Reconciliation?

[Butterfly1]

I know exactly how you feel about regretting even starting a relationship if its just going to cause me MORE pain in the aftermath. Right now, yes, I really do regret dating my ex because it caused me to become just as depressed, was a huge blow to my ego and sometimes I wonder if it causes me to build more walls up from getting close to someone. Sometimes it seems like I just build myself up when I am single only to lose it all when I go through a breakup (that I didn't initiate)

 

BUT, I think it more about in the future that I will be grateful to have had that experience. I think about my ex from a few years ago. He caused me so much pain, depression, etc and somedays I never wanted to get out of bed. But, the funny thing about time is that now when I look back on my relationship I only remember the good times we had and not the misery that I went through afterwards. I think about what I learned about myself in that relationship and the lessons I learned that have helped me apply to other relationships. And during that time when I was in love, I really felt alive and I can only hope and pray that I will be in love again like that.

 

With my current ex, yes I do think I loved him and when I was with him i never felt more alive and happy. And I hope that someday I will look back at him like I do my ex from a few years ago and just remember the happy times (they were all happy) and not the way he broke up with me and pain its caused me - now almost two months after he ended it.

 

I would not take care of her pet when she goes away. I know you really care about her but I think its wrong of her to make you a friend so fast. She either really likes the attention of having someone around her that has feelings for her or she is just really dense about breakups and the friendships that come afterwards. I really don't know if you can really be "friends" with someone after you were lovers. I think it must depend on the feelings and emotions between the two people. One guy I dated last year for 6 months, I probably could be friends with now as I don't think we are right for each other and I was never in love with him.... My ex from a few years ago, definately not. I found out last year he was dating some girl and I became severely depressed even though I hadn't seen him in almost a year and we had been broken up for 2 years!

 

And I would not go to her birthday party. Just say something else came up. Really, just distance yourself from her. If there was something there between the two of you, then maybe she will remember it when you start to walk away. How can she miss you if you are always there for her and williing and able to do anything for her? Focus on yourself and the people that make you happy - another girl will come in time...but you won't meet that next person until you let go of this one.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

again great words of wisdom Butterfly1,

 

i think she suggested I mind her pet for our mutual benefit as i told her i now live alone all of a sudden and it is lonely, i don't think I will be able to look after it though

 

maybe i will give the birthday a miss but she will definately phone me to ask me to go

 

there isn't anything between the 2 of us now so she would not miss me as there are plenty of others there for her

 

i think that if i never seen her again it wouldn't be a problem for her

 

its good that you only see the good times and forget the pain, i have to say i still remember a lot of the pain from a relationship from 4 years ago although naturally i remember the good times

 

i know exactly how we build our defence walls up to have it all smashed down again after a breakup, trouble is if we never let anyone in there we live alone our whole lives, for me though i find it difficult to find someone i really like and i only learn this through dating a girl a significant period of time i.e. not 3 nights

 

does anyone listen to 'The Wall' by Pink Floyd... some great lyrics in there folks to describe pain, heartache, dispair and loss!!!

 

Butterfly1 do you think she knows i still have feelings for her? i didn't give any hints tonight and she isn't dense about relationships as she said 4 weeks ago that we have to spend time apart then try friendship, maybe she thinks i am over her and i can do the friendship thing now?

 

as you say that you dated a guy for 6 months last year, you probably think you can be friends with him as you didn't love him and you weren't right for each other... which brings me to the conclusion...

 

my ex didn't love me of think that she would ever and that we weren't right for each other hence she can do the friendship thing right away!

[Butterfly1]

Well, after my breakup with the guy I dated for six months, even though I wanted it, I still could not be friends with him. It wasn't like I didn't have feelings for him, I just knew that we were not right for each other - and he did too. He was a great nice and fun guy but was still living like he was in college and didn't seem to want or be in any rush to grow up. He knew as well that we weren't right so it wasn't that hard of a breakup but I know that if I saw him, I would still be attracted to him and I know that I would still be jealous if I saw him out with another girl. That is why I ended the friendship with him. (I also think its not right to talk to exes when you start dating someone)

 

I know, I know you feel like this girl has no feelings for you since she can go from lovers to friends so fast. I honestly don't know what she feels for you but feelings are pretty hard to read. For all you know, she does have feelings for you and thus thats why she wants to be friends - you can interpret it either way. You don't just date someone for four months and not have feelings for them -- whether you are in love or not, when you bond with someone like that (physically and emotionally) that bond does not just go away in a couple of weeks. At least, I have never been able to get rid of it and I don't think a lot of females can (unless of course they just sleep around a lot)

 

I am sorry you still remember the pain you went through a few years ago. I still remember mine but at least you know through that experience that you can get past it, that you are capable of developing feelings for someone else. So, it didn't work out with this girl but that doens't mean the next one won't. You are young and I know it awful when you love someone and that person can't return that love - but you just have to believe that there was something there and for whatever reason, that person is unable to feel it right now. Try not to take this so personally because it might not have anything to do with you. As I told you before, I thought her reason for breaking up with you was weak and an excuse.

 

I don't know if she knows you have feelings for her. It all depends on how you act when you are around her. If she knows you have feelings for her then a decent girl would not be asking you out or inviting you to her birthday dinner (they would give you more time) But if you believe that she thought that this time apart was enough and believes that you are over her, then maybe yes. It doens't matter though. Just keep your distance from her for now. Focus on your happiness without her and maybe you too should consider getting a pet.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

on thinking back I think she did have feelings for me, i was more than just a friend, she did find me attractive, she didn't want me to apply for dangerous jobs etc.

 

i don't think she finds me attractive now although i still look the same! i still find her very attractive alright!

 

i don't think she would like to see me with another girl and i certainly wouldn't like her to be with another guy,

 

i remember the pain from years ago because it was so bad and i remember how i couldn't continue to do a lot of the things i used to do anymore

 

yeah through meeting my current ex i was surprised that i could love another again, she made me totally get over her after 3 1/2 years

 

i'm not young either being 9 months from the dreaded 30!!! so i can't wait another 4 years to start again

 

i perhaps shouldn't go to her birthday party, she knows i'm going through a really hard time at the minute but i'm not sure she knows the feelings i have for her...

 

or maybe she does as the other night i met up with her for drinks she had invited another friend who didn't turn up so she didn't want to be alone with me

 

if she has no feelings whatsoever left then theres nothing i can do, i still can't understand how a person can go from one to the other though

 

the truth is she don't want me no more

[Butterfly1]

Sorry its taken me a few days to respond. I thought I had actually.

 

I am 14 months away from turning 30 and don't think I don't think about it everyday. I know what you mean about taking time to get over somebody. It did probably take me 3 years to get over my serious ex boyfriend from a few years ago. I dated guys in between that ex and my current ex but I know I was never really over him.

 

I am sure if she didn't want to be alone with you she could have been afraid of what might happen (meaning that she probably is attracted to you) I don't understand either how someone goes from one extreme to the other but maybe this whole breakup has NOTHING to do with you and more to do with her own issues. try not to personalize it so much. She was just gettting to know you - there were no problems, maybe she just got scared.

 

BUt none of that matters anymore...you need to move on so you can meet someone who will love you back as much as you love them. In order to do that I would just cut the contact with her and focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Hope you had a goood weekend.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

its good to know i'm not the only one that takes years to get over somebody, i could well believe it took you 3 years to get over your serious ex, some people take even longer i am sure!

 

i also know what you mean by dating people in between and you know you are not over your ex yet, I certainly did this and had no real romantic interest in them, i wasn't capable

 

i was at a concert last night and there was this girl who was asking me out but i just must have looked straight through her, i really don't want to go back to all this again, it is horrible

 

i'm not sure if she thinks i am attractive, how could she if she has no feelings for me? she tells me i am good looking though but that doesn't mean i am attractive to her

 

i'm still between 2 minds as whether to go to her birthday or not...

 

one friend says i should go 'neutral' and just have a good night, i told another friend this and he said how on earth do you do that? where is the emotion switch that allows a person to go neutral? he says i should tell her that i can't go as i still have feelings for her and want to be her boyfriend and that to go is just torturing myself as i want to see her and be with her romantically

 

i know that none of what has happened matters anymore, i was just searching for answers as to 'why?'

 

i had a good enough weekend as can be expected with clinical depression, the weekdays are dreadfully lonely now as I also live by myself

[Butterfly1]

I live by myself as well but I prefer to. I like my privacy and I think it pushes more to be social. But I am back in grad school now so I spend everyday with people my age - except for the days i don't have classes (those days are boring as i am also in the suburbs)

 

maybe your ex is also between exes herself? maybe the timing is just not right. i know what you mean about wanting to know an answer why things had to end the way they did. i have been asking myself that as well. at least if it was something that i did i could work on improving that in the future. how can someone breakup with you if they are attracted to you, like being with you and you have a lot in common? thats why i just think that it might have nothing to do with you.

 

no, i would not go to her birthday. i agree with your friend that it might be too hard for you to be nuetral around her. she hurt you and the last thing you want to see is for her to be flirting with other guys. i would just tell her you are not up to it and wish her well. she can't just break up with you and think you can be friends overnight. totally not fair to you.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

living by myself is kind of hard to get used to although it does have many advantages, i do think you are right in that it pushes you to be more social, it is very hard to sit in and watch the 4 walls so to speak!

 

also watching tv / films etc. isn't as good as when someone is there with you, it is very lonely!

 

maybe you are correct in saying how my ex is between exes, i'm not sure but she definately didn't want to speak much about him or any of her others, sometimes they came up in conversation when her friends were there

 

hopefully you are right in the fact that it had nothing to do with me, afterall she chose me and asked me for my number, phoned me then invited me out then we were together, she did like being with me and yes we did have a lot in common...

 

i mean what more can you expect, she said about the spark not being there anymore but that always dies a bit after months and i know that and i never expect that to be as fierce as it is at the start

 

perhaps it was bad timing, she did say that she didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else right now, she also has to go to Asia ( a long way away from me ) in 1 1/2 years for 6 months... i was thinking long term adn i was worried about this but never brought it up

 

i'm still not sure about her birthday party but all i know is that roles were reversed she sure wouldn't be at mine

[sarah12]

i'm still not sure about her birthday party but all i know is that roles were reversed she sure wouldn't be at mine

 

I think that's your answer right there. If she wouldn't show up at yours, then why should you make the effort to go t hers? I think you should surprise her by NOT showing up. It'll make her think twice about why you wouldn't go.

[Butterfly1]

I just don't understand also this spark that comes and goes. For me, if a spark is there, its always there. i just dont' get it.

 

yes, stop personalizing everything with this girl.. at least she has been decent to you and civil to you (not ignoring now for no reason like my ex) don't go to her party and just try to forget her for now.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

me neither Butterfly1, if you are attracted to someone then i don't really see how it can fade under normal circumstances unless the person changes in a major way

 

yes she has been civil and decent towards me alright but she is that kind of person

 

i don't think she will be surprised or even bothered if i don't go, she has plenty of her friends going!

 

why is your ex ignoring you Butterfly1? are you still interested in him even for friendship? do you still try to contact him?

[Butterfly1]

i made the mistake of sending him an email late on the 23rd letting him know the results of my colposcopy and wishing him a merry christmas...we hadn't talked in over two weeks. he wasn't at work that night or the rest of the week but i know he is at work today and never responded.

 

but then i also sent him a text message on christmas day that said "merry christmas" and he ignored it (he hadn't gotten the email yet) - no reply. i just think thats cold. i wish i had been stronger and not sent him that text message, i honestly believed he would at least write back and wish me back a merry christmas and i am shocked and hurt that he would ignore it and not even reply back to email today.

 

i will never understand how someone i thought was the nicest guy in the world, treating me so great, could just change his feelings so fast and tell me they were never there (when he told me before they were) and then just ignore me. i could understand it if i had been pursing him or calling him all the time, but i haven't...i just did that and he can't even be nice.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

that was very ignorant and very cold indeed, the very least he should have done was simply responed to your christmas day text...

 

as you say it wasn't as if you were torturing him or anything! there was nothing wrong with sending him a christmas greeting so it wasn't a weakness in my opinion!

 

that is a terrible thing to say about his feelings never being there, maybe now you know he isn't the nicest guy in the world and that maybe he was putting on a king of an act

 

maybe this will help you get over him, i really hope it does

[sarah12]

butterfly - I think that he is scared to talk to you about his feelings. In that e-mail you sent him about your feelings, he could probably tell you were hurt and the last thing a guy wants to do is hurt a girl. Unfortunately he does not know how to deal with that and is probably confused. Like you have told me many times, a lot of men do not know how to sort out their feelings for women, much less for the two women he has/had to deal with now. You know very well that some men just find it easier to run away from problems than to deal with them. I think that is what he has done here. Re-read that PM I sent you with the letter the guy wrote to me..he admitted to running away from problems..which he did not realize he was doing at the time. Your guy probably has, or will realize this in time. ANother thing is that even if he has already realized it, he's not going to come running back to you just yet. He'll feel like a fool if he calls you up now, knowing that you have said your peace and has probably moved on from him.

 

I know it's hard to leave him alone, because you want to see what kind of response you'll get from him, and you want to let him know that you are still around. But like everyone on this forum is doing, give him some time to reflect on what happened. Remember he's still sorting through why he still cares about the manipulative ex, and if he is dwelling that much on her, I'm sure he's thinking just as much about you. He did move on from her to you for good reason. He's going to realize some day that you were the one that got away.

[Butterfly1]

Sarah12, you post has just really cheered me up. Thank you. I hope you are right and its not that he is just a jerk. I guess time will only tell and I will just have to hope and pray that things turn out right. During a weak moment today I called his work (pressed *67 so there was no caller id) and it went to voicemail which means he hasn't gotten my email yet --- but he still could have replied to the text message on Christmas. It doesn't matter, I guess.

 

I think this week is just hard because I am so close to him. Next week I go back to school and hopefully will be busy enough where I won't have enough time to think about him. I hope you are well and thanks again. You really did brighten my outlook.

[lost_in_chgo]

Butterfly,

so you know, *67 doesn't always block business lines from seeing your number, most times in fact it doesn't. Businesses use a different system, not caller id, so they can usually still see the number unless it is blocked at the level they use, which you can't do.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Butterfly1, i would cease calling him at all and i wouldn't send him a text message again after what happened at christmas...

 

he knows you have contacted him twice so your call just makes you look more needy

 

i haven't contacted my ex in 4 weeks and she initiates the contact everytime well with the exception of me sending a text on christmas day which she replied to

 

if it was me initiating contact i think she wouldn't reply

[Butterfly1]

Thanks for the info on *67 but I don't think he has caller id at work and he would not recognize the number either as its a line at my parents house that would not know.

 

And I know, after him IGNORING my text message on Christmas Day, I am not going to contact him at all. It was just a shock to me that he would do that. I think this past week has been harder for me because I am back near him and not at school where I am busy enough and far enough that I can think about other things.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

why is it you want to contact him anyway Butterfly1?

 

are you hoping to get him back or are you trying to be friends?

 

yes it is always harder when you are closer in location to an ex, hopefully your schooling will help you forget him

[Butterfly1]

I am in school for another 6 months and I don't think he is ready for a relationship. I just wanted to be civil...I just wanted him to know that I was okay and wished him well. I thought he would wish me the same and it be done with. It didn't even occur to me that he would ignore my text message. If I had thought that I would not have written that text message. I didn't know that his non reply would have that affect on me and thus I really regret it and now I am just angry at him that he could act towards me or anyone that coldly. I wasn't asking for an explanation, reconiciliation, etc...just courtesy. Obviously I still care too much if I am this angry now but I would think if any of my friends did that to me, I would be annoyed at them.

[lost_in_chgo]

Butterfly -

He's going to interpret everything you do as an attempt to reconcile. Which is what it is when you think about it. It's a gesture intended to provoke a response and try to further your agenda. He's not going to respond unless he really wants to and until then your gestures will push him away further. I did the same thing, so I understand, and I don't think what you did is really harmful, it just establishes that you are still out there, so he knows.

 

You need to stop making any overtures at some point and just leave it up to him.

 

I've been completely out of contact for over two months now, except for a status update email and a xmas card.

My feelings haven't changed at all, but I don't expect a response to anything and don't expect her to ever call me .

 

I've actually reestablished a friendship with a former girlfriend as a result of this, though I don't expect to pursue that as a relationship, it has helped me to get some perspective and she has been supportive and honest about her feelings now that some time has passed, so I have an honest answer from her at least as to why things went bad for us. Perhaps in time you will get that kind of contact going.

 

There are alot of reasons people breakup. In a short term relationship (3-4 months), it's just a function of time and just the way things go. Longer realtionships usually have more complicated issues likes kids, family, incompatibilities, growing apart, insecurity, or outside forces. None of which makes it any easier.

 

Some people look at dating as a sport and treat relationships the same way, they move on easily because they have developed that ability as a defense mechanism against getting hurt. Others take every relationship to heart.

Neither is wrong I guess, but I personally prefer the latter as I think really feeling something is better than constantly guarding against it. You are happier in the long run, but the cost of getting there is higher.

[Butterfly1]

I agree with you but I don't know how he would think that I wanted to reconcile since I live now a 2 hour plane ride away. I just thought we were beyond that point. I have broken up with guys before and whenever they have contacted me, I am always nice to them...unless they start asking to see me again, then maybe I would say I was busy or could not but I would never ignore anyone. Yes, we only dated four months but it was very serious four months and to me, it seemed like he broke up with me out of nowhere. Everyone thought we were perfect together and I guess i have just been pretty devastated since the end trying to understand why and every time hearing a different answer from him. He knew before we broke up that I believed when you break up with someone, it is over and you move on but he was the one who wanted the "friendship" and kept on telling me you never whats going to happen down the road. Very misleading but I tried to be the friend. Perhaps he just said that to make it easier for him but it would have been easier for me if we just ended things like I wanted.

[Butterfly1]

I found out that he went back to work today.....that means he got my email and choose not to respond. My email told him that I had to go back to the doctors every three months until it cleared (the HPV that he gave me)...and I wished him and his family a merry christmas. You would think that he would reply just to say something. I have to go back to the doctors because of something that he gave me. I just found his nonresponse so cold and I text messaged him again. Yes, I know it was not the most mature way of handling things but after everything, I just wanted to let him know that I think he is a jerk. My text message said "If you wanted to burn a bridge with me, you were successful. Didn't know you could be such a cold person and such a coward". I am angry now because how he is behaving now just shows me that he really never cared about me, how everything was just an act on his part, how fooled I was that when he told me he really cared and called all the time, that I was just filling in space in his life. I am disgusted at him that he could treat anyone especially me like this and I only feel anger now when I think about him.

[sarah12]

butterfly - You can walk away now knowing that you have said everything you need to say and do. I feel terrible that he is treating you this way. I wish things could work out better. I am betting though that he is scared right now of you! There is not much I can say this time..I am surprised that he is so unresponsive. However, you have to stop contacting him and pick yourself up. I know you said you don't like going to clubs/bars before but tomorrow is new year's, and everyone will be out on the town - so do your mind a favour and head out there and have some fun! I am going out with a few single girls, and some who are coupled up, but I plan on having a good time. I really need it and so do you. We have to start the new year fresh and leave the troubles of 2003 behind.

[Butterfly1]

I know, I know. I think just being back here so close to him and being the holidays has been hard for me and I just shocked that he could all of a sudden ignore me. At least now, I know i can't contact him again (pretty much can't if I would say that to him) and I know he is not going to contact me since i called him cold and a coward. I am just dissappointed now becuase i just feel so disillusioned by him and guys in general.

 

Yes, tomorrow night I am going into the city and going to New Years party that my friends friend is having. I plan on having a good time and hoping that next year, my love life improves. I have just never gone through the holidays before being so heartbroken as I am now. Hope all is well Sarah12.