cocochanel34 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 We have this recurring thing where my husband will be telling me something, and I find myself interupting him with details I think should be taken into consideration. He (understandably) takes it that I'm being negative, but I really dont mean it that way. I'm one of those people who has to think about every scenario and how it all might turn out. Sometimes as the words are leaving my mouth, I realize I shouldn't be saying it (at least, not at that moment). He gets frustrated and we wind up in a fight. GHADS!!! - Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?!?!
deux ex machina Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 It'll be alright. Why do you think you do it right then (and not wait)? Do you think you'll forget? Are you anxious? It is good that you appreciate his side of things, you understand how it would be hard to deal with.
Author cocochanel34 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I don't think I'll forget. Anxiety, maybe? Like I need to have all the ducks in a row before I can agree to something or make a decision? Which I think is a good thing, but why do I have to interject it when he's trying to tell me his thoughts? Especially when I KNOW it's going to set him off?
eeyore1981 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 You could always try to deal with this with some humor. Carry a small roll of tape in your pocket, and when he starts to tell you something, tell him to hang on a minute, and pull some off and put it over your mouth. Keep it there until he stops talking. What 'they' say is, "Silence is golden, and duct tape is silver." Don't use duct tape, though, it might hurt when you pull it off. I'd go with Scotch tape, or maybe bandage tape. If nothing else, it should be good for a laugh.
Devil Inside Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Coco...sounds like you are speaking before thinking...processing aloud. Two things come to mind for me. One...you may benefit from a practice of mindfulness meditation. Focus on allowing your thoughts to be there without having to say them. When your husband is speaking focus on him and listen...then when he is finished...add your piece. Two...let your husband know you are sorry and that sometimes you just blurt out your mental process. He married you, he knows you, I'm sure he can come to accept this...especially if you are telling him that you are working on changing it. Good luck.
Author cocochanel34 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Thanks for the great advice, everyone. The tape on the mouth actually sounds like a good idea. It would be a physical restraint I could use until I can condition myself to shut up and listen! I just started seeing a counselor a couple of weeks ago. I'm going to bring this up with her on Monday and get her thoughts.
seibert253 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 It's just a fact that it rude to interrupt someone while they're talking. I used to do it all the time and didn't even realize it. You've got half the battle licked because you realize what you're doing. simple; hold your thoughts and responses until the other person is finished talking.
65tr6 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 He (understandably) takes it that I'm being negative, but I really dont mean it that way. I'm one of those people who has to think about every scenario and how it all might turn out. my wife and i are going through the same struggle. I feel the same way about her and she knows it. I understand that you want to think through it and in the process ask questions....your husband may see it as shutting him down..see the difference ? He may be very discouraged and even feel rejected. Instead, encourage and ask questions..hear him out. Show interest. May be he is not doing a great job in presenting the idea/facts. Use empathetic statements such as "if I heard you right, you said......". Repeat what he said. Dont analyze before you heard him out. Help him out !
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I don't think I'll forget. Anxiety, maybe? Like I need to have all the ducks in a row before I can agree to something or make a decision? Which I think is a good thing, but why do I have to interject it when he's trying to tell me his thoughts? Especially when I KNOW it's going to set him off? My gf does this too and it drives me nuts. I've believe it's because she wants to argue/negotiate every tiny irrelevant detail that bothers her, because she's afraid of getting blamed for something extra. She just reacts before realizing that the detail she's interrupting me with is irrelevant to what we're actually talking about. Just force yourself to let him finish his thoughts and then decide which part of it you need to respond to. Honestly, it makes me not want to talk to her AT ALL. Just breathe and let the poor man talk! Check out my thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=207419
hopeful1980 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 You can't keep your mouth shut because you don't trust him and you think that if you don't tell him the details, he'll forget and things won't go your way. You need to be in control and you really don't have that much faith that your husband knows what he's talking about. I know because I am the exact same way. What I do now is practice listening without interupting. For one day, I vowed to say absolutely nothing unless I was asked first. It was HARD. I realized how much I actually talk. I had to catch myself many times during that day. Now I let my husband talk even if I think what he's saying is wrong or stupid. I just let him know that I heard him and I don't give my opinion unless he asks for it. Even then I don't tell him my real opinion (he doesn't want it any way). I just tell him that I support him in whatever he thinks.
The Midnight Rider Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 We have this recurring thing where my husband will be telling me something, and I find myself interupting him with details I think should be taken into consideration. He (understandably) takes it that I'm being negative, but I really dont mean it that way. I'm one of those people who has to think about every scenario and how it all might turn out. Sometimes as the words are leaving my mouth, I realize I shouldn't be saying it (at least, not at that moment). He gets frustrated and we wind up in a fight. GHADS!!! - Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?!?! Ah, wives. Crushers of little boy/grown man dreams. Clippers of the wings to flights of fancy. A sure fire way for a man to have his ideas and dreams crushed are to share them with his wife. The top five words that destroy creativity? "Hey honey! Listen to this!". No wonder your husband gets ticked. Women reflect men's failure. We fail, you remind us. ALWAYS. You wanna uplift your husband? When he talks about his dream or idea, break out that tape and say NOTHING! NADA! Don't poke holes in it. He can do that himself because if he is a decent man, he won't put his family in jeopardy to prove a point. If he succeeds, congratulate him. If he fails, don't rub it in by bringing it up unless he does. Men's egos are as fragile as raindrops and can be crushed pretty quickly. LET THE COMPLAINING BEGIN!!!
Author cocochanel34 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Now I let my husband talk even if I think what he's saying is wrong or stupid. I just let him know that I heard him and I don't give my opinion unless he asks for it. Even then I don't tell him my real opinion (he doesn't want it any way). I just tell him that I support him in whatever he thinks.[/QUOTE] Wow, Hopeful - You hit the nail EXACTLY on the head! I'm putting the actions in your last paragraph into practice ASAP.
Juniper22 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 At least you have reconized, and admitted what it is you're doing. The harder part is knowing what to do about it, and making sure after you know what you should do, to stick to it.
Author cocochanel34 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Ah, wives. Crushers of little boy/grown man dreams. Clippers of the wings to flights of fancy. A sure fire way for a man to have his ideas and dreams crushed are to share them with his wife. The top five words that destroy creativity? "Hey honey! Listen to this!". No wonder your husband gets ticked. Women reflect men's failure. We fail, you remind us. ALWAYS. You wanna uplift your husband? When he talks about his dream or idea, break out that tape and say NOTHING! NADA! Don't poke holes in it. He can do that himself because if he is a decent man, he won't put his family in jeopardy to prove a point. If he succeeds, congratulate him. If he fails, don't rub it in by bringing it up unless he does. Men's egos are as fragile as raindrops and can be crushed pretty quickly. LET THE COMPLAINING BEGIN!!! No complaints from me, Midnight. From now on, the lips are zipped. He's a good guy, and I know he usually has my best interests at heart. It's going to be hard, as it's a nasty habit - but now that I understand why I'm doing it, I'm determined to get it under control.
Author cocochanel34 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 My gf does this too and it drives me nuts. I've believe it's because she wants to argue/negotiate every tiny irrelevant detail that bothers her, because she's afraid of getting blamed for something extra. She just reacts before realizing that the detail she's interrupting me with is irrelevant to what we're actually talking about. Just force yourself to let him finish his thoughts and then decide which part of it you need to respond to. Honestly, it makes me not want to talk to her AT ALL. Just breathe and let the poor man talk! Check out my thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=207419 I read your thread, Phateless. What's weird is, in our situation, it's my husband who takes forever to get to the point. I think that's part of the reason why I interupt. Still no excuse on my part...
The Midnight Rider Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 No complaints from me, Midnight. From now on, the lips are zipped. He's a good guy, and I know he usually has my best interests at heart. It's going to be hard, as it's a nasty habit - but now that I understand why I'm doing it, I'm determined to get it under control. I like you more by the minute, coco! Good luck!
hopeful1980 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Ah, wives. Crushers of little boy/grown man dreams. Clippers of the wings to flights of fancy. A sure fire way for a man to have his ideas and dreams crushed are to share them with his wife. The top five words that destroy creativity? "Hey honey! Listen to this!". No wonder your husband gets ticked. Women reflect men's failure. We fail, you remind us. ALWAYS. You wanna uplift your husband? When he talks about his dream or idea, break out that tape and say NOTHING! NADA! Don't poke holes in it. He can do that himself because if he is a decent man, he won't put his family in jeopardy to prove a point. If he succeeds, congratulate him. If he fails, don't rub it in by bringing it up unless he does. Men's egos are as fragile as raindrops and can be crushed pretty quickly. LET THE COMPLAINING BEGIN!!! I'm not going to complain. Those days are over for me! I know what you are saying is absolutely the truth. A wife can tear down a man like no one else can. But she can also build him up like no one else. She can make him feel like he can break down moutains and walk through fire. I didn't know I had this type of power until recently, and I've used it to my advantage in every way I can. I'm no longer my husband's hater, I'm only his congratulater! I praise him every oportunity I get and keep my mouth shut if I think even the slightest criticizm. I've realized that by doing this I'm showing my husband mercy and that it's better for my marriage in the long run to just let him think I agree with his idea even if I think it's the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life. I'm a happier woman because of it.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I read your thread, Phateless. What's weird is, in our situation, it's my husband who takes forever to get to the point. I think that's part of the reason why I interupt. Still no excuse on my part... Ah, that makes sense. Well we can collaborate on ideas to expedite their talking/thought processes and give ourselves ideas on not interrupting. I think what bothers me so much is the double standard of her talking too much and then interrupting me when I try to talk. Totally unfair.
ADF Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 We have this recurring thing where my husband will be telling me something, and I find myself interupting him with details I think should be taken into consideration. He (understandably) takes it that I'm being negative, but I really dont mean it that way. I'm one of those people who has to think about every scenario and how it all might turn out. Sometimes as the words are leaving my mouth, I realize I shouldn't be saying it (at least, not at that moment). He gets frustrated and we wind up in a fight. GHADS!!! - Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?!?! I don't know if you should keep your mouth shut. In my experience, many of the people who accuse others of being "negative" are themselves starry-eyed dreamers. They may have the best intentions, but don't like to look at their plans realistically.
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