Letting the Mistress go

[Ladyblue]

Fallen Angel, thank you for putting it into words so incredibly well. That's exactly how it is and what it's about. Green eyed lady and lovely10, also. Thank you. As a single OW, I needed your words.

[thebadguy]

Thank you for all your responses I have gotten alot out of them.

 

In regards to me not liking what was said on another board is not the case, i deleted from there causes it was not the proper place for my question.

 

I know very well that I have to work on myself and in my life I have had alot of issues putting peoples happiness before mine (although not in this situation).

 

In regards to those that said I am using my children as an excuse well your r entitled to an opinion but i will elaborate so may think before you judge.

 

Part of what drove a wedge between me and the wife was male factor infertility, you wanna talk about not being able to give someone something they want!!!!

 

This drove us into a emotional sexual and financial turmoil which we never recovered even when we got the two beautiful children. I know for a fact that this world is a better place cause they are here and will never regret what we went through to have them. So would I stay for them yes.

 

Am I a Martyr???? Perhaps but I also dont desire or want drama as some suggested.

[MizFit]

Thank you for all your responses I have gotten alot out of them.

 

In regards to me not liking what was said on another board is not the case, i deleted from there causes it was not the proper place for my question.

 

I know very well that I have to work on myself and in my life I have had alot of issues putting peoples happiness before mine (although not in this situation).

 

In regards to those that said I am using my children as an excuse well your r entitled to an opinion but i will elaborate so may think before you judge.

 

Part of what drove a wedge between me and the wife was male factor infertility, you wanna talk about not being able to give someone something they want!!!!

 

This drove us into a emotional sexual and financial turmoil which we never recovered even when we got the two beautiful children. I know for a fact that this world is a better place cause they are here and will never regret what we went through to have them. So would I stay for them yes.

 

Am I a Martyr???? Perhaps but I also dont desire or want drama as some suggested.

 

If you didn't desire the drama you wouldn't be in the middle of it. An affair is conducive to drama...you've been in it for 5 years...I think you're one of the men who will always seek it and deny the desire for it.

[MistyK]

Am I a Martyr???? Perhaps but I also dont desire or want drama as some suggested.

 

You aren't a martyr. Martyrs sacrifice something. You are not sacrificing anything by having it both ways. The only people sacrificing here are your W and the OW, and all so you don't have to make a real sacrifice. You're pushing them both under the bus so you don't have to sacrifice. That's about as far from being a martyr as I can imagine.

[Taramere]

Part of what drove a wedge between me and the wife was male factor infertility, you wanna talk about not being able to give someone something they want!!!!

 

This drove us into a emotional sexual and financial turmoil which we never recovered even when we got the two beautiful children. I know for a fact that this world is a better place cause they are here and will never regret what we went through to have them. So would I stay for them yes.

 

Am I a Martyr???? Perhaps but I also dont desire or want drama as some suggested.

 

I can well believe that you don't want drama. The situation you've described sounds very much like someone employing various crutches in an attempt to avoid any drama and conflict. But sooner or later, drama will ensue from this - and there's really no escape from that. Apart from anything, by creating this huge secret in your life (having a mistress for the past 5 years) you have sown the seeds of big time drama. So complaining about not wanting drama doesn't really cut it.

 

It will most probably really kick in once your mistress leaves your life, and you become more and more stressed, unhappy and discontented as a result of losing that coping mechanism. Tensions spiralling in the household in a way that will leave your wife bewildered (assuming she doesn't know what's going on) as to what's causing it. Questioning herself and wondering what she's doing wrong. "Have I been supportive enough? How can I get us reconnected? What am I doing wrong?"

 

But it's not her. It's you.

 

You're acting like a child by focusing on what's best for your mistress here. It might not be easy for her, but she does at least have the advantage (unlike your wife and your children) of being absolutely clear about what's been going on here. She doesn't have to deal with the pain, humiliation and breakdown of trust that comes with having been lied to. You can feel like a relatively clean person around her, because you haven't lied to her. So why wouldn't you want to keep focusing on her needs and what's best for her? She provides at least one realm in which you can feel like a fairly honourable guy.

 

This isn't about you being a good or a bad guy. It's about you behaving in a weak, dishonest manner because you dislike drama and confrontation. The longer you put that drama and confrontation off, the worse it's going to be in the long term. Meantime, with all the avoidance and dishonesty, you'll be creating all kinds of strange vibes in your own home. Vibes that your children will be picking up on and assuming "this is normal. This is how life is. This is how relationships are."

 

Why don't you just stop creeping around trying to figure out how you can convince everyone that you're a nice guy, and start bringing a bit of honesty and openness to your marriage? Of course there's going to be drama and fall-out. You're not going to progress this situation at all until you can accept that, and get ready to deal with it.

[grogster]

I can well believe that you don't want drama. The situation you've described sounds very much like someone employing various crutches in an attempt to avoid any drama and conflict. But sooner or later, drama will ensue from this - and there's really no escape from that. Apart from anything, by creating this huge secret in your life (having a mistress for the past 5 years) you have sown the seeds of big time drama. So complaining about not wanting drama doesn't really cut it.

 

It will most probably really kick in once your mistress leaves your life, and you become more and more stressed, unhappy and discontented as a result of losing that coping mechanism. Tensions spiralling in the household in a way that will leave your wife bewildered (assuming she doesn't know what's going on) as to what's causing it. Questioning herself and wondering what she's doing wrong. "Have I been supportive enough? How can I get us reconnected? What am I doing wrong?"

 

But it's not her. It's you.

 

You're acting like a child by focusing on what's best for your mistress here. It might not be easy for her, but she does at least have the advantage (unlike your wife and your children) of being absolutely clear about what's been going on here. She doesn't have to deal with the pain, humiliation and breakdown of trust that comes with having been lied to. You can feel like a relatively clean person around her, because you haven't lied to her. So why wouldn't you want to keep focusing on her needs and what's best for her? She provides at least one realm in which you can feel like a fairly honourable guy.

 

This isn't about you being a good or a bad guy. It's about you behaving in a weak, dishonest manner because you dislike drama and confrontation. The longer you put that drama and confrontation off, the worse it's going to be in the long term. Meantime, with all the avoidance and dishonesty, you'll be creating all kinds of strange vibes in your own home. Vibes that your children will be picking up on and assuming "this is normal. This is how life is. This is how relationships are."

 

Why don't you just stop creeping around trying to figure out how you can convince everyone that you're a nice guy, and start bringing a bit of honesty and openness to your marriage? Of course there's going to be drama and fall-out. You're not going to progress this situation at all until you can accept that, and get ready to deal with it.

 

If the Affair ends, there will be major spill-over into the marriage. The OP will become depressed, surly, alienated and even more passive aggressive towards his wife. When an Affair becomes a marital crutch, and that crutch is removed, the marriage stumbles and falls.

 

How do I know this? I lived it.

 

One can never completely erase an affair. The pain the cheater causes to loved ones (and that's whom the affair harms the most--those closest to the cheater, the Affair's "ground zero" so to speak) fades over time but it never entirely disappears. It lingers, always.

 

I ended my affair and my marriage. I've spent the years post-affair rebuilding my sense of self, restoring strained or broken relationships and otherwise learning how not to act like a dick.

 

It's not "fun," but at least I'm no longer living a lie and betraying those who loved and cared for me the most.

 

Your choice.

[SoleMate]

No need to make this situation complicated, it's actually quite simple.

 

In the best interests of the OW, please end the affair. That will enable her to move on to a real 1:1 relationship.

[bentnotbroken]

And end it with the wife so she can find someone who respects her more than you do.

[mourningMM]

1) The OW is dating someone, everyone is assuming he is single, but there is no confirmation.

2) The wife may be having an affair, but no one has questioned that.

3) the OW new boyfriend may be married.

 

The marriage may be for the children, fine...but it is also for appearances.

 

The affair is for love and sex and sizzle.

The marriage is for duty and for show.

 

 

What do you think you are teaching your children?

 

At 6 and 8 they know that mom and dad don't act like other kids moms and dads.

 

They see times that you are not arround and are not available to them...those times you are with your OW.

 

Boy or girl, they are learning how to treat a spouse from your actions...and that treatment is unhealthy.

 

My opinion:

The OW is scared sh*tless of committment and is not a healthy individual.

TheBadGuy is scared sh*tless of looking bad, of communicating honestly with the wife, and of causing more damage.

 

Triangles are bad, but they are stable...but adding a 4th? All three of you will now be exposed to the sex life of this new fellow.

 

If she wants to date someone else, man-up and keep your wife safe from disease...if nothing else.

 

If you end the affair you have hope for a new life; if you stay in the A you will be in an even more unstable and unhealthy relationship.

 

For yourself, end the affair.

For your wife, end the affair.

For your children, considering marriage counseling and either a new committment to your wife or an hones divorce.

For your mistress...cut her free. If she wants more than you can give her, let her get it from one or two of fifty other men. And encourage her to go to counseling to fix her own problems.

 

Stop lying to your children and giving them a fantasy; because the longer you let them believe in your fantasy, the more it will damage them.

[MistyK]

If the Affair ends, there will be major spill-over into the marriage. The OP will become depressed, surly, alienated and even more passive aggressive towards his wife. When an Affair becomes a marital crutch, and that crutch is removed, the marriage stumbles and falls.

 

Are you seeing this badguy? If your marriage is truly over and you're just hanging around for the kids, it's doomed to failure anyway.

 

I ended my affair and my marriage. I've spent the years post-affair rebuilding my sense of self, restoring strained or broken relationships and otherwise learning how not to act like a dick.

 

Grogster, you kick a**

[greengoddess]

Why don't you try this? Tell your wife you are still seeing the other woman and are in love with her. Tell your wife you plan to leave this marriage after she wastes another 12 years with you. Then let her help you decide.

[Lauriebell82]

Thank you for all your responses I have gotten alot out of them.

 

In regards to me not liking what was said on another board is not the case, i deleted from there causes it was not the proper place for my question.

 

I know very well that I have to work on myself and in my life I have had alot of issues putting peoples happiness before mine (although not in this situation).

 

In regards to those that said I am using my children as an excuse well your r entitled to an opinion but i will elaborate so may think before you judge.

 

Part of what drove a wedge between me and the wife was male factor infertility, you wanna talk about not being able to give someone something they want!!!!

 

This drove us into a emotional sexual and financial turmoil which we never recovered even when we got the two beautiful children. I know for a fact that this world is a better place cause they are here and will never regret what we went through to have them. So would I stay for them yes.

 

Am I a Martyr???? Perhaps but I also dont desire or want drama as some suggested.

 

We aren't judging you for staying for your children. I think what people are trying to point out is that your children ARE your excuse for staying in an unhappy marriage no matter how valid a reason that they are. It's a very touching story about how you had your kids. However I have to say that it sounds like there is also some guilt involved as well, probably another reason why you are so unhappy.

 

Having an affair isnt going to solve your issue, it's adding more guilt and turmoil to your already failing marriage. Just consider our advice. Cut off contact with OW and consider speaking with your wife about this. Even though you may set yourself up for some negative consequences, you obviously aren't any happier now.

[MizzBlue72]

I am an OW. From my perspective - I really agree pretty much what others have said here.

 

Let her go. From what I have read, she obviously loves you, and she will not be able to move on with you in the shadows. It will hurt her to get over you, but she needs to.

 

If you REALLY love her - let her go. If your position changes (you divorce your wife) and you both still love each other, THEN you can see if the relationship will work.

 

Good luck.

[awkward]

My advice is to email a link to this thread to your wife. That is one sure fire way to get off the fence. Maybe she will even give us her version of your marriage. I doubt it will be the same picture that you paint to your OW and to us.

 

I know very well that I have to work on myself and in my life I have had alot of issues putting peoples happiness before mine (although not in this situation).

 

In regards to those that said I am using my children as an excuse well your r entitled to an opinion but i will elaborate so may think before you judge.

 

Part of what drove a wedge between me and the wife was male factor infertility, you wanna talk about not being able to give someone something they want!!!!

 

This drove us into a emotional sexual and financial turmoil which we never recovered even when we got the two beautiful children. I know for a fact that this world is a better place cause they are here and will never regret what we went through to have them. So would I stay for them yes.

 

I'm doing it for the kids ... that is the biggest load of crap I've read all day.

 

 

Am I a Martyr???? Perhaps but I also dont desire or want drama as some suggested.

 

:laugh::laugh: I just have no words.

 

On a serious note .... COUNSELING ... independent and marital. Hopefully your OW can meet a man that can fulfill her needs and desires. Let.Her.Go.

[Ladyblue]

Why don't you try this? Tell your wife you are still seeing the other woman and are in love with her. Tell your wife you plan to leave this marriage after she wastes another 12 years with you. Then let her help you decide.

 

Greengoddess, honey, that's THE BOMB! The dilemma would prolly be sorted out in no time flat!

[jj33]

If the Affair ends, there will be major spill-over into the marriage. The OP will become depressed, surly, alienated and even more passive aggressive towards his wife. When an Affair becomes a marital crutch, and that crutch is removed, the marriage stumbles and falls.

 

How do I know this? I lived it.

 

 

Oh how I wish that was the case, sometimes the MP just tries to hold onto that crutch in any manner possible for as long as possible even if the PA is over. (been there done that until I smashed the crutch with an axe!)

 

But I do agree. Why add a 4th person to the triangle. It does show you and this woman have a common view of relationships and are both comfortable compartmentalizing (I love MM but I am dating single guy because we have a f/t relationship with each other) Its like she is finding her own BS - she doesnt want to give you up but she wants more in her life.

 

So maybe you really are soul mates? The thing is your ego is getting in the way of accepting this. Fine for you to have a W and her on the side, but not so fine for her to sleep with someone else and have a life when you arent free.

 

The old double standard eh?

[Devil Inside]

Just curious. Do you feel anything when you said that?

 

Just curious...how is this question helpful to the OP?

[ladydesigner]

Just curious...how is this question helpful to the OP?

 

Clarify's questions never are helpful to the OP. One question was addressed to me the other day asking if I was a blond:laugh:

[stillafool]

thebadguy would it bother you if your wife were to date other men at this point? Would that help to make your marriage more bearable?

[OWoman]

BadGuy, it's not your place to make any decisions on her behalf. That is entirely her choice. Rather than trying to second guess what may or may not be "best" for her, get your head around your own issues. If you feel jealous or proprietorial about her wish to date someone else as well as you, well, deal with that. If you can't bear to be one of many (or at least two) then end your R with her. It's got nothing to do with "owing her" or "being fair", it's got to do with you and what you can live with. If you can't live with being an OM in her life - irrespective of her role in yours - then end it.

 

Your keeping both her and your BW on a string is another matter entirely - one that is fully in your power to resolve. But that is a separate issue to whether or not you have what it takes to be an OM.

 

This is not about "letting the mistress go". This is, do YOU have the strength to be an OM?

[grogster]

BadGuy, this is not about "letting the mistress go". This is, do YOU have the strength to be an OM?

 

OW, you've hit the proverbial nail on the head. BG's Thread, and I mean this respectfully, is one long whine about being upstaged by his OW's new guy.

 

Affairs are risky interpersonal ventures all around. I suspect BG is becoming increasingly unable to bear that risk.

 

I disagree with you only when you ask whether BG has the strength to become the OM. Being the incumbent, BG is much more akin to a MM, whose "wife" takes a lover.

 

When a cakeman becomes a "MM" to his AP's OM, there's a loss of staus, rights and privileges. As far as the OW is concerned, if she can share BG with the BS, BG should be able to suck it up and share his OW with the OM. That symmetry escapes most married men whose lovers supplement.

 

When mistresses wander, many married men become unhinged.

[NoIDidn't]

OW, you've hit the proverbial nail on the head. BG's Thread, and I mean this respectfully, is one long whine about being upstaged by his OW's new guy.

 

Affairs are risky interpersonal ventures all around. I suspect BG is becoming increasingly unable to bear that risk.

 

I disagree with you only when you ask whether BG has the strength to become the OM. Being the incumbent, BG is much more akin to a MM, whose "wife" takes a lover.

 

When a cakeman becomes a "MM" to his AP's OM, there's a loss of staus, rights and privileges. As far as the OW is concerned, if she can share BG with the BS, BG should be able to suck it up and share his OW with the OM. That symmetry escapes most married men whose lovers supplement.

 

When mistresses wander, many married men become unhinged.

 

 

Good point. The bolded line made me LOL. Sorry. It was the "long whine" however respectfully put.