Letting the Mistress go

[2sure]

WOW Owl. I'm thinking of taking that advice myself. Of course, I am on meds today.

[thebadguy]

2sure- so you think I should follow the advise i have gotten let it run its course

[2sure]

Look, my marriage is freaking mess. And If there was a way to fix it I would. It sounds like yours can be, so thats the advice you should take.

 

As to the OW, letting it run its course. Sure, you can do that. but come one. Take some control of your life buddy.

[ladydesigner]

I've reconsidered my suggestions.

 

Here's my new advice.

 

Tell your wife that your marriage is now an "open marriage". That way there's no deception or lying going on...tell her you're "with" someone else to have "those needs" taken care of. Tell your wife that you expect her to do the same as well.

 

Tell your OW that you have an "open relationship". Tell her that you're ok with her getting her needs met by someone else.

 

Remove any expectations of committment from all of your relationships.

 

Tell your kids that this is the way to live...set the example for them to live by.

 

No worries at this point...now no one will be hurt or unhappy.

 

What could possibly be wrong with this solution?

 

Wow this is a real eye opener

 

 

WOW Owl. I'm thinking of taking that advice myself. Of course, I am on meds today

[ladydesigner]

thebadguy would YOU feel happy letting it run it's course?

[IJustWannaBeHappy7]

Well, let me just say I am not even gonna try to pass judgement on you! I am a married woman who has never cheated on my husband. He has cheated on me one time that I am certain of, but now I believe that he has an OW and I know her. They have been working together for years and have been "friends " for at least 2 years. I think that not enough emphasis has been put on your wife. You say that you too are trying to make it work for the kids, and although I say that is my main reason for being here, it really isn't. You say you love your wife, can you love her enough to try with everything in you to reconnect with her? I know she probably still loves you and is hurt by the whole separation. My advice is to focus on your wife now more than ever. Do the things that you used to and the wonderful things that you may have never done. Because your marriage is sacred, if both are willing, I am sure you too can fall back in love. And you wont be married for the kids, but for the love that u share in your hearts. And we always try to love with our hearts, but I think we should all try to love with our souls! Once you start trying u will know exactly what I mean by loving her with your soul! First things first, you must cut off all contact with the OW. Although you have fallen in love with her, the potential love of your marriage will far surpass any emotional connection that you had with the OW. I guess it will be hard, I have been trying to get my husband to loose this OW for almost 2years now,and it has destroyed our marriage. We were together 10 years, and the last 2 have been the most painful and hurtful I have ever experienced. Just think about your wife! You don't want to put her through anymore pain. Life is short, it's time to start Living, Laughing, and Loving Life! I have faith that you all can make it, but you have got 2 give it your all! If you give 100%, she will have no choice but to follow suit. I appreciate your honesty, and I hope everything works out for you,your wife,the kids,.........and.... the OW. (notice how far I put her away from you and your family)That's where she needs to be, starting a new and wonderful life for herself. Be strong U Can Do It!

[thebadguy]

thebadguy would YOU feel happy letting it run it's course?

 

Happy no BUT, I think to allow it to go that way it will provide her more closure and she will be making the decision she wants when ready. I have had her for 5 lucky years and I am sure she wasnt always happy with our situation. Does anyone kinda understand my two underlying concerns.

 

Is ending it best for her

 

or is letting it come to a natural end the best(seems like its gone down that road anyway)

 

I feel like I said before not about the control issue but what I owe her and wish to give her and as an adult I think she can make up her own mind. a

[ladydesigner]

Is ending it best for her

 

I think this is what will force her to move on as much as it will hurt her. I don't believe there will be a happy ending. Endings usually aren't happy whether it ends now or 10 years from now.

 

I think you need to think about what is best for you and what is best for your wife and what is best for the OW.

 

In the end I think all of us just want to feel love and be loved and respected. I know myself personally would not be happy having to share someone with their W nor would I want to married and have OM... been there done that and it did not make me feel happy, just more confused than I already was.

 

i hope you come to an answer that you feel good about and find peace in your situation.

 

I am still looking for mine...

[Heather1]

I guess I'm confused. You want to stay M, she wants to be with both of you too?

 

I don't think A die a natural death. There has to be an end or there's hope.

[thebadguy]

want to stay married well yes for the kids

 

she wants to see me mm and a new guy HOPEFULLY SINGLE which I doubt hes 39. Anyway yes thats what she asked of me.

[Fallen Angel]

You wanted to hear from an OW (wow, I never knew that we had an abbriviation until I found this site today) so here it is, though you may not really want to hear it. You are selfish. You are mean and hateful and don't deserve either of these women! And despite your protests to the contrary, you don't love either of them. I say this to you, because it is what I need to find the courage to say to my MM. You say "she knew from the beginning" but then you also say that you and your wife were separated. You do relalize, I hope, that your "separation" led her to believe she had a chance. What you are doing is unfair, and unkind. You let her fall in love with you, knowing full well that you never had any intention of giving her the love and life she deserves. How dare you now act as though you have some kind of right to feel hurt by her wanting more than what you are offering her? How dare you be jealous and petty? How dare you ask if ending things with her is "what will be best for her"? You have never cared what was best for her. You have never cared what was best for your wife. you have only cared about what made you feel good. And quit using your children as an excuse for your continued bad behaviour! SHAME ON YOU FOR THAT ABOVE ALL ELSE!!! Do you think your kids do not feel the tension? Do you believe for one minute that your wife doesn't know? Do you think that raising your children in an unhappy marriage is really what is best for them? If you were thinking about your children, truly about what is best for them you would fix things with your wife, or get out of your marriage and be the best father you can be. But your kids growing up in a home without true affection is teaching them that that is okay, and when they grow up they will find themselves also living an unaffectionate life with their partner having never had a true loving relationship which to mold their ideals around. Your kids are better off having Mom and Dad living seperate but happy lives.

 

But you keep coming back to this 'what is best for the OW' issue. And I am here to tell you, what she wants is you. ALL OF YOU. And if you can never give her that, then just let her go now. She has been waiting, hoping that if she just loves you a little more, is a little better, a little smarter a little SOMETHING, ANYTHING, that you will love her enough. But you do not love her like that. And you need to be man enough to let her know that. Stop being selfish. Take her in your arms and commit to her and leave your wife, or let her go and cut all ties. Those are the only two options you have. Anything else is just cruelty.

[Devil Inside]

 

But you keep coming back to this 'what is best for the OW' issue. And I am here to tell you, what she wants is you. ALL OF YOU. And if you can never give her that, then just let her go now. She has been waiting, hoping that if she just loves you a little more, is a little better, a little smarter a little SOMETHING, ANYTHING, that you will love her enough. But you do not love her like that. And you need to be man enough to let her know that. Stop being selfish. Take her in your arms and commit to her and leave your wife, or let her go and cut all ties. Those are the only two options you have. Anything else is just cruelty.

 

I agree with the general theme of this last paragraph. Look it took me awhile...and some OW's bashing me here...to realize how unloving it was for me to sit on the fence.

 

Make the decision...one way or the other. Give her all or let her go...make the decision and don't look back...that would be what's best for her.

[MistyK]

She and I choose to return together for the children's sake in our mind and since then its been lets say a marriage of conveniece for lack of a better phrase. We dont fight do whats right for the kids and live together

 

BG,

Does your wife know that it's only for convenience? Are you really both agreeing to stay together just for the kids until they are adults? I find that hard to believe, but anything is possible I guess. If, as I suspect, this was a decision she wasn't completely on board with, then please consider divorce. It's not fair to hold your wife hostage if you have no desire to genuinely repair the marriage.

 

If you're thinking that your kids don't pick up on the distance between you, even if you aren't fighting in front of them, you're wrong. Kids are a whole lot more perceptive than people like to think.

 

Lastly, as a former OW I can understand why your OW is saying she wants to keep going with you. You give her a sort of security, even though it's not the security or relationship she wants. She doesn't want to leave you if it doesn't work out with another guy. You are supposed to be the fall-back. But, you can fully expect that if it does work out with another guy, you will be history, and fast. You really want to be her "plan B"? Of course, she's been your "plan B" for a really long time, but still, you do her no favors by keeping this going. She will not invest herself in new relationships in any meaningful way when she's still in love with you. And since you've decided to stay put in the M, you can't invest in the M while you're with the OW. Although it doesn't sound like you have much desire to work it out with your wife, if you insist on staying in the M, I really think you owe it to her to try. Just my opinion.

[phoenixrising]

thebadguy... I am an xOW and your words are exactly those of my xMM. We were also together for nearly 5 years. If your children weren't as young as you state, you could be him.

 

I agree with Fallen Angel... it was cathartic to read her words.

 

I wanted so bad for my xMM to make the decision to end it, as he planned to stay married. He was waiting for ME to end it, as you are - but I wanted to see that he had the courage - as a man - to do what was right for me. As it was, he kept me on a string, trying to let it die a slow and tortuous death, because for some reason it was more comfortable for him. How SELFISH.

 

If you plan to stay married, show your OW that you love her iand want to protect her from hurt - be a man and end it. Show some courage.

[Fallen Angel]

Thing is, i sit here as an OW looking for the strength to walk away from something I know is not healthy for me. My mind KNOWS THIS. IKNOW that he is not going to leave her, and to give him the credit he is due, he has never made me promises that he would. But my heart, this heart that he willingly took from me (yes i offered it, but not knowing the facts) , it keeps telling me if I just hold on a little longer, if I just tried a little harder, then maybe I would be good enough. Yes, I am aware how pathetic that makes me sound. I know that shows how weak I am. But I love him, and that is what it all boils down to. I have been on both sides of the coin. I was cheated on, and I never thought I would find myself in this situation. I feel guilty, and "less than", and somehow diminished. And then when he holds me, and whispers to me how much he loves me, I forget all those lonely hours, all the beating up of myself I do, and I fall deeper into him.

 

If I was on the outside looking in, watching a friend suffer like i do, I would want to take her and shake her and tell her how she deserves so much more. But the truth is, all my heart wants is him. Say a prayer for me, that i find the strength to love myself again more than I love him. (i truly believe that is how we end up OW, we forget how to love ourselves)

[NoIDidn't]

and to answer the question of how or do I think I can live this existance of a marriage without her I see it as I have no choice and an obligation to my family to stay and stay strong unless the household becomes toxic for the kids.

I will say however I dont think I could put another women through this and I am sorry I have.

 

My OW has given me so much of herself and I believe she has helped me see alot and taught me many things, but can i stand my marriage alone and empty, for the good of the kids I hope so, but it scares the heck out of me to do it with out her.

 

I hate to make an example of your posts and situation, thebadguy, so please forgive me for this.

 

All OW who are dealing with a fence sitter, this is what it looks like.

 

Notice how he says that having the OW in an A with him makes his MARRIAGE bearable.

 

Do you really enter into an A with a MM in the hopes of him being able to better tolerate being married?

 

I don't think so.

 

Thebadguy, you need to get off the fence. Its either your W or the OW. Talk to your W and see if she what she wants. Its decision time. Its not fair of you to want to stay married and drag the OW along when she wants all of you, not you and your W and your kids.

[sadintexas]

1. Me and the wife havent had sexual contact in years

2. I think she is but i also think she has hope

3. I dont think we will stay together

4. they r 6 & 8

 

I am a former single OW. So these are my opinions based on my experience.

 

Your children may not be growing up in a "toxic" household, but they are also not getting to see love and affection between their parents. This also forms who they are. You, by example, are showing them every day what marriage is supposed to be like. Just something to think about.

 

As an OW, I realized that my involvement in MM's life enabled him to stay in his M. It made it more tolerable for him. He was unhappy in his M and also staying for the children (among other issues that were critical at the time). That's something you need to think about. Are you REALLY prepared to stay in the M without the OW?

 

OW may be testing you right now, and may be asking you to put your thinking cap on. She's giving you a taste of how it might feel to lose her. I think she's not very serious at this point because she's not ready to give you up, but this is the first step towards her finding someone else.

 

She also might be testing her value to you. I understand you're in a precarious position with this, but trust me, you can fail miserably even though you're trying to do the right thing. If you let her be free to pursue other options, she's going to interpret that as you don't care about her as much. If you ask her not to, you will be interfering with her right to seek a full time relationship (since you aren't wiling to give that to her).

 

Now that she's taken this step, be prepared for her to fully move on at some point. When she really becomes interested in someone else, her desire to stay with you will appropriately decline. When she's done, she'll be done and invested in someone else. At that point, IT'S TOO LATE to determine that you can't live in your M without her. You've had your chance and blown it.

 

If you really KNOW that you will stay in the M with or without her, set her free. Otherwise, take your head out of your a$$ and figure out what you really want. Be honest, make a decision, and stick with it.

[ladydesigner]

Your children may not be growing up in a "toxic" household, but they are also not getting to see love and affection between their parents. This also forms who they are. You, by example, are showing them every day what marriage is supposed to be like. Just something to think about.

 

sadintexas this is it EXACTLY. I grew up in this household and am repeating it in my own marriage. Makes me sick, but I still have a chance to do something about it.

 

So do you thebadguy

[Lauriebell82]

Respectfully, end it with your OW, let her go..It's not fair to either of you..She needs to get on with her life, get over you so she can build a life with someone who isn't married, with someone who is going to meet all her needs, be there for her 24/7. You cannot provide that for her seeing as you're married and have your own family.

 

As for your wife, since you two are back together, as you say, for the kids sake - Atleast TRY to connect with your wife and make the marriage work. Obviously you loved your wife deeply at one time and each of you let 'stuff' get in the way.. Get that back. Fix it. Do counselling..

 

Yes, I agree. I think your OW has become so obsessed that she can't even let you go even though YOU want her to. I just suggest cutting contact with her. Concentrate on your family. What happened with your wife that you chose to have OW all these years? Does your wife know about this?

 

Staying for the "sake of the kids" is b.s. You don't want a divorce which I understand. But as you already know, you aren't being fair to your wife OR your kids.

[sadintexas]

Something else I have to point out. Your M has been "dead" for lack of a better word for seven years. You've been in this A for five years. It took you two years of no sex, no love, no intimacy to seek out someone else. OW has sustained you for five of those seven years. Exactly what makes you think you'll make it another twelve years without getting another OW to replace her? I read all your posts and saw where you posted that you wouldn't put another woman through this. Oh really? Are you sure about that? You can make it twelve years without the basic needs of love and intimacy?

 

Your W still has hope it can be fixed according to you. But you know already you're probably gone in twelve years after the youngest is an adult. Kudos to you for keeping your W from finding someone else to be happy with. She's going to get to start over in another twelve years too. Women don't age as well as men generally speaking. I bet she's gonna be pissed when she has to get back on the open market after the better part of her life is over! I think men have an easier time because age doesn't necessarily have the same negative connotations for them as it does for women.

 

Yeah, it's time to let her in on the decision making process here. Let her have some control over her own life. If you tell her you're done when the kids leave, and she still wants to stick it out, so be it. If you tell her you are getting your needs met outside of the M, and she still wants to stick it out, so be it. But quit leading BOTH of these women on.

 

I'm not trying to be hateful. I have a lot of respect for my xMM so I'm not taking anger out on you lol. It's just that you guys think you're being martyrs and staying in the M out of duty is the right thing, etc and I say it's BS because in the long run, you hurt everyone.

[GreenEyedLady]

Hello Im writing this as a cheating married man whom is in a difficult situation and would like your feedback. I know that I wont like some of the answers but I think others insight good or bad will help.

 

History:

 

For the last five years I have had a mistress, she knew from the very beginning that I was married and I was always honest with her and tried to be with myself.

 

We have had many goodtimes and bad and I have always told her that I couldnt leave my children and even through the course of our relationship reminded her(she a wonderful women) she deserved more.

 

Problem is now she wants to see another man and has been very honest about the whole situation.

 

I went throught the typical phases of emotion and anger. Ever since my love was deep for her(3 months in) I told her she should move on from our relationship.

 

Now discussing this with her I suggested we end it this way she can focus on a future and get what she deserves.

 

BUT she will not hear of it and says that she wants us together.

 

I think it is very unfair of me to decided for her whats best for her but I love her and always will. (we cant always choose our loves), but i truly believe that it would be the best thing for her. But I also am willing to stay and endure the pain I deserve since I put her through it for many years, this comes with a big catch I am not sure she I want her to choose me as much as I love her I dont think I can give her a real life which she needs.

 

 

I need some advise, but dont need to be reminded that this should havent started in the first place.

 

How very romantic and tragic at the same time...

 

Putting your children ahead of your own needs and happiness...

 

You are a martyr...

 

I'm sure you'd like to think so.

 

Your screenname screams your pity party for YOURSELF.

 

Time to grow up and be a man now.

 

You've made choices and now it's time for the natural consequences. I hope your OW does start dating. It seems to me that you are one of those men who needs what they have done to others, to be done unto them.

 

I know someone who was very much like you. Liked to think he was the good guy while he cheated on his W. The man to have a much younger, pretty OW and a W at home to take care of his kids.

 

Fortunately for him, he changed and realized he was full of **** and the problem was him-not his W, not his OW-but HIM.

 

Also fortunately for him, was that I was patient and didn't put up with his pity parties, his lamenting and his indecision.

 

You choose who you fall in love with. You put yourself in the position to fall in love with someone else. You choose to lie and betray your W.

 

You do not put your children before your own happiness, you put yourself. Or you wouldn't betray their mother.

 

Would your W think so highly of your self-sacrifice? Do you think that your children will find it so heroic to continue to cheat on their mother than to divorce and give her a chance to find a man who will cherish her instead of betray her?

 

You lie to everyone. You lie to your W, you lie to your OW and above all, you lie to yourself.

 

What should you do? Stop lying to yourself. You stay married for a reason and it isn't because you're so into your children. Don't put that on THEM. You stay because YOU want to, and it's all about you.

 

When it starts to be because you don't want to hurt someone anymore, then maybe you'll be on your way. Because neither R can prosper if it's based on pure selfishness.

 

And you will do this again if you don't figure out what you need to learn.

 

GEL

[Heather1]

yep, yep, yep....time for all of you to dive in & get off the fence. The two of them are looking at you to call it quits cuz for some reason they can't. You don't see a future w/ your wife either, so you're stringing two along & they're both letting you. Why don't you take a break from both? Let them be with someone who wants to be with them?

 

I like what Fallen Angel said in her first post. That's most likely what 90% of OW think & I'm kind of surprised your not with the OW here. The loveless/sexless marriage? What a way to live your life.

[bentnotbroken]

GEL is right. The martyr indeed. I saw his post on another site, though he was handled harshly, he was basically given the same advice. He didn't like it.

[stillafool]

I've reconsidered my suggestions.

 

Here's my new advice.

 

Tell your wife that your marriage is now an "open marriage". That way there's no deception or lying going on...tell her you're "with" someone else to have "those needs" taken care of. Tell your wife that you expect her to do the same as well.

 

Tell your OW that you have an "open relationship". Tell her that you're ok with her getting her needs met by someone else.

 

Remove any expectations of committment from all of your relationships.

 

Tell your kids that this is the way to live...set the example for them to live by.

 

No worries at this point...now no one will be hurt or unhappy.

 

What could possibly be wrong with this solution?

 

Since you and your wife really don't care I would say go with this suggestion.

[whichwayisup]

Putting your children ahead of your own needs and happiness...

 

People do this all the time, but while they do this, they also put effort into making the marriage better. People don't just stay for the kids sake, there has to be more. If you can remember why you fell inlove with your wife, all those things that brought you two together, do counselling, maybe your marriage can work and be healthy.

 

I hope you really listen to what people are telling you..Some of it is harsh, but respectful.. Harsh advice is what you need now, so stop putting yourself first and do what's best for everyone. You know what needs to be done.