooo right on weight/looks - it's the thing I feel most vulnerable about.

 

I am fairly certain that porn does not even enter the equation - we are both committed Christians and while that does not give us a free pass, I would just be shocked. He doesn't disappear to be on the computer, he works, but not excessively at the office. It's just not in his nature. He is a very kind, sensitive and compassionate man.

 

I really do not have a reason to question his "reason" other than what he told me about his 10-year relationship {that ended when we started} with a thin woman that he characterized as "not a very sexual relationship." He said he was not a very sexual person. But of course, at that time our sexual activities belied that statement and he told me "not to worry" about our sex life cause that would not be a problem.

 

James, as you alluded to in your post, with men, sex is often "about them" and their needs, not their wife/partner so you would think I'd be getting some just from that aspect. They are wired to need that physical release.

 

I mean, I would have sex with him five times a week if he wanted. All I asked of him for Christmas {as my gift last year} was to have sex at least 4 times a month. I literally told him that's what I wanted. No gifts, just sex. I do not think that is asking alot - is it? He's 50 and very healthy and as far as I know and/or can tell there are no function problems.

 

James, your post also brings to my mind another aspect of this - POWER. The situation with my husband makes me feel like he has the power in our relationship and that I am "less than". While I acknowledge my husband as the head of our family, we have always had a "side by side" partnership. Now I feel like he "has hand" {to borrow a line from Seinfield}.

 

Lastly, I concur - if a man has a wife who loves sex and loves having sex with him, why wouldn't he have sex with her - even if to meet his biological needs.

[frustrated_one]

Yes, yes, yes!

 

I think you are so thoughtful and I pray your wife begins to treat you in the way that you deserve.

 

I will not speak for FO, but for me sex is not about the physical act with my husband. I find just as much pleasure in having sex with him as I do cuddling up with him and having his strong arms around me. But either way, I know he desires to be close to me and that closeness fuels our relationship. Knowing that he finds me beautiful, no matter how much I weigh, is to me as important as sex seems to be to the men here. To be rejected because of my outward appearence would be a betrayal of the highest magnitude. I want him to love the person who I am and accept me.

 

I'm not saying that it's okay to gain weight to "test" his devotion. I don't believe that. What I am saying is that for most women the topic of their weight is where they are most vulnerable. Many women define themselves by the number they see on the scale. It's is the aspect in their lives where they need the most support,love and acceptance. To reject a wife when she has gained weight is like a blow to the gut. It is defeating and so emotionally devestating I can not even begin to imagine the pain and self doubt FO must be going through because of it.

 

If it were me, I'd look at my husband as a fairweather friend. When I am slim and trim, everything is fine. But when I have gained weight and when I need your love and support the most, you shut me out. That is like a slap in the face.

 

As much as my husband needs sex to feel loved, I need to feel adored and cherished. Rejecting me because of the way I look does nothing to provide those fundamental needs. It seems the quickest way to kill intimacy.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

H_O has had this problem only recently, from what I read.... You have been in a sexless marriage for years and years.... I have not read back 4 years, but I imagine sex decreased slowly but surely until it is now classified as "sexless".

 

You would have every right to feel resentment if your spouse told you today the list of things (vs. the one - weight loss) needed to do to have sex again today after years of rejection.... This is a recent issue with the OP....

 

Now as nasty as it sounds I would take the OP's H at his word and put it in writing..... I.e. lose 10 lbs, we'll have sex, lost 25 lbs, have it 2X's/mth, lose the 50 lbs, we'll be shaking the walls as long as you can keep it up!!!!

[JamesM]

I think you are so thoughtful and I pray your wife begins to treat you in the way that you deserve.

 

 

As much as my husband needs sex to feel loved, I need to feel adored and cherished. Rejecting me because of the way I look does nothing to provide those fundamental needs. It seems the quickest way to kill intimacy.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

And this what you need, too, isn't it, F_O? You wan the affirmation that you are beautiful despite the weight gain? You want to feel adored for all of you not just the physical part of you? And by losing weight, then you will feel as if only the physical part of you is loved, correct?

 

Even as a guy, I would wonder, too, if my wife would only have sex with me if I lost weight. I would wonder why and wonder who she is thinking of while we ahve sex. Then I would wonder if sex has lost its important as an expression of love.

 

Hopeful, I agree. Telling a woman to lose weight before sex will be enjoyable in many cases would kill the interest for sex for the woman.

 

F_O, why are you still interested in sex if you feel as if you are only loved physically? What do you seek from sex with your H?

 

 

You are sooooooooooooooo right on weight/looks - it's the thing I feel most vulnerable about.

 

This is the case with most women...and even with many men.

 

I am fairly certain that porn does not even enter the equation - we are both committed Christians and while that does not give us a free pass, I would just be shocked. He doesn't disappear to be on the computer, he works, but not excessively at the office. It's just not in his nature. He is a very kind, sensitive and compassionate man.

 

Many women believe this of their husbands, and yet it happens often. I am not saying that he is into porn or anything else, but it cannot be ruled out. But my guess is that you would have some clue if you thought about it, so he probably isn't watching any excessively. The reason I asked is because his standard measurement for interest in you is one that porn addicts will have because they watch porn with many beautiful women. This can cause their expectations of women to be slanted. Not saying that some porn would do this but excessive porn could.

 

I really do not have a reason to question his "reason" other than what he told me about his 10-year relationship {that ended when we started} with a thin woman that he characterized as "not a very sexual relationship." He said he was not a very sexual person. But of course, at that time our sexual activities belied that statement and he told me "not to worry" about our sex life cause that would not be a problem.

 

Did you two meet when he was still with the first woman? Did he leave her for you...or was it over before he met you?

 

Is there anything or things that you can correlate to his loss of interest in sex? Was it only related to a certain weight you reached...or were there other issues, too? What problems besides sex do you have in your relationship that may be significant? (And usually it is the first thing that popped into your head if there is one. Doesn't mean it is part of the problem but it may be worth mentioning).

 

James, as you alluded to in your post, with men, sex is often "about them" and their needs, not their wife/partner so you would think I'd be getting some just from that aspect. They are wired to need that physical release.

 

So for the sake of argument, let's ask. Where does he get his "physical release?"

 

Don't shoot me but I guess I should ask. Does he have any close male friends that he goes out with often? Does he have any female friends that he works with that he may have lunch with on a regular basis?

 

I mean, I would have sex with him five times a week if he wanted. All I asked of him for Christmas {as my gift last year} was to have sex at least 4 times a month. I literally told him that's what I wanted. No gifts, just sex. I do not think that is asking alot - is it? He's 50 and very healthy and as far as I know and/or can tell there are no function problems.

 

I am incredibly jealous. On the other hand, then sex would be an obligation, too. But one would think that his love for you would at least get him to try and fulfill your gift. And as a man, I cannot understand how he can forgo the physical enjoyment of sex.

 

I am 46, so 50 is not old enough to forget about sex. And if there are no function problems (which was one of my questions), then this makes me think this is an emotional issue.

 

When the two of you last had sex or when you had sex regularly, is there anything that happened which may contribute to his lack of interest in sex with you? Is there any issues other than your weight which were a problem? Did he always seem to enjoy it or was he distant while performing? Did he treat you with love or did you feel as if you were being used?

 

James, your post also brings to my mind another aspect of this - POWER. The situation with my husband makes me feel like he has the power in our relationship and that I am "less than". While I acknowledge my husband as the head of our family, we have always had a "side by side" partnership.

 

Has there ever been a time that he feels as if he doesn't control the household? Is "being the head of the household" a big deal for him? Does he feel the need to be in control?

 

Could this be a power struggle? If so, why?

 

Lastly, I concur - if a man has a wife who loves sex and loves having sex with him, why wouldn't he have sex with her - even if to meet his biological needs.

 

Quick answer which may or may not apply to your husband....he no longer physically needs it, or he is getting satisfied somewhere else.

[JamesM]

F_O has had this problem only recently, from what I read.... You have been in a sexless marriage for years and years.... I have not read back 4 years, but I imagine sex decreased slowly but surely until it is now classified as "sexless".

 

This is different in that my wife has never given me a good reason either. I agree.

 

Yet the similarity is that losing weight may still be a symptom. I don't think I am alone in saying that most married men would never quit having sex because their wife gained weight. They may be less attracted to her, but I doubt they would lose interest all together. Most of us feel love much deeper than that.

 

I would propose that even if a man went out with a BBW (big beautiful woman) who they just met and she was willing to have sex (and he was single), most men would be interested for the physical aspect if anything.

 

Withholding sex due to a weight gain is an unusual thing for a man to do.

 

You would have every right to feel resentment if your spouse told you today the list of things (vs. the one - weight loss) needed to do to have sex again today after years of rejection.... This is a recent issue with the OP....

 

I guess I was thinking that even if it was given to me at the beginning of our problems.

 

Being told that you need to meet some requirements or standards before sex will happen takes away the whole purpose of sex...if it is with the one you love.

 

Now as nasty as it sounds I would take the OP's H at his word and put it in writing..... I.e. lose 10 lbs, we'll have sex, lost 25 lbs, have it 2X's/mth, lose the 50 lbs, we'll be shaking the walls as long as you can keep it up!!!!

 

While men can do this, most women cannot.

 

And as someone who would love sex, even I cannot see myself liking this arrangement for long. I do get your point though. It would put the ball back in his court and force his hand.

 

My thinking is that F_O should simply begin losing weight and see if the H does gain interest in her physically. If she sees no change, then she will know that it is more than just a weight issue.

[reddog63]

Knowing that he finds me beautiful, no matter how much I weigh, is to me as important as sex seems to be to the men here.

 

Rejecting me because of the way I look does nothing to provide those fundamental needs. It seems the quickest way to kill intimacy.

 

 

Of course, this is a no win discussion between men and women as they think so different. Men are visual, that is our makeup. It is a need as much as a woman's need might be financial stability. Some men may take it to the extreme when we are only talking about 10 pounds or so. But many are not happy .......obviously.........when we start talking 30, 40 or more pounds being added.

 

If we could take the emotions and insecurities out of this, then obviously a spouse would find their partner less desirable if they are overweight and out of shape. And since men are programmed to be visual creatures, this will be a need that goes unmet if the spouse does nothing about it. Eventually resentment will build up.

 

This notion that he should find you beautiful no matter what size you are is unrealistic. That would be similiar to something like......a spouse who has a need for financial sercurity, whos partner is irresponsible with money , should still love him for who he is. Then, after a certain amount of time, you build resentment towards him because you get frustrated time and time again. This affects your feelings of love towards him.

 

I just have always seen this concept of needs being so simple. If your partner has a need, try to do your best to meet it.

[JamesM]

I am going to comment on a few things from the first post here....

 

I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.

 

What type of surgeries out of curiosity?

 

I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old.

 

That is a bit excessive. Is he attracted to your face or smile? Does he ever compliment you on your looks?

 

Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing.

 

So it wasn't a sudden thing? When you did have sex, was he really into it?

 

He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.

 

Has he ever said he doesn't love you, or does he say it significantly less?

 

What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different.

 

He still could be different. Why should looks be a separate thing from inner beauty?

 

My concern is that he only will have sex with you if you lose weight. While a H and a wife should be able to be honest with one another, it should not cause them to quit loving one another or showing that love.

 

Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms.

 

The question is...are you miserable because you do not think he loves you, or because you have gained so much weight?

 

Is the snoring connected to the weight issue? I see another motive for losing weight?

 

Why did you gain so much weight?

 

I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."

 

Again I understand. Suddenly losing weight is an ultimatum. I think the issues in your marriage go deeper than excessive weight, yet losing weight will be good for you, too. I think you even feel that you are out of control with the extra weight.

 

I think you will be happier with yourself as Jersey said earlier. And using "revenge" as your motivation may be helpful.

 

I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.

 

What emotional problems besides your H cause you to eat?

 

Honestly, your weight gain is NOT because of a lack of sex. It stems from something else. Having a wife who was abused as a child and hearing and seeing how she uses food as an emotional "crutch" to keep control of something in her life, I wonder if the other issues in your life have caused the weight gain. It may be the other issues that are really driving you to not want to lose weight.

 

Perhaps your H is more controlling than you realize. Perhaps you struggle with being your own person. Perhaps there are other issues that you have struggled with from your earlier years that drive you to use food as an emotional tool.

 

I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less.

 

You may love your H but have a lot of resentment towards him. This may cause you to protect yourself with weight. It may also be your way to see if his love goes deeper than your outward beauty. And this may stem from earlier issues before he was in the picture. The fact that you wonder if he is different than other men makes me wonder, too.

 

Perhaps some counseling would be helpful? Have you looked into that?

 

I know that I brought up your first post and it is a bit unusual, but I realized that I saw some comments that gave me some questions.

[hopeful1980]

Of course, this is a no win discussion between men and women as they think so different. Men are visual, that is our makeup. It is a need as much as a woman's need might be financial stability. Some men may take it to the extreme when we are only talking about 10 pounds or so. But many are not happy .......obviously.........when we start talking 30, 40 or more pounds being added.

 

If we could take the emotions and insecurities out of this, then obviously a spouse would find their partner less desirable if they are overweight and out of shape. And since men are programmed to be visual creatures, this will be a need that goes unmet if the spouse does nothing about it. Eventually resentment will build up.

 

This notion that he should find you beautiful no matter what size you are is unrealistic. That would be similiar to something like......a spouse who has a need for financial sercurity, whos partner is irresponsible with money , should still love him for who he is. Then, after a certain amount of time, you build resentment towards him because you get frustrated time and time again. This affects your feelings of love towards him.

 

I just have always seen this concept of needs being so simple. If your partner has a need, try to do your best to meet it.

 

I just disagree. If my husband was in a terrible accident and was horribly disfigured, I would not be so repulsed by him that I would stop having sex with him. If he was physically able, I'd still be willing. I have the ability to separate my love for him and my desire to be intimate with him with his form. Apparently, others do not possess this gift and I honestly feel sorry for them.

 

My husband was out of work for some time. He didn't even look for a job because he was depressed. I treated him badly and I am ashamed of it now. When he needed me the most, I let him down. Even though it's human, it's no way to behave in a marriage. Now I know better and I am my husband's biggest cheerleader in every situation, but especially when he is down. That's when he needs my love the most.

 

It is so unfortunate when a spouse is most down and needs the most, that is the exact moment when the other spouse treats them the worst. Like I said, this is human but it's unfair. It's not being a good spouse.

[JackJack]

Its not a problem if people "disagree" or are "sick and tired of this defense."

 

That's your right to feel that way and say whatever you like, just as it is my right to say and feel whatever I think and feel. In regards to my earlier post, yes that's exactly the way I feel and see it and how its been said on these boards before.

[hopeful1980]

This is an inaccurate comparison because one does not CHOOSE to get into a car accident. I think a lot of how a partner feels when their SO puts on excessive weight is the perceived lack of effort it took for that to happen. My thought is that the partner has a strong dislike for the traits that lead to the weight gain. The perceived "laziness" (refusal to exercise) and gluttony (over eating). Before you blast me, I am in no way calling the OP a glutton or lazy. That's why I said "the perceived..." I'm trying to put myself in the partners' shoes and understand other reasons, besides just visual, that would cause the changes in the attraction level.

 

If that's the case, than it's not her actual weight loss that is the problem. If you can't compare one way a person can become physically unattrative to another basedon the fact that one is self imposed, then attractiveness is not the issue. If that is the case, then the whole "men are visual" loses weight (no pun intended).

 

If FOs husband would still have sex with her if the weight gain was not because of her overeating, but becasue of something beyond her control then it's not her form that is making her unattractive to him.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This is different in that my wife has never given me a good reason either. I agree.

 

Yet the similarity is that losing weight may still be a symptom. I don't think I am alone in saying that most married men would never quit having sex because their wife gained weight. They may be less attracted to her, but I doubt they would lose interest all together. Most of us feel love much deeper than that.

 

I would propose that even if a man went out with a BBW (big beautiful woman) who they just met and she was willing to have sex (and he was single), most men would be interested for the physical aspect if anything.

 

Withholding sex due to a weight gain is an unusual thing for a man to do.

 

 

I guess I was thinking that even if it was given to me at the beginning of our problems.

 

If you were told the problem early on, you try and do something about it. I know I would. I think all the males who have posted tried to remedy the problem as they were told it existed. These issues were usually abstract, like too much stress, help with the household, be more romantic..... And we did it and it was not enough. Example my spouse is stressed and I am trying to get her away for a little trip (sans me).... When she get's back I expect she will jump me;).... You know what, probably won't happen, thus I will state that it is not stress. Do I resent that she is stressed???? No.... But I will do what will address the stress.

 

Here the answer was told, and to date she has not done anything (losing weight).

 

Being told that you need to meet some requirements or standards before sex will happen takes away the whole purpose of sex...if it is with the one you love.

 

 

While men can do this, most women cannot.

 

And as someone who would love sex, even I cannot see myself liking this arrangement for long. I do get your point though. It would put the ball back in his court and force his hand.

 

And is this not what you have done in your journey to understand your spouse. Have you not changed your demeaner, outlook, empathy and things specifically for her, because it is important for your relationship and the hope is you will have sex????

 

My thinking is that F_O should simply begin losing weight and see if the H does gain interest in her physically. If she sees no change, then she will know that it is more than just a weight issue.

 

Yep.... Many here think that it is more then the weight, and may be right. But first and foremost she needs to lose some weight and see the response IF THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS......

[JackJack]

"Yep.... Many here think that it is more then the weight, and may be right. But first and foremost she needs to lose some weight and see the response IF THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS"......

 

 

Exactly, and I'm one of those who THINKS, doesn't KNOW, but THINKS there is more to it than just weight. I was one of the ones who also stated earlier on in this post, that regardless of the outcome, she still needed to put forth more effort into losing weight. Sure the weight might be or could be the main issue but its my right to THINK there is more to it, just like its other people's right to think its only one the weight issue. No one really knows for sure.

[hopeful1980]

Everyone, including Frustrated, agrees she should lose weight.

 

Frustrated, I hope you keep us posted on your weight loss and (hopefully) subsequent boost in sex from your husband. I'm rooting for you girlfriend!

[reddog63]

I just disagree. If my husband was in a terrible accident and was horribly disfigured, I would not be so repulsed by him that I would stop having sex with him. If he was physically able, I'd still be willing. I have the ability to separate my love for him and my desire to be intimate with him with his form. Apparently, others do not possess this gift and I honestly feel sorry for them.

 

My husband was out of work for some time. He didn't even look for a job because he was depressed. I treated him badly and I am ashamed of it now. When he needed me the most, I let him down. Even though it's human, it's no way to behave in a marriage. Now I know better and I am my husband's biggest cheerleader in every situation, but especially when he is down. That's when he needs my love the most.

 

It is so unfortunate when a spouse is most down and needs the most, that is the exact moment when the other spouse treats them the worst. Like I said, this is human but it's unfair. It's not being a good spouse.

 

 

Unfortuantely you do not see the big picture IMO...............Your husband should have been looking for a job.................a spouse way out of shape should be doing something about it.............a spouse who is a workaholic should be spending more time with his/her family.............a spouse who has a terrible temper should be doing something about it..............of course, since you love your partner you do it in a respectful manner, but you do ADDRESS the issue.

 

You didnt need to treat your husband badly, but you had all the right to tell him it is necessary for him to look for a job. But obviously, it was a NEED of yours for him to be providing income. Their is nothing wroing with that. Now, your approach may have been wrong..........

 

And the same goes for the weight issue...........their should be nothing wrong with a spouse saying something in a nice manner.

[hopeful1980]

Unfortuantely you do not see the big picture IMO...............Your husband should have been looking for a job.................a spouse way out of shape should be doing something about it.............a spouse who is a workaholic should be spending more time with his/her family.............a spouse who has a terrible temper should be doing something about it..............of course, since you love your partner you do it in a respectful manner, but you do ADDRESS the issue.

 

You didnt need to treat your husband badly, but you had all the right to tell him it is necessary for him to look for a job. But obviously, it was a NEED of yours for him to be providing income. Their is nothing wroing with that. Now, your approach may have been wrong..........

 

And the same goes for the weight issue...........their should be nothing wrong with a spouse saying something in a nice manner.

 

This made me laugh. I am looking at the big picture. I can not deny my husband love and affection because he is doing something I don't like. That's my bottom line. I did encourage him to get a job, and thankfully he has. A good job. But it was only after I decided to stop using my love for him as leverage that he got into high gear. When I started treating him like the person I wanted him to be instead of punishing him for the person he was being, he felt my support and he was motivated.

 

I'm not suggesting that it's okay for a spouse to lose ambition or motivation in doing the things they need to do. What I am suggesting is that they need the right kind of support during that time. I'm all about getting results. Whatever works, that's what I'm going to do. Being mean ato my husband and treating him like less than a man (although justified) did not get me the results I wanted. Treating him like a king regardless of his employment status did.

[hopeful1980]

What worked for your H may not work for everyone. And it may not have been anything you did or didn't do at all.

 

If you don't think what a wife does and says to her husband motivates him or discourages him, then I don't know how long you've been married. I've only been married 5 years and I can tell you that everything I do and say can either build my husband up or tear him down. I can crush his dreams with one word or make him feel like all his dreams are possible.

 

I know for a fact that how I treat my husband relates directly to what he does.

[frustrated_one]

If you don't think what a wife does and says to her husband motivates him or discourages him, then I don't know how long you've been married. I've only been married 5 years and I can tell you that everything I do and say can either build my husband up or tear him down. I can crush his dreams with one word or make him feel like all his dreams are possible.

 

I know for a fact that how I treat my husband relates directly to what he does.

 

I think it's one of our most important roles as wifes - we need to encourage and believe in them. Far too many men are emasculated in their marital relationships. Just a recent example is that Jon & Kate Plus 8. I caught a few episodes the season or two before all the troubles and I was just in shock at what I saw and how she was treating him. Of course, you never know if what you see on a TV show is reality, it's all in the editing, but since their split Jon seems to confirm what was shown on TV.

 

Men are not children to be talked down to and they do not need us to mother them. We need to honor him as the head of our household and respect that role.

[mem11363]

Hopeful,

I agree. Still - if I choose to do the wrong thing I cannot lay that at my wifes door. If she chooses to do the wrong thing she cannot lay that at my door.

 

You are trying to make the husband a collaborator in this situation. He is not. He is a bad partner - but not a causal factor.

 

If you make enough excuses for FO - she will not solve this problem - which is a health problem as much as an aesthetic/commitment issue. You are making it way too easy for her to make this whole thing about him.

 

So we can suggest how she deal with her man - like if I were her I would ask him

- if he was willing to go for a walk with me every night and

- if he was willing to throw out any foods that cause me trouble

- if he was willing to skip dessert when we eat at a restaurant - just to be decent

 

Still - whether he is or is not on board - she is her own captain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you don't think what a wife does and says to her husband motivates him or discourages him, then I don't know how long you've been married. I've only been married 5 years and I can tell you that everything I do and say can either build my husband up or tear him down. I can crush his dreams with one word or make him feel like all his dreams are possible.

 

I know for a fact that how I treat my husband relates directly to what he does.

[frustrated_one]

The books I ordered from Dr. Harley {His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters} have arrived. I hope to be able to look at them over the weekend and am really praying that my husband will complete the questionnaire and work on this with me. He hates quizzes and the like, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

 

Tonight hubby has suggested going to see the new Disney 3-D Scrooge movie and then going out for dinner. Ugh! It is so hard to make good choices when eating out!

 

My "weigh in" day is tomorrow. A few church friends and I are meeting weekly to encourage and pray for each other regarding our struggle with weight. Hoping to see a downward movement on that scale!

[frustrated_one]

 

So we can suggest how she deal with her man - like if I were her I would ask him

- if he was willing to go for a walk with me every night and

- if he was willing to throw out any foods that cause me trouble

- if he was willing to skip dessert when we eat at a restaurant - just to be decent

 

Still - whether he is or is not on board - she is her own captain.

 

I have already tossed all the food that's not fit to eat. Dessert is not a problem - we never order it as I don't have much of a sweet tooth.

 

About the walk - where we live it is very dark by the time he gets home and our country road does not have any street lights. So, earlier this week I took myself for a walk - round trip our road is 1 mile. I will also do that tomorrow and Sunday as it is going to be warm here! Then, on Monday is my second workout with the trainer.

 

I'm taking those baby steps.

[frustrated_one]

FO, have you thought about my above question?

Originally Posted by mem11363

Frustrated - sorry to put you on the spot. If your H got in bed with you and made the effort to please you orally - and lets just say he didn't want/couldn't have intercourse with you - but he was sincerely making the effort to please you - how would you feel about that?

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by jja470

Would this make you feel like it was "pity sex" as you put it recently? If so, then how would you propose to end this stalemate? You wouldn't WANT "pity sex," you said, so if he "can't get it up" because he just isn't attracted to you at the weight you are right now, what would you propose he do? I mean, if the guy is entering into the whole thing from a "pity sex" standpoint, even if he DOES begin to enjoy it later as you say he always does, would that still be okay with you as long as it ended well? Would it "feel" okay for you to begin each "love session" with him physically reluctant at the onset?

 

 

I answered that earlier, in a post on page 16 . . . sorry, here it is again:

 

My hubby gives GREAT, make-me-scream-call-the-police-because-it-sounds-like-a-woman-is-being-murdered oral - I LOVE IT! However, your scenario would NEVER happen - when he makes me scream, I make him C**! It gets him hot and he's gotta do me.

 

I always want to say when we are done . . . "Now Sugar, that wasn't so bad, was it?" It's true for us what I have read from experts . . . even if you are not in the mood . . . once you get into it, you enjoy it!

 

NEW

To me, if he gets all hot and bothered while giving oral {doing it because he can't perform otherwise, let say} and during the process he gets to a state where HE has to have intercourse , then it's not pity sex.

 

That is always how is goes with us - I have to corner him to where he really can't get out of it. Then we start and he's off and running and it's not always boring missionary stuff either! He won't go from behind anymore (which I really miss) but I still have a few ways to ride my cowboy!

[frustrated_one]

You will get to a point where you are resentful when something interferes with your workout. When I've been working out and lifting weights and my body changes and my strength increases, I start to feel very powerful and sexy!

 

Looking forward to THAT happening!

[hopeful1980]

Hopeful,

I agree. Still - if I choose to do the wrong thing I cannot lay that at my wifes door. If she chooses to do the wrong thing she cannot lay that at my door.

 

You are trying to make the husband a collaborator in this situation. He is not. He is a bad partner - but not a causal factor.

 

If you make enough excuses for FO - she will not solve this problem - which is a health problem as much as an aesthetic/commitment issue. You are making it way too easy for her to make this whole thing about him.

 

So we can suggest how she deal with her man - like if I were her I would ask him

- if he was willing to go for a walk with me every night and

- if he was willing to throw out any foods that cause me trouble

- if he was willing to skip dessert when we eat at a restaurant - just to be decent

 

Still - whether he is or is not on board - she is her own captain.

 

I KNOW! I'm not making any excuses for her weight at all. Go back and read my posts to her. Nowhere did I excuse her weight. That's why she has to do it for herself and not him.

 

I'm just not going to excuse her husband's behavior either. I find that unaccepatable as well. But, I have told FO to forgive him for being that way and forgive herself for gaining the weight and move on to her healthier life.

 

The rest was just a side conversation about other stuff in marriage and not directly related to FO and her situation. It happens from time to time here on LS.

[mem11363]

I am rooting for you. Sorry this is so hard. I get the dark road thing. That is tough. Two ideas for you:

- I bought this miners headlamp - similar to: black diamond icon headlamp, it works really well for night time walk/run. Comfortable and bright.

- A treadmill - the best thing about this is that you can set it up with tivo so you can watch your favorite show/shows while walking - this also weatherproofs your routine. I think this is the best answer by far if you have a place to put it.

 

I will simply tell you that this journey is totally worth it. And I say that from the other side of the mountain - when I fixed my weight issue - and the physical part of our marriage really returned, that was a joyous thing. And I can sit here all day long and say my wife is shallow - doesn't change the fact she is nearly perfect for me. Doesn't change the fact that I deeply love her and wanted her to desire me and she could not.

 

This is what I would say to him.

- Be supportive - this is hard for your wife

- Touch her, hug her and give her a nice massage at night - be loving

- Do things that are fun and active for both of you - go on hikes - be a good partner

- If she wants a treadmill - support that

 

 

I have already tossed all the food that's not fit to eat. Dessert is not a problem - we never order it as I don't have much of a sweet tooth.

 

About the walk - where we live it is very dark by the time he gets home and our country road does not have any street lights. So, earlier this week I took myself for a walk - round trip our road is 1 mile. I will also do that tomorrow and Sunday as it is going to be warm here! Then, on Monday is my second workout with the trainer.

 

I'm taking those baby steps.

[hopeful1980]

I think it's one of our most important roles as wifes - we need to encourage and believe in them. Far too many men are emasculated in their marital relationships. Just a recent example is that Jon & Kate Plus 8. I caught a few episodes the season or two before all the troubles and I was just in shock at what I saw and how she was treating him. Of course, you never know if what you see on a TV show is reality, it's all in the editing, but since their split Jon seems to confirm what was shown on TV.

 

Men are not children to be talked down to and they do not need us to mother them. We need to honor him as the head of our household and respect that role.

 

Yes, I agree. That's such a sad sad example, but it is definitely true.

 

You said you two are Christians and as such it is your duty to respect him. But God also calls on him to love you. I will pray for him that his love for you is reignited in a way you can feel. I really hope you guys can work it out.