I love my husband very much, I just dont want to have sex with him

[Rooster_DAR]

You have to tell him so he will stop being clingy. CLingy is a big deal. He is crowding you because you pulled away, so you have to tell him whats going on with you so he can pull away some. if you dont, it will get worse, and you will fall out of love with him completely. Youre already halfway there. Go have a serious discussion with him.

 

He is being clingy because you've pulled away. The above poster is spot on.

You should be talking to him about all of this, not us. Good communication means being able to talk about everything, even things that seem very uncomfortable.

 

I suggest you get a second wind, and sit down and tell him exactly what your feeling. This is a crucial step to resolving the issues.

 

Regards,

[dazzle22]

There is ALWAYS a reason why a wife doesn't want to have sex any more and I think some Sherlocks here have discovered it.

 

You should pick up a couple of books. One interesting one is "Mating in Captivity". It really deals with your issue. You two have become too "familiar". There is no mystery, there is no "other" to be fascinated by and you no longer see your husband through the "eyes" of a lover. Passion often needs mystery, distance, flirtation to be fueled. Companionship, which grows out of being passionate and wanting to connect, generally does not fuel sexual desire, if you don't work at it, it can actually douse it! Think of it this way, if another woman was pursuing your husband and you felt you might lose him, I bet you'd feel a "stirring". You would then see him through "new eyes".

 

We as women, as much as we carp on men for not showing their "feelings" often can't deal with it when we see emotions that display weakness in our men. It simply turns us off. No point feeling guilty about it, it is just the way we are made. We don't want to see the "White Knight" acting needy or clingy. A state of "fusion" which is what he is pushing for, does not fuel passion. Only distance, and longing do.

 

This has to be dealt with or your marriage will die. The way you talk almost sounds like love out of pity. That is the kiss of death..

 

He probably needs to see a therapist to deal with some issues. He is using you as a therapist for his neediness and it is pushing you away. Knowing all his problems is not attracting you to him. He needs to know that...

[sugar sherry]

My husband and I are very much in love. I would do anything for him. It just that, lately Ive notice that I say no to him every time he wants sex. Its not like we have sex once a month. But we started our relationship doing it 4 times a week. Is this normal in marriages? We've been married almost 4 years. But I do love him with all my heart and I cannot see my life without him. Is it me. Do I have intimacy issues or am I just not as attracted to him as I used to me. Can you have love with no intimacy?

I would like to chat with you, I feel the same way. I am alot older than you but feel like our world is crashing down.

[OpenBook]

There is ALWAYS a reason why a wife doesn't want to have sex any more and I think some Sherlocks here have discovered it.

 

You should pick up a couple of books. One interesting one is "Mating in Captivity". It really deals with your issue. You two have become too "familiar". There is no mystery, there is no "other" to be fascinated by and you no longer see your husband through the "eyes" of a lover. Passion often needs mystery, distance, flirtation to be fueled. Companionship, which grows out of being passionate and wanting to connect, generally does not fuel sexual desire, if you don't work at it, it can actually douse it! Think of it this way, if another woman was pursuing your husband and you felt you might lose him, I bet you'd feel a "stirring". You would then see him through "new eyes".

 

We as women, as much as we carp on men for not showing their "feelings" often can't deal with it when we see emotions that display weakness in our men. It simply turns us off. No point feeling guilty about it, it is just the way we are made. We don't want to see the "White Knight" acting needy or clingy. A state of "fusion" which is what he is pushing for, does not fuel passion. Only distance, and longing do.

 

(Although I'm a bit uneasy with the Sherlocks reference) I think this post is FABULOUS and gets right to the heart of why the loss of sex drive happens to so many MW. Familiarity breeds contempt... especially in human sexuality. It happened to me in a LTR. I remember telling my GF during the R that if I never had sex again it would be fine with me. After I broke up with him, my sex drive gradually returned.

 

I do not understand how one can create distance and longing and mystery in a long-term marriage... but there are people out there who claim it can be done.

 

So, break out those Batman costumes - and may The Force be with you!

[Samantha0905]

When people say "in love" it implies their bodies still WANT each other. 4/week is normal in the beginning. Lots of marriages are at 2-3 times a week at the 20 year point.

 

 

Just out of curiosity, and not being smart ass or anything, but do you actually KNOW people in 20 to 20+ years marriages who are having sex two to three times a week? We're at year 27 and I don't know anyone in our friendship circle who has this going on -- out of the long term marriage couples. Of course, many are on the second or third time around as far as marriage is concerned and they don't seem that happy either unless you catch them in the first year or so. :-)

 

I mean, I personally would love this situation, but I suppose lacking sexual attraction to my husband it just hasn't been the case.

 

The first couple of years, we probably had sex a two or three times a week. After that, it became once a week -- on Saturday night, which he termed "date night" -- and there was no spontaneity at all. I knew it was coming and did not look forward to it.

 

In any event, I'm just wondering if in real life whether there are that many people still having sex two to three times a week after 20 years of marriage. I'd love to see the statistics on that.

 

Lets put it this way. I could live without sex. It is not important to me. Im just worried that this means I am starting to fall out of love. If you love someone, the intimacy should be there always. But its not in our relationship. I do love him very very much but If I do love him that much, shouldn't I want to have sex with him?

 

My sister says this. It baffles my mind, but maybe some people do just feel that way. She flat out tells me she does not like sex. I love my husband very much and I feel no sexual attraction to him at all. I like sex a lot, so it's a big problem. I do know, however, I love him with all my heart.

 

I don't know about the romantic "in love" people discuss. Perhaps true "in love" is when you stick to the "for better or worse," etc. from the traditional marriage vows.

[mem11363]

Sam,

I think this is somewhat rare in randomly selected marriages. I will also say that if you zoom in on the (5 to 10 percent) of marriages where the list below is true, you will find that the wives entertain the husbands more out of love then lust and do so 2-3 times a week without feeling ill used:

- The couple is still truly playful with each other - they are able to make each other laugh on a daily basis

- They have managed not to injure one another profoundly during the marriage

- They really are each others highest priority

- The male chooses to go for a long walk/bike ride with his wife rather then watch tv for 2 hours

- Neither of them has changed physically in a manner that adversely effects their view of their own attractiveness and/or their attraction for their spouse.

- The husband makes extra special effort to try to level what God seems to have created as a very uneven playing field

 

 

For us the raw libido spread is: 15 times a month (me), 3 times a month (her). The actual of 2/week 8-10 times a month is based on a few key factors - not all of which are flattering.

 

So what motivates wife to connect with me at triple the frequency she is designed for?

- Love - true love - like the kind in the princess bride - is the main motivator. This is the 60 percent factor.

 

- Guilt - as in - good wives are good in bed - great wives are great in bed - great means your man doesn't think you are skilled but lazy/frigid. This is a 30 percent factor.

 

- Fear - as in - he is more relaxed and more fun to be with when he is sexually satisfied. He gets a bit edgy/difficult by day 5. This is the final 10 percent. The fact this is true sucks. I have made an effort to work on this. Apparently I have not totally succeeded.

 

As for the last factor this does mean that every once in a while she connects with me and resents it. Which totally sucks for both of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just out of curiosity, and not being smart ass or anything, but do you actually KNOW people in 20 to 20+ years marriages who are having sex two to three times a week? We're at year 27 and I don't know anyone in our friendship circle who has this going on -- out of the long term marriage couples. Of course, many are on the second or third time around as far as marriage is concerned and they don't seem that happy either unless you catch them in the first year or so. :-)

 

I mean, I personally would love this situation, but I suppose lacking sexual attraction to my husband it just hasn't been the case.

 

The first couple of years, we probably had sex a two or three times a week. After that, it became once a week -- on Saturday night, which he termed "date night" -- and there was no spontaneity at all. I knew it was coming and did not look forward to it.

 

In any event, I'm just wondering if in real life whether there are that many people still having sex two to three times a week after 20 years of marriage. I'd love to see the statistics on that.

 

 

 

My sister says this. It baffles my mind, but maybe some people do just feel that way. She flat out tells me she does not like sex. I love my husband very much and I feel no sexual attraction to him at all. I like sex a lot, so it's a big problem. I do know, however, I love him with all my heart.

 

I don't know about the romantic "in love" people discuss. Perhaps true "in love" is when you stick to the "for better or worse," etc. from the traditional marriage vows.

Edited December 10, 2009 by mem11363

[Heroic]

Married 10 years here. I find that a our sex life breaks down into 3 different styles.

 

70% is what I would call Maintenance Sex, it's just that sex you have 2 x 3 a week it's nothing exotic, wow, or even requires a lot of effort just a good time.

 

20% is what I call Play Time. More experimental, more involved, toy play different positions, using the sex swing and takes a lot longer.

 

10% is Hot Sex. This is just crazy lust filled sex. On the stairs, in the shower, in the car, wherever. Just hot and now.

 

Most people want that upper 30% but only get to that first stage.

 

If you take some time to develop your upper end sex play it goes a long way for keeping the interest up.

[ADF]

Whatever the problem is, you need to take it very seriously. Depriving someone of a sex life is cruel, especially when you claim you love them. In time, your husband will deeply resent you. It could very well destroy your marriage. I would start by seeing your primary care physician. Maybe he or she can refer you to someone who can help.

[Jersey Shortie]

- The husband makes extra special effort to try to level what God seems to have created as a very uneven playing field

 

God hasn't created an uneven playing field.

[dazzle22]

The couple is still truly playful with each other - they are able to make each other laugh on a daily basis

- They have managed not to injure one another profoundly during the marriage

- They really are each others highest priority

 

 

I think these three ingredients are key. There is no way you can keep romance alive if you have injured each other profoundly. Resentment is the weed killer of romance.

 

I think romance is like a delicate orchid. It needs careful tending to survive. Many people get caught up in life and kids (they are the biggest killer as far as I am concerned!) and the petals fall off. And an orchid plant without the flower doesn't look like much!

 

I think it is also key that spouses do not use their partner as a therapist for every neurotic needy thought they have. A lot of people emotionally "dump" on their partners, and that also kills romance. A good therapist to tell all one's neurotic nonsense to is well worth it at times!!