conehead Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Your SO has become distant and unaffectionate and when you ask him what's wrong he just says 'nothing'. You still love him but you think the relationship is coming to an end so you break up with him so that you get the upper hand. This might also make him desire you again (since people naturally want what they can't have) and want you back. If not, well at least you save your dignity and can have more confidence in your next relationship. Or, the other option is to discuss things with the SO instead of pulling a preemptive breakup. After all breaking up, even if preempitively/temporarily and then to get back together will do permanent damage to the trust in the relationship. Not to mention it's alot of drama. So what do you all think? Is the pre-emptive breakup tactic a good or a bad idea?
BG1985 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 You breakup when you notice there are problems with the relationship. If you notice your SO is becoming distant, that means there are problems. I'd say it's best to have a talk, but if that goes nowhere, then breakup.
Author conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I'm talking about the preemptive breakup like in Seinfield...is that a good or bad idea?
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 It sounds like game-playing to me. Why would you want to play games? I really wouldn't be taking serious relationship advice from Seinfeld. LOL If somebody pulled this particular "game" on me, I'd call their bluff and let them go. Or, you know, you could be the mature one and take BG's advice. I think once you start thinking of "getting the upper hand" over your SO, you've lost sight of what a relationship is about, anyway.
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I've used the preemptive breakup more than a few times.. but for me I used it when I knew the relationship is in the tank for her or I figured out that there was a deal breaker somewhere along the line that I knew would be an issue for her later on.. like my work.. In my past if a GF ever started whacking on me about the hours of my job or how much time I spent at work I knew it would go nowhere and that one day she would dump me so I would apply the preemptive breakup.. I have also used it when I knew she was done with me but I was just being back burnered or kept on a string..
aerogurl87 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I think once you start thinking of "getting the upper hand" over your SO, you've lost sight of what a relationship is about, anyway. I agree 100%. Think about what's good for both of you and the relationship and stop being so selfish. Because stating you want the upper hand is nothing but pure selfishness, and relationships are about compromise and making yourself vunerable at times. So talk it out, if it goes nowhere, then break up.
Author conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I'm not FOR preemptive breakups. I just saw this talked of in another thread and it made me curious. In my last relationship, I totally saw the breakup coming. And I knew there was nothing I can do about it but waited it out because I don't want to break up and regret it eventhough I knew there was maybe only a 1% chance that things will work out. I sometimes wonder whether I should have broke up with him first since afterward he seemed to just enjoyed rubbing it in my face that HE was the one who broke up with me. Not to mention the blow to my ego has really made me afraid to date again for fear of being rejected and broken up with again.
boogieboy Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I think once you start thinking of "getting the upper hand" over your SO, you've lost sight of what a relationship is about, anyway. The "upper hand" is so you dont get strung out. Sometimes you have to use the pre-emptive breakup because you see the relationship failing. Your SO says nothing is wrong, but you know they are lying. Thats when you know they are actively searching and have checked out of the relationship. Since they lost sight of what the relationship was about before you did, the pre-emtive breakup is totally appropriate. You cant talk it out with someone who doesnt want to make it work.
BookerT Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Just break up when the relationship is no longer healthy or bringing you happiness. Don't need to be pre-emptive. If you're going to pre-empt someone like it's a battlefield you might as well use shock and awe as well. Bring in another person and have sex whilst allowing your SO to walk in on you. They will surely spark a break up.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Just break up when the relationship is no longer healthy or bringing you happiness. Don't need to be pre-emptive. Thank you. That's exactly my point. If the SO doesn't want to talk about it, says everything's fine but you know it isn't, then what's the point in staying? Doesn't sound like it has to be preemptive. I don't see any point to trying to work on things when your SO just doesn't care.
BookerT Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Soulsearch. Your avatar scares the crap out of me, lol. If a woman ever wanted to break up with me, she just needs to wear makeup like that, and I'll just nod when she says "we should break up"
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Soulsearch. Your avatar scares the crap out of me, lol. If a woman ever wanted to break up with me, she just needs to wear makeup like that, and I'll just nod when she says "we should break up" LMFAO. It's Harley Quinn...from the Batman comics. I thought it was appropriate for Halloween. She's kind of like a female version of the Joker.
aerogurl87 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 LMFAO. It's Harley Quinn...from the Batman comics. I thought it was appropriate for Halloween. She's kind of like a female version of the Joker. Oh I LOVE Harley Quinn! They need to make a movie with her in it, that I would go see most definitely.
aerogurl87 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 The "upper hand" is so you dont get strung out. Sometimes you have to use the pre-emptive breakup because you see the relationship failing. Your SO says nothing is wrong, but you know they are lying. Thats when you know they are actively searching and have checked out of the relationship. Since they lost sight of what the relationship was about before you did, the pre-emtive breakup is totally appropriate. You cant talk it out with someone who doesnt want to make it work. I think this is where really knowing your SO comes in to play. With my ex, when he said nothing was wrong it usually meant "something is wrong but I'm going to see if I can fix it on my own or I don't want to worry you about it." Then came the little push of let's talk about things and then he'd open up. Some people aren't exactly good with talking about feelings and making themselves somewhat vunerable which can be due to a number of things. Therefore I suggest always trying to talk things out with someone before breaking up.
Author conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I guess the main question is when you've basically seen your SO has checked out of the relationship like boogieboy said....and if that's the case, should you just wait it out until they dump you or just dump them first to cut your losses...
GorillaTheater Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I guess the main question is when you've basically seen your SO has checked out of the relationship like boogieboy said....and if that's the case, should you just wait it out until they dump you or just dump them first to cut your losses... The latter. I personally have no issue with preemptive break-ups, seems like the sensible course to me.
Author conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 The latter. I personally have no issue with preemptive break-ups, seems like the sensible course to me. But if you dump them just because of that but you still love them, wouldn't you wonder 'what if only I waited to see if things would turn around'? Sorry I'm just playing devil's advocate here
Author conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Cuz for me in my last relationship, I saw that my ex was basically going to break up with me soon. I waited it out to see perhaps if things will turn around, but then I wonder if I should have just dumped him first to cut my losses. But the reason why I didnt do that was because I was afraid I'd regret it...and wonder like I said 'what if i waited? perhaps things would have turned around' So I wonder if I did the right thing...what do you all think?
GorillaTheater Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 But if you dump them just because of that but you still love them, wouldn't you wonder 'what if only I waited to see if things would turn around'? Sorry I'm just playing devil's advocate here Although I have many flaws, indulging in regrets is not one of them.
GorillaTheater Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Cuz for me in my last relationship, I saw that my ex was basically going to break up with me soon. I waited it out to see perhaps if things will turn around, but then I wonder if I should have just dumped him first to cut my losses. But the reason why I didnt do that was because I was afraid I'd regret it...and wonder like I said 'what if i waited? perhaps things would have turned around' So I wonder if I did the right thing...what do you all think? I don't remember who broke up with who, I think you've mentioned before that it was mutual, as near as as you could determine (and if it's that unclear, it probably was mutual). But I think you should have broken up with him when you were inclined to. I also think you'd feel better about the situation if you had. Personally, I think you should have broken up with him some time ago. You may remember me as the guy saying a long time ago, from your various threads while still dating this guy, that it looked like you were trying to find a "good enough" excuse to break up with him, and I still stand by that.
BG1985 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 If the thought of breaking up with someone ever crosses your mind for whatever reason, breaking up is the right thing to do. Waiting it out is only postponing the inevitable.
Author conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 I don't remember who broke up with who, I think you've mentioned before that it was mutual, as near as as you could determine (and if it's that unclear, it probably was mutual). But I think you should have broken up with him when you were inclined to. I also think you'd feel better about the situation if you had. Personally, I think you should have broken up with him some time ago. You may remember me as the guy saying a long time ago, from your various threads while still dating this guy, that it looked like you were trying to find a "good enough" excuse to break up with him, and I still stand by that. At first I thought it was mutual. 2 weeks after the breakup I called him for closure and was like 'when we broke up, we didn't discuss it and I just left...so I'm calling to see why we broke up.' And I guess in doing that I did get closure, but it also gave him the chance to tell me officially that he was the one who broke up with me. He kept emphasizing he broke up with me, I guess for the sake of his ego. So in the end, you can say he was the one who broke up with me.
Author conehead Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 If the thought of breaking up with someone ever crosses your mind for whatever reason, breaking up is the right thing to do. Waiting it out is only postponing the inevitable. I've done that before...broken up with someone because the thought crossed my mind but I regretted it big time later on. Even till this day, I regret it. While with this current ex, I have no regrets. I guess it doesn't bother gorilla theater because he doesn't indulge in regrets. I wish I was that way. But to me, I'd rather feel pain then feel regret I think...like in the movie 'ghosts of girlfriends past' lol
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I guess the main question is when you've basically seen your SO has checked out of the relationship like boogieboy said....and if that's the case, should you just wait it out until they dump you or just dump them first to cut your losses... I guess if I wasn't using it as a powerplay (which it sounded like in your first post), then yes - I'd do them a favor and cut them loose. It wouldn't be so I could "have the upperhand" and get one over on them since I got to be the dumper and they are the chump. It would be more along the lines of.... "I can see you're unhappy, how about we just cut this off, huh?"
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