My son lied about eating his lunch

[tinktronik]

not to get into semantics but if he ate any of his lunch. He wouldn't be lieing to you by answering yes. Is he throwing away his whole lunch? or just part of it.,

 

Because if he is throwing away just part of it he is truthfully answering your question.

Bingo, this was the point I was trying to get to as well.

[65tr6]

Also, don't mention who told you about it. Let him believe you have "parental magic". It will help keep him honest.

 

....I was going to but now I may not. thanks. I start saying "I found out....." ? (and leave the name out ?)

 

you guys and gals are amazing. One day, I will share this thread with my dear son...

[Trialbyfire]

....I was going to but now I may not. thanks. I start saying "I found out....." ? (and leave the name out ?)

 

you guys and gals are amazing. One day, I will share this thread with my dear son...

Maybe something like "Son, do you not like what we pack for your lunch? If not or if it's too much, we can change it, since what's in it, isn't cast in stone. This way, all or part of it doesn't get thrown out."

 

This gives him a safe harbour opening, to agree or disagree. If he upholds the lie, then you're going to have to address it a little more firmly. But backing anyone into a corner, rarely works.

[Fifi LeFleur]

I remember being 6 once. Every day at lunch, I threw out my apple. It didn't matter if it was rainy or sunny out, if it was a Monday or a Friday, come Hell or High water, my mother felt the need to pack me an apple. Maybe she thought if she didn't put an apple in my lunch that she wasn't a good mother. Who knows, who cares. The truth is, I never ate my apple. I threw it away. Was it a reflection on my mother? Was it a reflection upon me? No. I just didn't like apples. To this day I've never told my mother that I didn't eat the apples. I think it would make her sad. She would have to re-analyze my whole upbringing. Oh where, oh where did I go wrong she would think. What 6 year old wouldn't rather eat the ding dong his mother so lovingly included in his lunch than his crusty ol' crust on the bread sandwich? Your son isn't telling you that he isn't eating his sandwich because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. OR maybe he's just afraid you won't pack the ding dongs anymore until he starts eating the sandwich. I would continue packing the sandwiches. One day, he'll realize how good they really are! He might be 27 years old by then, but I guarantee you, he's going to grow up strong and healthy regardless of whether or not he eats the sandwich you so lovingly packed for him today.

[whichwayisup]

I'm kind of curious as to why he has been throwing out his lunch. It could be as simple as he doesn't like what you've packed him, or other students have better lunches, or buy their own. Either way, lying about it is wrong and throwing away good food is also a waste of money. Also, could benefit him to know that not all kids are able to eat lunches, due to their home life, so he should feel blessed it's provided for him.

 

Tell him you love him and even though at times you may feel disappointed in him, that it's best for him always to tell you truth, that he can trust you, no matter what.

 

I wish I had that trust/faith in my parents growing up, but I never felt I could open up and talk to them without getting in sh*t about whatever.

[Nikki Sahagin]

65, when I was a kid, I ALWAYS did this. I'm sure if I did it now i'd be labelled as having anorexia or something.

 

I can't speak for your son but my reasons were:

1) not liking the food but not wanting to tell my mum because it would offend her (very fussy eater)

and

2) anxiety about school that made me lose my appetite

 

A third reason was being forced by a lunch lady to eat my lunch when I didn't like it...and that really put me off.

 

I'd say its nothing to worry about.

 

Why not ask if he wants to make his own lunch with you? Does he eat breakfast and dinner? He is probably worried about something...

[JamesM]

I would also add that I now give an extra snack in the bigger kids lunches because sometimes they are extra hungry. And if they are not, then they can bring it home. Sometimes they appreciate the extra snack afyer school as they wait for the bus.

 

I am curious...WHY did you begin asking him if he ate his lunch?

 

I only asked because they brought something home. But it sounds like your boy never brought any food home. So why did you ask?

[Peaceful Guy]

i think i can shed some light on this (hopefully!). at least, ive dealt with this before and managed to get a positive outcome. i think that him eating his lunch IS very important. i also think that he should know that lying's not okay. if you bought him an expensive video game to play with, then losing privileges to play it seems reasonable as a repercussion for not being honest with you.

 

last year i was working at an elementary school as an instructional assistant. one of the children in my class was out of shape, and very stubbon. when it came time to buy lunch he would get 1)packaged PBJ (sugar), 2)chocolate milk (more sugar), and 3) an ice cream (yup..).. after lunch he would be bouncing off the walls, buzzing and whirling in his chair.. a couple hours later, he was zonked out!

 

this made teaching him very difficult and was having an adverse effect on his physical health. i spoke with his parents about this and through the course of the year we got him to make healthy lunch choices, and eat in the appropriate order.. that's where this ties into your story, i think..

 

what else do pack for lunch other than the sandwich? does he go strait to the fruit juice, eat a small bag of pretzels, and then munch a couple cookies? if that's the case, his system would get the sugar it wanted, and then say, im done!

 

you could ask the teacher or assistant to watch to see his behavior patterns and then work with them to have a system in place. for instance, the student in my class hated veggies, so he could get the ice cream, but couldn't eat it till he had tried at least a couple carrots. he even had trouble eating solid foods at first, he was so used to sugary goo.. so i learned what lunches at the school i could get him into. spaghetti was his favorite and i knew i could count on him to eat it.. so on spaghetti day, he could get chocolate milk, and then, like i said before, if he ate a couple carrots he could have a cookie after!

 

it was actually kind of fun and the parents really appreciated the effort i put in. now, we had a very small class, and you can't expect the teachers in a general ed setting to be able to put that much focus on just your kid, they're super busy during lunch time. but hopefully some of the ideas could be adapted to work for you.

 

for instance, get a school lunch menu, sit down with him, and go over the foods he might like to get from the cafeteria. switch up the type of sandwich he gets and shoot for low sugar foods to go with it. lunch doesn't have to be a battle, but it is important, and you can definitely work out a situation that will make everybody happy.

 

it was cool to see how proud my student was of himself when he would make good lunch choices and eat healthy.. and even though he fought me at first, he knew deep down i had his best interest at heart.

 

if healthy eating is not a reward on its own, you could implement a reward system for finishing his sandwiches.. for instance, instead of losing nintendo, he could be earning time on it.

 

even if this isn't the issue, im sure some of the stuff i said could help, and i was happy to have an opportunity to share my story. it was tricky at first but is definitely a happy memory! lots of luck!

[Peaceful Guy]

i wanted to add, that student wasn't the only one that had issues with eating properly.. his situation just had the most positive ideas result from it. i also had a student who would throw away his sandwich.. but his parents weren't as flexable (or fun!), so all we could really do with that was hold onto the dessert and chips until the sandwich was at least half gone.. hope this helps!

[65tr6]

I am curious...WHY did you begin asking him if he ate his lunch?

 

 

like Nikki says above, my son is a very very picky eater. It has improved a LOT in the last two months. I feel good (so does his mommy) knowing that he ate all the lunch we packed for him. Call it our obsession in making sure he turns into a round kid ! (ok, the truth is he is underweight for his age).

 

Also, this is the first school year we packed his lunch.

[65tr6]

First of all. thanks to all who responded. I could not comment on each and every one but rest assured your feedback meant a lot to me.

 

I wanted to follow up and post an update...

 

I was home early and in walks my son along with his mom. I noticed his eye glasses were missing. He said he had misplaced them at school. I was furious. This was like the second pair in two weeks and he knew I was going to be mad. I had to calm myself down first.

 

After 10 minutes while I was helping him with his bath, I asked him....

 

Me : Son, did you eat your sandwich (not lunch!) ?

My DS : Yes, i did

Me : <pausing and listening>

My DS : I threw away the sandwich the other day

Me : (totally elated by his admission but I was very calm) you mean in the trash can ?

My DS : yes, the whole lunch

Me: why ?

My DS : Because I didn't like it

Me: How long have you been doing this ?

My DS : Just that one time

Me : why did you not tell me ?

My DS : Because i thought you will be mad

Me : It is ok not to eat lunch. Did you not like it ?

My DS : Yes, i didn't like too much meat on it

My DS : <continues> how about you pack only half the meat next time ?

Me : Sure, help us how/what you want and we will pack it that way

Me : But it is not ok to throw the lunch in the trash, if you dont like it, bring it back home

My DS : Is it because you are wasting money when you do that ?

Me : yes, and also we take the time to pack your lunch

My DS : ok, daddy

 

The nice thing about this was that the whole conversation seemed so natural and flowing. I want to say he didnt feel threatened at all (i know big assumption on my part).

 

And situation diffused itself in less than 3 minutes! I ended up playing Wii with him (he loves it so do i).

 

Wait, the story is not over yet !

 

I found out later that the teacher already told my son that he told me. Threw a monkey wrench into my plans but that is ok.

 

 

 

Conclusion : We were all glad that is out in the open. I knew "lie" is a big word to describe what my son did. I didn't mean for it to come out that way at all. Probably my recent experience made me supersensitive....but at the same time helped me handle it with care. Some folks who are wondering..yes there was no punishment. If anything, he got 5 extra minutes of Wii. (not a reward per se).

 

 

This morning I dropped my son off at the school and guess what ? They found his missing glasses ! My son, needless to say, was thrilled. (more than I was).

[Brightmoon]

I don't get it... you don't seem to be worried as to your boy going hungry or weather he has ate or not.. you only care that he had lied. He probably lied to save your feelings.

 

Kids that age are incredibly funny about eating.

You need to find out if any anxieties are stoping him eating at school...not focus on his lie. Surely you need to ask what made him lie... not just THAT he lied..

 

Your child does not need that pep talk from you, but love and understanding.. and maybe a better packed lunch...

Edited October 30, 2009 by Brightmoon

[quankanne]

My DS : ok, daddy

 

and there you go, papa ... he just needed to figure out a way to tell you without (1) getting you upset and (2) getting into trouble.

 

it's a fine line with kids, but I think the more comfortable they feel knowing they can tell you things without you getting upset/reacting negatively/hollering, the more they'll share. At least this is what I've seen with my nieces and nephews that I helped care for ...

[Ariadne]

Aww...

 

That dialogue was wonderful.

 

Good that you got to talk to him and no punishments were issued.

 

And glad you found the glasses!

[Ariadne]

Btw,

 

My son at about 6 years old started having problems with the meat (guilt trips).

 

Then at age 7 he became a vegetarian.

 

Maybe your son is having issues with meat.

[threebyfate]

Nicely done 65! No stress or pressure, situation de-escalated with resolution!

[Pavel_B]

I remember being 6 once. Every day at lunch, I threw out my apple. It didn't matter if it was rainy or sunny out, if it was a Monday or a Friday, come Hell or High water, my mother felt the need to pack me an apple. Maybe she thought if she didn't put an apple in my lunch that she wasn't a good mother. Who knows, who cares. The truth is, I never ate my apple. I threw it away. Was it a reflection on my mother? Was it a reflection upon me? No. I just didn't like apples. To this day I've never told my mother that I didn't eat the apples. I think it would make her sad. She would have to re-analyze my whole upbringing. Oh where, oh where did I go wrong she would think. What 6 year old wouldn't rather eat the ding dong his mother so lovingly included in his lunch than his crusty ol' crust on the bread sandwich? Your son isn't telling you that he isn't eating his sandwich because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. OR maybe he's just afraid you won't pack the ding dongs anymore until he starts eating the sandwich. I would continue packing the sandwiches. One day, he'll realize how good they really are! He might be 27 years old by then, but I guarantee you, he's going to grow up strong and healthy regardless of whether or not he eats the sandwich you so lovingly packed for him today.

 

 

I'll tell you... my kids BETTER be eatin' that apple and those collard greens I pack everyday. Or trading for Twinkies. What about all those STARVIN MARVINS in AFRICA!!!!??! Don't throw it out.

[justforfun]

 

He is a great kid. We talked to him in the past that lying is wrong. He knows.

 

Here is my take.....I kneel down in front of him, maintain eye contact and then say....

 

"<my son's name>, I found out from <the person who told me about this> that you lied to me about your eating your lunch. Instead you threw it in the trast. I am very hurt by what you did and that you lied to me. As a consequence, you will not be allowed to play wii or watch TV for the next 3 days".

 

Suggestions for changes/add/delete ?

 

Thanks.

 

Wow! That's just amazing to me. A six year old does not have the cognitive development to really understand that a lie is wrong no matter what you say. And banning him from play for not eating a sandwich! Wow! I can hardly believe that you would do that. Link food and guilt...that's not good in myy book. I'm just so shocked by this post I really can't get my thoughts together.

[Boundary Problem]

Well my son is 6 as well.

 

I think he is at a stage where it is thrilling to tell a lie and see if the other person falls for it. A power game of sorts.

 

He'll lie about anything. brushing teeth, washing hands etc.

 

In fact he lied the other day because I accidentally made him a peanut butter sandwich on the fly and that is a no-no (rules keep changing in our small school). So he kept the secret and ddn't let anyone know that we had contraband in his lunch. He said "Mom - next time no peanut butter, but don't worry, I kept it a secret".

 

They are soooo smart.

 

If my son chooses to starve at lunch that is his choice and I really don't care if he eats his lunch or not, trades it away, puts it in the garbage. All I control is his access to junk food.

 

I do notice that my son finishes his lunch on the way home. Perhaps if you put less in his lunch, he won't be cavalier about turfing the sandwich in the garbage.

 

About the lying thing - I just lead by example. I am scrupulously honest and I'm clear about being honest. If the swimming pool says he has to be 8 to swim by himself, then he has to be 8, for example. He has never seen me ever wiggle the truth - ever.

 

 

Maybe the lying thing is a stage they go through. That is what I'm hoping.

[Person012345]

When I was at school I used to eat my pack lunch on the way home often and say I had at lunch time. I either wasn't hungry at lunch and knew my mum would just get on at me about it, but I also had some issues with self esteem. One of the results is that I hate people looking at me while I'm eating for a start, and I also hate being in crowds of people as in a lunch hall. Which didn't help. So I would usually just go hungry at lunch and eat on the way home. I agree getting to why he's throwing it away might be more important as there might be other things there.

[dimeified]

I used to dump the lunch all the time in favor of the hot luches at school. Lets think about this, Whole weat bread with turkey slices and american cheese and mayo, the bread so thin your fingers wear right through it into the mayo and the turkey and cheese get stuck to the roof of your mouth. Oh and i got a banana with it, oh joy, and lets not forget the change for milk. Milk? YUUUUUUUKKKKKKKK. What the hell did my parents expect? Who the hell wants a sandwich that a senior citizen would eat? And a banana? Are you kidding me? I hate turkey, i hate bananas! I'm 10 years old i dont need a diet! I ALWAYS WENT FOR THE HOT LUNCHES SERVED AT SCHOOL Pizza and soda now THATS what a kid wants. To this day, i still REFUSE to eat turkey slices, whole weat bread, or bananas, and i rarely drink milk. Amazing, at 26 years old i'm still emotionally scarred from those nasty lunches.

Edited November 11, 2009 by dimeified

[You'reasian]

"<my son's name>, I found out from <the person who told me about this> that you lied to me about your eating your lunch. Instead you threw it in the trast. I am very hurt by what you did and that you lied to me. As a consequence, you will not be allowed to play wii or watch TV for the next 3 days".

 

Suggestions for changes/add/delete ?

 

Thanks.

 

You didn't allow him to explain his situation. As Ariadne said, tell him "Mr./Mrs. <person's name> said that you threw your lunch in the trash. Why did you do that?"

 

Think of the possibilties:

 

1. He would rather socialize.

2. He would rather play.

3. Lunch time is too early and he isn't hungry.

4. He doesn't like the kinds of sandwhiches you are packing.

5. Something emotional is causing his lack of appetite.

6. Something biologicall/mental is causing his lack of appetite.

 

Address the underlying issue first so that he will eat lunch again, then re-inforce that you love him but lying is unnaceptable and punishable.

 

There are some great response on this thread. What a support community!

Edited November 11, 2009 by You'reasian

[65tr6]

To this day, i still REFUSE to eat turkey slices, whole weat bread, or bananas, and i rarely drink milk. Amazing, at 26 years old i'm still emotionally scarred from those nasty lunches.

 

thanks dim. I understand what you are saying. Have you ever spoken to your parents about it back then ?

 

If you look at my update (post #36), we have now started to ask our son for his input when we pack his lunch. He does not always get what he wants but we are finding a middle ground. Like last night, he got to pick his own drink. I reminded him again yesterday that it is ok not to eat his lunch.

 

Things have been going well ever since we talked (again referenced in post #36).

[65tr6]

You didn't allow him to explain his situation.

 

I did. Post # 36 has the details.

 

There are some great response on this thread. What a support

community!

 

Couldn't agree more.

[dimeified]

thanks dim. I understand what you are saying. Have you ever spoken to your parents about it back then ?

 

If you look at my update (post #36), we have now started to ask our son for his input when we pack his lunch. He does not always get what he wants but we are finding a middle ground. Like last night, he got to pick his own drink. I reminded him again yesterday that it is ok not to eat his lunch.

 

Things have been going well ever since we talked (again referenced in post #36).

 

I have tried to talk to my parents about it, the responce always was "its healthy for you." Sorry, i missed post #36, i was reading through this at work. Sounds like your definately on the right track though.