Tips for No Contact

[CarbonCopy]

if you are not sure if it's a good idea i wouldnt do it. Maybe u're not ready for this "just talk" thing, maybe it would be better wait a bit longer until ur healing process is complete or at least stronger within you. Hang in there, wait. you wont regret.

 

I'm definitely not ready to "just talk" with him right now -- no way! I'm still not over him by any means. I was thinking in a few months when (hopefully) he'll be out of my mind.

 

CC, one thing I can guarantee you... you will NEVER be satisfied with how it ends. I felt the same way for so long. I kept bugging my AP because he never answered so many questions for me. I kept telling him that based on what we shared, it needed to end "better". I wanted closure.

 

At one point he gave me exactly what it was that I thought I needed to hear. One time my therapist, who knew I was fixated on this "closure" thing, had me write down exactly what I needed him to say to me. And during one IM session with him, he gave it to me. It was almost funny. It was like he read my script.

 

And guess what? It still wasn't enough. I realized that when these things end, you keep reaching for "something" to make you feel better. You may think that you'll feel more settled if you get the answers to your questions, but in my situation, it did nothing to help. It was more proof that I held the key to the closure for myself, he didn't.

 

I would say it's not worth it. If you've maintained NC for a long time, it might just end up setting you back and bringing up old wounds. And you're taking a big chance that he will be willing (or even capable) of explaining his feelings to you. That's a big IF.

 

NTH, I'm so sorry for all your pain. You're completely right that, even if we do meet to talk, I still won't be satisfied. I mean, he was never even able to give me a good reason as to why he was cheating. I asked him this question several times in the beginning of our relationship and eventually he gave me a few reasons, but I suspect he just gave me those reasons to get me to shut up about it already. He's not one to talk about his feelings much.

 

But I just feel that I have things to say to him that I wasn't able to say due to being so shocked at the breakup (if you've read my story, it was a phone call that went from him to wanting to see me to breaking up). Call it closure, whatever, but I feel that if I'm able to talk to him, then it'll be easier for me to move on and get over him.

 

But I don't know. My wounds are still too fresh right now for me to talk to him. I have a date tonight with a great guy and yet I was sobbing before over my MM -- what gives? So obviously I'm not ready yet for any kind of "talking." It's hard enough just SEEING him once a week.

 

Thanks for the advice! Hope you're doing ok.

[Devil Inside]

NTH and DI there must something going on in the universe because I am feeling like contacting my XOM and I know it will make me feel even more pathetic about myself. I CAN'T do it. Someone please remind me why this is so important.

 

My marriage continues to suffer which makes me think of XOM and miss him TREMENDOUSLY. I really miss him and these feelings have gone on too long now. I seriously need help.

 

Please remind me of why NC is a good thing. This hurt is not going away with time. It lessons but does not go away. I feel like I am going to be this way forever. Forever missing my OM.

 

This has turned into a support group...lol.

 

OK here are some reasons why you breaking NC would suck.

 

1. It would rip off that scab...what little better you do feel (and it is better think back) would be lost and you would be back at square one.

 

2. He doesn't deserve you.

 

3. You deserve better.

 

4 He will not make you feel better...only dealing with your own issues will...can you see how it helps you avoid your marriage by thinking about him.

 

5. Because if you do you will have to come here and do the post of shame...and we will let you have it...and then give you support and love..but first tough love!

 

Hang in there LD...sorry I caused such a chain reaction.

[Devil Inside]

WOW! You have NO idea how badly I needed to hear this! Right at the very moment! I am struggling today... I am walking around "weighing things" in my head. Trying to convince myself he still wants me because he still responds to my emails, says little things that tell me he is quite jealous, tells me he still doesn't know "what the future holds" with his M... all of these things give me hope. FALSE HOPE.

 

But still the urge is there, the habit. I still love him, plain and simple. And knowing he still loves me makes it worse. He's a strong man, has to be in his line of work... He has told me that professionally, give him a disaster or a fire and he will organize and handle it... the bigger the mess the better. But when it comes to us... weak.

 

So today is a bad day for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Please, someone just tell me to STOP contacting him all together. Let the chips fall where they may. I can't engineer a breakup, and would I even want to? Let him live his life without me for once. I don't think we have gone more than 24 hours in over 5 months without talking, writing, texting, SOMETHING. Maybe I just need to let him wonder for a change... not so much because I need him to miss me and come back, but just to feel what its like to be ME for a while. Because IT SUCKS.

 

 

WRITE THAT LETTER ALREADY. He may be a great guy..but he is not available. Until you move on nether will you. He is keeping you from your happiness. He is your obstacle. Visualize that....now get past that obstacle...go to your happiness.

[Devil Inside]

Recently I've been having thoughts about meeting with MM one night just to talk -- about the breakup, about things left unsaid, etc. I wasn't satisfied at the way it ended. I just feel how it ended wasn't right. It felt so incomplete and it was so out-of-the-blue. I just want to TALK, but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

 

Listen to your gut. Like NTH said...it is NEVER enough. There are no answers that would help. If you still want to see them you want them...not answers...and you will only get answers...and those will lead t more questions.

 

I had the best closure conversation with my xOW. We answered all questions. Were really loving. It was everything I wanted. Then I thought...that went great...maybe we should be together...we love each other so much...never ends.

[I Miss the Kiss]

But I just feel that I have things to say to him that I wasn't able to say due to being so shocked at the breakup (if you've read my story, it was a phone call that went from him to wanting to see me to breaking up. Call it closure, whatever, but I feel that if I'm able to talk to him, then it'll be easier for me to move on and get over him.

 

It amazes me how similar a lot of our situations are here. My xMM went from begging me to come see him (i.e., SEX) on a Friday evening (I live 4 hours away, had gone to see him the prevous weekend) to TEXTING me on Sunday telling me he was commiting (again) to his M! I did not go see him on this Friday, by the way. Thank goodness!

 

Such a nice guy.

[Devil Inside]

It amazes me how similar a lot of our situations are here. My xMM went from begging me to come see him (i.e., SEX) on a Friday evening (I live 4 hours away, had gone to see him the prevous weekend) to TEXTING me on Sunday telling me he was commiting (again) to his M! I did not go see him on this Friday, by the way. Thank goodness!

 

Such a nice guy.

 

You see how he can't even decide what he wants?

 

Time for you to make the decision...what do you want?

 

Can he give you that?

 

What do you have to do to get that?