Is xMM's behavior holding up to his "commitment"?

[NowhereToHide]

Wow, this should be in the Infidelity Forum.

 

I think it is the main reason for most affairs - validation for an insecure soul. We all have insecurities. I don't know why its such a horrible thing to admit that or have someone tell us that obvious truth.

 

But I do disagree with one thing, and this is why it should be in the Infidelity Forum so we can "dissect" it some more. LOL.

 

I do not believe that the person that is revealed from the MP is the actual person that they are. Its their idealized self. Not the self that they actually are or even their best self.

 

When my H was in his EA, he likely felt the same. And in my charming way (LOL), I told him he was lying to himself, to look around and see what his "idealized" self managed to do to his life and family. He took a good look around and found that he had snapped on our children enough that I had to confront him in front of them and they knew it was unacceptable behavior. He job performance was the worse it had ever been. He wasn't in danger of being fired, but he had performed at his lowest ever in 10 years on that job. And I was not at all fond of this ultra-selfish person who was basically getting his ego stroked by someone else when he had responsibilities that I expected him to keep up with and he wasn't holding up his side at all.

 

No offense to anyone with this analogy, but children think they are the bees' knees too. Yet, they have a lot to learn.

 

 

I agree with all of this. I was NOT my best self at all while in my A. I ignored my kids, ignored my husband, let my house go... I was unbelievably selfish. All I could think about was my next email/text/call from my AP.

 

And you might be right about the idealized self. I'll have to think about that some more.

 

I think what DI and I were referring to was how our APs were able to see the attractive, good, exciting parts about ourselves that our spouses had long ago started to take for granted. It was all about having another person tell you are beautiful to make you think... "hey, I AM beautiful". And so on.

 

I've realized that my H and I stopped seeing each other long ago. We started focusing on everything else BUT us. So, it was all of a sudden having someone come into my life who SAW "me" again.

[NoIDidn't]

I've realized that my H and I stopped seeing each other long ago. We started focusing on everything else BUT us. So, it was all of a sudden having someone come into my life who SAW "me" again.

 

I agree with this too. And even moreso.

 

Its true. Usually when one of the spouses has made a decision to violate the marriage, they have both stopped seeing each other and are taking each other for granted (or one of them has always taken the other for granted and never really appreciated them either).

 

And the analogy about children still stands. We can't raise happy, confident children if we fail to acknowledge the good in them.

 

Both observations are really good, IMO.

 

Idealized self, not exactly maintainable or even all that idealized. Yet, it reminds you that you do have good qualities that you want acknowledged and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I reminded my H about how lazy he was for a year. I wasn't surprised at all that he had found someone that reminded him that he was not nearly as bad as I made him feel.

 

Great point. I hope your H remembers you as the beautiful and desireable (not just sexually) woman that he wanted so badly that he married her.

[NowhereToHide]

I agree with this too. And even moreso.

 

Its true. Usually when one of the spouses has made a decision to violate the marriage, they have both stopped seeing each other and are taking each other for granted (or one of them has always taken the other for granted and never really appreciated them either).

 

And the analogy about children still stands. We can't raise happy, confident children if we fail to acknowledge the good in them.

 

Both observations are really good, IMO.

 

Idealized self, not exactly maintainable or even all that idealized. Yet, it reminds you that you do have good qualities that you want acknowledged and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I reminded my H about how lazy he was for a year. I wasn't surprised at all that he had found someone that reminded him that he was not nearly as bad as I made him feel.

 

Great point. I hope your H remembers you as the beautiful and desireable (not just sexually) woman that he wanted so badly that he married her.

 

 

Thank you, NID.... I am in the process of trying to find an MC for us currently. I'm in IC and working out some pretty hard issues (understanding why I cheated, etc). And while my H doesn't know about my A, we have been communicating more and realizing that our marriage isn't where we would like it to be....

 

All of this stuff is so hard, on all sides. It breaks my heart when I think of all the destruction done to so many people. Healing is only half the battle.

[MaureyL]

It make all the sense in the world. It is one of the root causes for my infidelity...and suspect for many others.

 

 

DI--Sorry if this has been covered somewhere else on the boards.. have you told your wife about your affair? Does she know everything? Has the whole experience made your relationship stronger? Did you make "the right choice?"

 

I am very happy to have found this board, as people are articulating many of the things that I have been feeling over the past year and a bit...

 

Maurey

[Devil Inside]

DI--Sorry if this has been covered somewhere else on the boards.. have you told your wife about your affair? Does she know everything? Has the whole experience made your relationship stronger? Did you make "the right choice?"

 

I am very happy to have found this board, as people are articulating many of the things that I have been feeling over the past year and a bit...

 

Maurey

 

It has been covered...but we really can't expect you to go back and read old threads...and I have no problem answering questions.

 

I did confess my A to my W. She knows everything. This experience has made the relationship stronger then it was in the last few years. Is it the right choice...I don't know yet. To be honest I just don't know.

 

I think that when I look at it logically...yes it is. However in my heart I am not sure.

[GypsyRayne]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels. When I was a MOW with a MM, every time there was a dday, every time we decided to go NC, it hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. We never made it nc past a day or two, at the most, we also had a strong connection, a strong bond to each other that wouldn't go away. Both of our spouses wanted us to stay in our marriages, to stop seeing each other. They did every thing they could think of to keep us there. But we kept on seeing each other.

 

I'm not trying to scare you, but my marriage ended in a bad way. My exh tried to kill me. He almost did. I was very lucky. And I want you to know, he got away with it. He spent maybe 2 months in jail. The charges they had on him were premeditated, attempted murder, inflicting serious injuries, assault with a deadly weapon. And he got away with it.

 

Please be careful. I think when the spouses know, when they know you are telling them you will work on your marriages, but won't stop seeing the op, it becomes obsesessive to them. It makes it somehow harder for them to deal with.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels. When I was a MOW with a MM, every time there was a dday, every time we decided to go NC, it hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. We never made it nc past a day or two, at the most, we also had a strong connection, a strong bond to each other that wouldn't go away. Both of our spouses wanted us to stay in our marriages, to stop seeing each other. They did every thing they could think of to keep us there. But we kept on seeing each other.

 

I'm not trying to scare you, but my marriage ended in a bad way. My exh tried to kill me. He almost did. I was very lucky. And I want you to know, he got away with it. He spent maybe 2 months in jail. The charges they had on him were premeditated, attempted murder, inflicting serious injuries, assault with a deadly weapon. And he got away with it.

 

Please be careful. I think when the spouses know, when they know you are telling them you will work on your marriages, but won't stop seeing the op, it becomes obsesessive to them. It makes it somehow harder for them to deal with.

 

{{{Gypsy}}} Hugs to you and thank God you are okay. I know that any and all of us who are in A's are playing with fire in a BIG way. My H is not a violent man by ay means, and my xMM is even less so, but I do see where people can get into that mindset. My H has become EXTREMELY upset and borderline violent in the recent past when confronted with the fact I was still seeing MM. Thank goodness MM and I live 4 hours apart, because my H has said in the past that he would go find MM and kick his a**, which I sure he wanted to do that! And it might have turned worse than an old-fashioned a** kicking if the moons were aligned.

 

Thank you for posting your experience, because we all need to remember sometimes that no matter how real our feelings are, we are also playing with the feelings of others... and it "ain't always pretty"!

[NoIDidn't]

Please be careful. I think when the spouses know, when they know you are telling them you will work on your marriages, but won't stop seeing the op, it becomes obsesessive to them. It makes it somehow harder for them to deal with.

 

That's because its lying and gaslighting them to say one thing while intending to do another.

 

You don't say how he "got away with it". Legal technicalities? I'm glad you are okay. Wow, what an experience.

 

I think Miss has it right, it is definitely playing with the feelings of others. And those others might not appreciate it very much.