MW on this board

[Devil Inside]

*sigh*

 

You missed the whole point ..............

 

I am just being a pain here.

 

I get you...and yeah I agree...if it doesn't help there is an ignore function.

[silktricks]

I've seen more MM get bashed than MW. Some OW vent their anger at the MM who is posting and the guy isn't their MM. But, I guess it's the same when a BS vents their anger at an OW who is posting.. I do find MW's and OM's get bashed less than MM and OW.

 

seems to me...

 

the MM who fall in love with the OW and leave their wife for her are bashed the least

 

the MM who deeply regret the affair and say they don't love (or even like) the former OW are bashed the most

 

all others fall between those two extremes

[tami-chan]

And who is doing that?

 

I think anyone that provides input into the original question provides something to the thread.

 

And we don't know the motives of people who post.

 

Some post in a more direct way, but that doesn't mean, at least to me, that their thoughts/words/advice are any less valuable.

 

I understand what you are saying, but not sure how that is a response to what I said . My point was, there are those who say they do not care...which is curious because if they do not care why then post? You are right, we do not know the motives of everyone who post. And I did not say anything about whose posts are more valuable than others....Again, I am JUST saying that I am perplexed about those people who say, they "do not care"---- to spend time thinking about what to say and actually typing the words, seems to me too much effort for nothing, unless of course they just like seeing their words posted--like I said, likened to just wanting to "hear one's self speak"or they are lying.

[tami-chan]

Why do people have to include in their response "you are going to get bashed" or "you aren't going to get a lot of support here".

 

Why not? Some people feel as "old-timers" it is helpful to give fair warning to the newbies so as not to scare them off-many come to this particular board mistakenly thinking there will be sympathy and empathy but oftentimes is it the BS who respond more ( which is of course helpful) and they are feel, in effect, "duped "...At any rate, do you think it is wrong ? why does it bother you?

 

If you (the ones who write this) feel that way, why are you here? Obviously you stay because you want to help someone or share an experience. Is it only okay to stay and advise people if you blow sunshine up their rear with your advice?

 

Well, of course not, that is why there is that thing called "tough love", no?

[herenow]

I may not be the best person to answer the OP, but I do have my opinion about the situation.

 

I think that some single OW get a bit perturbed with MW because they see a married person cheating and they (the single OW) relate to the AP (the person the MW is cheating with). It may be that the OW wants the MM to leave his marriage and they (the single OW) don't like the MW who stays married while cheating with an OM. Does that make sense?

[Owl]

I personally, as a 'real old-timer' here, feel that the "warning" newcomers that they're going to get bashed just puts them on the defensive, and it causes them to immediately get a bit of a 'chip' on their shoulder...

 

They typically already know that they're engaging in behaviors that most people don't approve of...then someone comes along and warns them to expect an attack...they then take everything that they don't automatically agree with as an attack/insult.

 

Let THEM judge what 'bashing' consists of.

 

Don't put them on the defensive and start them off on the wrong foot to begin with.

[tami-chan]

I personally, as a 'real old-timer' here, feel that the "warning" newcomers that they're going to get bashed just puts them on the defensive, and it causes them to immediately get a bit of a 'chip' on their shoulder...

 

They typically already know that they're engaging in behaviors that most people don't approve of...then someone comes along and warns them to expect an attack...they then take everything that they don't automatically agree with as an attack/insult.

 

Let THEM judge what 'bashing' consists of.

 

Don't put them on the defensive and start them off on the wrong foot to begin with.

 

That is well and good, Owl..but many have come hoping to find support-i.e. sympathy, empthy, understanding....because they read that on the homepage that this forum is for so and so...etc.etc... only to find, it IS not what they thought it was....so in effect, it is almost like an ambush.

 

So I think it makes it fair to warn them that people here can be caustic and downright evil, especially if the Op or AP is not the kind of OP/AP they( some BSs/reformed OPs) like (remorseful, ready to end the relationship, open to NC, etc)...many OPs/APs are not yet in that point...our hope is that, they will at some point in their lives/relationships get to where they will do right for themselves and/or content with what they have...whatever it is....

[Owl]

I don't think we're going to see eye to eye on this, Tami.

 

I think they DO get support here.

 

There is bashing...but I also believe that it is drastically exacerbated by people on both sides who try to continually create these rifts, or keep them going.

 

If everyone would quit trying to "take sides", and simply post their own advice without trying to critique (or bash) other's advice....there'd be a lot less for anyone to complain about.

 

The problem is...everyone wants to create sides and attack those that are on the other side.

 

KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY.

 

Post your view, and why you feel it's appropriate...let the others post theirs...point out where you disagree with them...but don't turn the whole thing into a BS vs OW/OM game. And don't try to denigrate them or invalidate their advice because you feel it's bashing or "not appropriate" because they're from "the other side".

 

As I've said on another thread...it's this change in this site that seriously disheartens me, and causes me to begin to doubt the value of continuing to post here at all.

[Woggle]

When the hell do MW get bashed more? All I hear is them being portrayed as the victim and the man being blamed for everything while MM who cheat are the scum of the earth. I think that many expect everybody to just cheer them on with a you go girl attitude and when somebody is honest with them they don't like it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Its something I've noticed on other forums too.

 

I wonder why MW seem to be so much more villanized than MM?

 

 

Well I won't take it any more easy on a MM than a MW.

 

But I think too many times MW will try to make it out to be that their cheating should be understood and there was a good reason why they cheated, therefore making excuses. Because when a MW cheats, somehow it was justified, but not when a MM cheats.

 

Either is a crock. I don't care who it is or what gender one is, nothing justifies it.

[fooled once]

I personally, as a 'real old-timer' here, feel that the "warning" newcomers that they're going to get bashed just puts them on the defensive, and it causes them to immediately get a bit of a 'chip' on their shoulder...

 

They typically already know that they're engaging in behaviors that most people don't approve of...then someone comes along and warns them to expect an attack...they then take everything that they don't automatically agree with as an attack/insult.

 

Let THEM judge what 'bashing' consists of.

 

Don't put them on the defensive and start them off on the wrong foot to begin with.

 

Owl always says it best - this is exactly what I was meaning.

 

Thanks Owl for knowing what was in my head

[fooled once]

I don't think we're going to see eye to eye on this, Tami.

 

I think they DO get support here.

 

There is bashing...but I also believe that it is drastically exacerbated by people on both sides who try to continually create these rifts, or keep them going.

 

If everyone would quit trying to "take sides", and simply post their own advice without trying to critique (or bash) other's advice....there'd be a lot less for anyone to complain about.

 

The problem is...everyone wants to create sides and attack those that are on the other side.

 

KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY.

 

Post your view, and why you feel it's appropriate...let the others post theirs...point out where you disagree with them...but don't turn the whole thing into a BS vs OW/OM game. And don't try to denigrate them or invalidate their advice because you feel it's bashing or "not appropriate" because they're from "the other side".

 

As I've said on another thread...it's this change in this site that seriously disheartens me, and causes me to begin to doubt the value of continuing to post here at all.

 

And again, I totally agree.

[Devil Inside]

I agree that it would help to have less cross talk..and more direct answers to the OP.

[OWoman]

Well, I'm a MW and post on an OW board . I'm just not a CS...

 

I started out as a MOW, but I couldn't stomach the idea of being a cheater, so I divorced. As a result, I have some difficulty understanding why others don't do the same. But, the other result of my experience is I don't believe people should stay in a M for the sake of the M alone, nor "for the kids". It's more in line with OW thinking than MM thinking, and nowhere near typical BS thinking that one sees in Infidelity. So, I can see why it's easier for MW's to be over here.

 

Misty, I think you've summed up what a lot of MWs have in common. Their perspective tends more often to approach that of an OW, rather than that of a MM, in how they approach the A. Sure, there are some MWs who are involved with SOMs, rather than MMs, but their focus in posting is more often on the R with the OM rather than the split between their M with their H and the pull towards their OM, with the odd exception, unlike typical MM posts.

[Holding-On]

Well I am sure you all know my case by now but for myself, again, I am a MW but I am not cheating. I have an open marriage.

 

I do not have quite the problems of a stereotypical single OW, looking for a monogamous relationship but getting sucked into a relationship with a MM she hopes against hope is going to leave his wife for her... someday.

 

However, in this forum I'm identifying with some of the OW problems as I continue to distance myself emotionally from my xMM (who is in a conventional marriage).

 

I'm not a WS so no need to be in the infidelity forum. My marriage is fine, fabulous in fact. I adore my husband. Mentioning that in this forum seems... rude though.

[NoIDidn't]

Well I won't take it any more easy on a MM than a MW.

 

But I think too many times MW will try to make it out to be that their cheating should be understood and there was a good reason why they cheated, therefore making excuses. Because when a MW cheats, somehow it was justified, but not when a MM cheats.

 

Either is a crock. I don't care who it is or what gender one is, nothing justifies it.

 

 

LOL. Dexter, you are nothing if not consistent!

 

[Holding-On]

That is well and good, Owl..but many have come hoping to find support-i.e. sympathy, empthy, understanding....because they read that on the homepage that this forum is for so and so...etc.etc... only to find, it IS not what they thought it was....so in effect, it is almost like an ambush.

 

So I think it makes it fair to warn them that people here can be caustic and downright evil, especially if the Op or AP is not the kind of OP/AP they( some BSs/reformed OPs) like (remorseful, ready to end the relationship, open to NC, etc)...many OPs/APs are not yet in that point...our hope is that, they will at some point in their lives/relationships get to where they will do right for themselves and/or content with what they have...whatever it is....

 

Thank you Tami. You write with compassion.

I agree, that is how the forum reads and if you are just browsing and finally find a forum on the internet that seems to fit that need especially when you are in an emotionally low and desperate point - as many OP are - it does seem fair to warn the newcomers.

 

This isn't quite SI but it sure isn't TOW either and our (OP) combined, sometimes pointed reminders about the purpose of this board and the value of compassion has toned the board back down to a more civil roar.

 

Frankly, if the BBS (bitter BS) want the OW to change - and some change is what they themselves are probably seeking if they come here after all - then a board between SI and TOW is needed. This board serves that purpose.

[NoIDidn't]

My marriage is fine, fabulous in fact. I adore my husband. Mentioning that in this forum seems... rude though.

 

I think you just touched on something.

 

You are a MW, but not an OW. But a lot of the MW here, seem to identify more with OW. As if, they too are waiting for the MM to leave the M for them.

 

But what you hit on was the fact that talking about the marriage could possibly be considered rude. Why would it be rude? Because some are too delusional in their thinking to be able to accept such? KWIM?

 

In this forum in general, there is a lot of denial that there IS an actual MARRIAGE to be considered. And I think this is where and why there is so much disagreement.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know this is a subset of Infidelity, where one is cheating on a marriage or otherwise violating one in some way (open marriages don't really count in this, though). There would be no A, if it weren't for one of the partners being married.

 

Of course, infidelity happens in unmarried couples too, but there aren't a lot of them posting in this particular forum.

[Holding-On]

I think you just touched on something.

 

You are a MW, but not an OW. But a lot of the MW here, seem to identify more with OW. As if, they too are waiting for the MM to leave the M for them.

 

But what you hit on was the fact that talking about the marriage could possibly be considered rude. Why would it be rude? Because some are too delusional in their thinking to be able to accept such? KWIM?

 

In this forum in general, there is a lot of denial that there IS an actual MARRIAGE to be considered. And I think this is where and why there is so much disagreement.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know this is a subset of Infidelity, where one is cheating on a marriage or otherwise violating one in some way (open marriages don't really count in this, though). There would be no A, if it weren't for one of the partners being married.

 

Of course, infidelity happens in unmarried couples too, but there aren't a lot of them posting in this particular forum.

 

Wow. Excellent question. I have to sort this out.

 

Hmmm... that is hard to put into words or figure out.

It seems rude to me to mention my marriage probably out of respect for those single OW struggling with having noone else. It seems cake-eater and thus typical MM. I am a cake-eater but simply recognized that early on. I would rather take the downsides of poly than the upsides of monogamy.

 

And again this forum focuses on being the other. Most MW/MM leave their OP hats on. In TOW this was required, so threads don't derail too much...

[NoIDidn't]

And again this forum focuses on being the other. Most MW/MM leave their OP hats on. In TOW this was required, so threads don't derail too much...

 

And that is why I love this place! Its not TOW with all of its ridiculous hats drivel - as if people are one dimensional (maybe some are, I am not).

 

And its not SI, where any positive mention about the OP is treated as blasphemy.

 

Seriously, it was an affair NOT Armmaggedon! Not the worst thing ever. We can say positive things about people who aren't always being positive (this doesn't count for polys because you aren't breaking any rules when the M is open anyway).

[tami-chan]

Hi Holding-On, thank you for your kind words!

 

I think I understand why you said mentioning your fabulous marriage here would seem rude...after all, most, if not all of us were at one point or another, suffering in our marriages because one partner ( if not ourselves) chose to go outside of our marriages and could not be honest about it.....maybe for lack of courage, lack of strength or lack of faith that the relationship would survive, etc.etc....and mentioning your fabulous, open marriage seem to magnified our inability to do the right thing. But don't worry about it too much-we can all be adults about this (I think )and hope to learn from your experience...so please share away....

 

Anyway, I do really think that as an MW/OW, I was treated harsher than the single OW. Of course, it didn't help that I did not express regret or remorse .

[OWoman]

Anyway, I do really think that as an MW/OW, I was treated harsher than the single OW. Of course, it didn't help that I did not express regret or remorse .

 

I think the absence of regret or remorse, rather than the marital status of the OW, is what gets them flamed around these parts! My first thread was deleted amidst an inferno of the worst kind of name-calling you can imagine - simply because I refused to recant or accept that there was anything wrong with my R with a MM. And the same has happened to other OWs too - anyone who expresses satisfaction with being an OW, who doesn't constantly apologise to any BW present past or future, and who doesn't cringe with remorse and regret every touch, every whispered endearment, every throbbing kiss is somehow the evil recipient of all the venom that the bitterest BS, the most holy reformed OW and the most indignant morality-bound young'un can muster.

 

Especially if they "spit on the institution of marriage" - either through subverting it by "cheating" on their own, or through disregarding the M status of others habitually in their hunting, or through other practices which show it up as irrelevant, hypocritical or outmoded. It's as if putting distance between oneself and someone else's dearly held values is necessarily an act of evil - like spitting on their bible or ripping up their american flag, rather than simply living by a different, equally valid, moral code.

[OWoman]

My marriage is fine, fabulous in fact. I adore my husband. Mentioning that in this forum seems... rude though.

 

Funny, I tend to get the same response... (though I suspect for different reasons, and from different people!)