No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[giotto]

 

I always knew you loved him more then you loved food :)

 

This is such a simplistic remark and quite offensive, IMO...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This is such a simplistic remark and quite offensive, IMO...

 

Yes and no.... Simplistic, but that was the issue from the first post. He always loved her, just did not want to have sex with the obese version of the woman he married.

 

Remember this increase was over only 4 years and she did absolutely nothing to about it (exercise, better diet) even though he told her it was a problem and was affecting his attraction to her.

[frustrated_one]

I know that everyone just wants to blame me for shoving food down my throat, however, that is not exactly how it happened. I do want to remind everyone that most of the weight gain happened within the two years I had five surgeries done on my feet. (I think gained about 15-20lbs before the surgeries) That is NOT an excuse, but it is a complicating reality.

[mem11363]

FO,

I get the foot thing I really do. I have reflux disease - so it is a serious bother for me to do what I have been asked and ADD weight. It takes effort and persistence. My wife really doesn't ask for that much and she is very giving. So I do it with a loving heart just like I do most of the other stuff she asks.

 

I am simply responding to the amazing, nay incredible amount of posting from people suggesting you stand on principle and basically tell your "shallow" husband to go screw. By the way these were mostly the same crew who INCORRECTLY ascribed all sorts of other bad motives to your spouse regarding to his sexual behavior. They were wrong then and wrong now.

 

You are quite aware that you have been blessed more then cursed physiologically. You are quite attractive and have been since birth. Yes you have to work to get fit, but there are plenty of homely women with great metabolisms who are thin - and quite unattractive. Most of them would switch with you in a heartbeat. And they would crazily workout for a year to get to the spot you were born in - seriously hot. Sadly they cannot walk their way to beauty....

 

You have a great husband who loves you and wants for both of you to have a happy passionate marriage. He isn't perfect - and yet it seems so many of the posters here want you to jam his imperfection down his throat and tell him to suck it up and deal.

 

It is your marriage, so do what you want. He is asking you to make a sacrifice for him. Just like he would/has done for you and will in the future. The wives of 1950 / 1900 / 1850.... would collectively gasp in shock at the idea that folks are actually hammering this guy for expressing his preferences.

 

I re-read my first post and have come full circle. You married a great guy. I bet he was kind and supportive and loving while you had all those foot surgeries. You have this great guy and he is asking you to make an effort for him. Do it and your marriage thrives. Ignore him and over time you strain the marriage. It really is that simple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that everyone just wants to blame me for shoving food down my throat, however, that is not exactly how it happened. I do want to remind everyone that most of the weight gain happened within the two years I had five surgeries done on my feet. (I think gained about 15-20lbs before the surgeries) That is NOT an excuse, but it is a complicating reality.

Edited November 25, 2009 by mem11363

[TinyLee222]

FO,

I get the foot thing I really do. I have reflux disease - so it is a serious bother for me to do what I have been asked and ADD weight. It takes effort and persistence. My wife really doesn't ask for that much and she is very giving. So I do it with a loving heart just like I do most of the other stuff she asks.

I am simply responding to the amazing, nay incredible amount of posting from people suggesting you stand on principle and basically tell your "shallow" husband to go screw. By the way these were mostly the same crew who INCORRECTLY ascribed all sorts of other bad motives to your spouse. They were wrong then and wrong now.

 

You are quite aware that you have been blessed more then cursed physiologically. You are quite attractive and have been since birth. Yes you have to work to get fit, but there are plenty of homely women with great metabolisms who are thin - and quite unattractive. Most of them would switch with you in a heartbeat. And they would crazily workout for a year to get to the spot you were born in - seriously hot. Sadly they cannot walk their way to beauty....

 

You have a great husband who loves you and wants for both of you to have a happy passionate marriage. He isn't perfect - and yet it seems so many of the posters here want you to jam his imperfection down his throat and tell him to suck it up and deal.

 

It is your marriage, so do what you want. He is asking you to make a sacrifice for him. Just like he would/has done for you and will in the future. The wives of 1950 / 1900 / 1850.... would collectively gasp in shock at the idea that folks are actually hammering this guy for expressing his preferences.

 

I re-read my first post and have come full circle. You married a great guy. I bet he was kind and supportive and loving while you had all those foot surgeries. You have this great guy and he is asking you to make an effort for him. Do it and your marriage thrives. Ignore him and over time you strain the marriage. It really is that simple.

 

 

That would be me and I agree I was harsh but we still don't know whether

he has been truthful about everything. I guess time will tell. I still

think that the way she has been treated by her husband was cruel and controlling and I hope he knows he has a woman who is devoted to him.

I am glad FO is happy and I wish her well with her weight loss and

increased fitness. Wouldn't it be ironic if once she got in shape she

became resentful of the way she had been treated by her husband? I wonder if he thinks about that? I doubt it.

 

Lee

[Jersey Shortie]

This is such a simplistic remark and quite offensive, IMO...

 

Agree. And it seems that this person probably loves someone who is skinny more then he does the actual person.

 

I am glad the OP is feeling better and loosing weight. However, her man's love is clearly not unconditional. His love and affection is based on her waist line. That blows because that's clearly what he cares about.

[ali0112]

No, his LOVE is not based on her waistline; his DESIRE is. There is a big difference.

[cheergirl]

FO,

I am simply responding to the amazing, nay incredible amount of posting from people suggesting you stand on principle and basically tell your "shallow" husband to go screw. By the way these were mostly the same crew who INCORRECTLY ascribed all sorts of other bad motives to your spouse regarding to his sexual behavior. They were wrong then and wrong now.

 

You are quite aware that you have been blessed more then cursed physiologically. You are quite attractive and have been since birth. Yes you have to work to get fit, but there are plenty of homely women with great metabolisms who are thin - and quite unattractive. Most of them would switch with you in a heartbeat. And they would crazily workout for a year to get to the spot you were born in - seriously hot. Sadly they cannot walk their way to beauty....

 

You have a great husband who loves you and wants for both of you to have a happy passionate marriage. He isn't perfect - and yet it seems so many of the posters here want you to jam his imperfection down his throat and tell him to suck it up and deal.

 

It is your marriage, so do what you want. He is asking you to make a sacrifice for him. Just like he would/has done for you and will in the future. The wives of 1950 / 1900 / 1850.... would collectively gasp in shock at the idea that folks are actually hammering this guy for expressing his preferences.

 

I re-read my first post and have come full circle. You married a great guy. I bet he was kind and supportive and loving while you had all those foot surgeries. You have this great guy and he is asking you to make an effort for him. Do it and your marriage thrives. Ignore him and over time you strain the marriage. It really is that simple.

 

Preach!

 

It's almost like certain folks on this forum actually

 

• want her to be overweight and unhappy
  
• they want her to not get lovin' from her husband
  
• they want her marriage to fail...
  

How sick is that???:eek:

 

Even when she comes back with good news they're still negative and poisonous towards the husband...

 

I truly hope in real life FO is surrounded by loving people who will tell her the unvarnished truth in order to support her and her marriage, rather than these wicked man-blamers (male and female) who want to support her self-destructive behavour.

I'm glad she decided to listen to the people who had her and her husband's best interests at heart....

[EmmaLou]

Preach!

 

It's almost like certain folks on this forum actually

 

• want her to be overweight and unhappy
  
• they want her to not get lovin' from her husband
  
• they want her marriage to fail...
  

How sick is that???:eek:

 

Even when she comes back with good news they're still negative and poisonous towards the husband...

 

I truly hope in real life FO is surrounded by loving people who will tell her the unvarnished truth in order to support her and her marriage, rather than these wicked man-blamers (male and female) who want to support her self-destructive behavour.

I'm glad she decided to listen to the people who had her and her husband's best interests at heart....

 

That's a really nasty post... 'poisonous' 'wicked man blamers'.. Just accept that people see this differently and were just offering their opinion. It's just alien for some of us to see that some peoples desire is based on waist line.. We have good intentions too.

[Toki]

First things first... if you want professional advice, go to a professional. People telling you what your problem is, without being able to see the problem in detail, is the same as if I gave you a quick one over and said "Ah, the problem is... you're fat. Better stop eating less, and you should also work out more." it may be the cheap option, but the advice is cheap (more like worthless) as well.

 

Physician, Therapist, Dietitian. People yelling at you, and blaming you or your husband isn't solving anything...

[tommyr]

It's just alien for some of us to see that some peoples desire is based on waist line..

 

You are joking here, right?

Speaking for myself, and just about every single man I have ever known, sexual desire is indeed based on waist line.

To be more specific for those who might be unclear on this issue, a thin waist line is far sexier than a large waist line.

[Jersey Shortie]

Preach!

 

It's almost like certain folks on this forum actually

want her to be overweight and unhappy

they want her to not get lovin' from her husband

they want her marriage to fail...

How sick is that???

 

Even when she comes back with good news they're still negative and poisonous towards the husband...

 

I truly hope in real life FO is surrounded by loving people who will tell her the unvarnished truth in order to support her and her marriage, rather than these wicked man-blamers (male and female) who want to support her self-destructive behavour.

 

I'm glad she decided to listen to the people who had her and her husband's best interests at heart....

 

There isn't one person here that doesn't simultaneously both have the OP's best interest at heart AND are giving advice based on their own personal desires. There isn't any one person here who wants the OP to be unhappy and unloved. And to make the assumption that advice given that differs from your own viewpoint can only mean that people do want her to be unhappy and unloved is quite silly.

 

"Unvarnished truth" is about so much more then "you're fat, loose weight so your husband can be happy". "Unvarnished truth" is about being honest about what both sides need and want in a relationship. Gaining weight in itself isn't necessarily a destructive behavior. Even if it makes men unhappy.

 

Lets not pretend that the men giving advice about asking her to loose weight are doing it out of a deep seeded desires and care for the woman here. THey are doing it because they are thinking about their own personal needs first as a man and what they would want from their partner, more so then they are thinking about the woman in this case. And the advice given by the woman is of a simular nature. They are thinking about their (our) own personal needs first as a woman and what they would want from their partner.

 

Both men and women want to be loved unconditionally. Many men are able to love, and still find their partners sexually attractive even with weight gain or physical change. Some men aren't. There isn't a woman alive that doesn't want to be loved for more then her body. There isn't one woman alive that cares for her man, that would want his sexual attraction to her to dwindled even if her weight changed. Just as there isn't one man alive that cares for his woman, that wouldn't want HER sexual attractoin to dwindle at the same rate his bank acount figures went down.

 

The women get pissed because they seem to think that the love their man feels for them, is dependent on something so monatary as weight. The men get pissed because they seem to think that apparently female weight gain, even though women are naturally more fatty then men to begin with, must mean that she hates his guts and wants to see him die in a firey car crash. Both aren't 100% true but neither are they 100% wrong either. If the OP's husband's love and attraction is dependent only on her body, then I don't think that's a real happy marriage to begin with anyway.

 

Speaking for myself, and I am sure many other women, maintaining my weight is HARD WORK. I am not naturally stick thin. But that's what men like right? What happens when I do put on weight? That makes me less worthy of having my own partner's love and affection? I think what alot of women are reacting to is the fact that the importance men place on looks puts women in a very vunerable and possibly ticking-time-bomb situation. If he can't accept our body, what else can't he accept? What else will he drop the bomb on? Most women don't look like magazine models, even if their husbands and boyfriends wished they did. I'm truely sorry men don't like that and sincerely, if women had the choice? We would choose to be thin and as beautiful as we could be for our men. But that's not reality. Our bodies and looks is sincerely a DAILY battle for most women. And it sucks when our own men in our lives make us feel like he is another one on the firing range pointing the gun to us. That's my take on it at least and I suspect MANY women feel the same. Of coures, I think this will fall on def ears for many here because it's much more important to have a thin girfriend and wife then to REALLY consider the ins and outs on how a woman can feel when faced with dissaprovel for her body by the one man in her life that is suppose to care about her.

Edited November 27, 2009 by Jersey Shortie

[mem11363]

I think it is rare for a woman to say:

After we marry I hope you don't expect me to keep making the effort to stay fit. Because - that is just not going to happen - it is too hard. Once we marry I require unconditional love from you so when I get fat you better conceal your thoughts and your loss of desire.

 

And yet this weight gaining behavior is very, very common. And I feel that it is both lazy and disrespectful. I felt that way when my mother did it to my father. When her friends almost universally did it to their husbands. And in addition to being disrespectful - it is plain foolish. Because if anything happens to husband 1, death, divorce, etc. your dating prospects are much more difficult if you are now obese.

 

I am comfortable talking about this because I DID discuss it with my wife before proposing. That post I made early on in the thread was a real conversation we had long ago. It is exclusive from and separate from all the other things I love about her. It is however a part of the passion and even at 26 I knew I wanted a marriage that was passionate long term.

 

The men don't take partner weight gain as a hostile act. They see it for what it is, a lack of effort / laziness. And for the men that care this makes them feel less loved/less prioritized.

 

JS - instead of using inflammatory rhetoric how about you actually explain why weight gain is a protected class of laziness but all other types of grooming are not. You and others have consistently avoided answering my question comparing hygiene, hair, clothing, etc. to weight gain.

 

As for unconditional love - when women stop having sex with men in a marriage the men feel unloved. And yet when a man posts that his wife has turned off the sex tap he gets an endless stream of advice from the females on this board as to what he is doing wrong. rarely do the females say - oh that is total bullshiat - your wife is not loving you unconditionally. It all becomes advice on how he should try harder to "earn back" her love. And yet reverse the polarity - like in this case - and it is all about how the man should change.

So the man is not getting sex, he needs to change. And if the man is not giving sex, he needs to change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There isn't one person here that doesn't simultaneously both have the OP's best interest at heart AND are giving advice based on their own personal desires. There isn't any one person here who wants the OP to be unhappy and unloved. And to make the assumption that advice given that differs from your own viewpoint can only mean that people do want her to be unhappy and unloved is quite silly.

 

"Unvarnished truth" is about so much more then "you're fat, loose weight so your husband can be happy". "Unvarnished truth" is about being honest about what both sides need and want in a relationship. Gaining weight in itself isn't necessarily a destructive behavior. Even if it makes men unhappy.

 

Lets not pretend that the men giving advice about asking her to loose weight are doing it out of a deep seeded desires and care for the woman here. THey are doing it because they are thinking about their own personal needs first as a man and what they would want from their partner, more so then they are thinking about the woman in this case. And the advice given by the woman is of a simular nature. They are thinking about their (our) own personal needs first as a woman and what they would want from their partner.

 

Both men and women want to be loved unconditionally. Many men are able to love, and still find their partners sexually attractive even with weight gain or physical change. Some men aren't. There isn't a woman alive that doesn't want to be loved for more then her body. There isn't one woman alive that cares for her man, that would want his sexual attraction to her to dwindled even if her weight changed. Just as there isn't one man alive that cares for his woman, that wouldn't want HER sexual attractoin to dwindle at the same rate his bank acount figures went down.

 

The women get pissed because they seem to think that the love their man feels for them, is dependent on something so monatary as weight. The men get pissed because they seem to think that apparently female weight gain, even though women are naturally more fatty then men to begin with, must mean that she hates his guts and wants to see him die in a firey car crash. Both aren't 100% true but neither are they 100% wrong either. If the OP's husband's love and attraction is dependent only on her body, then I don't think that's a real happy marriage to begin with anyway.

 

Speaking for myself, and I am sure many other women, maintaining my weight is HARD WORK. I am not naturally stick thin. But that's what men like right? What happens when I do put on weight? That makes me less worthy of having my own partner's love and affection? I think what alot of women are reacting to is the fact that the importance men place on looks puts women in a very vunerable and possibly ticking-time-bomb situation. If he can't accept our body, what else can't he accept? What else will he drop the bomb on? Most women don't look like magazine models, even if their husbands and boyfriends wished they did. I'm truely sorry men don't like that and sincerely, if women had the choice? We would choose to be thin and as beautiful as we could be for our men. But that's not reality. Our bodies and looks is sincerely a DAILY battle for most women. And it sucks when our own men in our lives make us feel like he is another one on the firing range pointing the gun to us. That's my take on it at least and I suspect MANY women feel the same. Of coures, I think this will fall on def ears for many here because it's much more important to have a thin girfriend and wife then to REALLY consider the ins and outs on how a woman can feel when faced with dissaprovel for her body by the one man in her life that is suppose to care about her.

Edited November 27, 2009 by mem11363

[cheergirl]

There isn't one person here that doesn't simultaneously both have the OP's best interest at heart AND are giving advice based on their own personal desires. There isn't any one person here who wants the OP to be unhappy and unloved. And to make the assumption that advice given that differs from your own viewpoint can only mean that people do want her to be unhappy and unloved is quite silly.

 

 

Is it? I see an awful lot of projection here...

 

"Unvarnished truth" is about so much more then "you're fat, lo(o)se weight so your husband can be happy". "Unvarnished truth" is about being honest about what both sides need and want in a relationship. Gaining weight in itself isn't necessarily a destructive behavior. Even if it makes men unhappy.

Gaining weight IS most certainly destructive if it makes your spouse unhappy...(I mean, are we on the same planet here or have I entered an alternative universe???)

Lets not pretend that the men giving advice about asking her to loose weight are doing it out of a deep seeded desires and care for the woman here. THey are doing it because they are thinking about their own personal needs first as a man and what they would want from their partner, more so then they are thinking about the woman in this case. And the advice given by the woman is of a simular nature. They are thinking about their (our) own personal needs first as a woman and what they would want from their partner.

 

What about the very many WOMEN??? giving the same exact advice??? You sound like you have some very deep-seated "issues" with men; perhaps you are not the best person to give advice to a woman who wants to lose weight and loves her husband and wants to stay married...ie. projection...

 

 

 

Both men and women want to be loved unconditionally. (But who is? In reality?) Many men are able to love, and still find their partners sexually attractive even with weight gain or physical change. Some men aren't. There isn't a woman alive that doesn't want to be loved for more then her body. There isn't one woman alive that cares for her man, that would want his sexual attraction to her to dwindled even if her weight changed. (Yeah, I wouldn't want it, but I would expect it...I am a realist...)Just as there isn't one man alive that cares for his woman, that wouldn't want HER sexual attractoin to dwindle at the same rate his bank acount figures went down.

The women get pissed because they seem to think that the love their man feels for them, is dependent on something so monatary as weight. The men get pissed because they seem to think that apparently female weight gain, even though women are naturally more fatty then men to begin with, must mean that she hates his guts and wants to see him die in a firey car crash. Both aren't 100% true but neither are they 100% wrong either. If the OP's husband's love and attraction is dependent only on her body, then I don't think that's a real happy marriage to begin with anyway.

This is just getting strange.....

[cheergirl]

That's a really nasty post... 'poisonous' 'wicked man blamers'.. Just accept that people see this differently and were just offering their opinion. It's just alien for some of us to see that some peoples desire is based on waist line.. We have good intentions too.

 

Some of you do, others, well, I see A LOT of projection...

 

Mine is a nasty post? Interesting.....

 

I would be more incined to class these as nasty (also poisonous and wicked man- blamers; male and female):

 

I'm glad I didn't marry a man like this. I've gained at least 40 pounds since I've been married and my husband still finds me sexy. He loves me, not a number on a scale. Any fool can have a trophy wife, but a real man wants a trophy marriage. This guy should be ashamed of himself.

If all of a sudden you drop the weight and your husband wants to ride you around like a pony, was it because of you or your body? If it's the latter, your better off dumping this jerk and finding a guy who is worth a damn. Third, stop kicking yourself. Your not the problem,, your husband is. You gained weight? So what! He seems to be the one with the issue. If he doesn't want to have sex with youI BETCHA there are many men who would!

It seems to me that he would rather be with the "thin you" than "you" if he'd rather pull his taffy than get down with you. Seems a little dumb to me.

 

Do you think its possible, there is someone else or maybe he is into something else and that's where part of his lack of interest comes from? Yes, I do believe its possible he might not be a sexual person period like he told you about his first marriage. BUT him not even complimenting on you when you do try to look nice, speaks volumes. I think there is another issue going on here and its not ALL just about you gaining weight.

For him to treat you any other way than with the respect and adoration you deserve as his wife because of a few pounds is cruel imo.

 

That's why I said too, its possible he is just not a very sexual person like you had mentioned.

. I think the way he is treating you right now in his lack of support says more about him than it does you.

 

Her husband, even though he has the right the feel the way she does, only prompts her to eat more and go further into her depression. That's why it's important that she do this to make herself feel better, not her husband. If she tries to do it for him and doesn't get the support she is looking for she will only resort to eating for comfort again.. I know a woman who was in a similar situation as Frustrated. Her husband rejected her and put pressure on her to lose weight. She only got fatter and more resentful. They broke up and she lost over 50 pounds the year they divorced. Her husband was holding her back. She couldn't lose weight in that environment because he wasn't giving her the type of support she needed.

 

just divorce him and find someone who loves you for who you are, not just for your looks...

 

 

well, a divorce is better than a life of misery, if you ask me... I'm not for divorcing at all, but this is not a way to behave for an husband.

 

 

well, a divorce is better than a life of misery, if you ask me...I'm not for divorcing at all, but this is not a way to behave for an husband. Ok, she got larger, so what? My wife was a lot slimmer when we married, but I would never dream to turn her down just because of that... together - with no rejections - they can work it out... but it has to be a joint effort...

I couldn't agree with you more.

 

 

If you think the issue is simply her weight, then you don't get it. She could lose the weight and he still might not want to have sex with her. This issue is bigger than her weight loss.

 

 

I agree with this. I said early on, I think its not just about her weight but there is a bigger underlying issue here that might be going on.

? Or maybe that he goes back to his stand by answer that he isn't a real sexual person?

 

 

It's one thing to not get a hard on because of a few pounds, but it's another to treat a person with contempt.

 

FO doesn't feel loved. Her H isn't showing her love by refusing to have sex with her and acting repulsed by her frame. That much can be deduced by what is written by her.

 

He has a problem with being shallow and not loving his wife for the person she is instead of the package she comes in. He has a problem showing his wife love and meeting her sexual needs when she has gained weight. That is a problem that I feels need be addressed.

 

 

although I don't approve of it, looks like losing the weight is the only way to break this stalemate. It's the only way to find out. I have one worry, though: that you will lose the respect for your man for forcing you - instead of understanding and helping you - to do something so difficult for you to regain an aspect of your relationship which should be granted and natural, regardless of your body shape..

 

 

The bad thing about this isn't that *he* looses out. He doesn't matter much here. It's you that matters here and you need to do what you can to get yourself in a better place. That's your top priority. YOU. Not your marriage. Not your husband. Not what he wants. Not that men are visual. Not that men need women with hot perfect bodies..None of that matters at this time. Now I know alot of guys here are going to get angry at that but that is the TRUTH. Because if you aren't happy with you for you, then nothing else matters.

YOU are what matters here. NOT your husband. Not what he needs or wants you to be. After you take care of yourself, then you can decide if you can fix the hurt your husband has caused you. Of if you want to move on to a man that will support you more sincerely.

 

 

So he's allowed to have bad habits such as smoking cigars and drinking but he wants you to be "fit"??????????? Are you kidding me. I am not trying to rain on your parade but this is so wrong. He doesn't care about being fit, he just cares about you being thin. That's not the way a husband should love a wife. At least one that truly loves you for you.

 

 

really am sorry but I really hope you are loosing the weight for you, and not for your husband's ransom of his affection for you. I am actually pretty disgusted that his time, love and affection are dependent on you working out.

 

 

Yeah that's great. But your husband isn't happy for you when you indulge your vice. Really, that's your choice and I am not going to argue the way you want to live your life. But I do think your husband has standards that he expects you to live up to that he doesn't expect himself to.

 

 

From what I am gathering from your posts your husband doesn't seem to be a "sexual person". The above statement from you raises so many red flags IMO. I think the weight issue is a cover up for what is really going on in his head. I think that him focusing on your weight deflects the real reason he is not having sex with you.

My first thought is that he is gay and in the closet. This happens way more often than alot of women think. I know that you said that

you had sex often early in the marriage. Many times thats a coverup. Why did his first wife say he wasn't sexual? She was not overweight.

My second thought is he having an affair? He isn't going to admit either if you confront him. I'll be honest with you I would be tempted to

have a keylogger installed on his computer to at least rule outthe gay and affair questions. But that is just me

I hate seeing your husband treat you like this, deflecting his own sexual problems and making them your fault. Yeah, yeah, men are visual

sexual beings but a loving husband would not be turning down sexlike this unless there was an underlying cause, Overweight or not overweight take care of yourself before you do anything. Do not let him have power over you and ruin your self esteem. Get ICand find out why you are allowing him to treat you like this!

 

 

You see... I don't like "stick women", but if my wife turned into one of them I would not stop having sex with her... I would and I would also help her if there was a problem behind it... this is what marriage is all about, not childish behaviour...

 

 

So the question is is it porn, another woman or another man?

 

 

I think your husband has issues, and unfortunately you are in a difficult spot. Because if I were you, and I lost all the weight that I needed to in order to get my H to desire me again, I would be PISSED OFF... plain and simple. I would resent him, and it certainly wouldn't help my marriage. I would resent him for this "conditional" acceptance of you. He doesn't love you the way a husband should love you.

In my opinion, this isn't a weight issue. But if it IS a weight issue, then that says a lot about the man you married.

 

 

Did you ever stop to think he might be or could be telling you a lie? I'm not saying HE IS, I'm saying do you think he COULD be lying and that there is something esle going on he isn't coming clean about?? And yes, its possible its just your weight only, and that he has an issue with it and always will, unless you always continue to meet a certain weight standard for him.

 

 

He is calling all the shots and he is full of **** saying that it's all about the weight. If you don't think that the above is demeaning and sad than I won't argue with you. I don't think you will ever be good enough for him. I would loose the weight and then leave his sorry ass. Pity sex is worse

than no sex IMO. I'd be on that treadmill and using a vibrator.

 

 

I don't know, it seems kind of like a control thing to me.

 

"I shall control you by with holding my love and affection and sex from you. I'll reward you by giving myself to you, but only after you lose weight, and I hope to get back the thinner person I once married."

 

On the contrary, he has given her an ultimatum. No sex unless you lose weight. I personally couldn't live with someone that tried to manipulate me into losing weight. It reeks of selfishness.

 

FO sounds like a educated,( I think she said she had her Masters) articulate woman who could be so much more than a piece of meat to many other partners. Granted keeping fit and taking care of yourself is important,but not at the cost of losing yourself in the relationship. Having to worry daily whether or not my partner is attracted to me is no way to live IMO.

 

As an outsider I see his behavior as manipulative and cruel.He knows his behavior is wrong by offering her pity sex. FO, you know what you have ahead of you. You know what you need to do to make this man happy. Ask yourself this. Is this something you can live with on a daily basis? What happens when you get old and then his focus turns to your face? These are questions only you can answer. To me it would be like living in a priso n. I am sad for you wasting your energy and mind on this.

PS. I still think checking all cell phone and credit card statements is a good idea. Him having an affair or watching porn is sounding more and more likely.

 

 

just wait and see how he reacts after you have children... if you manage to have any sex to actually have them...

 

he likes her body, not her soul...

 

 

people who withhold sex from the spouse because of weight gain are, in my opinion, incredibly shallow and should not be in a relationship

maybe he finally got it that he's been a right prick about this...

 

 

He's been a real big prick.

 

I still wouldn't rule out a affair or porn.

 

 

I feel sorry for people who can not look past the exterior of the person they claim to love and treat them with the affection they deserve.

 

 

That would be me and I agree I was harsh but we still don't know whether he has been truthful about everything. I guess time will tell. I still

think that the way she has been treated by her husband was cruel and controlling and I hope he knows he has a woman who is devoted to him.

I am glad FO is happy and I wish her well with her weight loss and increased fitness. Wouldn't it be ironic if once she got in shape she

became resentful of the way she had been treated by her husband? I wonder if he thinks about that? I doubt it.

 

However, her man's love is clearly not unconditional. His love and affection is based on her waist line. That blows because that's clearly what he cares about.

 

you husband has been publicly accused of being:

 

1. a fool
   
2. a jerk
   
3. dumb
   
4. gay
   
5. closet case
   
6. porn addict 3xs
   
7. unsupportive
   
8. childish
   
9. blamed for your weight gain
   
10. not loving you
    
11. unloving
    
12. not caring about you
    
13. asexual
    
14. 4 suggestions of divorce
    
15. a liar
    
16. controlling
    
17. manipulative
    
18. treating you like a piece of meat
    
19. a prick
    
20. cruel
    
21. calling all the shots....
    

I could go on...to FO: How can you let folks run him down like this?

 

I really hope your husband never sees this... It would break his heart...

[mem11363]

Thanks for the composite. Regarding peoples motives, and I am starting to realize that sometimes I am guilty of this myself :( I really believe this post is an example of conflicting objectives. Many posters tend to have 2 emotional reactions with this type of post. The first is a genuine desire to help the poster, the second is an angry desire to "punish" the OP's partner for bad behavior. I believe Cheergirl simply showed that in this thread the desire to punish the husband is greater then the wish to help the OP. Or at least many people appear to be behaving that way.

 

As for Jersey Shortie, she seems to bash men a lot and is very sensitive regarding male visual preferences. This is unfortunate as she often makes interesting points...

 

Some of you do, others, well, I see A LOT of projection...

 

Mine is a nasty post? Interesting.....

 

I would be more incined to class these as nasty (also poisonous and wicked man- blamers; male and female):

 

I'm glad I didn't marry a man like this. I've gained at least 40 pounds since I've been married and my husband still finds me sexy. He loves me, not a number on a scale. Any fool can have a trophy wife, but a real man wants a trophy marriage. This guy should be ashamed of himself.

If all of a sudden you drop the weight and your husband wants to ride you around like a pony, was it because of you or your body? If it's the latter, your better off dumping this jerk and finding a guy who is worth a damn. Third, stop kicking yourself. Your not the problem,, your husband is. You gained weight? So what! He seems to be the one with the issue. If he doesn't want to have sex with youI BETCHA there are many men who would!

It seems to me that he would rather be with the "thin you" than "you" if he'd rather pull his taffy than get down with you. Seems a little dumb to me.

 

Do you think its possible, there is someone else or maybe he is into something else and that's where part of his lack of interest comes from? Yes, I do believe its possible he might not be a sexual person period like he told you about his first marriage. BUT him not even complimenting on you when you do try to look nice, speaks volumes. I think there is another issue going on here and its not ALL just about you gaining weight.

For him to treat you any other way than with the respect and adoration you deserve as his wife because of a few pounds is cruel imo.

 

That's why I said too, its possible he is just not a very sexual person like you had mentioned.

. I think the way he is treating you right now in his lack of support says more about him than it does you.

 

Her husband, even though he has the right the feel the way she does, only prompts her to eat more and go further into her depression. That's why it's important that she do this to make herself feel better, not her husband. If she tries to do it for him and doesn't get the support she is looking for she will only resort to eating for comfort again.. I know a woman who was in a similar situation as Frustrated. Her husband rejected her and put pressure on her to lose weight. She only got fatter and more resentful. They broke up and she lost over 50 pounds the year they divorced. Her husband was holding her back. She couldn't lose weight in that environment because he wasn't giving her the type of support she needed.

 

just divorce him and find someone who loves you for who you are, not just for your looks...

 

 

well, a divorce is better than a life of misery, if you ask me... I'm not for divorcing at all, but this is not a way to behave for an husband.

 

 

well, a divorce is better than a life of misery, if you ask me...I'm not for divorcing at all, but this is not a way to behave for an husband. Ok, she got larger, so what? My wife was a lot slimmer when we married, but I would never dream to turn her down just because of that... together - with no rejections - they can work it out... but it has to be a joint effort...

I couldn't agree with you more.

 

 

If you think the issue is simply her weight, then you don't get it. She could lose the weight and he still might not want to have sex with her. This issue is bigger than her weight loss.

 

 

I agree with this. I said early on, I think its not just about her weight but there is a bigger underlying issue here that might be going on.

? Or maybe that he goes back to his stand by answer that he isn't a real sexual person?

 

 

It's one thing to not get a hard on because of a few pounds, but it's another to treat a person with contempt.

 

FO doesn't feel loved. Her H isn't showing her love by refusing to have sex with her and acting repulsed by her frame. That much can be deduced by what is written by her.

 

He has a problem with being shallow and not loving his wife for the person she is instead of the package she comes in. He has a problem showing his wife love and meeting her sexual needs when she has gained weight. That is a problem that I feels need be addressed.

 

 

although I don't approve of it, looks like losing the weight is the only way to break this stalemate. It's the only way to find out. I have one worry, though: that you will lose the respect for your man for forcing you - instead of understanding and helping you - to do something so difficult for you to regain an aspect of your relationship which should be granted and natural, regardless of your body shape..

 

 

The bad thing about this isn't that *he* looses out. He doesn't matter much here. It's you that matters here and you need to do what you can to get yourself in a better place. That's your top priority. YOU. Not your marriage. Not your husband. Not what he wants. Not that men are visual. Not that men need women with hot perfect bodies..None of that matters at this time. Now I know alot of guys here are going to get angry at that but that is the TRUTH. Because if you aren't happy with you for you, then nothing else matters.

YOU are what matters here. NOT your husband. Not what he needs or wants you to be. After you take care of yourself, then you can decide if you can fix the hurt your husband has caused you. Of if you want to move on to a man that will support you more sincerely.

 

 

So he's allowed to have bad habits such as smoking cigars and drinking but he wants you to be "fit"??????????? Are you kidding me. I am not trying to rain on your parade but this is so wrong. He doesn't care about being fit, he just cares about you being thin. That's not the way a husband should love a wife. At least one that truly loves you for you.

 

 

really am sorry but I really hope you are loosing the weight for you, and not for your husband's ransom of his affection for you. I am actually pretty disgusted that his time, love and affection are dependent on you working out.

 

 

Yeah that's great. But your husband isn't happy for you when you indulge your vice. Really, that's your choice and I am not going to argue the way you want to live your life. But I do think your husband has standards that he expects you to live up to that he doesn't expect himself to.

 

 

From what I am gathering from your posts your husband doesn't seem to be a "sexual person". The above statement from you raises so many red flags IMO. I think the weight issue is a cover up for what is really going on in his head. I think that him focusing on your weight deflects the real reason he is not having sex with you.

My first thought is that he is gay and in the closet. This happens way more often than alot of women think. I know that you said that

you had sex often early in the marriage. Many times thats a coverup. Why did his first wife say he wasn't sexual? She was not overweight.

My second thought is he having an affair? He isn't going to admit either if you confront him. I'll be honest with you I would be tempted to

have a keylogger installed on his computer to at least rule outthe gay and affair questions. But that is just me

I hate seeing your husband treat you like this, deflecting his own sexual problems and making them your fault. Yeah, yeah, men are visual

sexual beings but a loving husband would not be turning down sexlike this unless there was an underlying cause, Overweight or not overweight take care of yourself before you do anything. Do not let him have power over you and ruin your self esteem. Get ICand find out why you are allowing him to treat you like this!

 

 

You see... I don't like "stick women", but if my wife turned into one of them I would not stop having sex with her... I would and I would also help her if there was a problem behind it... this is what marriage is all about, not childish behaviour...

 

 

So the question is is it porn, another woman or another man?

 

 

I think your husband has issues, and unfortunately you are in a difficult spot. Because if I were you, and I lost all the weight that I needed to in order to get my H to desire me again, I would be PISSED OFF... plain and simple. I would resent him, and it certainly wouldn't help my marriage. I would resent him for this "conditional" acceptance of you. He doesn't love you the way a husband should love you.

In my opinion, this isn't a weight issue. But if it IS a weight issue, then that says a lot about the man you married.

 

 

Did you ever stop to think he might be or could be telling you a lie? I'm not saying HE IS, I'm saying do you think he COULD be lying and that there is something esle going on he isn't coming clean about?? And yes, its possible its just your weight only, and that he has an issue with it and always will, unless you always continue to meet a certain weight standard for him.

 

 

He is calling all the shots and he is full of **** saying that it's all about the weight. If you don't think that the above is demeaning and sad than I won't argue with you. I don't think you will ever be good enough for him. I would loose the weight and then leave his sorry ass. Pity sex is worse

than no sex IMO. I'd be on that treadmill and using a vibrator.

 

 

I don't know, it seems kind of like a control thing to me.

 

"I shall control you by with holding my love and affection and sex from you. I'll reward you by giving myself to you, but only after you lose weight, and I hope to get back the thinner person I once married."

 

On the contrary, he has given her an ultimatum. No sex unless you lose weight. I personally couldn't live with someone that tried to manipulate me into losing weight. It reeks of selfishness.

 

FO sounds like a educated,( I think she said she had her Masters) articulate woman who could be so much more than a piece of meat to many other partners. Granted keeping fit and taking care of yourself is important,but not at the cost of losing yourself in the relationship. Having to worry daily whether or not my partner is attracted to me is no way to live IMO.

 

As an outsider I see his behavior as manipulative and cruel.He knows his behavior is wrong by offering her pity sex. FO, you know what you have ahead of you. You know what you need to do to make this man happy. Ask yourself this. Is this something you can live with on a daily basis? What happens when you get old and then his focus turns to your face? These are questions only you can answer. To me it would be like living in a priso n. I am sad for you wasting your energy and mind on this.

PS. I still think checking all cell phone and credit card statements is a good idea. Him having an affair or watching porn is sounding more and more likely.

 

 

just wait and see how he reacts after you have children... if you manage to have any sex to actually have them...

 

he likes her body, not her soul...

 

 

people who withhold sex from the spouse because of weight gain are, in my opinion, incredibly shallow and should not be in a relationship

maybe he finally got it that he's been a right prick about this...

 

 

He's been a real big prick.

 

I still wouldn't rule out a affair or porn.

 

 

I feel sorry for people who can not look past the exterior of the person they claim to love and treat them with the affection they deserve.

 

 

That would be me and I agree I was harsh but we still don't know whether he has been truthful about everything. I guess time will tell. I still

think that the way she has been treated by her husband was cruel and controlling and I hope he knows he has a woman who is devoted to him.

I am glad FO is happy and I wish her well with her weight loss and increased fitness. Wouldn't it be ironic if once she got in shape she

became resentful of the way she had been treated by her husband? I wonder if he thinks about that? I doubt it.

 

However, her man's love is clearly not unconditional. His love and affection is based on her waist line. That blows because that's clearly what he cares about.

 

you husband has been publicly accused of being:

 

1. a fool
   
2. a jerk
   
3. dumb
   
4. gay
   
5. closet case
   
6. porn addict 3xs
   
7. unsupportive
   
8. childish
   
9. blamed for your weight gain
   
10. not loving you
    
11. unloving
    
12. not caring about you
    
13. asexual
    
14. 4 suggestions of divorce
    
15. a liar
    
16. controlling
    
17. manipulative
    
18. treating you like a piece of meat
    
19. a prick
    
20. cruel
    
21. calling all the shots....
    

I could go on...to FO: How can you let folks run him down like this?

 

I really hope your husband never sees this... It would break his heart...

[cheergirl]

What. Nobody is going to comment on this one? This needs to be framed. How can you refute any of this?

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

[soserious1]

In a way FO is really lucky, she can fix her sexless marriage problem by losing weight. I'd have gladly dieted myself into a size zero if it would have resulted in my husband looking at me lustfully.

 

Unfortunately I committed that other sin that women are prone to.. I got old and was then no longer visually attractive enough to arouse him enough to have sex with me.

 

Count your blessings FO, you have the power to fix your problem.

[Scrivdog]

Contrats, FO. I mean it. The effort you're making now - THAT is a stong signal that you love your husband and that you care. Besides looking hot again, you're going to have one very grateful husband.

 

Also I'm sure glad you didn't listen to all the schreechy naysayers on this board.

[giotto]

In a way FO is really lucky, she can fix her sexless marriage problem by losing weight. I'd have gladly dieted myself into a size zero if it would have resulted in my husband looking at me lustfully.

 

Unfortunately I committed that other sin that women are prone to.. I got old and was then no longer visually attractive enough to arouse him enough to have sex with me.

 

Count your blessings FO, you have the power to fix your problem.

 

Until she gets wrinkly...

[giotto]

sorry, double post...

[tommyr]

Until she gets wrinkly...

 

Why would you say that? Speaking for myself that is a completely different issue.

 

Wrinkles result from the normal aging process and is beyond human control.

 

Weight gain results from eating excess calories which is entirely within an individual's control.

[JackJack]

FO, obviously what you're doing must be working. It's good you're exercising, losing weight etc. Keep up the good work.

 

Also, its good to know that you have not gotten as out of the frame as some on here, because they are just opinions, that's how a forum usually works.

[giotto]

Why would you say that? Speaking for myself that is a completely different issue.

 

Wrinkles result from the normal aging process and is beyond human control.

 

Weight gain results from eating excess calories which is entirely within an individual's control.

 

We were talking about H being a very visual man, someone who obviously puts a lot of emphasis on looks... sure, wrinkles are natural, but if looks were a high priority for my man, I would be worried...

[mem11363]

Giotto,

On this thread you have truly disappointed. This is the US - and FO's mate is fit and makes a very good income. If his visual concerns included an aversion to the side effects of normal aging he simply would have married a much younger woman. He could easily have done that. He would rather be with an equal in the true sense of the word. So he married FO. IMO he got the best of both worlds as she sure doesn't look her age.

 

I won't speak for him - but will for myself and TDP who shares my strong aversion to a plus sized wife. We have no issue - read zero - with the normal aging process and our wives are further along then FO is. My wife is now 47, and somehow I came packaged to see the aging without in any way being bothered by it. I don't have a fascination with young women - when I think of being romantic/sexual I just think of my wife. I believe TDP is the same.

 

So despite your desire to somehow paint us svelte lovers as morally bankrupt, and utterly shallow in every way, we aren't. We simply have a strong built in aversion to fat....

 

 

 

We were talking about H being a very visual man, someone who obviously puts a lot of emphasis on looks... sure, wrinkles are natural, but if looks were a high priority for my man, I would be worried...