"Threatening" to sue for child support?

[Dexter Morgan]

People who have been non custodial parents for most of their children's lives have NO idea how much it costs to raise a child. NO IDEA.

 

My ex pays the states minimum for CS, no health insurance, no tuition, no out of pocket medical expenses like braces, etc. I pay all of that.

 

Once when my daughter and I returned from a trip abroad, he accused me of using his CP to go to europe. I told him if he could find a way for 2 people to go to europe on 12.00 a day including airfare he should get his own TV show.

 

having said all that, what would be wrong with 50/50 custody where each parent pays for the child's expenses when with said parent? that would entail splitting school expenses, day care, medical expenses, etc. It just wouldn't include any child support since both parents would be providing for the children's needs when with them.

 

so with that, 50/50 custody is fair and one parent doesn't get the shaft when it comes to time with their children....wouldn't you agree?

[2sure]

Absolutely Dexter. In fact I myself have two friends who have a 50/50 and it works great, inconvenient sometimes, but the kids are good. It seems to get more difficult as they become teens regarding schedules. To me, the only way a 50/50 works is if both parents are fairly amicable and able to support the children equally finacially, educationally, and emotionally. In fact I know that the courts will not even consider this unless all of those facotrs are present because otherwise it creates a continual and complicated conflict for the children.

 

That being said...my ex just never had any parenting skills, never was able to support himself, took drugs, etc. My daughter just couldnt live there half the time. lol. No way. BUT: I tell you , I worry all the time and wish he was better...if something happened to me , you know - I 'd like to know she had another reliable parent to go to. But she doesnt.

[Dexter Morgan]

Absolutely Dexter. In fact I myself have two friends who have a 50/50 and it works great, inconvenient sometimes, but the kids are good. It seems to get more difficult as they become teens regarding schedules. To me, the only way a 50/50 works is if both parents are fairly amicable and able to support the children equally finacially, educationally, and emotionally. In fact I know that the courts will not even consider this unless all of those facotrs are present because otherwise it creates a continual and complicated conflict for the children.

 

I agree with everything you said.....except.....how is her financial situation my problem?

why does she get to cheat, and deny me 50/50 because she doesn't want to get a job fitting of her education?

[HarmonyHope]

then you needed a better lawyer. I pay half the school expenses(including school lunches & extra curricular costs), half of daycare, half of all uncovered medical bills for them, and I pay ALL the premiums for medical insurance for them.

 

Yeah and my ex is supposed to pay 80% of unreimbursed medical expenses, but lucky for him, it's so little that I rarely ask him to pay anything at all. I pay the health insurance, all of their clothing, etc.

 

And putting them in private school is YOUR choice. the utilities they use only add about 5% to the costs you'd have to pay for just yourself since you need them anyway.

 

Actually it worked out to be cheaper than paying the daycare cost (I'd have to use a dsifferent provider) than if public school was chosen.

 

and money to do activities with the kids? you mean a father is suppose to pay money so the mother can enjoy her time with the kids on her time?

 

No, but I'm just saying that while you are busy whining you can take comfort in the fact that your kids will benefit from the activity whether or not you fee like you should pay for it.

 

So no, I'm not insane at all:)

That's debatable. Maybe not crazy- just entitled, arrogant, narcisistic.

[Dexter Morgan]

No, but I'm just saying that while you are busy whining you can take comfort in the fact that your kids will benefit from the activity whether or not you fee like you should pay for it.

 

whining?...LOL. I have said that I pay my support and am glad to.

 

and as bad as my Xwife is, she at least, unlike you, wouldn't expect me to pay for her and the kids to do something together. I have to pay, and pay gladly, for when I have them. I shouldn't pay for her to have fun with them.....geez...even she realizes that.

[2sure]

It does suck Dexter. YOU would be able to offer your kids a lot. YOU would be able to avoid and diffuse conflict with your ex. YOU would figure it out. But your ex wont. And for 50/50, it takes both.

 

I will never understand divorced parents who dont understand this basic concept: If you have an ex who loves your children, even if you personally cannot stand him/her , if they are capable of sharing the responsibility and love for the kids...let them. Because if something happens to you, you at least know your kids still have a full and real parent. By not having 50/50 its something we all risk. And in my case, its a given - he just cant do it. But I am envious of every divorced parent wo has an ex that COULD take care of the kids and wants to

[HarmonyHope]

whining?...LOL. I have said that I pay my support and am glad to.

 

Riiiiight. So that talk about how no kids could possibly burn through $1200 and you presume she's using the money for herself was what?

 

and as bad as my Xwife is, she at least, unlike you, wouldn't expect me to pay for her and the kids to do something together. I have to pay, and pay gladly, for when I have them. I shouldn't pay for her to have fun with them.....geez...even she realizes that.

 

Where did I say that???? Oh...that's right. I didn't. All I said was that since you're so pissy about having to pay for what you deem as her expenses (since you can't accept how expensive it is), it might do you good to consider that the kids still benefit from it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Riiiiight. So that talk about how no kids could possibly burn through $1200 and you presume she's using for herself was what?

 

that was me saying they don't eat anywhere close to $1200/month in food and she doesn't buy them but $200 in clothes every 8 months or so.

 

all other expenses I pay half.

 

therefore the rest of the money is going to support her, not the kids.

 

its basic mathematics.

 

 

 

Where did I say that???? Oh...that's right. I didn't. All I said was that since you're so pissy about having to pay for what you deem as her expenses (since you can't accept how expensive it is), it might do you good to consider that the kids still benefit from it.

 

no, you said god forbid the father pay for you and your kids to do things together. dont even try to insinuate you didn't say that either.

[HarmonyHope]

that was me saying they don't eat anywhere close to $1200/month in food and she doesn't buy them but $200 in clothes every 8 months or so.

 

all other expenses I pay half.

 

therefore the rest of the money is going to support her, not the kids.

 

its basic mathematics.

 

Then you either aren't aware of what she does buy or she's hugely neglectful. My kids are in constant need of clothes and shoes.

 

no, you said god forbid the father pay for you and your kids to do things together. dont even try to insinuate you didn't say that either.

 

I think you misunderstood my meaning. My point was that I spent way more than just xH $600, and way more than $600 of my own to support them. He pays way LESS than 1/2 their expenses. But honestly, I'm not in the mood to argue the point.

[Dexter Morgan]

Then you either aren't aware of what she does buy or she's hugely neglectful. My kids are in constant need of clothes and shoes.

 

 

really? they grow 5 inches a month and throw away their clothes after maybe 3 times wearing them? ok...makes sense:rolleyes:

 

they are in CONSTANT need of clothes? so the clothes you buy them for a season last them 2 months? uh...hmmmm....er...ok

 

and I'm not aware of what she buys? uh...its simple, same clothes for 8 months, then new ones.

 

 

I think you misunderstood my meaning. My point was that I spent way more than just xH $600, and way more than $600 of my own to support them. He pays way LESS than 1/2 their expenses. But honestly, I'm not in the mood to argue the point.

 

well here is something to ponder. she has a house, only a 3 bedroom, nothing big. If she didn't have the kids, she'd have to sell the house. What does that tell you? She can afford her house with the kids and my money, but if she didn't have them and didn't have THEIR expenses to pay for, which I offered to take custody and didn't want a dime from her, she wouldn't be able to afford the house.

 

So if their expenses are so much, and my money doesn't cover them AND HER expenses...why would she not be able to afford the house if those expenses went away along with CS?

Edited November 18, 2009 by Dexter Morgan

[HarmonyHope]

really? they grow 5 inches a month and throw away their clothes after maybe 3 times wearing them? ok...makes sense:rolleyes:

 

they are in CONSTANT need of clothes? so the clothes you buy them for a season last them 2 months? uh...hmmmm....er...ok

 

and I'm not aware of what she buys? uh...its simple, same clothes for 8 months, then new ones.

 

My kids are little yet, so yes they grow pretty fast. And if they aren't outgrowing something then they are staining it or leaving it at their dads (which forces me to buy more). I swear I buy the kids 3 sets of clothes every season. It's wildly expensive.

 

well here is something to ponder. she has a house, only a 3 bedroom, nothing big. If she didn't have the kids, she'd have to sell the house. What does that tell you? She can afford her house with the kids and my money, but if she didn't have them and didn't have THEIR expenses to pay for, which I offered to take custody and didn't want a dime from her, she wouldn't be able to afford the house.

 

So if their expenses are so much, and my money doesn't cover them AND HER expenses...why would she not be able to afford the house if those expenses went away along with CS?

 

ok, fair enough, but the upside is that she's maintaining them in the familar family home. There is something to be said for stability. If you care, I could afford my house just fine without CS if I didn't have the kids' expenses.

[Dexter Morgan]

My kids are little yet, so yes they grow pretty fast. And if they aren't outgrowing something then they are staining it or leaving it at their dads (which forces me to buy more). I swear I buy the kids 3 sets of clothes every season. It's wildly expensive.

 

my kids are little too, my youngest just turned 5 and growing like a weed. yet they only need new clothes about once every 8 months.

 

3 sets of clothes every season? wildly expensive? ya, maybe if you are buying little tykes clothes at the most expensive places you can find.

 

I bought clothes for my kids to wear when with me because my X sends them in crap. 3 sets of clothes each season for BOTH of them cost me no more than $300. And we aren't talking Walmart either. I'm frugal, but I'll die before buying that crap.

 

So she shut up about child support when I asked her where all the money is going if they are only getting about $200 worth of clothes every 8 months. If I was to ask her for accountability, she'd freak...cuz she couldn't justify it.

 

ok, fair enough, but the upside is that she's maintaining them in the familar family home. There is something to be said for stability.

 

sure there is, I just don't see why that translates into dollars. Sorry, but there is a reason she doesn't want to agree to 50/50 custody.......she wants money to help her with HER expenses that she would bear even if she didn't have the kids.

 

was 50/50 custody ever discussed in your divorce? I realize some people can't do 50/50 because of schedules and whatnot. but was it discussed in your case? And if your X wanted 50/50, would you have been agreeable to it...why or why not?

[HarmonyHope]

my kids are little too, my youngest just turned 5 and growing like a weed. yet they only need new clothes about once every 8 months.

 

3 sets of clothes every season? wildly expensive? ya, maybe if you are buying little tykes clothes at the most expensive places you can find.

 

I didn't mean 3 outfits. I meant 3 sets of maybe 10 outfits. So that's 30 outfits every season. One for me, one for their Dad (he won't buy ANYTHING himself), and one for my in-laws (who do daycare). I usually go with old navy, children's place clearance or target. But still.

 

So she shut up about child support when I asked her where all the money is going if they are only getting about $200 worth of clothes every 8 months. If I was to ask her for accountability, she'd freak...cuz she couldn't justify it.

 

Not that I need to, but I keep all the kids child support in a seperate account. It would take me all of 2 minutes to print out a history if he ever questioned it. But my x knows better.

 

was 50/50 custody ever discussed in your divorce? I realize some people can't do 50/50 because of schedules and whatnot. but was it discussed in your case? And if your X wanted 50/50, would you have been agreeable to it...why or why not?

 

Yes it was discussed, but I was totally against it. At the time we D, he did not participate in childcare at ALL. In 5 years, he gave my kids 1 bath. When I'd run to the store he'd be calling me asking me what to feed them. He said he felt like he was babysitting someone else's kids. He doesn't give my son his medications, doesn't remember anything about allergies, hospitalization etc. NO way was I going to trust him with 50/50. However, he gets to see them almost every day because he gets home from work 3 hours before I do, so he picks them up from his parents and I pick them up there. In addition he gets one overnight a week and an extra overnight on the weekend that he doesn't have them. I even send over food. So, he's got a sweet deal. I am happy to report that his parenting skills have improved out of neccessity, but I still wouldn't be comfortable with 50/50 for him.

[sally4sara]

I finally stopped calling and hen pecking about no payment of child support and filed against him last spring.

 

Call and find out status: nothing

Call and find out status: nothing

Call and find out status: nothing

 

I am told I can take the time and money to take him to court again if I want to speed the process up. Yeah thanks for that. If I had been receiving child support I might be able to afford that extra project, but then I wouldn't have a reason to do so.

I get a letter in Oct. telling me they have contacted him but no info as to what will happen or when. He calls me to tell me he understands why I took action. Then why have you not been paying child support for over a year if you understand?

 

He comes into town to visit his son two weeks ago because his GF dumped him and he has nothing better to do. This is after a year of missed visitations. He buys our son an ipod. No clothes, no fees for science class or the John Hopkins program he tested well enough to be admitted to. This isn't some stupid extracurricular thing either. The program will groom him for advanced classes he can start next year some of which will count as college credit even though he is in middle school. Is that important? NO, but an ipod is!

I call today to find out what is going on with child support. Oh, I have a check for $185 coming to me out of an arrears balance of - wait for it- $800! He is over $6000 behind!

 

I am told if I want to see any of that I will have to lawyer up again and take him to court AGAIN. Child enforcement is only concerned with what has become in arrears since they got involved. Despite the fact I took this action last spring, their meter didn't start running till 2 months ago!

 

Oh yeah, this is ALLLLL fashioned in favor of the wives for sure!

 

Custodial parents,

 

Let this be a warning to you. If the other parent isn't keeping up with support payments, don't even bother with threats. Don't waste your time or think if you just be patient it will get sorted out. It won't. Your child will just loose out on opportunities. File non compliance immediately.

[BUENG1]

This is what passes for competence in many child support protection agencies.

 

http://www.fa-ir.org/alabama/cs/no_baby.htm

[Eve]

*Rant alert*

 

Now, I have mentioned before that I am a big supporter of 50-50 arrangements but the truth of the matter is that parents often want to move on with other relationships and 50-50 gets in the way of that. In the UK the parent who the child resides with 'officially' in terms of a Child Benefit claim must state that there is a 50-50 agreement before it can be acted on by CS. So, if they are a liar, you are stuffed.

 

This was my story with my stepsons. We allowed them free access to our home because we didnt want them to be stuck with any stupid arrangement based on finances. Hubby was married to the ex with equal parental rights by the Court at divorce and yet she simply lied about the time the boys spent with us in order to put pressure on our relationship. She even lied about our eldest boy leaving education to try his hand at some work. That took about 6 months for them to sort out. I still dont even know why CS thought they had a place in our lives as the boys really were perfectly fine. Their presence gave her the power to intrude into our lives and she enjoyed every moment.

 

Now what did she do with the money.. she and her partner would go on regular holidays and never take the boys. They have marvelous motorbikes too. We still had to buy essential clothing and pay for holidays etc for the boys because she didnt.. stupid system.

 

.. but that was then. All is well now and the boys know they are loved beyond money. I can see that for some CS is the only resort but even then it should be based on the actual needs of the child and not the resident parent. This would take quite a lot of time to realistically assess but time spent with the non resident parent should be equally calculated in terms of cost to the non resident parent in every way; clubs he or she supports the child with.. food costs, the full works.

 

Like Tayla I didnt bother with CS for my girls. If he wasnt willing to give of his own volition I wasnt going to bother .. but I have always been able to provide a lovely home for my girls. I am not sure what I would have done if I had to pay for health costs though as you lot do in the US..

 

So, in my mind CS is just a scam and has ruined the livelihoods of too many people. By making the system child friendly a lot could be gained because unfortunately too many adults are unable to navigate a decent split without a sense that they should be entitled to intrude into the other persons life, via their income.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

*End of rant*

Edited December 8, 2009 by Eve

[ADF]

[quote=Eve;2528695

Like Tayla I didnt bother with CS for my girls. If he wasnt willing to give of his own volition I wasnt going to bother .. but I have always been able to provide a lovely home for my girls. I am not sure what I would have done if I had to pay for health costs though as you lot do in the US..

 

This is exactly the wrong attitude to have.

 

Granted, the UK is more civilized than the US when it comes to providing health care, and that is a major cost incured by parents in the US. However, you seem to be willing to risk letting your kids go without just to prove what a great mother you are. You're willing to risk their well-being just so you can say, "I raised them all on my own, and even though their father didn't help, they turned out great." You should never put your pride before your children's well-being.

[Eve]

This is exactly the wrong attitude to have.

 

Granted, the UK is more civilized than the US when it comes to providing health care, and that is a major cost incured by parents in the US. However, you seem to be willing to risk letting your kids go without just to prove what a great mother you are. You're willing to risk their well-being just so you can say, "I raised them all on my own, and even though their father didn't help, they turned out great." You should never put your pride before your children's well-being.

 

Yes, the UK is more civilised. The rest of the post wasnt applicable in my situation.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Kizzyfur]

You're being purposefully dense I think.

 

Women have a multitude of ways to stop getting pregnant, both before and after the deed. Men can't "knock up as many women as they want" - get real.

 

The piece of paper gives men their rights back. The right not to have a child.

 

 

 

 

So, their only two options are to have an abortion, or raise a child alone?

 

Don't be thick:

 

Women:

Female condom

Diaphragm

IUD

The Pill

Vag Rings

Implants (implanon etc)

Injections (depo provera etc)

 

Last resort: abortion

 

If you refuse the plethora of options available to you as a woman and the man has signed to say he's not going to provide for the kid: don't have sex.

 

That's fair.

 

You forgot adoption.

I agree though, men should have more rights. How many women are intentionally getting knocked up just so they can collect child support?

I also agree with someone else who said "Why fight for custody if you can't afford to care for the child on your own?"

I know it's an older post and no one has responded to it in awhile. This is just something I have thought about quite a bit.

Edited January 14, 2010 by Kizzyfur