MSUE Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Dreamer - to answer your original question of how do you cope? I would say gingerly, but seriously. Years ago, when I OD'd, I was rattled to the core. The incident was the most singularly disturbing event that ever happened to me. Now, I'm not likening me OD'ing to what happened to you, yet, the underlying pathology and coping strategy is similar. I had to get REALLY honest with myself about what caused my drug use/abuse to begin with, because clearly I could no longer run from it. I had to get REALLY honest with myself and admit as much as I wore the face of a happy and contented person, obviously the drug use was masking a very unhappy and stressed out person. It was a very, very painful period in my life, but in so many ways, it was the best thing that happened to me, because it scared me sober AND onto a path towards happiness that didn't come from some lines on a mirror. My point is not unlike many of the posters on here, though I suppose I'm trying to word it differently. ..I, too, would not take lightly what happened, and I fear you, and your therapist, are now glossing over it. I'm not saying you need to stay married to it, but I think it was a very powerful and poignant moment in your life, and not one that should be dismissed so easily as one-off. I think what happened *should* serve as a very loud wake-up call, Dreamer. You freely and honestly admit to having a lot of stress, anxiety, and a history with a lot of abuse. Sometimes mounting pain that has been stuffed for eons can start to manifest and seep out in ugly ways. Perhaps THAT is the root of the incident, but I can't say for sure. What I do know, however, is that what happened is the culmination of a lot of pain, a lot of sadness and disappointment, and perhaps a lesson that your previous coping mechanisms are no longer working. I hope you continue to see a therapist you feel will challenge you, and not just humor or pacify. I really do think, as many on here do, that there is more going on that would cause that whole evening, and we/I do care to see you find your way clear. The only true way to heal a wound is to cleanse it deeply, not by putting a band-aid on it. Take baby steps with the therapy, as that road can be rough and long, but I definitely urge you to not let this go so lightly... JB I'm loving your approach...Kudos to you for overcoming your demons and this post is genuine and written so beautifully...WE CAN ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Thanks, Star, and I have every faith that Dreamer is now on the right path to wellness. The thing is that much like everything in life, true empathy goes a long way. I do feel that many posting on her thread have her best interest at heart and are trying to help, but unless you've walked through this kind of fire, it's hard to really relate to how one feels. For me, I felt like I had somehow cheated death, perhaps wasn't really supposed to still be here, was petrified by what happened, more upset that I knew I was responsible, was scared at the work I knew I had to do and things I finally had to face, etc. There are a lot of emotions that are attached to someone having a life-altering experience, and to those who haven't, it is very hard to understand how vulnerable and sensitive you feel. Dreamer is doing the right things, and perhaps not at the pace that others would like, but this is what feels good for HER and is the pace that she needs to be on. Staying grounded in her life by enjoying her work and making new friends is SO important right now, as is her commitment to therapy. But, it's important for everyone to realize this isn't as simple as "OMG! You need therapy!", as that kind of post isn't really helpful. We have to back off a bit, trust that Dreamer is doing the right thing for her, and just support her path as she chooses. It won't be easy, and having challenges to her course of actions won't buoy her decisions. I don't think she's looking to be coddled, per se, but right now, a little sensitivity to her situation wouldn't hurt. Basically, it's just not the time for tough love... Rock on, Dreamer. Have a super day. Again, a mighty impressive post, JB. I am so impressed with who've you've turned out to be. And I see where you're coming from. I really do. If we were dealing with a friend IRL who was in a difficult spot, but who wasn't ready to deal with the truth (as I'm assuming you were when you were going through your addiction) and hadn't reached out for help, I don't think many people would be quick to butt in or offer advice, or give "tough love," or have an "intervention," so to speak. The person has to be ready themselves. I've been in that situation with several friends, who were either dealing with abuse, or drugs, or alcohol, or were bipolar, or whatever. In those instances, it's a sort of watch, wait, protect, help, support situation. You have to wait for them to be ready to receive help, before that help does any bit of good. But once they do reach out, you dive in with everything you've got. Been there, several times. However, when someone comes to a you, or a community like LS, asking for help (i.e., "How did I cope with this?"), asking for advice, and asking for opinions, I guess I just assume that they are ready to hear the truth and ready to receive help. In other words, I see that action as reaching out for help. Here, Dreamer isn't just a tangential responder in a thread, she's the very person asking for help. Under these circumstances, are we to not give it? If a RL friend who'd been suffering shows up at your door after years of torment and says, "Okay, I need help", what do you do? Do you not suggest therapy? Not suggest some honest introspection? I really don't know. It's confusing when someone is posting asking for help, but then says they don't want/need it. Of course, I realize that there's definitely a better way to say things - your posts here a prime example of how much better a message can be delivered! - but hindsight is always 20/20. And like you said, "The only true way to heal a wound is to cleanse it deeply, not by putting a band-aid on it." By asking for help, I (and I'm assuming others as well) believed she was ready for that "deep cleaning." I suppose we all thought wrong, and I see that now. Also, I don't mean at all to undermine the seriousness of drug/alcohol addiction and the impacts it has on someone and their family. But we're not just dealing with someone who's abusing drugs or alcohol here. We're dealing with someone who sliced her wrist open with a knife. I am confident that you agree that this fact should not be made dismissed as a single random incident that will never happen again nor a sign of a much larger problem. I shudder to think of what would have happened if A hadn't called the police/ambulance. Anyway, like LL suggested... I think we should let this thread die.
jen924 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Geez Dreamer -- IGNORE them. Put them on ignore and don't worry about them. Ironically, I actually see a pattern of her IGNORING people that sugar coat things for her. You say what she wants to hear or something she more than likely could let slide, and you don't get responses from Dreamer. This means, she doesn't have the need to defend herself. She only responds, becomes very defensive and accuses people of things, when someone says something that doesn't rub her the right way. She moved this thread from the dating section, in hopes of getting more opinions that suit her. While she makes us out to be cruel people who only are here to prove ourselves right and attack her, I think she is on here to attack people who don't say what she would like. I wasn't going to post anymore on this topic, but I noticed a pattern of what happens. Also, JB had a great post, but she worded it differently, but it basically outlines SOME of the same things us other meanies said. I think some people just write different than others, and you need not to be so sensitive and look at it more objectively. I also don't think some of us appreciate being looked at as morons who know nothing. We are not psychologists, but have enough common sense to know what happened to you is a verification that you need serious help, and considering your past as well. I think therapy only once a month is not going to cut it. You had some horrible anxiety attack, with black outs, and self injury, and you seem to have an alcohol addiction, so is once a month best for all of this? If it is, that is great. Hope things work out.
Author dreamergrl Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Really SG - how can you sit there and say you're trying to help, when yet you feel the need to respond to my posts on other threads in a nasty catty way, and follow it up with "Go ask at your therapist". It is so obvious that you aren't here to be helpful. And when other posters see it as well and call you out on it, it's not just me thinking it. Helping is not telling people I did this over a guy, when that is just you making an assumption. Helping isn't accusing me of lying to my therapist. What you are doing is trying to be intimidating, rude, and nasty - and covering THAT with a pretend band aid, trying to act all 'helpful' and 'tough love'. Well I hate to break it to you, but tough love isn't trying to belittle a person. You are more obsessed with being right then giving advice. Please don't bother responding, because you are going on ignore and your post wont be seen by me. Enough is enough.
Author dreamergrl Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Ironically, I actually see a pattern of her IGNORING people that sugar coat things for her. You say what she wants to hear or something she more than likely could let slide, and you don't get responses from Dreamer. This means, she doesn't have the need to defend herself. She only responds, becomes very defensive and accuses people of things, when someone says something that doesn't rub her the right way. She moved this thread from the dating section, in hopes of getting more opinions that suit her. While she makes us out to be cruel people who only are here to prove ourselves right and attack her, I think she is on here to attack people who don't say what she would like. I wasn't going to post anymore on this topic, but I noticed a pattern of what happens. Also, JB had a great post, but she worded it differently, but it basically outlines SOME of the same things us other meanies said. I think some people just write different than others, and you need not to be so sensitive and look at it more objectively. I also don't think some of us appreciate being looked at as morons who know nothing. We are not psychologists, but have enough common sense to know what happened to you is a verification that you need serious help, and considering your past as well. I think therapy only once a month is not going to cut it. You had some horrible anxiety attack, with black outs, and self injury, and you seem to have an alcohol addiction, so is once a month best for all of this? If it is, that is great. Hope things work out. I'm sorry, but I must have missed the part where JB told me I need to go get a second opinion because my therapist isn't handling it right. I must have missed the part where JB made assumptions and accusations. I must have missed the part where JB start diagnosing me. Oh wait.. she didn't. Anyone who has had a anxiety disorder knows it's not just about common sense. And it doesn't matter what you think I should do as far as my therapy goes, because you are not my therapist. Why do you think you know better then my therapist? Because you did some social work? And no, ignoring people who just want to belittle me and tear me down isn't putting a band aid on it. Sorry.
Jilly Bean Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 you need not to be so sensitive I really have to disagree, Jen. What happened to Dreamer was a very frightening thing, I'm sure, and just because she may not reveal her full vulnerability with what happened on LS, doesn't mean she doesn't need to be lightly handled right now. When I went through something similar, I was exceptionally fragile, while not wanting to admit how weak and vulnerbale I genuinely was. So, the tough love, get over it, move on, don't be so sensitive approach would make me bristle and it was most certainly NOT want I needed at the time. I didn't need to be babied, I just needed to feel validated, and that it would take some time, and I would be OK again. Which was true - it did take time, and I am OK. Ech - I still contend unless you've been there, you really can't get the myriad of emotions that accompany such an event. But you're right - what I said was basically what everyone else said, but in a kinder and softer way. That's really the vibe Dreamer needs right now, IMO.
Author dreamergrl Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 But you're right - what I said was basically what everyone else said, but in a kinder and softer way. That's really the vibe Dreamer needs right now, IMO. Minus the accusations, diagnoses, belittling, following me around other threads to make nasty comments, telling me I need a second opinion, ect ect.
Jilly Bean Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Minus the accusations, diagnoses, belittling, following me around other threads to make nasty comments, telling me I need a second opinion, ect ect. OK, girlie - it's time to take a break from LS for the afternoon. I'd ban you if I could! lol Sometimes the advice we get can feel toxic, so it's best to just walk away for a bit. We'll still be here when you want to come back. Believe me, we will.
jen924 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I'm sorry, but I must have missed the part where JB told me I need to go get a second opinion because my therapist isn't handling it right. I must have missed the part where JB made assumptions and accusations. I must have missed the part where JB start diagnosing me. Oh wait.. she didn't. Anyone who has had a anxiety disorder knows it's not just about common sense. And it doesn't matter what you think I should do as far as my therapy goes, because you are not my therapist. Why do you think you know better then my therapist? Because you did some social work? And no, ignoring people who just want to belittle me and tear me down isn't putting a band aid on it. Sorry. I hate to say it, but my point is proven. Poof, you appear. Look, I really do feel bad what you went through, but I personally was more concerned with how YOU feel about what happened, not the therapist. You go about like you are fine and you are happy. You spend more time talking about how you never would hurt yourself, you never do this and that, and trying to make logical excuses for what happened. Happy people do not go through what you did. You don't seem to take the alcohol thing seriously either. I wonder if you even mentioned it to the therapist. I would say its more than likely depression, but you try to act like you are not depressed one bit just because you don't want to look weak. That is the problem. I don't know all you told the therapist, but if you go in there acting like life is grand, I don't see how you will get anywhere. If you really think people are here to belittle you, be nasty and follow you around. Talk about crazy. Sometimes it takes the hard core truth to get to someone. Not everyone is going to address your problem with kind and soft words. I will leave you alone, and feel free to ignore me too, if you haven't already. good luck
Art_Critic Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 FWIW... I have noticed on this thread a marked tone that has nothing to do with trying to give healthy advice to someone in need and it isn't hard to see... JMO
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Dreamer, I'm not here to argue with you, or to be "right." You came here looking for advice, opinions, help, etc., about what you're going through. I gave you my thoughts, and they are not any different from JB's or even TBF's. It's up to you to accept my thoughts at their face value, or dismiss them, or a combination of the two. I never accused you of lying. I simply questioned how much of the details of the "episode" you actually communicated to your therapist, because I can't for the life of me understand how she'd say slicing your wrist open wasn't something to be concerned about. However, I did, and still do, question how honest you're being with yourself. At the end of the day, I think you (eventually) need to to be really, really honest with yourself, and you need to find real, serious help. I hope your current therapist can help you find the latter. But the former is up to you. That said, JB has helped me see that until you're ready for real help, suggesting the same isn't going to do you any bit of good. So I'll move on to respond to threads where I can hopefully do some good. It's really hard to even write this to you, given your assumptions about the intent behind my posts. You don't like what I have to say. I get that. But the character assassinations aren't necessary. Instead, just ignore me. Best of luck to you, Dreamer. I really do hope you find the peace and solace you're looking for someday.
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Dreamer - to answer your original question of how do you cope? I would say gingerly, but seriously. My point is not unlike many of the posters on here, though I suppose I'm trying to word it differently. ..I, too, would not take lightly what happened, and I fear you, and your therapist, are now glossing over it. I'm not saying you need to stay married to it, but I think it was a very powerful and poignant moment in your life, and not one that should be dismissed so easily as one-off. I think what happened *should* serve as a very loud wake-up call, Dreamer. I hope you continue to see a therapist you feel will challenge you, and not just humor or pacify. I really do think, as many on here do, that there is more going on that would cause that whole evening, and we/I do care to see you find your way clear. The only true way to heal a wound is to cleanse it deeply, not by putting a band-aid on it. Take baby steps with the therapy, as that road can be rough and long, but I definitely urge you to not let this go so lightly... I'm sorry, but I must have missed the part where JB told me I need to go get a second opinion because my therapist isn't handling it right. She really did though, Dreamer. Granted, she just said it all a whole lot better than some of the rest of us did (I can admit that ), but the opinion/advice/conclusion is the same. I don't see anyone here who wishes you harm, or wants to make this situation worse. If you really, truly do, then perhaps JB is right (yet again) that you should take a break from LS, at least in so far as your personal stuff is concerned. It seems it's doing you more harm than good right now. But you're right - what I said was basically what everyone else said, but in a kinder and softer way. Agreed, on both points. Me thinks we should just let you do all the heavy lifting here from now on.
sb129 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Dreamer, I agree with JB on all aspects, esp the one where she says you should take a break from LS for a few days. Have a nice weekend and look after yourself.
Die Hard Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Bumping for more discussion Folks need to stop holding back and really sink their teeth into this topic Has anyone mentioned therapy?
MSUE Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 People telling me to get a second opinion may as well say my therapist is wrong. I'm sorry but this statement its a lil off Dreamer looking for a 2nd opinion its only to your benefit. lets say hypothetically if one and the only dr you have discussed your "heart disease" said to you ok you need open heart surgery...will you just take that and go ahead or will you seek a second opinion perhaps a third? I'd like to think you'd get at least a 2nd opinion... in fact it is highyly suggested to do so even by professionals doesn't mean your therapist is wrong...but there are different types of therapies and different approaches and its good to know other professionals views on it as it will better assist you in making the right decision as to what its best for you... tone it down girl...people are trying to give you their take on it based on their own experiences...you are not going anywhere by getting all attitudy...perhaps it would be best if you retire the thread if its not helping you or causing you more pain...I've always liked you a good amount and this is certainly not personal...I'm only speaking from my heart and my own experiences... I suffered from severe panic attacks I would even wake up in the middle of the night it made me that ill that my H at the time had to carry me outside like a baby untill I could catch some air and finally calm down I would in fact black out ...I remember waking up and the calming down part not the in between and I was sober! I went to one world renowned guy he put me on a very high dose of klonopin on a daily basis...ok I figured I have a world class doctor he knows best...well it was a terrible move as my body became more and more addicted to it...I was on it for almost a year...then I ended up hospitalized...the hospital personal was appalled...I had the worst withdrawal possible I was there for 3 weeks between detox and stabilizing my body again i realized that it was time to try other views ...even the best guys don't always get it right...I have learned so so so much since It was the best thing ever...from now on I will always seek 2nd and 3rd opinions on any serious health issue...not for a regular cold though...lol... Dreamer you are wout a doubt on edge...what you experienced was traumatic and I don't think you are ready to take it all in...its safe to say that all posters that have contributed to your thread are genuinly concerned about your well being... You have said over and over that we don't know the whole story because some facts are between you and your therapist...it is not fair to us because that chunk missing can change the whole thread and therefor the feedback you are getting from us at LS can be completely way off which I think its whats happening here because you keep snapping back at some I understand perhaps you are embarassed or just plain and simple are not able to open up about this 100% ...and I don't blame you...but how can any of us give you our input...views...thoughts...suggestions...support...if there's a whole chunk missing this is just an example ....nothing else other than an example... its like me starting a thread venting about how I crashed my car and how its not my fault cause the other driver is a jerk and oh what an idiot he ran the red light...but I'm keeping to myself the fact that I was drinking and smoked a joint on the way...which affected my reaction time see...sure the guy was at fault but I could have prevented it or moved had I been sober...because I would have seen it coming but my brain was on a delay due to well the fact that I was not sober...see how that changes the whole thing I can't come here and share a story halfway and expect to get the right feedback...c'mon you are a smart girl...I know you know this it wouldn't be fair to the community or myself...I feel like what's the point then? how can anyone see this differently if all that is provided is bits and pieces?
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Yes MSUE, I don't see why my advice to get a second opinion is so wrong? I thought it was just plain common sense. It doesn't mean that you don't trust your doctor, it just means that you have a mind of your own and ability to realize that professionals are people too and sometimes get it wrong. If a doctor told you that the best thing for your condition is to jump off the cliff, would you listen to him because he is after all a licensed professional? If I have learned anything in life is that putting blind faith in someone because they are a licensed professional can backfire big time. So can not listening to a logical advice of someone who doesn't have the relevant degrees but has life wisdom. Especially in something like psychology/psychiatry, it is very easy to misdiagnose. There are no lab tests to confirm the diagnosis so it can be highly subjective.
likestolaugh Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Dreamer, have you heard back from the guy at all?
MSUE Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Dreamer, have you heard back from the guy at all? I think that should be the last thing she should be worrying about...maybe not? maybe he will fill the holes about the story of what happened that night...other than...if I was him I'd run for the hills and that's the reaction 99.99% would have particularly someone you have only known for 10 days...its bad news
likestolaugh Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I think that should be the last thing she should be worrying about...maybe not? maybe he will fill the holes about the story of what happened that night...other than...if I was him I'd run for the hills and that's the reaction 99.99% would have particularly someone you have only known for 10 days...its bad news agreed, of course. I was just curious if that side of the issue had resolved itself. quite true, she shouldn't be worrying about that.
Author dreamergrl Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 LL - Nope I haven't heard from him, and no it's not a concern of mine. I had my birthday this week... had a great set of friends around me. Had a great time. Today I'm having my birthday party. I'm very excited about it. I've been feeling pretty good about things. Still no need to take the larazepam. So all in all, things are good My next appointment scheduled is at the end of the month. We'll see with my therapist says
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I met Dreamer this week. In my non-professional opinion, I say: Sane. LOL You guys are too funny. This forum has got to be one of the quirkiest places I spend time online. I'm wondering how many that have thrown stones on this thread are perfect.
Author dreamergrl Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 I met Dreamer this week. In my non-professional opinion, I say: Sane. LOL You guys are too funny. This forum has got to be one of the quirkiest places I spend time online. I'm wondering how many that have thrown stones on this thread are perfect. Thanks SS It was a blast! So, today I get en email via myspace from a girl claiming to be a friend of A. Talking a lot of stupid crap to me, saying how he told her all about my incident and what not, how psycho I am. Whether I should or shouldn't have, I felt it was the right thing to do - I emailed A and basically told him he can stop having his friends email me and that it was uncalled for. To my surprised he responded rather quickly, and claiming to not know who this person is, asking for the link to her page, ect ect. How is it he can respond to this, yet he couldn't respond to my email asking about the missing spots of that night?
Star Gazer Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 How is it he can respond to this, yet he couldn't respond to my email asking about the missing spots of that night? Because now you're attacking his integrity. THAT, he cares about.
MSUE Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Dreamer...I think you should just let it go regardless....who cares at this point...clrearly he doesn't give a crap cause he never even bothered telling you the parts of the story missing nor did he even txt to check on you...and to an extent I don't blame him you need to just keep on moving forward and ignore him or his friends...FOCUS ON YOU ONLY YOU AND THE POSITIVES AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THEREAPY...you need to figure out what's up w you what triggers it and how to prevent...control
sb129 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 How strange. I would have thought his integrity was somewhat compromised by way of the fact that he didn't even call or text to see if you were OK the next day. As if you need any more reminders right now!
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