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Etiquette on texting your Best Friends husband.- possibly infidelity?

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OKAY..Here come the drama!!! Yesterday my husband and I went to the school to have lunch with our children (Show a little love to the little ones with all this mess going on). While we were waiting to sign in, she was leaving and had to walk right by us. I KID YOU NOT..she looked right at my husband and said (remember I am standing not far from him) "hey! Hows is goin?" and walked out of the school. I broke down in tears and preceded to have my children watch me sobbing while I am making up some excuse that my jaw hurt from the dental work I had done that morning. ARG ARG ARG!!!


My husband said what she did was incredibly rude and can't believe she did that. I texted her and said "See...thats the crap I am talking about" She texted back and said "and what would that be" I said "what the hell am I supposed to think when you have avoided me for 5 weeks. I have never been hurt like this from a friend EVER" she said "I am not doing this over text.. Call me if you want to go over this"





Jesus I am so sorry.


Well from the looks of it(this post), and your previous posts as to your husband's hesitancy to "rock the boat". I'd say that there is something going on for sure.


I am afraid that by your husband''s attitude toward this latest encounter also that you will have to talk to your friend's husband yourself.


This woman is a narcissist, plain and simple. Your husband is not defending you in any manner. Agreeing with you that this was rude is a real cop out on his part.


She relishes torturing you about it . If your husband really ,loved you he would be taking steps to assure you that this isn't true, and not putting a half hearted lipservice to it. he would have most likely said something to her right then and there or done something to Defend the honor of the woman he loves.


Your husband looks more and more guilty with each post you write.


If you want to talk to her, it will have to be face to face. I strongly advise against it. I advise you go straight to the woman's husband and let him know what is going on. and also keep any copies of the texts she sent you.


Another step(this may seem highly irregular but it has worked in the past from more than one person I know) is to go and print out some paperwork from a poly site. then go up to your husband and say ...


"Darling, I know that you want to prove to me that you love me, and I need to be reassured, so because of that I am going to schedule a poly for you. I know you want to be able to put my mind at ease".


Two people I know did this, and went through both times with the game all the way of the "day of the appointment" to make sure that the spouse knew they werent kidding. Then when they got to the car to leave, asked "Is there anything you want to tell me before we go through with this?"


Both times the spouses caved and spilled their guts right then and there.


Once again, I know its highly irregular and risky, but in this case it may work. At least give it some thought.



Of course you could schedule a poly for real at this point, but you have to make sure if you do that you will be receiving a written report form the tech. One where they will stake their reputation on it. Many techs won't do it because it is not an exact science. so if you go that route make sure you get confirmation that the tech will SIGN a written report with their operating license number.


In any event, it seems clear now that something is going on for sure. Trust your gut. This was a clear incident of her rubbing it in your face and your husband's limp noodle response was indicative of deceitful behavior



I'm sorry, but I think you already know this, and have known it.


Please keep us updated.

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The more you talk to either of them about it, the further undergound they are going to go with this. Once people know they are under suspicion, they tend to do whatever it necessary to do damage control while protecting what they have be hiding it further.

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Yep> What a cold hearted piece of work she is...


Just go straight to her husband now - I mean you're all friends right :)


Don't tell your H or her, or your Mum or anyone else. Just get as much information as you can from her husband. Just try and get the facts now, or if not facts, maybe a feeling - you sem like a very instanctive person


TBH - even if you don't have facts, you don't need proof actually. If you feel that something is this badly wrong (and we're all behind you here!) then you can just ask your H to leave or leave yourself. I know it's hard because of the children, but it's hard on them anyway at the moment because of your emotional turmoil.


Have you suggested counselling to your H? Is there a mutual friend that you could confide in? Just wondered if anyone who knows you all would give you any insight here. Whatever happens now though - she's not your friend so, knives out.....

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I am sorry this is happening to you. Like many have said, your husband is gaslighting you big time. If you have access to his blackberry, starts searching the car....you will probably find another phone- a pay-as-you-go cell phone.


Your friend is not your friend, cut her off and talk to HER husband. Your husband can choose.


have you activated the GPS system on your husband's phone yet?

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I have read this whole thread and I am 100% sure that your H is cheating on you.


I hope that you are doing OK considering and are taking action as to not live in this emotional torment any longer.

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I am probably over reacting, but in general what are the "rules" for texting your best friends spouse? We are very good friends with another married couple and my best friend is always texting my husband to see if we want to go to dinner, or if he can pick up their kids, etc. Why wouldn't she just call me or have her husband call my husband? I want to make sure I am not out of line by saying it really did not sit well with me. With all of our married couples, I normally call the wife and talk to her not the husband...just seeing how many of you out there text (daily- or every other day) your friends spouse instead of texting you.


I do not know what the "general rule" is, but I think it is just politeness and common sense that it should be the H to contact the H and the W to contact the W.

If I had been in your situation I would probably have confronted the friend by the second or third message/call, told her I was bothered by the behaviour, asked to please contact you instead of him in the future, and make it clear that any further calls would put the friendship on a line (there are a lot of polite or non-aggressive ways to make a friend get such a message).

I would also have let H know (probably by the first time this happened) that I was bothered with the episode and why - no reason to jump at the H if he was not the one calling, but once he knows you are bothered he should IMO take your parts and discourage the friend from calling further.



About part 2 of your post...the really important one... I agree with the big majority of the other posters, that it **does** indeed sound like something is going on. A full-blown affair at the worst, flirting and out-of-the line behaviour at the best.

I really, really hope it is just the latter, but some investigation is in order.


From your more recent post your supposed best friend sounds like a selfish, narcisistic b*tch. Even if she were completely innocent and this was just a huge misunderstanding (I hate to say that I am just speaking hypothetically as I do not think this is the case), any person with an ego that is not over inflated and who is not affected by the victim complex, would be acting apologetic, and not offended!

She really does sound like she wanted to hurt you and trigger your jealousy.


Is her H a decent guy?

I would call him while he is at workplace(or when your "friend" is not present), tell him *everything* about your disconfort, and the situation, included the details about the business trip they took together.

I just hope she hasn't already given him her own version of why you are no longer friends...she does sound like a snake, so he could have been gasligthed, too(against you).

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Forgive me for not reading your entire thread and I hope I am not repeating anything that has already been said. It is inappropriate for yoru friend and husband to carry on the way they have been. I would not stress it anymore just come straight out and tell your friend " I do not feel comfortable with you texting my H. I would like it to stop. If you have any questions regarding my family please contact me and not him." I would tell him the same thing. Don't be embarassed or worry about hurting your friend's feelings. She obviously doesn't care anything about your feelings. What is more important to you? Protecting your family or hurting an outsiders feelings? If she were your best friend she would understand how you feel and apologize profusely. If this doesn't stop after that you have a big problem on your hands - simple as that!

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I agree with the general consensus. Way too many coincidences and not enough done by your H to try to reassure you. Maybe this isn't the best idea, but I think you should pretend like you've realized the error of your ways. Let them believe they've convinced you you're just crazy. Then see if they slip up. If you want to hire the PI, you should do it once they think they're in the clear. If they are involved, they're not likely to do anything while you're so suspicious.


First talk to her H and see if he has the same suspicions. You might want to take the approach of talking as though you think you were making something out of nothing when you mention it to him. ("I feel so bad about what happened with my friendship with your wife. Silly, worrying me. I was interpreting innocent things as signs that she was having an affair with my H. Like I thought it was oddly convenient that they went to the same town at the same time together, but that must have been a huge coincidence, don't you think?")


That way if she's got him under her thumb, you won't out yourself as still suspecting them. You can find out if he has the same suspicions without risking looking like a jealous, crazy person.

Edited by crazy_grl
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