White Flower Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 I What does the Other Man, Married Man, Other Woman, Married Woman, do for YOU? Why are you in it? You know it's wrong... but you allowed yourself to form an inappropriate relationship with him/her, against your morals. This other person got you to drop your natural defenses because they were offering you something unique... what is IT? MM was once my Married Other Man but now I'm D'd. He makes me laugh, brings joy into my life, shows up when I need him, and we have a great sex-life. On again, off again for the usual reasons. Sometimes an A is all I need and other times I want more. Currently, an A is good for me, LOL. I know in the future I'll want more but for now, I'm in it because I enjoy it. Sometimes I'll confide in a friend that I think I need to end it and they tell me they'd kill to be in my shoes. Granted, most of them are unhappily married but they envy the smile I carry on my face all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 This is a very good question, that Athena has posted. I was the OM/MM and I knew what I wanted. All the pu**y I could have, any time I could get it.What the women received, I had'nt a clue. It was always easy for me to get women. As a matter of fact , it was easier to get women, than it was to get rid of them. Why did they keep coming back? Sometimes I would deliberately treat them like crap, but they came back all the same. I think that the sex was good, sometimes mind-blowing, but what did they see in me, that I couldn't see in myself? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 This is a very good question, that Athena has posted. I was the OM/MM and I knew what I wanted. All the pu**y I could have, any time I could get it.What the women received, I had'nt a clue. It was always easy for me to get women. As a matter of fact , it was easier to get women, than it was to get rid of them. Why did they keep coming back? Sometimes I would deliberately treat them like crap, but they came back all the same. I think that the sex was good, sometimes mind-blowing, but what did they see in me, that I couldn't see in myself? Perhaps it was too long ago for you to remember? I'm sure you could if you tried. Maybe you called them nice names, said they were beautiful? But mostly, women tend to form emotional bonds and forgive too much for their own good so that is why they kept coming back. That is what you couldn't see in yourself because it had nothing to do with you. It had to do with their neurological make-up. The great sex didn't hurt either:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Yes, but that still doesn't explain why they would take me back, say that I was the best thing they had ever had, and tell me how much they were in love with me. A few even left their husband's and families for me. I was such a bastard. I could see what I was, why couldn't they? Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Yes, but that still doesn't explain why they would take me back, say that I was the best thing they had ever had, and tell me how much they were in love with me. A few even left their husband's and families for me. I was such a bastard. I could see what I was, why couldn't they? Boldjack, people sometimes only see what they need to see at the time. I know for me, I needed to believe that my xAP was my soulmate. And I ignored SO many negative things about him during our A so that I could continue to believe that he was what I needed him to be. Don't be too hard on yourself. All of us here entered into A's for varying reasons. You were no more a bastard than any other AP. Link to post Share on other sites
Jacky Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 I gave my MW attention and communication which was lacking between her and her husband. He wasn't communicating or giving her attention. I was undestanding her from different views, she was able to share everything with me and I was able to give her advice. Companionship was given to her as well since the husband just can't seemed to be bother to make an effort anymore. The A started off emotionally and then it turned physical. She felt more "loved" when we made love compared to her and her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Compatability intellectually, emotionally and sexually. MM loves and treasures every side of me, whereas my exSO and I in many ways were incompatible. There were sides of the other that just were so incompatible, we could never come to terms with them, let alone love them. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 this is the hardest part for me to come to terms with. i cant understand how a man who loved me so much could suddenly turn it off and not care at all. BEG... one thing that happened to me was that once my affair "fog" lifted a bit, I started to be able to really SEE my xAP... I stopped making excuses for his behavior and I really started to evaluate him for all of his behaviors. And what I have started to realize was that he wasn't the person I believed he was. I needed so badly to believe that he was my "perfect match", so I focused only on his good traits. One of my biggest breakthroughs in therapy was the realization that the person who ended the affair so badly -- with indifference, without regard to my feelings, WAS actually him. For the longest time I couldn't reconcile how it ended because it was so inconsistent with how he behaved during our A. The man I knew NEVER would have acted like that. But, that WAS him. I think all of this is a process. Bringing your xMM down off the pedestal takes time. Yes, there's love there. But your xMM (like my xAP) cared more about saving himself than worrying about me. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 This is a very good question, that Athena has posted. I was the OM/MM and I knew what I wanted. All the pu**y I could have, any time I could get it.What the women received, I had'nt a clue. It was always easy for me to get women. As a matter of fact , it was easier to get women, than it was to get rid of them. Why did they keep coming back? Sometimes I would deliberately treat them like crap, but they came back all the same. I think that the sex was good, sometimes mind-blowing, but what did they see in me, that I couldn't see in myself? ______________________________________________________________ Yes, but that still doesn't explain why they would take me back, say that I was the best thing they had ever had, and tell me how much they were in love with me. A few even left their husband's and families for me. I was such a bastard. I could see what I was, why couldn't they? I don't know why they would come back if you treated them like crap. If that is true, maybe they had flaws within themselves that I can't explain. Maybe you purposely chose women who had these flaws and at the same time, most women are very forgiving anyway which isn't a flaw but a neccessary trait considering our social structure and the human battles we struggle with. Maybe you had other qualities that were worth putting up with the bad ones? Maybe they used YOU for the white-hot-awesome sex. I hate to turn the sex-using around on men but sometimes it is true. Most men will tell you it's hard to get sex. Well for women it is easy, but it's hard to find a good lover. If she's found one, she may put up with other crap in order to keep him around. That is my guess for your case since I have no experience in that area. And maybe you were charming? Were you charming more often than you treated them like crap? Describe the crap-treating. I'm curious now. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I gave my MW attention and communication which was lacking between her and her husband. He wasn't communicating or giving her attention. I was undestanding her from different views, she was able to share everything with me and I was able to give her advice. Companionship was given to her as well since the husband just can't seemed to be bother to make an effort anymore. The A started off emotionally and then it turned physical. She felt more "loved" when we made love compared to her and her husband. I suppose I should actually answer the question this time. He gave an ear, a shoulder, a hand to hold. He recognized me for who I was and reminded me often. He gave me hours of conversation and listened, listened, listened to me. He gave me exactly what I needed. If he was playing me he sure played me well because I was completely satisfied. Oh, I still am most of the time. I'd say I'm happy about 90% of the time or more. Never had such good odds when I was married, that's for sure. And let's not forget the white-hot sex! Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Well I don't know WF. You and I have talked a fair amount by Pm, do YOU think I'm charming? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Well I don't know WF. You and I have talked a fair amount by Pm, do YOU think I'm charming?Aw, you know I do BJ. You can also be curt and harsh but lovable nonetheless. But I am guessing that your charm and other good qualities outweighed the 'crap' that you doled out in the past. You know, sometimes I wonder if you never really saw yourself as a good man until you married your current wife. I know you love her beyond belief and is a great reason you are who you are today. Just maybe, you were that man all along and you never noticed it, even if your past OWs did. Just an observation. Also, maybe you were the only one who knew you were using them. Whatever you portrayed on the outside was convincing and perhaps they never noticed the 'crap treatment'? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 WF, I'm PMing you about this, I am really at a loss, and need some help. Link to post Share on other sites
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