How do you completely get over the addiction?

[movingforward]

Movingforward, Your story sounds very much like mine, except for the time it lasted. Not that mine lasted all the that long either.

 

I'm a "guy" (and an old one now) when my travail began I was over fifty. I didn't have the resources to deal with my situation medically or mentally. Not that I would have availed myself of them anyway. I was raised in an era when "toughing it out" was the way it happened. Again I envy you. Maybe my road would have been different with resources like yours. I had a little Single Malt Scotch and a great kitty (RIP) The kitty was experianced though, he'd been through the divorce with me.

 

Use those resources! Lean wherever you can. Try and stay busy too, believe me that helps. I put myself into my work until I started gambling, and that set my life back a few years (never borrowed, never more than I could earn plus bills). It wasn't an addiction. I walked away from it easily. No mental effects whatsoever.

 

You won't get many here who will agree with the following. I agree with your counsilor. DO NOT tell your husband. It will do damage that can never be healed. I went through a divorce from a cheating wife and it was over nearly instantly because I knew I could never forgive. The "better husband" your man is, IMO the less likely it is that he will be able to forgive. You will have to deal with the guilt. My bet is dealing with the guilt is much better than dealing with the damage.

 

Best of luck. When you have a few more posts you will be able to PM. I'm a good listener.

 

 

The funny thing is, I have been SO anti-infidelity my entire life. My father cheated on my mother and the fallout (as you can see) was far reaching. He disgusted me and so did his actions. I vowed NEVER to cheat and to never marry a man like him. Well, I did NOT marry a man like him for sure -- my husband is incredible. I, however, fell hard. And now I know that if it can happen to me, it can certainly happen to anyone. There's not a person that knows me who would think I would EVER engage in something like this. I will forever have to live with my guilt. I deserve it after what I've done.

 

I've read the posts and I know that the prevailing thinking here is that you must tell the spouse about the A. My husband and I have had many of the 'what if' discussions and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would leave me. It would crush him and change him forever. And it would effect my kids like it affected me. Most I'm sure think it's a cop-out, but I am protecting them from the horrible damage that would be inflicted if I confessed. No good can come of it. And I am committed to making my marriage better... I now know what needs to be fixed and I am taking the initiative... maybe we will come out of this stronger... who knows.

 

I'm having a hard time with the staying busy part. I tend to sit and stare at my computer waiting until my AP would email me (we've been trying the 'friend' thing up until today). It has remained a sick addiction with me that, after reading so much on these boards, I am ready to break. I hate being addicted to this man that I don't even love. Even as a friend he offers me nothing but pain and sadness, mostly because I want what he is now unwilling to give me -- those feelings from the beginning.

 

My therapy has been a lifesaver. And these boards. I am determined to beat this thing and move on happier and hopefully healthier. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I DO deserve to be happy, even after what I've done. Hopefully that will come in time.

 

Thank you, Lakeside, for your kind words and support. I can use all the help I can get.

[Devil Inside]

MF

 

How are you feeling today? Hopefully you are busy with the family.

 

I know that right now your brain and heart do not align. You know that this is for the best...what doesn't it feel that way...right? It is maddening.

 

One thing that may help is to eliminate as many vehicles of communication as possible. If he can't reach you, then maybe you will stop your hourly email checks. It is feeding the obsession of him.

 

I also think that trying to pour yourself into your marriage and parenting will help. Think of them. I know that whenever I am cuddling with one of my kids I realize how much I do stand to lose.

[movingforward]

MF

 

How are you feeling today? Hopefully you are busy with the family.

 

I know that right now your brain and heart do not align. You know that this is for the best...what doesn't it feel that way...right? It is maddening.

 

One thing that may help is to eliminate as many vehicles of communication as possible. If he can't reach you, then maybe you will stop your hourly email checks. It is feeding the obsession of him.

 

I also think that trying to pour yourself into your marriage and parenting will help. Think of them. I know that whenever I am cuddling with one of my kids I realize how much I do stand to lose.

 

 

Hi Devil... I've missed your words of advice. You're not allowed to take a day off from these boards, don't you know that?

 

So now you know what's happened. I do still feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I felt bad after going NC, but this feels much much worse. I KNOW I'm in control, but damn it's hard. I'm obsessing big time... not sleeping again, not eating. He is such a tool, yet I am allowing him to affect me like this. And what you said in the other thread is true... this IS all about that little girl that didn't get what she needed as a child. I know that from my therapy. I would be miserable if I was with him, yet the rejection is all I can think about. But I do know that NC is the way to go... yet of course my brain is constantly churning about how I can get him back into my life again so I can get the power. Dumb. He doesn't have the power. It's all an illusion.

 

How are you doing? How are things progressing with your wife? When I'm making strides to work on my marriage I've thought about you and your quest to do the same. I know it's hard. But from what you've posted on here, there DOES seem to be enough between the two of you to build off of. Only time will tell, of course, but I admire you both for making the commitment. The easier choice would be to just break up and go off and lick your wounds only to discover nothing has really been fixed (and it left a trail of destruction).

 

I am going to focus on my family this weekend. No email checks, I promise. My last communication with the AP was unfortunately left open ended, so I will probably hear from him one last time next week. I'm hoping that will be the end (or the beginning?).

[Devil Inside]

Hi Devil... I've missed your words of advice. You're not allowed to take a day off from these boards, don't you know that?

 

So now you know what's happened. I do still feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I felt bad after going NC, but this feels much much worse. I KNOW I'm in control, but damn it's hard. I'm obsessing big time... not sleeping again, not eating. He is such a tool, yet I am allowing him to affect me like this. And what you said in the other thread is true... this IS all about that little girl that didn't get what she needed as a child. I know that from my therapy. I would be miserable if I was with him, yet the rejection is all I can think about. But I do know that NC is the way to go... yet of course my brain is constantly churning about how I can get him back into my life again so I can get the power. Dumb. He doesn't have the power. It's all an illusion.

 

How are you doing? How are things progressing with your wife? When I'm making strides to work on my marriage I've thought about you and your quest to do the same. I know it's hard. But from what you've posted on here, there DOES seem to be enough between the two of you to build off of. Only time will tell, of course, but I admire you both for making the commitment. The easier choice would be to just break up and go off and lick your wounds only to discover nothing has really been fixed (and it left a trail of destruction).

 

I am going to focus on my family this weekend. No email checks, I promise. My last communication with the AP was unfortunately left open ended, so I will probably hear from him one last time next week. I'm hoping that will be the end (or the beginning?).

 

It is complicated. I try to not to gauge too much because then I drive myself crazy with it.

 

I am committed to work on it. Some days are better.

[movingforward]

Devil... keep me posted on how you are doing.

 

I'm still a mess with my AP. Trying to figure it out as well.

[Devil Inside]

Devil... keep me posted on how you are doing.

 

I'm still a mess with my AP. Trying to figure it out as well.

 

All things considered I am coping. I actually really enjoyed myself this weekend. I even had fun with my wife.

 

Sometimes I find myself just experiencing the moment...which is where I want to exist whenever possible.

 

How was your Monday? Any emails?

[movingforward]

All things considered I am coping. I actually really enjoyed myself this weekend. I even had fun with my wife.

 

Sometimes I find myself just experiencing the moment...which is where I want to exist whenever possible.

 

How was your Monday? Any emails?

 

 

Reading what you wrote made me smile... :-) I find myself trying really hard to just live in the moment as well. I made it a point to be with my family this weekend and try my hardest to be PRESENT. It is not a state I find that is easy for me to capture and even harder to maintain, but that's probably because I'm so out of practice. There was a point where my daughter crawled into bed with us and curled herself around me like she used to do when she was a toddler... I couldn't help feeling joy in that moment... that I am where I am supposed to be and that everything that has transpired will hopefully bring me renewed perspective on what's important.

 

.... that of course is until I start obsessing again. He didn't email me this weekend which I didn't expect anyway. I'll probably hear from him in a couple of days. We ended our last exchange still trying to "decide" where we (meaning 'he') wanted to go with the relationship. I go back and forth constantly with it all... when I'm feeling really happy I think, "I can be friends, I don't care about him anymore". But then something happens and I start to think, "I need him, why can't he be here for me". Overall, I just know in the end that he really doesn't offer me anything at all positive. He is miserable in his life -- his job is in flux, he is always mad at his wife, he doesn't have any friends. He really is a downer when I talk to him. Yet another example of how screwed up addiction is when you are addicted to something that really isn't as appealing as you originally thought (but the addiction remains).

 

Are you and your wife going to MC? From the sounds of it, you are both willing to put in the effort to make things better which is helpful. My husband and I are going to sign up soon. Nothing is 'wrong' per se... we just need to learn to SEE each other again if that makes sense.

 

I read your post on the other board, about "do you tell the BS or not". As a therapist, what do you advise your patients? There are moments when I am alone with my H and I think, "just tell him!". Somedays I'm just not sure.

[inhindsight]

I feel kind of bad intruding on your dialogue - but movingforward and Devil Inside... I have to thank you for sharing your stories, experiences and feelings.

 

I am a recovering WS... and I still have repercussions of the loss of my AP and it's been 10 months now. We were together for just shy of a year.

 

I have been with my H for 16 years.

 

All the feelings you both posted... I think lots of people feel this way, particularly those who had very intense emotional feelings towards the AP. I really felt in love with mine... in some ways I feel he understood me better than anyone else has ever, and we were on the same wavelength with many things. We even discussed leaving our existing spouses to be with one another... but it just doesn't add up. 5 kids involved in total, lots of pain, lots of hurt, loss of respect and trust from friends, family, loved ones... alienation from those who once were your friends.... it just didn't seem worth it, so it was never pursued, and ultimately we both disclosed to our spouses.

 

My H is a good man, and I am so sorry that I ever hurt him. He never deserved this betrayal.

 

Thanks for sharing... it helps to know I'm not alone in my struggles to conquer my demons.

[Devil Inside]

I feel kind of bad intruding on your dialogue - but movingforward and Devil Inside... I have to thank you for sharing your stories, experiences and feelings.

 

I am a recovering WS... and I still have repercussions of the loss of my AP and it's been 10 months now. We were together for just shy of a year.

 

I have been with my H for 16 years.

 

All the feelings you both posted... I think lots of people feel this way, particularly those who had very intense emotional feelings towards the AP. I really felt in love with mine... in some ways I feel he understood me better than anyone else has ever, and we were on the same wavelength with many things. We even discussed leaving our existing spouses to be with one another... but it just doesn't add up. 5 kids involved in total, lots of pain, lots of hurt, loss of respect and trust from friends, family, loved ones... alienation from those who once were your friends.... it just didn't seem worth it, so it was never pursued, and ultimately we both disclosed to our spouses.

 

My H is a good man, and I am so sorry that I ever hurt him. He never deserved this betrayal.

 

Thanks for sharing... it helps to know I'm not alone in my struggles to conquer my demons.

 

Welcome to the party! I am glad that our stories struck a cord with you. It does feel better to know I am not alone.

 

So you still are dealing with this 10 months later? Yikes I am a little over two months NC...I hope in eight months I feel almost over her.

 

What have you done to grieve the loss? I find it hard because I do not want to openly grieve in front of my wife...it's one of the reasons I came here.

 

Please keep posting.

[inhindsight]

Welcome to the party! I am glad that our stories struck a cord with you. It does feel better to know I am not alone.

 

So you still are dealing with this 10 months later? Yikes I am a little over two months NC...I hope in eight months I feel almost over her.

 

What have you done to grieve the loss? I find it hard because I do not want to openly grieve in front of my wife...it's one of the reasons I came here.

 

Please keep posting.

 

 

Yup, 10 months later.... technically shorter if only full NC. We tried to maintain contact on a "friendship" level... but when things are as intense as they had become, it doesn't work. Too many feelings lingering underneath. Emotional outpourings and whatnot. Doesn't help to move on. It was really back and forth. the beginning was really bad, we didn't start NC until 5 weeks after, and that lasted about 4 weeks; then tried to re-establish contact, but same results.

 

So finally NC after 6 months.... and I don't fantasize as much, or I guess have obsessive thoughts about it as much, but every once in a while things trigger a floodgate of memories. Driving by a park we would picnic at, driving into an underground parkade we once trysted in, songs we both liked come on the radio, places we would eat.

 

H ran into him at the gym once afterwards - he didn't deck the guy, but I know he gave him evil daggered looks.

 

my ex- OM's BS randomly texts me or emails me with hate messages, and it is always at a point I feel like I'm doing alright, and then I get her message, and the words make my blood run cold and it's back to square one.

 

My problem is, I have internalized a lot of my turmoil.... with no one to confide in about my indiscretion, it's hard. I have always been a very self-reflective person, so I don't know if there's much "discovery" left for me to pursue on how or why it all happened. I have always struggled with self-love and in the past have used "blame" strategies to deflect why I've done what I have done (oh, H isn't affectionate, he is not into self-discovery and awareness, intellectual discussions rarely take place, blah blah blah) but ultimately I am responsible for everything.

 

Whoa, didn't mean to totally unload like that. I guess I came to this place because it was at a point that I think I need to share and learn, and then I can finally be released from the feelings that still linger inside me.

 

I miss him still... but I guess it is I miss "things" about him or our relationship. I have found that through open communication with my H on my needs and desires has truly facilitated a much improved relationship.

 

We rarely discuss in depth what happened, but it does come up, usually as a remark made in passing to remind me that all is not forgotten, and that I'm not off scott-free. Trust is an issue, but he is starting to trust me again. I am lucky he has given me a chance to begin again.

[boldjack]

OP, to get over the "addiction, you must be completely honest with yourself and your H or SO. If you were an alcoholic, the first thing you do is to admit, in public, that you are one. An affair is the very same thing. You have to admit to your husband, everything, or you will never heal.

[LakesideDream]

OP, to get over the "addiction, you must be completely honest with yourself and your H or SO. If you were an alcoholic, the first thing you do is to admit, in public, that you are one. An affair is the very same thing. You have to admit to your husband, everything, or you will never heal.

 

 

I believe full disclosure is one of many alternatives. As a BS I am happy I didn't "know" until the marriage was over. It would have destroyed the enviourment my children were raised in. Successfully bringing up those children was more important than my feelings, or frankly more important than anything in my life.

 

I believe that most important in all situations is that a WS who wants to continue to be married, and to improve their marrige must commit to not repeat the behavior and to make a total effort to repair the damage to the marriage whether the BS knows about the affair or not.

 

All this "confession" is part of the rebuilding process ... in all cases ... just isn't true. Often there is more at stake than just the BS's needs.

[boldjack]

LSD, I have been both a WS and an OM, more than a few times. I have never seen a marriage based on deceit, that was successful. To recommitt to a marriage, means to recommitt to the marriage vows, how is this possible, if the ws isn't honest? What you are trying to do, is give the ws an excuse for continuing to lie, and deceive. In the mistaken belief, that a bad marriage is better for the children, than two honest parents, either apart or together.

[Devil Inside]

MF it has been awhile since I have seen you post. How ya doing?

[NowhereToHide]

MF it has been awhile since I have seen you post. How ya doing?

 

 

Hey DI... I'm doing well (switched names). Got into a little blow-up with my AP after the NC email with him responding in a way that got HIM to break it off instead.

 

We're not completely NC right now, more like LC.

 

I'm doing better. Trying to figure out my marriage right now -- in a similar situation as you (except my H doesn't know about the A). I'm currently looking for a good MC for us.

 

How is your counseling going?

[Devil Inside]

Hey DI... I'm doing well (switched names). Got into a little blow-up with my AP after the NC email with him responding in a way that got HIM to break it off instead.

 

We're not completely NC right now, more like LC.

 

I'm doing better. Trying to figure out my marriage right now -- in a similar situation as you (except my H doesn't know about the A). I'm currently looking for a good MC for us.

 

How is your counseling going?

 

I was wondering why there were two new members that sounded so similar...duh.

 

Well I have been reading your posts NTH...LOL.

 

My counseling is definitely a process. One thing that I really appreciate about my IC is that he is very good at allowing me to work through things. He really helps to have me look at all sides of an issue.

 

In my last sessions he had me talk about why I would or would not separate with my wife, and why I would or would not do it now or later.

 

Being honest with myself has been a very painful yet enlightening experience.

[NowhereToHide]

I was wondering why there were two new members that sounded so similar...duh.

 

Well I have been reading your posts NTH...LOL.

 

My counseling is definitely a process. One thing that I really appreciate about my IC is that he is very good at allowing me to work through things. He really helps to have me look at all sides of an issue.

 

In my last sessions he had me talk about why I would or would not separate with my wife, and why I would or would not do it now or later.

 

Being honest with myself has been a very painful yet enlightening experience.

 

 

Yes... I, too, have been finding that the honesty with myself is extremely difficult. My therapist has her work cut out for her for sure.

 

My emotions have been running the gamut. Some of them have surprised me. At one point I hit complete indifference to my AP (a big surprise). And while I feel like my feelings are definitely more in check now, I still get moments of intense sadness over the loss of him. Then, I was hit with a HUGE brick of guilt over what I had done. I had many sessions with my therapist over that. It is still a very hard thing for me to live with everyday. And then, strangely, I got angry with my H. Not rational, I know, since I was the one that cheated. But I got angry at how emotionally closed-off he has been to me for so long. And I don't blame him at all for the affair... I know it was ME, so that emotion was a weird one.

 

Overall, I am just a big, fat mess. Most days I'm not sure how I feel or which emotion is going to overtake me.

 

You mentioned in another post about your ambivalence to your marriage. What does your therapist say about that? I sometimes get moments of that, too. I know the easy thing is to leave (as hard as it would be). The real hard work is putting in the effort everyday to fix what's broken. Somedays I'm not sure I have it in me to fix me AND my marriage. It feels so daunting. But then I know that I have this huge cross to bear for what I've done and I owe it to everyone to try my hardest to fix all of this.

 

How is your wife feeling about everything? Is she in IC as well?

 

Good to hear from you.

[NowhereToHide]

DI... I'm having a bad day today... Hope you're doing better.

 

Do you find when you're not getting along or connecting with your W that you think more about your AP? My husband did something this weekend that really disappointed me. And now I have this weird thing where I don't feel like I have the right to be angry with him (for anything) because of my guilt.

 

Any words of advice?

[Devil Inside]

DI... I'm having a bad day today... Hope you're doing better.

 

Do you find when you're not getting along or connecting with your W that you think more about your AP? My husband did something this weekend that really disappointed me. And now I have this weird thing where I don't feel like I have the right to be angry with him (for anything) because of my guilt.

 

Any words of advice?

 

Hey NTH...I'm sorry you're having a bad day...I have plenty of those myself..I know how much they suck.

 

I often find that I will think about my AP when I am feeling lonely or distant from my W. I try to use thought stopping techniques to get her out of my head when this happens. I also try to really take account of what I am feeling when I think about her. Most of the time I will find that when I am lonely, tired, sad, or overwhelmed I will want to reach out to her..and think about her. This shows me what a comfort blanket she had become for me. It also shows me how I avoiding difficult emotions by interacting with her...she always made me feel better...which is ok...but I really need to get to a point in my life where I can tolerate these emotions rather than handle them through addictive behaviors.

 

Like you I find it hard to be upset with my W because of my guilt. This is also unproductive. I mean my W cheated on me too...so I need to feel that at some point...I do...but then the guilt takes over.

 

My therapist is working with me on getting to a point where I can separate all these things...it will be a long road.

 

Hang in there.

[blinded]

DI... I'm having a bad day today... Hope you're doing better.

 

Do you find when you're not getting along or connecting with your W that you think more about your AP? My husband did something this weekend that really disappointed me. And now I have this weird thing where I don't feel like I have the right to be angry with him (for anything) because of my guilt.

 

Any words of advice?

 

Although I am not DI, you said kind words to me so I am hoping to return the favor. I may not be the best person to be giving advice given my track record and my wounds are still so fresh. But I realized sometimes when talking w/my friends we get into convos where we vent about our spouses and the things they've done to annoy or let us down. Everyone has something to contribute and each story is validated. We usually end up laughing about it. WS or not, you have a right to let him know your feelings were hurt so hopefully it won't happen again.

 

Your post has me thinking, I would do the opposite. I would hold the anger towards my H in and use it to justify why I was communicating to xMM. It was bad judgement. Luckily some of you are working with a therapist. If you ever need someone to just listen to you vent, I'm avail.

 

((hugs))

[NowhereToHide]

Hey NTH...I'm sorry you're having a bad day...I have plenty of those myself..I know how much they suck.

 

I often find that I will think about my AP when I am feeling lonely or distant from my W. I try to use thought stopping techniques to get her out of my head when this happens. I also try to really take account of what I am feeling when I think about her. Most of the time I will find that when I am lonely, tired, sad, or overwhelmed I will want to reach out to her..and think about her. This shows me what a comfort blanket she had become for me. It also shows me how I avoiding difficult emotions by interacting with her...she always made me feel better...which is ok...but I really need to get to a point in my life where I can tolerate these emotions rather than handle them through addictive behaviors.

 

Like you I find it hard to be upset with my W because of my guilt. This is also unproductive. I mean my W cheated on me too...so I need to feel that at some point...I do...but then the guilt takes over.

 

My therapist is working with me on getting to a point where I can separate all these things...it will be a long road.

 

Hang in there.

 

 

This is very true. Interesting... I've never actually stopped to analyze how I am feeling when my AP becomes so much more top of mind. But I have been having a rough time the last few days (emotionally) so I suppose it makes sense that I go to the "fantasy" as an escape. I am a fan of the thought-stopping as well, although it sometimes feels as though I am not mentally strong enough to maintain it.

 

And the guilt... well, it does make sense that you can feel anger towards your wife since she cheated. We should be able to feel what we need to feel sometimes. My husband, however, is "clean" of all of this, so I am just marinating in the guilt I suppose. And I've always had an underlying belief that he is "better" than me anyways, so this just fits right in.

 

Thanks for the insight.