Reconciliation?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

yes indeed Butterfly1 she does indeed have enough friends to go out for drinks with including her housemate who she always goes out for drinks with anyway

 

maybe recently she has spoken to her friends ( she always gave the impression that i was not heard off! ) and they have advised her not to go ahead with this ( she also mentioned how her friends thought i was the man for her and how lucky she was... on the night that she dumped me! )

 

i know she is worried about sending a false signal because she was really worried about meeting me after she broke it off , but since then she knows i'm not a psychopath, i think she asked me out because i did her a massive favor and she is just trying to be kind to me in return

 

you are perhaps right about the whole feeling and being close to somebody thing, there shouldn't be a timeline...

 

she said that "i have been friends with a guy before then hooked up and i know that won't work!!!"... trouble is we were lovers from day 1 and now she says she wants to be friends so i figure that analogy isn't right

 

she said to me that she would know whether after 4 months she could love me, i hope she did not treat our relationship casually, i certainly don't think she actually did

 

i will try and get on with my life, it was OK b4 i met her and well i thought i wasn't looking for somebody until she came along and then it was whammo

 

the day i told her how i felt about her ( 6 days after she broke it off ) and how fond i was of her she was absolutely beaming and she told me how fond she was of me too but "its never going to happen!!! " , well i don't think i can beat that or i don't think a woman can go back from a statement like that

 

as for your post Butterfly1 i will read it in full and try and see some sense and respond anyway i can, i know what u mean about telling people our true feelings ( well at least once ) and just maybe there is a parallel between our 2 experiences, as you say you were great together as were we and i can't honestly think of how better a relationship can possibly be, if one is hoping for more it has to be unrealistic and as you say perhaps my ex too "chose not to feel"

[Butterfly1]

When you are trying to be nice in return you don't ask the person out for drinks. You give them a small token of your appreciation. When you break up with someone and say you want to be friends, it ussually means an email here and there and maybe a lunch a few months down the road. If she does go through with this and sees you for drinks then it just has to be for something more besides friendship. I am not saying that she is going to be telling you that she wants to get back together but she at least has to be thinking about this. It just doesn't make sense. (as well as her statement of whether she could love you or not after four months). And yes, women (like men) can go back on their statements. Everything she said is based on "feelings" and feelings always change - thats a fact. Since emotions/feelings are not rational, how can they be consistent? When people get back together after a breakup, its because of feelings changed. I am sure she meant it that day when she said "its not going to happen" but she is entitled to change her mind.

 

I don't want to be giving you false hope but I just don't think she would be asking you for drinks if she was positive on being "friends" unless of course she is just being selfish - but from what you said about her not wanting to give mixed signals, then it doesn't sound like she is. ONly time will tell and if she calls you for drinks or not.

 

If her friends thought that you were the perfect guy for her, then it has to be her own issues (or if you were just coming on too strong which I don't think is the case). They might be also routing for you right now that she gets back together with you. There are so many sketchy guys out there she should be grateful to have found you.

 

If you get a chance to read my post (its just my email) it would be great but I am really doing better then I was a few weeks ago.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

my friend told me last night that my ex asked him back in September what she should get me for my birthday, she said that she'd love to get tickets for a concert on 2nd December, she then asked him did he think we'd be together then ( which turned out to be we aren't )

 

he told her he didn't think why not as we are great together

 

come to think of it my ex said to me about 6 weeks ago that she would have liked to take me but that "you don't just buy tickets for months ahead after just going out for a while"

 

it makes me now think that she did doubt our long term chances but just b4 she broke up with me she wanted to plan a holiday etc.

[Butterfly1]

I would not read into that too much. Even if I am crazy about the guy I still doubt the future as you dont know. The entire time this summer and early fall when I was dating my ex, I was always doubted (to everyone) that we would be together come 2, 3, or 4 weeks...and I was totally in love with him (never said it thought) I just think its hard to have that security that there will be a next month when you haven't been together for at least 6 months.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

ok maybe she was just being realistic or she was preparing herself for a break up all along

 

I on the other hand didn't think in that pessimistic fashion although i was afraid of us not working out and i told her that once after she told me she was 100% happy with me

 

I like you Butterfly1 didn't use the words as when you are older and get burnt a few times you are very careful not to say them and i sensed that it would have made her uncomfortable

 

the most i said was "i am growing very fond of you"... she didn't repay my compliment and 5 days later she broke it off

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i had a long talk with a good friend of mine tonight and being a woman she was all the more understanding

 

she reckons i am suffering from serious depression and anxiety because she went through it herself

 

she thinks I have many other issues which are fuelling this and its not just down to my breakup

 

she reckons i should seek professional help with either counceling or/and medical help

 

the strange thing is my exgirlfriend on the same night that she dumped me recommended that I go for counceling and she said i seem to have issues that maybe need sorting out, she explained how when she was having a traumatic period that she got counceling and it really helped her a lot

 

i have had a traumatic year overall with a parent dying and other family members all dying as well as a relative suffering from mental illness who i am very close too and who i used to live with

 

my friend tonight said that i have had too much this year and i have been pushed over the edge, she is really concerned about me as are my family

 

as i am due ( or maybe not! ) to go for drinks with my ex shortly as she requested should i tell her that i am seeking help for issues that i may have or should i completely not tell her and say i am doing great and i am moving on etc. etc. ?

 

maybe my issues that i may or may not have made her dump me as she doesn't need any more problems in her life?

 

what should i do?

[Butterfly1]

I am sorry to hear that you have been going through so much right now. I can only imagine how hard this year has been for you. I would do what your friend has advised. I think that everyone at some point in their life needs help like that to make it through a hard time. Its completley normal and can make everything a lot easier for you in the long run. I know a lot of people who have gone through therapy or other help and its been a great positive influence on their life.

 

You can tell or not tell your exgirlfriend depending on how close you were to her or if you feel comfortable or not. I am sure she really cares about you and only wants the best for you. Telling her that could show her that you are taking charge of your life and your happiness.

 

She mentioned that you get help the night she broke up with you? Were you ever depressed around her? Was it a reason for why she broke up with you? Maybe. I dated a guy for two years that I was really in love with but was also manic depressive and needed help. I kept on thinking that if I loved him enough or kept on trying to make him happy, I could make him better and he would get out of his depressions - but I realized that his problem affected me as I got depressed right along with him when I couldn't make him happy and couldn't make a difference. That, among other reasons, was why we eventually broke up. She might have broken up with you if she felt like she was being pulled down..I don't know how you were around her. Another reason, she might have felt pressure (on her own) to make everything good for you and could not and broke it off.

 

I am only speculating here. I am sorry you have been through so much. Losing a girlfriend like this, can only just make things harder. Please let us knwo you are doing alright.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

I think for the first time in my life i will seek help, before i always thought i could cure myself and have mostly been able in the past to do that ( or so i thought! ) , i may have issues going right back to my teenage years that maybe need exorcised that have became apparent this year

 

as you said it is completely normal and i shouldn't feel any shame

 

I am not sure i should tell her or not, she might think I am completely weak or as you say me telling her this could show her that i am taking charge of my life , she advised me to go and she is now a therapist herself who helps people with chronic problems so she might just see me typically as a client of hers and that is what put her off me ( although i am not in the same league as people she treats whatsoever )

 

i don't know what i shall do about that or whether i will even get a chance to speak to her anyway

 

i'm not exactly sure she cares about me much though, she told me lately that nothing was bothering her at all and she was fine, she seems or gives the impression to be having a great time while i am at the end of my tether

 

I was never that depressed around her although i broke down a couple of times telling her things i was worried about and she had to console me a couple of times and assure me i was going to be fine and that i didn't have a problem

 

she did mention that she thought i was suffering from mood swings and wanted to give me info on diet and alcohol to help me correct them

 

I don't believe i was pulling her down though, usually I am very jovial and had been the whole week she broke up with me

 

She had a few episodes of trauma herself around me and i had to console her too and assure her everything was going to be OK and i have helped her out big time in the last few weeks

 

thank you so much Butterfly1 for your responses , you don't know how much i appreciate your help

 

if your previous manic depressive boyfriend had sought help do you think you still would have been with him?

[Butterfly1]

If she is a therapist herself, I am sure that she does not think of someone else going for help, as a sign of weakness in any means. Some people just have massive problems or issues from the past that they need to work with another person to figure them out. Thats all. I think its far better to deal them out in a healthy way then to be taking them out in another more dangerous way. I mean look at all the people in the world with major drug problems or alcohhol problems or eating disorders - they are all dealing with problems in a bad way that will hurt them more. I really do believe that most people in the US get help or need help at one time in their life. You just don't hear about it as its not something that ussually comes up in conversation. I had even read that every person goes through a depression at some point in their life as well. Tell you exgirlfriend if you want to but only if you are comfortable or not. Just focus on what makes you happy and remembering the person you were before any of the bad stuff happenned.

 

 

Regarding my ex, I don't know whether we would still be together if he had gotten the help he needed. I think it would have made for a much happier and healthier relationship. Maybe. His depression episodes (and then taking out all his anger on me when he errupted) were the main reasons for our breakup. He was also my first love and I think I got a little too needy with him...that was another reason. Had we met a few years later and had he had gotten the help he needed, I think we would probably be together...but thats so many ifs that it is probably better that we are not. I have been able to date more guys since him and have been able to grow through each of these experiences. The last guy I dated - he made every guy, including my ex, look incompatible with me - but that didn't work out either!

 

There are so many people in the world and so many potential experiences that its not worth getting depressed for too long over one person. I actually think my breakup with my boyfriend of two years was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I cried for months and thought I would never stop loving him and never love again...but in time, my wound healed and I have been able to love again and make myself vulnerable. I still get hurt sometimes but at least I know now that if I could get over him, I can get over anyone...including the last guy..in time.

 

I just went on a major tangent there. Hang in there.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

I went for councelling today with a priest from my local chapel, he was very understanding and has been through hell himself and back

 

i told him everything that has gone wrong along with my past, he said i have been through terrible problems this year and its normal to feel the way i do

 

he said that the alcohol could have beena significant factor as well as my paranoia of alcoholism that pushed it too far with my ex girlfriend but he also said it could be many other issues as well ( too many to go into here )

 

he suggested that I spend a whole day and write her a long letter about exactly how i feel, how I fell in love with her and explain how i am getting help for myself for life to go on, he suggested i should say i want to be her boyfriend but respect her decision and that I will put in the maximum effort i can to maintain our friendship

 

this letter would contain no pressure or guilt trips or anything negative as I wouldn't write anything like that anyway and that i could keep my dignity by doing so

 

he said that just writing these things down will help me and that i don't necessarily have to send her it either

 

he also said that she was probably putting up a front with me telling me that she never thought about anything on her trip recently and that the breakup hasn't affected her in any way ( which is what i thought )

 

I was reserved about going today to meet for councelling but i'm now glad that i did it, i am still in depression though and he says there is no magic to cure that but that it doesn't work like that...

 

it was good to talk to somebody so understanding

 

he suggested that there isn't anything wrong with short term medication as I may have a chemical imbalance and that it really helped him, he said that it might get me over a hurdle so i can start to sort myself out again because the way i am now i can't really function at anything

 

he also suggested i do some charity work

[Butterfly1]

I completely agree. After every breakup I always write a letter to the guy - and then I think about it for a couple of days and then go back to it and I edit the letter more...and then think about it for a couple of days...and then edit it again. You will see if you do this that your feelings and emotions will be changing. Almost by writing it all out and letting myself feel anger, or hurt, I am able to deal with those emotions and move on. The email I sent to my ex last week started off as a 3 page letter. I sent it to him eventually as I did not want nor expect anything in return. I would not send anythig to her right away.

 

Voluteering is also good. Will let you feel good about yourself by giving to others.

 

Have to run now but I will write more later.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

I think I will write this letter Butterfly1 and maybe explain the councelling and treatment I am getting for some things in my life, a lot of what i said to her during our relationship was my paranoia and me telling her about these issues, she even suggested i get councelling while we wre going out together, I explained this in detail to the priest and he says she think she got scared and up went the self protective barrier

 

at least she will know exactly how i felt about her and that i am sorting myself out now

 

I'm not sure whether to send it sooner or later though

[Butterfly1]

If you send her the letter, I would send it two days after you wrote it. At least then you will have enough time to think about things and whats been going on and how you feel about her. Perhaps the priest is right and she got scared and put up the self protective barrier. That does make sense. I think she would be happy to know that you are talking to someone about this and probably also feel flatterred to know that you care for her as much as you do. But I would honestly wait a couple of days, give yourself a couple of days to write this and think everything through. You might feel something one day, and not feel it the next..feelings are always changing and sometimes by getting them out on paper, you can deal with whatever is going on inside.

 

I also think its a great idea to do some volunteer work. I think by giving to others you will be able to feel good about yourself and see the value you can add to others peoples lives. It will also show you how greatful you should be for everything you have in life. I mean I know its all relative but think about the poor people in this world who don'thave half the opportunities that we have...how greatly we should be for having our health and having people around us that care about us. There are so many people who have so many more crosses then us. Its not fair that some people suffer more then others but I guess thats just how life goes.

 

Congrats again on talking to someone. You should already feel proud of yourself for taking charge of your life. Hope all is well.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

my feelings haven't changed for her in the last 3 1/2 weeks, i can't get her out of my head

 

i do really care for her, i haven't told her this but she probably knows this as I did her a big favour which really helped her just 2 weeks ago, i did this because i care about her, i know she trusts me now and that I am not like her previous boyfriend who turned out to be a bit of a lunatic

 

i think getting my feelings out on paper will be exactly the same as my thoughts in my head and I doubt if they will be any different

 

i might leave the letter for a longer while though as she is supposed to be meeting me on Sunday night although i haven't heard from her in a week

 

I have had the idea of volunteer work for quite some time now, i just didn't get around to it

 

I'm glad I had the courage to talk to a councellor today, i'd recommend it to anyone, they can't always solve your problems but its good to talk to a trained councellor

[Butterfly1]

If it makes you feel better, then do it. As this is really all about you and getting back to happy person you were before. I wish your exgirlfriend would realize how special you are and how devoted you are to her. Honestly, that is something to be admired. If she had experienced a jerk boyfriend before then she should only appreciate you more.

 

I hope you hear from her regarding that drink next Sunday. Maybe you could tell her in person about what you are doing? (talking to someone that is)

 

I just posted in wecancope and I think it does make it easier knowing that you are not the only one going through a hard time right now. Its the bad times that make the good times that much better. Be grateful that you can actually feel and actually care about someone else. There are so many people I have met (and dated) who are either too afraid to care about someone else or too selfish to let someone else into their heart. The fact that you are capable, is really great.

 

Let me know how everything goes.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i received a phonecall from my ex this morning, she sounded very happy and casual and asked me what i was doing etc. and where i was out at the weekend, she also told me about where she was last night and how bad it was

 

anyway she called me to tell me that she can't go out tonight but will Tuesday so instead

 

i was quite surprised to hear from her, i did not contact her in 12 days and i thought if she didn't phone that i wasn't going to contact her although i would want to

 

so I said I would phone her on Tuesday evening to make arrangements

 

this friendship thing is going to be very difficult as I love the girl but I will try to make it work out

[Butterfly1]

I think thats great that she called. Good for you for not contacting her for 12 days. Its going to be 14 days tomorrow that I have not talked to my ex. I know how hard it is to not contact them when you really want to.

 

See how things go on Tuesday night. She sounds like she really cares about you or she would not ask you to go out with her. See how this "friendship" goes for a few weeks. You never know what can happen.

 

How are you doing in general?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i'm not doing too good, i have to go and see my doctor later

 

i'm really down and my concentration is diminishing, i feel a fuzziness in my head too

 

yes it was hard to not contact her as i always want to know if she is OK

 

i'm not sure if she does care about me, she probably does a bit but i feel she is repaying me for the good turn i did for her a few weeks back

 

so i'll try and do the friends thing tomorrow night, i am a bit nervous about meeting her but looking forward to seeing her at the same time

 

should i buy her a christmas present or give her a card?

 

do you intend to stay friends with your ex Butterfly1?

[Butterfly1]

No, I would not give her a present or a card....well, maybe a card if you want to. You have already gone out of your way and done things for her. SHe knows you care a lot about her and if you don't think she is going to give you anything, you also don't want to give her anything. A card is okay but not necessary. Even if she was trying to repay you for what you have done for her, she could still just ask you for coffee or give you a present. See how things go before you make judgements on why she asked you for drinks. Who knows, you might even see her and be okay with the friendship.

 

I would still like to contact my ex but I know that I can't. He knows how I felt about it and I know that if I contacted him, I would be sending a message to him that everything he has done and everything he has said to me is okay....when its not. I still go over in my head all the times we spent together and how I believed then that he really cared about me when he later admittted that he didn't think it was possible for him to develop strong feelings for me. How someone could spend so much time with someone else, all their free time with one person, tell that person how much they loved being with them and how great they felt around them when they never had strong feelings for them. I guess I spend so much time in my mind trying to make some sense out of everything, that what am I suppose to write him? I am hurt and I am still angry and if he meant everything he said, if it was really true, then I really never want to ever talk to him again and see him. I was suppose to write him last week and tell him the results of my colposcopy but I decided not to. If he really wants to know, he can email me again. So, to answer your question on if we will be friends, it really all depends on him. As of now, I don't think so.

 

When I am down I go shopping or I work out or I work out and then eat a lot candy. Maybe instead of buying her a CHristmas present, go out and buy yourself something. Remember, these down times are only temporary and they will make the good times that much better. At least, thats what i keep telling myself this Christmas.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

ok then maybe i will just get her a card, as you said I already have gone out of my way to do things for her

 

i also let her keep a lend of some of my possessions as I am currently not using them

 

i hope she doesn't bring the relationship up tomorrow night as I won't be, i just want to go and have an entertaining night if that is possible with my current mindset

 

as for buying myself something, hmmm i don't need anything at all and if i did i wouldn't even enjoy it at all

 

i am just back from the doctors, i told her the whole story, it is evident that i have been going through a lot of stress this year ( my break up wasn't just the cause of this but more like the last straw ) , my doctor has diagnosed me with clinical depression and suggested that i get treatment for 3-6 months to try and get me out of this hole

 

my doctor stated that this is a treatable medical condition and assured me that i didn't have any mental problems

 

i'm not sure about telling her about my meeting with the doctor, during our relationship I think she sensed that maybe i wasn't 100% all the time although i was usually in a good mood with her, i don't think i will

 

i think she would be understanding but then again i would only appear weak

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i know tonight that we will never be romantically together again, infact i really knew from her first words 4 1/2 weeks ago

 

i was out for a few drinks with her tonight which turned out to be good enough night and probably better than we expected

 

we talked and talked about everything but never asked for her back or anything, i told her that i was diagnosed with clinical depression and she listened and understood exactly as she went through it herself years ago, she knew what she was talking about alright

 

she knew i wasn't fine whatsoever when i told her that 2 weeks ago, she knew something was wrong, she was really glad i told her and it seemed to make her a bit closer to me, she doesn't regard it as a weakness whatsoevrer and infact she says i have strength to face up to it

 

she brought up the "friends" phrase very often so i know i am dead in the water regarding a relationship now

 

she seems completely fine with our breakup, i sometimes wonder if she ever felt emotionally attached to me at any level

 

she does like me and has invited me out for her birthday with others next week

 

i probably know this friendship will not last very long with me still being in love with her

 

i am trying 100% to make this friends business to work but i don't know of any situation where it has worked

 

i asked her tonight does she think we can remain friends for long and she said that yes until a time in life where we move on

 

if the writing isn't on the wall i don't know what is!!!

 

well thats that, i fully expected it but it doesn't make it any easier

[Butterfly1]

Well, I guess at this time she wants to be friends although I do think she has sent out some mixed signals. I know how hard that can be. When I went out with my ex over Thanksgiving I could tell he didn't look at me the same as he did when we were dating. It actually broke my heart more to be around him becuase I knew whatever used to be there, was gone. If you don't think you can handle the friendship now, then perhaps its best if you take a break from being around her. Remove yourself from her life for awhile so you can get some distance and some perspective on things and take control of your life. I think time and distance really does work in favor for everyone in break ups. Its hard in the beginning but I think it really does clean the slate so to speak. Then, when you feel strong enough that you are over her, you can make an effort to be friends and both of you can start over again -- you never know what can happen over time.

 

I am glad you told her about your depression and I agree with your exgirlfriend that its not a sign of weakness but one of strength that you are able to admit it and go for help for it. I can tell you that in six months you are going to feel like a different person. I hope your ex girlfriend realizes someday her mistake or sees you so happy and relaxed that she misses you and wants things to work out again Or I hope that you meet someone else that can love you as much as you love them. Perhaps now just isn't the right time for you but who knows about the future. If I am hanging in there, you have to too. You sound like a great person with a lot of offer someone. I know you will find what you are looking for.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Hi Butterfly1, i don't believe she sent out any mixed signals, she reiterated several times what she feels and wants

 

and no like you i didn't get the same looks as when we were a couple although she did make more eye contact as the night went on but this is normal between 2 "friends"

 

i think if i now break the "friendship" now that it will never happen in the future

 

it will take me a long long time to get over her, it took me nearly 3 years maybe more for my last girlfriend, this is unfortunately the way i am

 

i hope i am a different person in 6 months

 

i don't think my ex ever will think dumping me was a mistake, the fact is she doesn't want me and she will never want me either but i hope she did in the first place and that was the reason for our 4 month relationship and not just a friend for sex

 

not looking forward to the future

 

it seems like i am basically clinging to the scraps of the relationship whereas it just wouldn't matter to her about any of it

 

this is a bad situation to be in

[Butterfly1]

I think it will be harder for you to get over her if you try to remain in her life as a friend. For one, every time you see her, you will secretly hope that things will be different and every contact with her will set you back. Remember that guy I told you about that I dated for two years? We tried to be friends as well after we broke up and it just caused me more pain always hoping that something would change and always comparing every guy I dated to him. It was not until I cut out contact that I was able to move on and later on, we were able to be friendly towards each other. I am like you, I move on like a turtle when it comes to relationships. Some people say it takes half the time you date someone to get over them but for me its more like 2 or 3 times the time I dated them to move on.

 

If you try to remain her friend, you will always be that friend. Why not cherish the memories you have and move on instead of replacing them with friendship ones. And as a woman, I would not ask someone out for drinks that I recently broke up with -- even if I wanted friendship I would know that people dont' go from lovers to friends over night. I think she would be more happy to hear from you and see you if you went a few months without talking her as you work on yourself and own happiness. When she sees you later, she will see you differently and look back at what you had when you were dating.

 

And I do think you meant something to her. Four months is a significant length of time to date someone and the reasons why she broke up with you, might have little to do with you but maybe more with timing and her own issues. If she didn't really care about you she also wouldn't want you to be a friend of hers.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

yes you are right Butterfly1, as you say everytime i see her i fantasise about how she will look at me in that way again

 

it would seem like she can treat me like a friend right away ( is this is possible? )

 

yes i do remember the guy you talked about, it is funny how you say 'friendly towards each other' and not friends

 

can anyone ever be friends after being lovers?

 

yes it would seem 2 - 3 times the amount of dating time is about right for me too

 

so it seems like a catch 22 situation, we will never be lovers, 2nd best is having a friendship but i don't think i can...

 

if she told me about a new guy she had a one night stand with that would devastate me...

 

therefore we can see what is coming up

 

so you say i should distance myself for a long time, i'm not really happy about going to her birthday as it will be a meal then a nightclub.... things we did as lovers, although she asked me did i want to go tonight

 

she gave me a 'neutral' christmas card to and a small present, i didn't get her one but i wished her a good christmas and happy new year

 

she also mentioned me minding her pet a couple of times a week which i'm not sure i want to do

 

it seems she has went from lovers to friends overnight

 

she does seem to care about me as she listened to me tonight and offered that i can talk to her about it any time i need someone to talk to

 

Butterfly1 don't you feel you were sorry to ever start a relationship, they seem to cause me more pain and sorrow than happy times...

 

maybe that is a negative way of looking at it but it really seems like that sometimes