My story,

[tojaz]

O.K., heres my story. Me and my wife are both 30, no kids. We have been together for 12 years, lived together for 10 and married for 2. (yeah, I've been lurking for awhile).

 

Our life together has been a dream for me, and I thought for her too. A little over a month ago, during a petty argument she turned to me and said "I don't want to be married anymore"! This threw me for a complete loop, as just a few hours before, she had told me how much she loved me, and everything was normal. Our life together had been strong in all respects up to this point, lots of affection and sex and such, right up until that moment. I had mentioned to her that i thought she was spending too much time working, and i was under a lot of stress outside the marriage and needed a little more support then usual, but tried to express that to her in a healthy manner.

 

We tried to talk about it, but she had a very hard time expressing herself. To the point of having panic attacks and such. I probably pushed too hard, but each painful conversation would reveal another piece of the puzzle. She felt trapped, like I had pressured her to be a June Cleaver type of house wife and that I had a controlling personality. When all this was out in the open, I took a real hard look at myself, unfortunately a lot of what she said was right. I did see a lot of controlling in my behavior, a lot more then i would have believed before it was pointed out. I suggested counseling and purchased some books on the subject.

 

While this was going on, i found out that she was spending time with an ex behind my back. I found some E-mails and texts also. While there was some flirting and some discussion about our relationship, I don't believe it was a full blown affair. It was definitely an emotional affair, even though she won't admit it. When i asked her to stop contacting him, she just went to greater lengths to hide it.

 

About a week before our counseling session, she moved to a motel to "get some space" she said that our conversations are just too hard on her. I will admit, that I wasn't able to give her the space she wanted. I just couldn't get the other guy out of my head. So I called her a few times and went to see her once. I know this was the wrong thing to do. When our counseling session finally came around, she called the counselor ahead of time and told her that she was unwilling to make it work and just sat through the whole session in silence. She later told me it was because she didn't want the counselor to change her mind.

 

She has been out of the house for over two weeks now, but we still communicate. or I should say I communicate. That is only been faced with anger or a twist of everything I say and being belittled because I'm willing to show emotion in our conversations. She's gone completely numb most of the time, like talking to a zombie. Some times, I can get through to her, and she lets down her defenses and for a while, my wife is back. At that point she usually retreats, and makes a phone call for some support. When she comes back, shes even more determined then before and all goes to square one.

 

I'm not sure what all she's going through, but to be sure there is major damage done. At times it's almost like she's willing to come back to me, but always finds some reason to get behind her position, she thinks I'll use the fact she came back to manipulate her in the future or dosen't think things can be better, it's all very frustrating.

 

I realize this is long, but am very eager to see what everybody else thinks. I haven't given up hope for reconciliation, but she has hired an attorney and plans to file. I have hired one just to protect myself incase things get nasty. Should I give up, or keep fighting to the last breath. If I should fight, what is my next move? Everything I do just seems to push her away.

 

Thanks for listening

TOJAZ

[Cinnamon777]

I know it's painful to find out that the person you love is no longer loving you back. It does sound like your wife is ready to move on and end things. While it may have started with what seemed like a "petty" argument to you, it might have been the proverbial hair that broke the camel's back. Clearly it would seem that she has been bottling up her feelings for quite some time. Now that the things are out in the open about your admittedly controlling ways, she is not likely to want to go back without seeing some pretty significant changes. You could do counseling on your own to work on things, which will help you in the future even if it doesn't get the results you want currently with your wife.

 

She asked for space and you chased her. She moved out and you pursued. You have communicated to her... but have you listened or been quiet to notice her feelings?

 

I know it's tough, but if she has already hired a lawyer then her actions demonstrate that she clearly has no intention of trying to work things out. You can fight... but it will only push her further away. For the sake of a peaceful transistion, I would give her space. I would offer to listen if she wants to talk, but I would not try to convince her to see things your way (more controlling). You will get further being kind and thoughtful verses fighting for everything to be your way. That doesn't mean lay down and let her take you to the cleaners in a divorce, but be compromising and fair will helpt things to not turn nasty.

 

Best of luck to you... and keep posting here. LS has so many good and wise people.

[hopesndreams]

i thought she was spending too much time working

 

She felt trapped, like I had pressured her to be a June Cleaver type of house wife and that I had a controlling personality.

 

Putting all the blame of you for what she's been up to, and it isn't that she's been working overtime.

 

while there was some flirting and some discussion about our relationship, I don't believe it was a full blown affair. It was definitely an emotional affair, even though she won't admit it. When i asked her to stop contacting him, she just went to greater lengths to hide it.

 

We all believe our spouse is having an emotional affair and not a physical one...until we wise up.

 

she moved to a motel to "get some space" she said that our conversations are just too hard on her. So I called her a few times and went to see her once. I know this was the wrong thing to do.

 

How in the world was that a wrong thing to do? Your wife lived in a motel room for a week when you knew there was another guy sniffing around.

 

 

She's gone completely numb most of the time, like talking to a zombie. Some times, I can get through to her, and she lets down her defenses and for a while, my wife is back. At that point she usually retreats, and makes a phone call for some support. When she comes back, shes even more determined then before and all goes to square one.

 

She's in affair fog where everything is wonderful and you are getting in her way. She doesn't come right out and tell you yet because her plans aren't in place with the OM but when they are she will then tell you.

 

Should I give up, or keep fighting to the last breath. If I should fight, what is my next move? Everything I do just seems to push her away.

 

You can fight all you want but it's advisable not to at this point. She is in too deep with the OM and everything you say and do is not and will not get through to her....at this time.

 

Do give her the space she needs. Give her tons of space! Give her a taste of what she'll be missing. It's the only option you have right now. To continue on with what you are doing is only pushing her further away. This goes against what your heart wants but you need to use your brain right now.

[tojaz]

You could do counseling on your own to work on things, which will help you in the future even if it doesn't get the results you want currently with your wife.

 

I did just that. The counseling has helped me to learn a lot about myself, and come to realize some of the behavior she has mentioned.

 

She asked for space and you chased her. She moved out and you pursued. You have communicated to her... but have you listened or been quiet to notice her feelings?

 

I've done my best. They seem t be a jumbled mess to me. Sometimes sad and apologetic, other times angry and aggressive, sometimes even loving and friendly, hence my confusion.

 

i thought she was spending too much time working

Sorry, she works from home. If the laptop is within reach she can be working.

 

We all believe our spouse is having an emotional affair and not a physical one...until we wise up.

 

This may be true, I really couldn't say for sure, but why keep up the charade if she has nothing to lose. She has gone out of her way to hurt me and push me away at times, yet she knows that would do the job. It almost seems like shes expecting something from me.

 

Do give her the space she needs. Give her tons of space! Give her a taste of what she'll be missing. It's the only option you have right now. To continue on with what you are doing is only pushing her further away. This goes against what your heart wants but you need to use your brain right now.

 

Much easier said then done. I guess I'm just not strong enough for that yet. Then again, your probably right. I would just hate to have something happen in that time that neither one of us would be able to get over. Then again, there is no guarantee that hasn't happened already.

 

Thanks for the insight, TOJAZ

[seibert253]

Your wife is deep in the affair fog. Sounds like an EA has occurred and I hate to say it, but it's probably also physical.

 

As hard as it is, you may wish to consider going NC. Don't call her, text, nothing. She's calls, texts, do not answer. NC is a bitch because your first thought is to "show her your love" and change her thinking.

That's not going to happen. The only thing that does is push them further away. I think you've realized that.

 

You need to change her thinking about you, and throw wonder on her mind. "I wonder what he's doing now". "I haven't heard from X, I wonder if everything's OK". Things like that. Only one way to do this, NC. Hopefully this can plant the seeds of doubt in her mind. When and if she's ready to discuss your marriage, you'll know, but don't placate her.

The conversation goes something like this; I love you more than anything on this planet, but I cannot go on like this. If you want to talk about our marriage and trying to salvage it, we can. If you want to talk about divorce, I will, but other than this, I really don't have anything to say. Either work with me to fix this, or it's time to move on.

 

NC is the only thing that will speed the healing process if your marriage is done.

[TrustInYourself]

She thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Your current actions and mindset have only reinforced this belief. You are and have been controlling and by doing so, have validated her feelings that the marriage is a trap.

 

There are plenty of techniques to manipulate the situation in your favor, but they require absolute dedication and commitment to your own happiness.

 

First and foremost, stop stressing her behaviors and actions. Focus inward. Improve yourself and forget about her. Begin to learn. Begin to work out. Begin to turn this whole thing upside down, in your favor.

 

Right now, you are an emotional wreck because you are relying on her to save the marriage. It's not going to happen, buddy. She has some dude on the side capitalizing on every mistake you make. It's up to you to step back, give her space, and create consequences through personal revolution.

 

Stand up for yourself. She's cheating. If someone betrays you, you do not beg them for forgiveness. You take actions that say, I am better than that. You must accept the situation for what it is, even though she is incapable of doing so.

 

Right now, close her out. She's cheating, but that's her decision, not yours. You have to come to grips with the fact that you are completely powerless over her.

 

You have complete control over yourself, though. Use that to your advantage. Use this crisis to become a better person. Grow from this situation, for your own good.

 

So what about her? Does she value you enough to care about how you feel? If not, it's time to let go. Not because you want to, but because that's the first step in reclaiming yourself.

 

Let me know if you have any questions. I will hook you up.

[tojaz]

I've been reading alot about NC in here. Does it really work even if there is another guy around? It seems to me that it would just make the EA easier, or worse move it to the next step, if it hasn't already. Honest questions, I'm learning as I go.

 

Thanks for the post TIY. That is the best advice I've gotten in a while. I know it isn't what you intended, but I don't want to manipulate her into staying. It has to be because she wants to. I truly get the feeling that she is questioning the decision and thats why I keep fighting. If it's dead, it's dead, but if there is something that could be rekindled then I have to try. Or at least get some closure on the situation.

 

Thanks, Tojaz

[Gunny376]

When a woman decides to dump a man, she's usually already left mentally and emotionally a long time before she actually left physically. And regardless of the reasons, either real or imagined ~ there's generally no way in Hell of getting her back.

 

Nothing and Brother I mean nothing will work.

 

Talking, begging, pleading, imploring, chasing after her? Nope, nothing

~ not going to work Slick.

 

The more you pursue ~ the faster they run away ~ in the opposite direction, as fast as they can. Its basic natural instinct to run from something you perceive as a threat. And that's what she sees you as right now.

 

A threat to her freedom

A threat to her happiness

A threat to her peace of mind

A threat to her fairy tale romance with the OM

A threat to...............................

 

The list can be endless? And just as much of it can be just as imagined as real? Especially with there's another person involved.

 

Girls just want to have fun?

 

How did you get her in the first place?

 

That's right! You were fun to be with, to have a good time with. You were funny ~ perhaps a little cocky. She always had a good time when she was with you. Perhaps you made her feel special ~ but you certainly made her feel good about herself.

 

What generally happens in a relationship with women, be it marriage or otherwise ~ is the woman think she's finally found the real deal ~ to discover later that she's got some guy that complains all the time, is telling her what to do, when to do it, how to do it...........................

 

Or that he's weak-minded mentally and emotionally, immature, lazy, unambitious.

 

Generally when 'they're' gone ~ they're gone......................

 

And, there's no getting them back!

 

There's one thing and only one thing a man can do?

 

Let her go!

 

And when I say let her go ~ I mean let her go. Don't call her, contact her, send cards, letters, zilch, nothing, nada.

 

NC? Your become like a nuke sub under the Polar Ice Cap! Run silent and run deep? Not only is she thinking, "I wonder what he's doing? And why isn't he thinking about me? And who is he doing it with?

 

You get her to thinking you've must have fallen off the face of the Earth.

 

If you do get face to face with her, (especially if you get face to face with her) your nothing but 'shinin' and a grinning' like a mule with a mouthful of briar's!

 

Your the epitome of Mr. Positive Attitude, smiling, laughing, having a good old time everywhere you go. (Even if your dying inside, and as soon as she's gone you break down and fall to your knees crying your ever loving eyes out! )

 

Meanwhile you get busy ~ gettin' busy! Now is the time to get in shape, lose a few pounds, get that 'six-pack' back.

 

The Marine Corps PT (Physical Fitness) program is designed be done anywhere at anytime in the world with the a minimum of equipment.

 

When a potential recruit goes into a Marine Corps recruiting office, many of them are over-weight, out of shape, and never ran further than 100 yards. The recruiters give them a program that the Marine Corps has developed to get them in top physical conditioning with at least a year of going to boot camp.

 

My guess is that if you stopped by and asked for some business cards and offered to prospect for them and send them people their way they would give you a copy of that program, (its about the size of your hand and spiral bound)

 

Then when you get in shape? Go get a new up-dated wardrobe. Take a trusted female of your age with you, and drop a some serious bucks on some good quality clothes. Its doesn't have to be a lot, just the basics to begin with. Build from there. Start out with the basics, (Blue collared button up shirt, khaki pants, etc.) Don't skimp ~ buy quality. (Once I made the appropriate rank ~ I bought "Officer" quality uniforms that lasted me for sixteen years! Still have them!)

 

Get your @ss back into school and learn what works and doesn't work with women. Get to the bookstore and start reading!

 

I would start with "Brain Sex" which will go along way in helping you to understand the difference in how men and women think AND why!

 

Some other good titles?

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

 

"Why Women Need Another Pair of Shoes And Men Don't Have A Clue"

 

"How To Satisfy Her Every Time And Have Her Beg For More.............."

Clue? Its about "Anticipation" and "A Slow Hand"

 

"How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure"

 

"Light Her Fire" ~ Best $6 I ever spent on a paperback book!

 

"Romance 101"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To be Romantic"

 

"2001 Things To Do On A Date!"

 

I would also recommend you read Neil Strauss' "The Game" and then Carlos Xuma's e-book "Secrets of the Alpha Male" and "The Dating Black Book." When you do you will have an 'aha' moment and not only see where you went wrong in your current relationship but your every interaction with any woman you've ever meet in your life!

 

You see, society falls us on two main points, the two that count the most in our lives?

 

Personal relationships and personal finance.

 

Its not taught in junior high school, high school, college, anywhere?

 

I'm a finance major ~ never took a personal finance course? Because it wasn't offered? Not one damn course about how to properly buy a car, a house, what a rip-off credit card companies are? Zilch, nothing!

 

Same with being married! You say "I do" when what should be said is "Go for yourself! Your own your own! Good luck MutherTrucker!"

 

Now this all comes together in that once you find yourself going through the "Big 'D"" (and I don't mean Dallas) you find that financial decisions you made as a "couple" based on two incomes? Your now having to deal with "one" income.

 

Especially in this economy! Being a 'financial success' today means your happy @zz still has a job!

 

In a way? Being divorced/single is a blessing financially. Because you can finally work on getting out of debt, getting a years worth of income (Contingency/emergency fund put back ~ as well as money for coming property taxes, car repairs, (transmission ~ $4K. AC? $2K. Engine? $5K) Car replacement.

 

I highly recommend Mary Hunt's book "Debt Proof Living" and her website (which is paid website ~ about $2 a month)

 

In closing?

 

Do not! Do not! Do not! Contemplate ever filing for bankruptcy! I don't know ~ nor do I need to know your financial situation was, is, whatever!

 

 

They will call, they will harass the Hell out of you! Threaten you!

 

Just tell them!

 

"I told your @zz I was broke last week! I'm still broke, I'm paying what I can!

 

Find out what your state's statue of limitations are on credit card debt, and once you get past that date? (For most its three years, I believe Montana's is six?)

 

Tell them to kiss your @zz!

[tojaz]

Thats some tough but good advice Gunny. Unfortunately I have not quite given up hope just yet. UPDATE>>>>

 

She came home for a couple of days. When she first arrived, she was in zombie mode like I stated above. We talked (I talked) a lot. First about the divorce settlement, but the conversation turned to us( I don't remember how, but I'm sure I'm responsible). As the conversations went, more and more of the emotion seemed to come back. She cried and apologized, but never waivered from the BIG D. She did seem to be open to what i was saying. She had said things like " If I came back, I'd always be under your thumb because of what I've done"and "I couldn't deal with your family looking down on me after all this" I may be wrong, but this made me believe that she was having second thoughts, or at least open to the thought of reconciliation even if not completely sold. It was a glimmer of hope for me I guess.

 

My question is this.. Is there any way that I can dispel these concerns in her? She left the house again, I suspect so she couldn't be influenced or saw herself having doubts and wanted to remain resolute. I have made my decision to change myself for the better with or without her. I am just looking for some way to prove that I can so that I can have a chance. Like I said, it's just a glimmer of hope, but my marriage means a lot to me and I would at least like to know that I did everything I could to save it.

 

TOJAZ

[Mr. Lucky]

She left the house again, I suspect so she couldn't be influenced or saw herself having doubts and wanted to remain resolute.

As hard as it is Topaz, you're never going to work through this until you face the truth. She left the house so she could see her OM. You're being played and your feelings for her are being used to manipulate you. As others have said before me, best thing for you to do would be to go NC until and unless she shows a willingness to commit to working on your marriage. I'm sorry as I know it's not what you want to hear but you're only risking more heartbreak by enabling her current behavior...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

There's no fixing this!

 

It takes two very dedicated and determined people to make a marriage work?

 

But only one to break it!

 

The time, effort, energy and money you expend on getting this "one" back would net you ten others that would appreciate what you are and what you've got to offer.

 

She's got it in her head that your manipulative, controlling, ..................whatever?

 

She's sold herself that your this and that, and your not this and that, and you will never change, and give her whatever the Hell she's looking for?

 

She's sold herself on the fact that the OM has the 'goods" and will deliver.

 

Your going to have to let her 'crash and burn' to find out that this @zzhat is just out for a piece of @zz! And that life out there in la~la land isn't so pleasant and sweet.

 

That's why you've got to NC BIG TIME!

 

You've got to let her suffer, go through some misery, problem solving on her on.

 

You've got to give her the gift of "missing you" and let her deal with real life promblems in real time.

[TrustInYourself]

Thats some tough but good advice Gunny. Unfortunately I have not quite given up hope just yet. UPDATE>>>>

 

She came home for a couple of days. When she first arrived, she was in zombie mode like I stated above. We talked (I talked) a lot. First about the divorce settlement, but the conversation turned to us( I don't remember how, but I'm sure I'm responsible). As the conversations went, more and more of the emotion seemed to come back. She cried and apologized, but never waivered from the BIG D. She did seem to be open to what i was saying. She had said things like " If I came back, I'd always be under your thumb because of what I've done"and "I couldn't deal with your family looking down on me after all this" I may be wrong, but this made me believe that she was having second thoughts, or at least open to the thought of reconciliation even if not completely sold. It was a glimmer of hope for me I guess.

 

My question is this.. Is there any way that I can dispel these concerns in her? She left the house again, I suspect so she couldn't be influenced or saw herself having doubts and wanted to remain resolute. I have made my decision to change myself for the better with or without her. I am just looking for some way to prove that I can so that I can have a chance. Like I said, it's just a glimmer of hope, but my marriage means a lot to me and I would at least like to know that I did everything I could to save it.

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes, there is always hope. What do you want? Do you want her back? Are you willing to forgive her? If yes, then the answer is very simple.

 

Inform her simply once, and finally, that you are willing to forgive her, but not forget. Just a simple statement, once.

 

The ball is in her court. The impetus is on her after that.

 

Your job afterwards, is to cut her off completely. No money, no texts, no calls, no visits, no affection, nothing. Do not talk to her at all, unless it's about children or the business of divorce. Your tone with her should be like a work associate. No emotion.

 

Resist all temptation to contact her.

 

This serves to allow your heart and mind to heal and to force yourself to focus on the future and things that are within your realm of control, which is your life. You have the power to change everything in your life. Use it.

 

In so doing, you begin to create consequences for yourself and her that can bring about change.

 

My earlier statements, were on manipulating the situation, not her. When you wear your seatbelt, you are manipulating the situation to your advantage in the event of a crash or collision. When you study for a test, you are manipulating the situation to your advantage so that you excel.

 

This is your life's test. It's time to see if this makes you, or breaks you. Play it to win.

[seibert253]

Yes, there is always hope. What do you want? Do you want her back? Are you willing to forgive her? If yes, then the answer is very simple.

 

Inform her simply once, and finally, that you are willing to forgive her, but not forget. Just a simple statement, once.

 

The ball is in her court. The impetus is on her after that.

 

Your job afterwards, is to cut her off completely. No money, no texts, no calls, no visits, no affection, nothing. Do not talk to her at all, unless it's about children or the business of divorce. Your tone with her should be like a work associate. No emotion.

 

Resist all temptation to contact her.

 

This serves to allow your heart and mind to heal and to force yourself to focus on the future and things that are within your realm of control, which is your life. You have the power to change everything in your life. Use it.

 

In so doing, you begin to create consequences for yourself and her that can bring about change.

 

My earlier statements, were on manipulating the situation, not her. When you wear your seatbelt, you are manipulating the situation to your advantage in the event of a crash or collision. When you study for a test, you are manipulating the situation to your advantage so that you excel.

 

This is your life's test. It's time to see if this makes you, or breaks you. Play it to win.

 

Agree 100%

[tojaz]

Thanks again TIY. I do want her back, and I am willing to forgive, as long as she can be honest and make a commitment. She says she wants to find herself, which I think I can understand. As long as she stops finding the OM! She actually contacted me this weekend and we had a decent conversation, but nothing that indicated reconcilliation, but still a fairly healthy talk. Unfortunately now we are back to where we started. She says she might be open to counseling so i left the ball in her court and told her that if she makes an appointment I'd be there, but she had to make the call. I'll give her some space, go NC or whatever and see what happens. In the mean time i'll keep working on myself and just try and take it day by day.

TOJAZ

[LucreziaBorgia]

She is still with OM. Everything you post about her indicates that. What you see as the half full glass, clearly is a half empty one rapidly draining.

 

I would not consider any sort of reconciliation until she comes clean about the affair, and dumps the OM once and for all. There is more to it than you realize or want to accept. I would let her know that you are ready to reconcile and rebuild the marriage as soon as she agrees to submit to a lie detector test and go over the results in counseling, and goes complete NC with OM - to the point where she will be monitored daily to make sure that has happened. She has to earn the right for privacy now.

 

If she waffles or says or does anything besides agreeing readily, you can bet that you were seeing only the tip of the iceberg. A lot of times when a betrayed spouse sets up the appointment, the wayward spouse will spill everything before the appointment even happens. Why? Because they realize they have reached a point where they cannot lie anymore, and it will be proven so. May as well spill.

 

I would not go forward with her until this happens.

 

If she refuses, and waffles on reconciliation then go ahead with the divorce and don't look back. At that point, there is nothing to salvage.

[tojaz]

I agree with a lot of that. While I have read a lot of evidence here to the contrary, I still believe that it was an EA and nothing more. I am not blind to the fact that I may not be allowing myself to accept reality and that may very well be true, but I'm going with my gut until I find out otherwise. The OM is a big problem for me obviously, but for her there are a lot of other things at play. She knows that I probably couldn't live with the fact that she slept with someone else, so if she wanted out this bad, coming clean would have been the easiest way to go about it. I was served last night, so this is almost surely going to happen, why would she lie now anyways? she certainly isn't trying to spare my feelings.

 

I asked her to make the appointment because it would be a sign of commitment. She has already backed out of counseling once, I don't want to go through with that again. If this really isn't salvageable I at least hope that what ever counseling would uncover would provide me with some closure to make it easier to move on and have a healthier relationship with somebody else.

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

I agree with a lot of that. While I have read a lot of evidence here to the contrary, I still believe that it was an EA and nothing more. I am not blind to the fact that I may not be allowing myself to accept reality and that may very well be true, but I'm going with my gut until I find out otherwise. The OM is a big problem for me obviously, but for her there are a lot of other things at play. She knows that I probably couldn't live with the fact that she slept with someone else, so if she wanted out this bad, coming clean would have been the easiest way to go about it. I was served last night, so this is almost surely going to happen, why would she lie now anyways? she certainly isn't trying to spare my feelings.

 

I asked her to make the appointment because it would be a sign of commitment. She has already backed out of counseling once, I don't want to go through with that again. If this really isn't salvageable I at least hope that what ever counseling would uncover would provide me with some closure to make it easier to move on and have a healthier relationship with somebody else.

TOJAZ

 

It truly depends on your position, on how comfortable you are with your part in the end of the relationship.

 

An affair is an affair. Physical or emotional, it's all cheating. Why worry about the details? It's just fuel to the fire of emotions. Why feed that fire, unless it serves to help you detach or move forward with life? If that knowledge negativetly impacts your decision making and the ability to think clearly, then it is useless.

[Jonesey]

If she is still with the OM and had you served, it is over. You need to get up and get an attorney, ASAP! Many dumpees never see the importance of protecting themselves because the emotional fog prevents them from doing so. If you continue in this fog and do not put up a fight, this could effect your financial future for a very long time.

 

Get out your feathers and warpaint, prepare for battle!!!!!

[tojaz]

Thanks folks. TIY i'm not clear on what you mean by "my position". I have come to grips with the fact that my marriage is almost surely going to end and can see the problems that I have contributed to the breakdown. I'm not comfortable at all with the outcome though. I have made the decision to better myself and have started the process without her through a lot of self exploration and IC. Even now though, I believe that our marriage can be repaired if she would just be willing to try. I guess I'm saying that I'm prepared to move on, I just don't want to.

 

Jonesy, I'm not positive she is with OM anymore. She has said that she hasn't spoken to him in days. I haven't bothered checking up on her anymore, whats the point. Every time I caught her in a lie she just became a better liar, why put myself through that all over again. If she wants to be with him she will, my knowing couldn't change anything even before the BIG D, why would it now. I have spoken to a lawyer and we talked about how to protect myself. My STBX doesn't seem to want any more then I feel she is entitled (legaly) but the attorney has my info should the proposal be different then her words. My wife isn't really the kind of person to do something like that, but then again she isn't really my wife anymore so I'm playing it safe.

 

I was amazed at the similarity between my story and KTM33's http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=186953

While his was not as abrupt as mine was, It only took a month from I'm unhappy to being served, the way his wife had acted almost mirrrors my own. Reading his posts and the replies haven't given me much hope, but have revealed what lies ahead. Good times for me

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

Are you civil? Does she entertain working it out with you? Is she willing to cut off the affair? Is she willing to give full disclosure? Is she angry or reasonable with you? Does she respect your wishes and what you want and say? Does she listen to you? Is it over? Are you willing to forgive her?

 

All those play a part in your plan of action.

[tojaz]

Thats the tough part, it depends on which version of my wife I'm speaking to.

 

We can be civil, I try to be but sometimes the emotions get flared up. She sometimes has a lot of anger and lashes out almost uncontrollably, saying extremely hurtful things, almost in a deliberate attempt to bring me down.

 

She sometimes talks about working it out, but not very seriously. She always has a different excuse as to why it is destined to fail, yet she tends to dangle hope in front of me, just to keep me in the fight. Brutal

 

She will not admit to an affair, or even that an EA exists, but yes I'm almost positive she still contacts him.

 

Her mood swings drasticly. Sometimes ferociously angry and other times reasonable and almost sweet.I don't believe I'm getting full disclosure, but she swears that I am.

 

She dosen't respect my wishes.

 

She does seem to listen to me.

 

For me, it's not quite dead yet. Even though it gets easier every day that shes gone.

 

I am more then willing to forgive her, on the basis that she makes a real commitment to me that she will hold upher end in making it work, and NC with the OM, period!

 

I haven't gotten a reply about going to MC yet, I'm hopeful. I kind of get the feeling that she would just be going to appease me. Can MC still work if that is the case??

 

Thanks TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

Thats the tough part, it depends on which version of my wife I'm speaking to.

 

We can be civil, I try to be but sometimes the emotions get flared up. She sometimes has a lot of anger and lashes out almost uncontrollably, saying extremely hurtful things, almost in a deliberate attempt to bring me down.

 

She sometimes talks about working it out, but not very seriously. She always has a different excuse as to why it is destined to fail, yet she tends to dangle hope in front of me, just to keep me in the fight. Brutal

 

She will not admit to an affair, or even that an EA exists, but yes I'm almost positive she still contacts him.

 

Her mood swings drasticly. Sometimes ferociously angry and other times reasonable and almost sweet.I don't believe I'm getting full disclosure, but she swears that I am.

 

She dosen't respect my wishes.

 

She does seem to listen to me.

 

For me, it's not quite dead yet. Even though it gets easier every day that shes gone.

 

I am more then willing to forgive her, on the basis that she makes a real commitment to me that she will hold upher end in making it work, and NC with the OM, period!

 

I haven't gotten a reply about going to MC yet, I'm hopeful. I kind of get the feeling that she would just be going to appease me. Can MC still work if that is the case??

 

Thanks TOJAZ

 

Ok, compartmentalize your feelings.

 

Read "Divorce Busting", by Michelle Weiner-Davis.

 

There is only one course of action to make it through this. Accept you have no control over her actions. Support her decision fully, the ultimate pinnacle of love.

 

Let her go.

 

That seems counter to everything you are feeling, but you have no choice here. You continue to fight her, you destroy any chance you have.

 

You want her to chase you? You have to run away.

 

Start moving with actions that display you have accepted her decision. Be calm, assertive, positive, and do not question her decision. Just smile and keep taking actions to move on.

 

NC or LC is a good start. Every argument destroys another piece of the fragile puzzle you are trying to put together. Just say ok.

 

I know this advice blows your mind. It will create two situations.

 

One, she realizes her mistake on her own and decides to work on it.

 

Two, she leaves you, which she is already doing, except you are in a better emotional, physical, spiritual mindset to accept and get through her decision.

 

I've been where you are. I've been separated and I reconciled, so far sucessfully with my wife after a year. All other advice on here is from people who divorced. Who is happier? That's debatable. You choose to be happy. Happiness is self-created. Positive mindset is key.

 

Hit me up with PMs if you have questions.

[tojaz]

Thanks again TIY. It's nice to hear that somebody was able to reconcile. Far too much doom and gloom for me. I can be realistic about my situation, but a little hope never hurt anybody either. Was your situation similar to mine? Is it posted on LS? I'd love to read a success story for a change.

 

I'm going to follow your advice. It does seem wrong, but It's out of my hands anyways. I'm also going to see if I can find that book. You say support her decision? Wouldn't that just make it easier for her to leave? I'm not fighting the divorce legally, when it's done, it's done. I just hope it doesn't have to come to that.

 

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

It's here in bits and pieces. I sometimes forget that people do not know my history. I have quite a few gems of advice in here that get watered down over time.

 

What about this situation does make sense. I can tell you this. I went through hell. I would sleep 2-3 hours a night. I worked out constantly just to relieve stress. I read books about every facet of relationships in my spare time. I went out with friends. I made an extreme effort to improve myself in any way I could.

 

Marriage forces you to compromise. I spent 6 months trying to reclaim the person I was before my marriage.

[tojaz]

TIY, I went back and read your threads. I could actually see the progression as it happened. While a terrible situation, you emerged a better man for it. Congratulations, I only hope that i can be that strong, it seems impossible now.

I bought the book you mentioned. Actually stayed up all night reading and I'm almost through it. Where was this a couple of weeks ago when she was speaking to me. I wish she would read it. Her biggest fear is that we cannot make it work. This book shows exactly how we could make it work if she would only be willing to give it a try.

 

There is so much at play here, that i don't know if we can reconcile successfully, but I'm doing all I can. There is too much at stake for me to do anything else. I have been going through hell while it seems almost easy for her, like we meant nothing in our time together. I guess that makes it easy for her, or maybe not, who knows.

 

I am working on myself. Coming to grips with being alone and even spending time socializing a little and doing some of the things i used to like to do on my own. I am exercising more, reading more, and learning a lot about myself. I'm almost glad this happened in that respect, although I still want her in my life more then anything. I will continue to improve myself if she is in my life or not. I have already made that decision and plan to stick to it.

 

I don't agree with trying to reclaim the person you used to be before marriage though. Marriage changes you and changes you forever. Whoever emerges from this dark pit, married or divorced will be someone new. Taking the best of what was and adding all that i have learned. Hopefully to be a better husband, but surely to be a better man to myself and those around me. That is my goal at least.

 

Sorry for more rambling. Today has been a bad day for me, and just needed to let it out a little.

 

TOJAZ