Angel1111 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 In our case the divorce was non-contested and was final two days after it was filed. The ONS happened two weeks before both essentially. When the ONS occurred, we were pretty sure we were going to divorce but didn't make the final decison until she returned from the fateful trip. I'm sure it would hurt if she did this two weeks after the divorce but then you wouldn't have the additional hurt of feeling betrayed. I realize I'm maybe not like some in the world, but I made a commitment at marriage that I always kept. My wife's first marriage ended in her first husband cheating on her. Other than the commitment I made, I knew I would never cheat because I knew it would devistate her and I couldn't bear that to happen. I wore my wedding ring until the day I got notice that the divorce was final. To give her that loyalty and then have her cheat on me is one of the things that makes this so hard. The fact that she did this while we were still legally married makes it harder for me than if she had done the same thing two weeks after. Plus, if she had done this two weeks after, I assume she wouldn't have felt like she needed to tell me about it and I would be watching Monday Night Football right now instead of posting on this site. Your standards are your standards. They don't pivot on what someone else does or doesn't do. And they don't have anything to do with how others will treat you. You can't control what other people do, anyway. In her mind, the marriage was over, whether she said that to you or not. I think what she did was dumb and hurtful, and I think her sister must be dumb, too. Either that or she was appalled at what her sister did. Youes ex was even more stupid to tell you what she did. For me, if someone ever said to me that the marriage was over or the divorce was set in motion, the ring would come off. I don't feel that kind of loyalty to anyone. Despite all that, yes, you probably would've been hurt if you found out that she did this 2 wks after your divorce because you haven't broken the emotional tie with her. It takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 The same thing happend to me, but I had a problem giving my ex-wife an orgasm our entire marriage. She told me she had sex with some guy and she finally had an orgasm, she was very detailed about his expertise work on her clitoris and how he finally made her feel like a woman. This was very brutal for me to handle because I still loved her dearly. The image of her in a state of ecstacy with some other man makes me sick. To top all this off, she told me when he came inside her, she was begging him for more and now she can't get enough. We have 4 children together and I never thought something like this would take place so soon. In the end, I had to accept that this is the way it is and I cannot change what has happend. She says she loves me but I can't satisfy her like this other guy. She must still love you, too, or is very pissed at you about something because there is no reason on earth for someone to tell a former partner something like this unless it was designed to cut them to the core. I can't imagine saying this to someone under any circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
bigguy Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Well, this is what my ex has said to me , I can relate to this poor guy. She has ripped his soul out!!! My problem is the visual picture she has painted for me...... I wanted to hang up as she told me all of this but my heart had stopped and I couldnt breath. She even told me what position he had her in (doggy), we had done this for years and how all of the sudden this jerk could satisfy her so?? My advice is to say it will take time, you will never get over it, I know I won't, I was her one and only before this ***hole!! We married young. Go out and live your life my good man, being infatuated with one individual is not worth my time anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
bigguy Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Angel, how can you think she still loves me too?? Maybe this guys ex is pissed at him for something also!! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Angel, how can you think she still loves me too?? Maybe this guys ex is pissed at him for something also!! I'm just saying that it's a possibility because usually only two emotions will elicit such hurtful comments - love and hate. Yes, I think it's already been discussed that the other guy's ex is most likely pissed about something, or was out to hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Huh? I don't agree with the statement that she did not need 2 tell him. But by "need", I'm talking about her need, not his. She obviously felt bad about what she did, so she told him hoping it would ease her conscience. That makes it her need. How was it obvious that she felt "bad" about what she did? but I get that this was a "need" on her part-for selfish reason. I was talking about the need on his part....that knowledge was of no use to him--well, not right now anyway, I do not know if there is, down the road. Maybe parmaker believes he needed her not 2 tell him. It obviously hurt that she did. But in the long haul, it's far better 2 know now than 2 find out years later that the intervening years were a lie. In both cases, it's the act that's causing the hurt, though it's felt when the truth comes out. But why does he have to know? for what purpose? what intervening years? they filed for divorce weeks later ( I think he said two weeks). At any rate, who knows if parmaker would have felt is he found out "years later", maybe by then he would have been re-married to somebody he adores and his ex but a distant memory? I'm a scientist. If something exists or has happened, it isn't any less real just because I'm unaware of it. If you knew of it existing or has happened, you are already "aware' of it...so how can you make it 'less real"?...something you are unaware of does not exist-at least not in your realm senses, even though it might actually exist somewhere--one has to, at least, experience it in order for it to be real to oneself-through any of the senses or a combination thereof. JMHO, but I am not a scientist . Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 I always advice a cheater to come clean, but so the BS can be informed and make decisions about their life. In this case, the decision has already been made. you were getting a divorce anyway. it was mutual. Originally, I was also of the "you had decided to divorce" opinion - in my own case, we decided to divorce and didn't finalize for a couple years, but once we decided, we considered ourselves divorced, separated, and finished as spouses, and I didn't really care, or feel I had any right to declare any kind of continuing spousal connection. Just my own experience. But in this case we need to read the OP's words carefully. A comment slipped by that I think some folks missed (I did at first....) At the time of the ONS, the decision was NOT finalized: In our case the divorce was non-contested and was final two days after it was filed. The ONS happened two weeks before both essentially. When the ONS occurred, we were pretty sure we were going to divorce but didn't make the final decison until she returned from the fateful trip. So in this case, at the time of the ONS, they had not reached a mutual decision yet. Now, she may very well have decided, but according to this, there was not a meeting of the minds with the OP. That does change the emotional landscape of the situation from what I originally assumed it was, and I believe I would feel similarly betrayed as the OP does if I learned that she'd had a ONS when we were still making the decision. Whether she "should have" told him or not, I don't really know - given that it happened when they were still deciding, I imagine she was suffering guilt about it (she damn well should have...) but I don't have a strong opinion on either side of the "should have" argument. I will say that the timeframe from "still deciding," to filing and finalizing the divorce being just 2 weeks seems awfully fast. (And that's what threw me off originally. Hell, 2 weeks before we filed, we had LONG SINCE made a final decision, and we still had 90 days after filing before we could finalize, in my state...) It does take your breath away to consider how fast things were decided and finalized for the OP, given the emotional ups and downs involved with such a huge decision and the significance of a divorce in one's life. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Originally, I was also of the "you had decided to divorce" opinion - in my own case, we decided to divorce and didn't finalize for a couple years, but once we decided, we considered ourselves divorced, separated, and finished as spouses, and I didn't really care, or feel I had any right to declare any kind of continuing spousal connection. Just my own experience. But in this case we need to read the OP's words carefully. A comment slipped by that I think some folks missed (I did at first....) At the time of the ONS, the decision was NOT finalized: So in this case, at the time of the ONS, they had not reached a mutual decision yet. Now, she may very well have decided, but according to this, there was not a meeting of the minds with the OP. That does change the emotional landscape of the situation from what I originally assumed it was, and I believe I would feel similarly betrayed as the OP does if I learned that she'd had a ONS when we were still making the decision. Whether she "should have" told him or not, I don't really know - given that it happened when they were still deciding, I imagine she was suffering guilt about it (she damn well should have...) but I don't have a strong opinion on either side of the "should have" argument. I will say that the timeframe from "still deciding," to filing and finalizing the divorce being just 2 weeks seems awfully fast. (And that's what threw me off originally. Hell, 2 weeks before we filed, we had LONG SINCE made a final decision, and we still had 90 days after filing before we could finalize, in my state...) It does take your breath away to consider how fast things were decided and finalized for the OP, given the emotional ups and downs involved with such a huge decision and the significance of a divorce in one's life. Her sisters took her out on a vacation to take her mind off the fact the her second marriage is yet again going to go bust. There was no doubt on her mind. "Pretty sure to divorce" is "quite sure" is it not? Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 There was really no need for her to tell you----you were 3 weeks from divorce being final, wuth no discussion of R. Yes you probably will have problems with what she did, but she is entitled to live her life as she sees fit----You are no longer married, so you need to put this behind you----I really don't think she was doing anything more than jumping the gun----If you 2 still have feelings for each other, I think the ONS probably crushed any thought of R., after the D---just take care of yourself, and do the things you were going to do to start your new single life----forget your WW, and her activities, she is now an X. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Originally, I was also of the "you had decided to divorce" opinion - in my own case, we decided to divorce and didn't finalize for a couple years, but once we decided, we considered ourselves divorced, separated, and finished as spouses, and I didn't really care, or feel I had any right to declare any kind of continuing spousal connection. Just my own experience. But in this case we need to read the OP's words carefully. A comment slipped by that I think some folks missed (I did at first....) At the time of the ONS, the decision was NOT finalized: I know, the point was, since they already decided to get a divorce before she TOLD him, not before she cheated, what was the purpose of her telling him? to rub it in his face? Link to post Share on other sites
Author parmaker14 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 I just wanted to thank everyone that replied to my post. It has been a tough week but, except for the one guy that told me in detail about what his wife told him about her affair which just made me think even more about the details of what my wife did with the guy, all the replies gave me great advice. The responses I got helped me realize this wasn't my fault, helped me understand the range of emotions I was going through, and gave me the strength to put this past me and move on. I'm not out of the woods yet as memories of this will always be with me but I'm miles ahead of where I was when I posted this originally just 4 days ago. So thanks to all of you for your comforting comments and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 I think this just proves that many of those things we tell to relieve ourselves of some burden just pile it on someone else. Unfair of her to tell, unfortunate for him to hear. OP, I'm glad you're doing better... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
silverstalkings Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Better get used to your wife having sex with other men. If she did it while you were both together with some dude she picked up at a filthy bar at the spur of the moment, then you can only imagine what she's doing now. Your problem is that you didn't view her as desirable to others and all of a sudden are getting a smack in the face. No, she won't be alone and miserable after you; she'll move on. You BOTH chose a divorce and unfortunately must deal with the consequences. YES you both were still married, BUT you also were both going through a divorce at the time so she had no loyalties to you, but felt guilty anyways. Get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 But in the long haul, it's far better 2 know now than 2 find out years later that the intervening years were a lie. I agree and am living proof of that statement! I feel like 8 years of my life, which I will never get back, were wasted and yes, lived a lie. A few people could have told me and I could have saved those years...but like too many others, they didn't want to get involved....yet they'd talk about it amongst themselves and other people. If only someone had told me early on, I could have made the decision to not get married and I deserved to know. but in Pars case...whats the point? They were already in the process of getting a divorce. The reason to tell is to give the betrayed the CHOICE of whether or not they want to stay. In this case, that decision was already made. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I think what has me wondering, "huh?" in this whole story is why, if par was planning 2 DV his W, does it matter one way or the other 2 him what she did/does? Like the quote "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference", par isn't indifferent here. The DV is also VERY fast. I don't think he was ready for it. On the other hand, if he ever needs 2 be able 2 look back on his decision 2 DV with a clear conscience, knowing that she cheated on him before it was final might serve 2 help him do that. All very true, but that doesn't diminish the fact that he had/has the further feelings of betrayal, and I can empathize with him for that. We can point out all we want how it doesn't matter, how "there's no point" in dwelling on it, how it's clear that for her it was over, but at some point these tough-love 2x4's to the forehead still don't erase what is a real feeling: I was still talking to her, and I thought she was still talking to me, and we were trying to reach a mutual decision, and she went and sealed it unilaterally by sleeping with someone else. It hurts, and I can understand that. You don't have feelings because there is "a point" to them, and you can't just turn them off because there's "no point" to them... Yes, seeing all of this may help, but at the bottom line, I don't see how it's mystifying that he's having these feelings. He was still - barely, maybe - in there, and she went outside and finished it off before giving him the courtesy of telling him first. That sucks, and it just feels bad. I get it. Now, having said that, 2long has a point that, painful as it may be, this may help to clarify for the OP that it was over for her even before they made their supposedly "mutual" agreement. No, there's no point in dwelling on it, there's nothing to be done to "fix" it, but it is still a real feeling, another loss, another hurt, and you'll need to work through it over time. It sucks. I'm not going to tell you otherwise. I get it. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Why does anybody confess anything, if they aren't hoping 2 assuage some guilt? I think that was one of the arguments here, no? Motivation. Did she confess to alleviate her guilt? or make him jealous ? or simply to inflict pain? I am glad that to YOU it is clear... They have kids 2gether. Married or divorced, they will always have that tie.and? this guy is no longer in her life. He (the other guy) would not have affected the kids post-divorce. You are not making sense to me. As above, maybe distant, but still a memory of an important point in his life. It's always best 2 know the truth about your own past.This is not "his past"...her sleeping with that man, post decision to divorce is "her past". You know what HIS problem is? He can't get over the fact that she appeared to have moved on too soon. It bruised his ego. What the heck is a "realm sense"?parse the words, maybe you would get it. No, one doesn't need 2 experience something 2 be aware of its reality. You might not understand it if you haven't experienced it, though.what is with the number 2? Are you texting? anyway, what are you talking about? if you have read something-you have already experienced it....if you have heard it, you have already experienced it...if you have heard it through gossip or what not, you have already experienced it....Anything that any of your senses have been aware of, is an experience....but I do agree understanding an experience is different from just being aware of it. Thus, the statements we often hear "oh yeah, I (saw, smell,heard, touch, felt) that, but didn't know at that time that it was XY and Z." Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 LOL ! 2long...you are trying very hard to "sound" like a scientist..but you are lost in your own argument,.....I am out..I already had an infraction from some thin-skinned bully-so let me just removed myself from this silliness "genetic imperative!!!! :lmao:!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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