RedDevil66 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 To me, support is helping a person, to end destructive behavior, and to adopt positive character traits. To all others, I want you to tell me, HOW do YOU validate a lie? Interesting question. great reply and I agree
jj33 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 great reply and I agree But it still doesnt take into account that often people arent looking to end what you would term destructive behavior. Your values dont universally apply to everyone. Thats why the forum exists - as a safe place for people to seek support for a subject that is taboo elsewhere. Not that you cant disagree but its not always about ending the A. im mystified that people cant see that.
RedDevil66 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) But it still doesnt take into account that often people arent looking to end what you would term destructive behavior. Your values dont universally apply to everyone. Thats why the forum exists - as a safe place for people to seek support for a subject that is taboo elsewhere. Not that you cant disagree but its not always about ending the A. im mystified that people cant see that. Cheating is not only taboo, it's morally corrupt. I'm all for a safe place, but maybe a safe place should be with a therapist or trusted friend. An on line world wide msg board is NOT a safe place! And if one wants to post their story, in my mind, they are opening themselves up to all sorts of answers. Buyer beware! Edited October 21, 2009 by RedDevil66
Virgo1982 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Cheating is not only taboo, it's morally corrupt. I'm all for a safe place, but maybe a safe place should be with a therapist or trusted friend. An online world wide msg board is NOT a safe place! And if one wants to post their story, in my mind, they are opening themselves up to all sorts of answers. Buyer beware! Realistically, this is the truth. And if you marry a cheater-whether you know it or not-you should beware as well. I would never go to the infidelity board and post that. It's not supportive.
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 This was the post I was referring to. I totally agree with Tony.. the OW/OM forum is NOT for everyone.. those who still hurt because of their partner's affairs might be better to go somewhere else..
Virgo1982 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I totally agree with Tony.. the OW/OM forum is NOT for everyone.. those who still hurt because of their partner's affairs might be better to go somewhere else.. IDK Lizzie. Maybe OW/OM are supporting some of the bitter BS. I say they should be allowed to post here. Let them heal in this forum too. People receive support in many different ways
RedDevil66 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 IDK Lizzie. Maybe OW/OM are supporting some of the bitter BS. I say they should be allowed to post here. Let them heal in this forum too. People receive support in many different ways excellent point. It's not all about one group of people
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 IDK Lizzie. Maybe OW/OM are supporting some of the bitter BS. I say they should be allowed to post here. Let them heal in this forum too. People receive support in many different ways It doesn't mean that they shouldn't post.. it means that they shouldn't post IF they're going to bash the OW... saying things like: you're a ho.. you're sleeping with someone else's H.. or... what can you expect.. blablabla.. we see that way too often..
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 i agree. OM/W are here for the most part to sort things out. and like anything emotional and important in life it is a process. we are all at different stages, posters should be understanding of that and keep the criticism constructive.
Virgo1982 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It doesn't mean that they shouldn't post.. it means that they shouldn't post IF they're going to bash the OW... saying things like: you're a ho.. you're sleeping with someone else's H.. or... what can you expect.. blablabla.. we see that way too often.. But that might be the bitter bs's way of getting support. And if we accept it for what it is, perhaps we can feel empathy instead of anger. Knowing that you aren't a hoe, you can just think, "calling me a hoe makes this person feel better." IDK if I could ever get over being married to someone I consider a hoe, but calling someone else a hoe may feel good for the moment. It could also help with reconciliation if I can blame someone outside of the relationship. I get to save face and transfer negative energy at the same time.
NoIDidn't Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It doesn't mean that they shouldn't post.. it means that they shouldn't post IF they're going to bash the OW... saying things like: you're a ho.. you're sleeping with someone else's H.. or... what can you expect.. blablabla.. we see that way too often.. But they are sleeping with someone else's spouse. What is so bad about using that in the logic used in a response to a thread? If it applies, I see no problem with it. For example, there have been posts over the years of OW complaining that they can't figure out ways to get MM to spend more time with them and complaining that MM is doing such and such with his W. Well, its appropriate to remind them that they are sleeping with someone else's H in this case. And that they should adjust if they intend to continue doing so. I see no point in calling an OW a whore, because as far as we know, she's only sleeping with one man - someone else's H. lol sorry, it just fit. I'm saying I don't think that engaging in an affair makes one a whore. Well, maybe the MM as he is likely sleeping with more than one woman.
Devil Inside Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I've come to accept that people are going to say whatever they want....so if you can't handle someone judging you...then do not read what people write...period.
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 DI, has a very good point. But I would also like to point out that "bashing", is in the eye of the beholder. Some Om/ow's can take criticism, and some can't. Sometimes it's very difficult to tell if an OP is willing to listen advice or is only wanting reinforcement.
Devil Inside Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 DI, has a very good point. But I would also like to point out that "bashing", is in the eye of the beholder. Some Om/ow's can take criticism, and some can't. Sometimes it's very difficult to tell if an OP is willing to listen advice or is only wanting reinforcement. So true. What is bashing to one...is treasure to another. I guess, after some time here, I have learned, people will say what they are going to say...I need to figure out for myself if it is helpful..and if it isn't then I can go to the next post. No need to get all upset...they're just words.
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Absolutely. Just like the song," take what you need, and leave the rest".
Devil Inside Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It's taken a few months...but I think you all have cleared the idealism from my eyes...it's all gone now. Like another song..."you can't always get what you want."
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Well, I wouldn't give up all of my convictions, if I were you. This is after all, just a forum, and not RL. You might need them>
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 But that might be the bitter bs's way of getting support. And if we accept it for what it is, perhaps we can feel empathy instead of anger. Knowing that you aren't a hoe, you can just think, "calling me a hoe makes this person feel better." IDK if I could ever get over being married to someone I consider a hoe, but calling someone else a hoe may feel good for the moment. It could also help with reconciliation if I can blame someone outside of the relationship. I get to save face and transfer negative energy at the same time. I am very sorry but the OWs do NOT have to accept that.. if they just want to get their anger out.. they have to accept the infractions that come with it..
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 But they are sleeping with someone else's spouse. No kidding!!!! I think the OWs know that.. It's the way the message is delivered..
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I think that courtesy is due all posters. OW/OM's are not entitled to any more or any less than BS'S.
donnamaybe Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Realistically, this is the truth. And if you marry a cheater-whether you know it or not-you should beware as well. I would never go to the infidelity board and post that. It's not supportive. Of course not, but how can that POSSIBLY be the same as KNOWING you're getting involved with a cheater at the get go? I mean, how many guys (or women) during an engagement period say, "Oh, by the way, I'll be cheating on you, so if you won't like that, maybe we shouldn't get married." MOST OW/OM know at the very beginning of the A what kind of person they are dealing with. A liar and a cheater. For some reason, they think they are the ONLY one an OW/OM won't lie to. Someone HAS to point out the obvious which just isn't obvious to many involved in an A. But yes - it can be said without being overly harsh.
herenow Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) First of all, I don't see anyone calling an OW bad names. When that does happen, it is very quickly removed by the mods. So for all who complain about that, IMO, you are just trying to flame a fire that isn't there. and again with the bitter BS's. When any BS (or anyone for that matter) gets out of hand, the mods are there to take care of it. My goal is to not create more work for the mods. Strange how in a thread about support, there is BS bashing. Just a thought, but if an OW doesn't want to be called names, maybe they should refrain from calling BW's bitter. Back to the OP, I still think it's a lot to ask a stranger on a public forum to be responsible for hurt feelings. My truth may be hurtful to someone no matter how nice I say it. It's still my truth and no matter what anyone says or feels, it will remain my truth. I'm not going to change how I feel about something because it may hurt someone's feelings on a free public forum where that person has posted. Many say don't post if you can't handle the topic. I say don't start a thread if you can't handle the posts. Again, there are many qualified therapists that will always give you advice based on your best interests when you pay them to do so. Edited October 21, 2009 by herenow
Phateless Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 pretending that your words are pearls to live by, but others that you don't agree with is noise are we? Dude, what is your deal? Why are you on everyone's case? Give it a rest! I was talking about the advice that I've received when I post. Lately threads have been more about frustrated people yelling at the OP then calm, objective advice. Stating an opinion is far different from recrimination, blame, and attacks.
herenow Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 This is the LS disclaimer: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. Hopefully if someone here is so hurt by a negative response, they will seek help outside this forum. JMO.
donnamaybe Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Strange how in a thread about support, there is BS bashing. Just a thought, but if an OW doesn't want to be called names, maybe they should refrain from calling BW's bitter. Many say don't post if you can't handle the topic. I say don't start a thread if you can't handle the posts. These two statements stood out in particular for me, and so SOOO true! Support comes in many packages. Some might think it's for everyone to say, "Oh, you poor thing. We'll tell you everything you're doing is okay so we won't hurt your feelings." How is that going to help? Others may think it is best to actually give the person advice on how to end their struggle. In most cases, that would involve telling their MM/MW to either end their marriage or take a hike. The AP may not want to HEAR that, but it's actually what would be best for them.
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