Still after all of this time.....

[EcstasyX6]

The feelings I experienced with xOW were the most intense I ever felt and have felt since. Problem was IT WASNT REAL! What I have with my wife IS REAL. It may not be so romantic like you described white flower but they are real none the less. I trust her and she trusts me. We care for each other and we are great friends. Sex is not good and I think thats a result of the romantic part or "the connection" being missing or more accurately never there in the first place. I believe that you only have one connection like that and I believe it was with my xOW. That doesnt mean I cant have a good marriage and a good life with my wife. And yes she knows about the A.

 

NL

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but why wasn't it real? You had to start of with your wife in some fashion romantically years ago. Sure it's real. It's a new love that happened at the wrong time, but that doesn't invalidate what you felt IMHO.

 

I can't truly love 2 men at once. I didn't love my husband which is why I cheated. I didn't enjoy breathing him in, as someone talked about, or even look forward to vacations with him. We didn't have the connection or glue that someone spoke of earlier...this thread...I'm not sure...been reading so many. Lol. So, I left. I didn't feel it was fair for him to get a piece of me, and a wife who stayed out of duty, and for comfort. He also knew about my A.

[EcstasyX6]

I have essentially been in NC for over two years now. I work with the xOW and only correspond via email for work reasons. I dont speak with her, I dont contact her in anyway, shape or form. In spite of all of that I still think of her, I still dream of her I still long or her and I still desire her.

 

As far as my marriage goes, my wife and I are doing great, we get along we are doing all the right things and so am I. I have been faithful I havent contacted the xOW but the feelings are still there. They dont go away they are there every day and i pray every day for them to stop but they dont.

 

So for all of you out there who are in NC hang in there its the best thing but man it hurts and hurts for a long, long time. I still love the xOW and I know that I always will. If I had ANY advice its

 

DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!

 

NL

 

 

I wish you and your wife the very best, but is that all marriage is about is just getting along and doing the right things? I don't know. I did that for years feeling unfulfilled. After much therapy, crying, and pain, I realized that I was numb to life, and acting like a perfect wife wasn't enough for me, but maybe I expected too much. Still, I felt as if I was living someone else's life. I wanted to feel happy and love my husband, not act it out as one therapist suggested.

 

I would agree NL: Don't do it! Whatever thread we had remaining, the A destroyed.

 

...just had to go back to the OP because I jumped in so late.

[EcstasyX6]

Oh, and by no means am I suggesting that you leave your wife! Just telling my story.

 

If you truly loved the OW, only time will heal that. Distance and lack of communication is the best medicine.

 

All the best.

[tami-chan]

I dont think NL is bitter or angry..I think he was just expressing that he still has loving thoughts and fond memories about his xOW. He also just wanted to convey to those contemplating to have an affair not to do it...he said it a few times. He is not here for advise (he said that, too).

 

What he feels is what he feels. We can't (or must not)argue with emotions. He is doing the best he can given his situation(it might not be YOUR best, but it is for him). It looks like he realized he will be happier in a relationship that is more stable , more reliable. I do not think he is here for pity.

 

I understand what he says here about his xOW does not resonate well with those who have been betrayed and took their partners back....but I think all we can do is wish him well and hope he will find the passion back with his wife.

Edited October 7, 2009 by tami-chan

[Fallen Angel]

I dont think NL is bitter or angry..I think he was just expressing that he still has loving thoughts and fond memories about his xOW. He also just wanted to convey to those contemplating to have an affair not to do it...

 

....but I think all we can do is wish him well and hope he will find the passion back with his wife.

 

I do not think the OP is bitter or angry, IMHO though I think he is unhappy in his present situation and I am of the mindset that he needs to fully examine his reason for staying in a marriage that is not emotionally/physically fufilling for him or his wife.

 

If his intent is to stay for the benefit of his wife, I contend that perhaps it is more loving to gently release her from HER obligation to him, and allow her the oportunity to find that connection that he has experienced (only with his OW) with someone else. We all long for that connection, and it is, IN MY OPINION, wrong to justify staying with the wife, for her own good, and never allow her to experience that kind of love.

 

I wish all parties in this happiness and a return to passion. I know what that longing feels like, how could I wish anything but that for the OP? I am just fearful that in trying so hard to do what is "right" he may be denying all involved the chance for that TRUE happiness.

[LadyDi]

I understand where you're coming from. I have a similar situation. For me, I will never confess "every thought" in my head about the other person. I do still love and care for my H. To do that would cause him too much pain. Is it right or wrong is not the issue to me. It's the pain it would cause. I'm simply not going to do that, and I don't really care if others think I'm not being fair to him etc., it's my call and that's what I'm doing.

 

Like the original poster, I still think about the other man, I'm pretty sure it's natural to think about people you've loved over the years. Don't beat yourself up. You're human, and sounds like you're the sensitive type so cut yourself some slack. Give it more time. I know it's been 2 years, but some people need more time than others.

 

My whole point is stop beating yourself up and give it more time. I think you're trying and that's half the battle. Good luck!!

[tami-chan]

I do not think the OP is bitter or angry, IMHO though I think he is unhappy in his present situation and I am of the mindset that he needs to fully examine his reason for staying in a marriage that is not emotionally/physically fufilling for him or his wife.

 

Maybe is he not happy..but maybe he is also not unhappy in his marriage. I stayed in my marriage and was neither....but I was ok...and I have no regrets for having stayed in my marriage for so long. Sometimes the focus is not on your partner...but on other things or people in your life...and they give you joy and it makes it all worthwhile. Hopefully, in time he will be able to find the passion for his wife or feel right about leaving his marriage.

 

IN MY OPINION, wrong to justify staying with the wife, for her own good, and never allow her to experience that kind of love.

 

Well, if he knows that it is wrong for him to stay...he wouldn't stay, would he? I think he is staying because he is hopeful. A hope apparently his wife shares.....so I wish them well.

[summerautumn]

I have essentially been in NC for over two years now. I work with the xOW and only correspond via email for work reasons. I dont speak with her, I dont contact her in anyway, shape or form. In spite of all of that I still think of her, I still dream of her I still long or her and I still desire her.

 

As far as my marriage goes, my wife and I are doing great, we get along we are doing all the right things and so am I. I have been faithful I havent contacted the xOW but the feelings are still there. They dont go away they are there every day and i pray every day for them to stop but they dont.

 

So for all of you out there who are in NC hang in there its the best thing but man it hurts and hurts for a long, long time. I still love the xOW and I know that I always will. If I had ANY advice its

 

DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!

 

NL

 

NL, that's remarkable! You've thought about this woman for 2 years! Either you are a one very romantic person with a super intense mental life, or maybe there is something else going on that you are not seeing. Besides the topic of your marriage, you say that this connection you had with this woman was telepathic, something non rational but it happened nevertheless and you were able to verify it with her. So it wasn't just in your head. Aren't you wondering that maybe you were given a taste of something that cannot be explained, yet occured with you? It was a first hand experience.

 

I am asking you, because I've experienced it too, and there is no doubt for me that this experience was a gift to me, not a thing to wish that never happened. It took my life on a whole different level and I would never want to trade it. And I feel totally at peace with it. Instead of going against the flow, why not accept it for what it is. It doesn't mean you have to act on it at all. You can make the choice.

[EcstasyX6]

First, I would like to say that if i have in anyway been cruel or judgemental I apologize.

 

My reason for saying/asking the things I did was to try and understand.

 

My comments about you not making your wife your first choice stemmed from what I read in what you wrote. You stated that the reason you were no longer in your affair, or with your affair partner was because she ended the relationship, NOT because you realized you loved your wife and wanted to fix what was broken in your marriage.

 

The way you said things made it sound TO ME as though if she had left her husband you would have left your wife and tried to have a relationship with her, and that the reason you are in your marriage and trying to make it work was because you had NO OTHER CHOICE since your affair partner MADE THE CHOICE FOR YOU. That is just my opinion, take it or leave it.

 

Perhaps you should re-read your first few posts here, and try to see it as an outsider would see it.

 

I am not trying to be bitter. I am not trying to be cruel. I am just trying to point out that if you are still this unhappy after two years, that maybe it is time to give up trying to rekindle with your wife what is obviously not there, and allow HER to move on to greener pastures. I think that it is unfair to YOUR WIFE to only allow her the love that you have LEFT OVER after STILL LOVING your xMOW.

 

Obviously the relationship with the xMOW is not an option, even if you divorce, however I think you are cheating your wife and YOURSELF out of the possibility of finding your TRUE SOULMATES.

 

Call me whatever you will, but IN MY OPINION it is wrong, and I think it is selfish. I think that the MOST LOVING thing you can do for your wife and yourself is to admit that the connection you BOTH deserve is not there, and let go.

 

It is not cruel to, LOVINGLY and with the best intentions for ALL INVOLVED, end a relationship that is not working. I think that it is much kinder than stuffing your feelings and never allowing your partner to experience the kind of love that you have experienced and are now pining for. EVERYONE deserves to be loved like that, and sometimes the way you can best show someone how much you do love them, is to let them go.

 

Again, these are just my opinions, my observations.

 

This is so well stated. I may be in the minority with you Fallen, but I agree, and couldn't have said it better.

[NeverLate]

NL, that's remarkable! You've thought about this woman for 2 years! Either you are a one very romantic person with a super intense mental life, or maybe there is something else going on that you are not seeing. Besides the topic of your marriage, you say that this connection you had with this woman was telepathic, something non rational but it happened nevertheless and you were able to verify it with her. So it wasn't just in your head. Aren't you wondering that maybe you were given a taste of something that cannot be explained, yet occured with you? It was a first hand experience.

 

I am asking you, because I've experienced it too, and there is no doubt for me that this experience was a gift to me, not a thing to wish that never happened. It took my life on a whole different level and I would never want to trade it. And I feel totally at peace with it. Instead of going against the flow, why not accept it for what it is. It doesn't mean you have to act on it at all. You can make the choice.

 

 

Hi SummerAutumn,

 

Thanks for your reply...

 

"The connection" as my OW and I called it was a very real thing. I know I have spent alot of time here positng about the fact that our relationship was based in fantasy, but what I meant by that was Our relationship was never really exposed to the daily stresses and strains of kids, bills, jobs illness etc. Every meeting was an idealized, intensified experience where all the distractions of real life were absent. So when I say our relationship was rooted in fantasy thats what I meant.

 

Now on the flip side, the feelings I had for her, the longing, the caring the almost "telepathic connection" we shared was very real indeed. Thus I would have to say the feelings we had were also very real. Its just that the environment where those feelings saw was not. Make sense?

 

But I agree that the telepathic nature of our connection where I would lieterally know when she was thinking of me or dreaming of me and I her or when she would wake me out of a sound sleep by thinking of me and vice versa was very real and occurred on a routine basis.

 

In fact, before I ever met her in person I had heard of her through mutual friends and even though I had never met her or spoke with her I seemed to know her. Strange? Well it happened. So years later when I did meet her it was as if I already knew her and "the connection" had been there all along.

 

So I guess one could say that the connection had always been there just waiting for us to experience it. I suppose if you can say that, then you could say it will continue to exist whether we are together to experience it or not.

 

Its really too bad that the timing and circumstances did not match up with our two souls connecting in real life when they may have been connected all along. That said, This situation in no way diminishes the love I have for my wife and my family as I believe that this was not necessarily in my control. In the end, I made the concious decision to stay in my marriage and make it work and it has.

 

Through all of that the connection with OW remains and most likely always will. Again, its almost as if it has a life of its own and somehow it will live regardless of the decisions I make or actions I take. I guess that is what some people refer to as a soulmate if you buy into that concept (based on my experience I have no doubt that soulmates exist)

 

I guess where Im at these days is Im happy, content, and from time to time suffer the memory of the connection and my subsequent struggle to keep it out of my present.

 

Hope this explains things and thanks for the opportunity to explain.

 

NL

Edited October 10, 2009 by NeverLate