Aksion Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Well, it's only been a little over a week and a half and I'm really quite over it. She was wishy-washy when we talked and going NC just honestly isn't for me. I'm going to give her a call tomorrow morning asking for her to meet with me so we can discuss how we are going to handle the situation. I'm not fighting to save our marriage nor am I going to try. She may not like that I'm going to push the issue but I don't care. I don't believe that after 5 years you "just don't know" or that "you're confused". Pick a side and stick with. I may seem impatient but I refuse to give her the power to play games with me. Wish me luck folks.
trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hi Aksion, I do wish you luck, but you may not get the answer you really want if you push the issue and meet her with a chip on your shoulder. Sincerity pulled my ex back in a couple of months ago (of course he said he felt sorry for me....putz), but he really didn't want to work on the relationship anyway. No sincerity this time, Limited contact....I admit that I have pulled the chip on the shoulder and asked what I could possibly do to change things (and even wonder if I really would want to). If the two of you are willing to work on it then you should discuss that, else I will give you the same advice my husband gave me the other night...."move on cuz I already have". We can't make people love us, we can only show them that we are worth loving. We can't fix them if they are "broken", but we don't have to put up with abuse or neglect either. And we can't change them, they can only change themselves. What we can do is change how we act in their presence, how we feel when we see them and how we see the good in them when they show it. I wish you luck and I wish you patience. Trippi
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I don't really know a lot about your situation but all I can say is good luck to you and I hope you get what you want in the end. Everyone at some point probably knows what it's like to have invested themselves into something that didn't work out. It sounds like she wasn't worth it though if you're the only one trying to save the marriage after 5 years. Good luck!
Author Aksion Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Well I decided to just go ahead and text her when I got home from the gym today and asked her if we could talk. She told me that she didn't want to talk tonight because she was busy and that we could talk sunday afternoon. I quickly shot back a text telling her I wasn't doing this over the phone and for her to meet me -- she agreed, albeit probably angrily, but I don't care at this point. My intentions when we meet are not to try and win her back -- rather tell her that she needs to make her decision now or never. I do love her, but I will not be either her back-up plan if there is another man, and I will not be here 6 months...or even 6 weeks down the road. I had every intention in the beginning to wait this out -- see where she went with it and ride that emotional rollercoaster wherever it was going to take me, but damnit, I'm not letting myself be treated like that. If she wants to work our marriage out while living at her moms, thats fine, I'm not trying to rush her home if she ACTUALLY wants to work things out -- however if she has no intent to do so, why should I bother with weeks/months of pain and suffering? Next update will be sunday night. Preparing for the worst until then.
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Aksion, Just familiarized myself with your story. The question I have is this, do you want her back or do you want her out of your life for good?? If you want her back, your playing the wrong card bud! Shes angry right now, very angry and working through her own issues. You say shes cold to you, thats her with her defenses up. When they leave quickly and unexpectedly like that, it's usually because they're afraid they will change their mind. Shes angry and thinks the worst of you right now, giving her an ultimatum is just going to reinforce that belief and push her further away, how do I know? Because I DID IT! and I"M DIVORCED!! If you want to show her you won't stand for this, do it with your actions, not with your words, because she isn't going to hear them the way you intend. The only way shes ever going to want to come back is to see that life was better with you, and that isn't going to happen until she experiences life without you for awhile. If that is what you want, wouldn't you want that last memory of you to be something positive??? or you giving her an ultimatum and pushing her over the edge? Lastly, your not saving yourself any pain, if you truly love her, it's going to hurt like hell no matter what you do. Bomb dropped for me in April, weve been divorced for over two months and a lot of days still, it feels like she just left. My Story if you want to know whats coming>> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192892/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198393/ TOJAZ
Author Aksion Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 It's not that I don't love her my friend, but she is playing with my head at this point. She knows that she has me just sitting in limbo waiting for her to decide what she wants to do. I would love for our marriage to be back on track, but how can I allow her to just control every aspect of this? Yes, I love her, yes I would love her to be back here with me, but she did leave me. I just don't understand what the hell to do.
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Shes going to control it either way, regardless of how you play Sunday. I would just do anything to manipulate the odds in your favor, and giving her an ultimatum is not going to do that. TOJAZ
Author Aksion Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 It's not that I'm giving her an ultimatum. I just don't want my life put on hold while she is out playing like she isn't married. Going completely NC with this woman is almost impossible. Sure I can avoid the texts/calls/email, but I can't avoid other aspects. I use Twitter/facebook for work. She is on both. I just feel helpless. We have spoke twice since she left and haven't seen each other once. Hardest thing ever.
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I don't believe that after 5 years you "just don't know" or that "you're confused". Pick a side and stick with. I may seem impatient but I refuse to give her the power to play games with me. Wish me luck folks. She has already made the decision to leave you, if you tell her to pick a side right now, which side do you think shes going to pick? It's not that I'm giving her an ultimatum. I just don't want my life put on hold while she is out playing like she isn't married. Going completely NC with this woman is almost impossible. Sure I can avoid the texts/calls/email, but I can't avoid other aspects. I use Twitter/facebook for work. She is on both. I just feel helpless. We have spoke twice since she left and haven't seen each other once. Hardest thing ever. Do you have to read her tweet or her facebook page for work? If your looking now, you'll be looking later. I still look. The fact of the matter is, there is nothing that is going to come out of this that isn't going to result in pain. If you push her away, it's going to hurt, if you decide to stand for your marriage and give her some space to decide what she wants, it's going to hurt. The difference is that one of those has a better possibility of a happy ending. Your going to do what you need to do for yourself, but demands and trying to take control of a situation you have no control over never ends well here. TOJAZ
delajoonal Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 These steps may give you the chance to TAKE control back and still be in limbo..BUT with you at the helm.. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) Thanks Dela! Just what i was thinking. Thats the 180, and it has worked in the past. Google "Divorce Busting" for more on it and also root through LS, it comes up alot. Special attention to... 24. Be patient 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 24. Be patient 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 24. Be patient 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 24. Be patient TOJAZ Edited October 10, 2009 by tojaz
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 These steps may give you the chance to TAKE control back and still be in limbo..BUT with you at the helm.. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! ETC, ETC, ETC How do you do these things when spouse moved out 24 days ago and can not observe any of these? HELP ...
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 How do you do these things when spouse moved out 24 days ago and can not observe any of these? HELP ... 24. Be patient 24 days isn't much in the scheme of things. Take some time to work on yourself and be ready with your knowledge of the 180 when the opportunity arises.
Author Aksion Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Well, last night I left her a message telling her we could wait to discuss things and to take the time she needed. This morning I awoke to a phone call from her saying that we could meet sunday to talk but she had nothing to say except what she has already said. She told me that she wants me to move on because she already has and that she is standing her ground on this one. Devastated -- yet sort of relieved, I told her that I thought she was being very selfish by doing such a thing after 5 years, but whats done is done and I'm not trying to change how she feels. Told her that I was happy that she showed me what real love was, and that she could come get the rest of her stuff today while I was at work and I didn't want to see or hear from her until she has filed for the D and she needs me to sign. Honestly, I'm hurt, yes -- but I feel sort of relieved knowing that I don't have to sit around and wait for her to make her decision anymore. She has obviously felt this way for a long time and I don't want to be with someone who feels like that. Thanks for all the advice and support -- but this one is done, now I've just got to get back out there and start again.
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